Dietland

by Sarai Walker

  Your friend Ashli (17 years old)

  A cutter. I felt a momentary blip of dismay at the thought of such troubled girls writing to a magazine editor for help, but if they didn’t I’d be out of a job. I looked through my computer files and copied and pasted my standard response about cutting, adding a few personalized tweaks.

  From: DaisyChain

  To: AshliMcB

  Subject: Re: big problems

  Dear Ashli,

  I’m very worried that you’re cutting yourself. Many girls do this, so please don’t feel that you’re weird, but as your friend Kitty, I ask that you stop doing this immediately. I’m not legally qualified to give you advice on this topic, but at the bottom of this message there is a web address that will give you a lot of information and options for getting help from professionals in your local area.

  The next paragraph of my message would focus on breasts and porn. I looked through my files: My Documents/Kitty/Breasts/Porn.

  Many of us have breasts that don’t match. Please remember that women in porn aren’t normal. You are normal!

  To make her feel better, I could have told her that I dared not show my own breasts, nipples pointed toward the floor, to anyone. I hated to even show them to the doctor, though when I was lying down on the examining table it wasn’t so bad; only when standing up could one see the full, hideous effect. I couldn’t tell Ashli this because I was pretending to be Kitty, whose perfectly symmetrical breasts stood at full salute, I was sure.

  For most of the afternoon, the messages I answered fit into predictable categories (dieting, boys, razor blades and their various uses). There was also a string of complaints from Canadian readers of the magazine. (Dear Tania: Now, let’s be reasonable here, I didn’t refer to Quebec as a country on purpose.) There were a few more difficult letters (Dear Kitty: Have you ever fantasized about being raped?) but nothing I couldn’t handle. As fast as I answered the messages, more of them flooded in, so I rarely felt a sense of accomplishment. While girls in far-off lands had their genitals trussed like Thanksgiving turkeys, Kitty’s girls had their own urgent problems. (If Matt doesn’t call me, I’LL DIE.) I wasn’t good with questions about boys.

  There was no end to these pleas. They came from the heartland, from north and south and east and west. It seemed there was no part of the American landscape that was not soggy with the tears of so many girls. After writing an email that explained the difference between a vulva and a vagina (Your vagina is the passage to your cervix. It provides an opening for menstrual blood. To answer your question, no, you cannot shave a vagina. There is no hair there!), I looked up and noticed that the girl was gone. Relieved, I opened the next message, not expecting something of interest or anything to restore my faith in girl-kind. (Every night after dinner I go into the bathroom and throw up.) Before I could slip into despair, which usually happened every afternoon around three o’clock, Carmen surprised me with a cup of black coffee (FREE FOOD) and an oatmeal cookie (195).

  She was wearing a maternity top in a pastel shade; her enormous belly looked like an Easter egg. She sat down across from me, letting out a huff of air, running her fingers through her clipped black hair. “Go on, read me one.” The messages from Kitty’s girls had a car-crash allure.

  I looked down at my computer screen. “Dear Kitty, is it always wrong to have sex with your father?”

  “You’re making that up. Please, God.” She was unsure and waiting for a sign from me. When I started to laugh, she laughed too, and I felt wicked, like a therapist mocking her patients. Carmen rubbed her belly and said, “We used to want a girl, but now I’m not so sure. You’ve scared me. Girls are scary.”

  “Not on the surface,” I said. “Only when you dig deep.”

  “That’s even scarier.”

  While I had Carmen’s attention, I decided to ask her about the strange girl. I hadn’t mentioned her before, not wanting to seem paranoid. “Did you see that girl sitting over there?” I said, pointing to the empty chair.

  “The one with the eyeliner? She’s been coming in a lot lately. Why, was she bothering you?”

  “She seems a bit strange, don’t you think?”

  Carmen shrugged. “Not particularly. You see the people who come in here.” She paused, and I hoped she was recalling something important about the girl. Instead, she asked if I would cover a shift for her next week while she went to the doctor. I hesitated. I was trying to be good on my diet. Sitting at my normal table wasn’t bad if I blocked out the sights and smells around me and drank my coffee and tea, but behind the counter was another matter.

  “Sure,” I said. On some days, Carmen was the only person I spoke to. It was only small talk, but at the right moments, she brought me out of my head. For that, I owed her.

  Carmen went back to work, and since I was being good, I took only a small bite of the oatmeal cookie. Two teenage girls at the next table smirked as they watched me. I set the cookie down and decided to work more quickly so I could leave. The best way to work was to dive headlong into the water, feeling my way in the darkness, not letting anything stick to me, just letting the current carry me along:

  Why are all the models in your magazine so skinny girls are so lucky I’ll never be anything but fat ass bitch he said to me after class but I still like him and I know that is crazy cuz he is so mean to me and my friend want to get rid of these gross red bumps on our arms can you help me please cuz my legs look so fat in a swimsuit so should I quit the swim team or what should I do if no guy asks me to the dance cuz my cousin asked me to go with him but is that incest or not every guy likes girls with red hair on my vagina is not sexy tits my history teacher said to me when I wore my purple shirt so he is a perv and now I’m afraid I’m going to gain weight on vacation what can I do if I can’t afford a nose job no guy will ever like me with this nose I am sure of it is a mystery to me how you can sleep at night you fucking bitch but why did he say that to me I am not a bitch so I don’t understand why my mom won’t let me use tampons because I told her I would still be a virgin if I use a tampon will you email her for me and my boyfriend had sex because he made me do it but then he said he was sorry so does that count as rape cuz I still love him but I am confused about why every time I wear red lipstick it gets stuck to my front teeth.

  And one last message, from a man in prison: I like to masturbate while looking at pictures of you. Will you send me a pair of your panties?

  Delete.

  At home there was a package. I sat on my bed, the straps of my purse and laptop bag still tangled around me, and ripped open the puffy brown parcel. Inside was a knee-length poplin shirtdress, white with purple trim. It was even prettier than the photographs in the catalog had been.

  In the corner of my bedroom was a floor-length mirror in a brass frame. I kept it covered by a white sheet, which I tossed aside so I could hold the dress in front of me, imagining what it would look like when it fit. When I was done I put it in the closet with the other too-small clothes.

  My regular clothes, the ones I wore on a daily basis, were stuffed into the dresser or flung on the floor. Stretchy and shapeless, threaded with what must have been miles of elastic banding, they were not in fashion or out of fashion; they were not fashion at all. I always wore black and rarely deviated from the uniform of ankle-length skirts and long-sleeved cotton tops, even in the summer. My hair was nearly black too. For years it had been shaped into a shiny chin-skimming bob, with blunt bangs cut straight across my forehead. I liked this style, but it made my head look like a ball that could be twisted from my round body, the way a cap is removed from a bottle of perfume.

  Inside the closet, there was nothing black, only color and light. For months I had been shopping for clothes that I would wear after my surgery. Two or three times a week the packages arrived—blouses in lavender and tangerine, pencil skirts, dresses, a selection of belts. (I had never worn a belt.) I didn’t shop in person; when someone my size went into a regular clothing store, people stared. I had done
it once after I’d spotted a dress in a store window that I couldn’t resist. I went inside and paid for it, then had it gift-wrapped as though it were for someone else.

  No one knew about the clothes, not even Carmen or my mother. Carmen didn’t even know about the surgery, but my mother did and she was against it. She was worried about the potential complications. She sent me articles that outlined the dangers of the procedure, as well as a tragic story about children who were orphaned when their mother died post-surgery. “But I don’t have any children,” I said to her on the phone, unwilling to indulge her.

  “That’s not the point,” she said. “What about me?”

  This isn’t about you, I had wanted to say, and refused to discuss the surgery with her again after that.

  After straightening and rearranging the clothes, I shut the closet door. I knew it was foolish to buy clothes I couldn’t try on. They might not fit right when the time came, but I bought them anyway. I needed to open the closet door and look at them and know this wasn’t like the other times. Change was inevitable now. The real me, the woman I was supposed to be, was within my reach. I had caught her like a fish on a hook and was about to reel her in. She wasn’t going to get away this time.

  Carmen called to ask if I wanted to join her and her girlfriend at a pizzeria for dinner, but I didn’t like to eat at restaurants when I was following my program, so I said no. From one of the new Waist Watchers recipe cards, I made lasagna, which used ground turkey instead of beef and fat-free cheese and whole-wheat pasta. While it was cooking it smelled like real lasagna, but it didn’t taste like it. I gave it three stars. After I ate a small portion (230) with a green salad (150), I cut the rest into squares and put them in the freezer. My hands were still slightly trembly from hunger, but I would be good and not eat anything more.

  After changing into my nightgown and brushing my teeth, I took my daily dose of Y—— from the bottle, the pink pill. It was my ritual before bed, like saying a prayer. As I finished my glass of water, I went to the window in the front room and pulled back the curtain, looking to see if the girl was sitting on the stoop, listening to her music, but she wasn’t there.

  • • •

  I STAYED HOME for most of the holiday weekend, the unofficial start of summer, leaving only to go to the library and to see a movie. The girl was nowhere around. On Tuesday morning I walked to the café, and as I turned the corner onto Violet Avenue, I wasn’t looking where I was going and bumped into someone—or maybe she bumped into me. “Sorry,” we both said at the same time, and then to my surprise, I saw the girl standing before me, with her Halloween eyes and cherry-red legs.

  “It’s you,” I said. My heart was a moth flapping around a lampshade.

  The girl smiled and said good morning, then opened the door and held it for me as I followed her inside. “Plum,” Carmen said, rushing past the girl, waving her hands at me. As she approached, her massive belly covered in yellow and pink polka dots, I remembered I was supposed to cover for her while she went for her checkup. “I won’t be gone long,” she assured me as she hurried out the door.

  The girl walked ahead of me and I watched as she sat at my table. I was annoyed but didn’t show it and went behind the counter to help Carmen’s assistant. When I set my laptop bag down I felt the tension release from my shoulder as I rid myself of the computer and its endless cries for help. Surrounding me in the kitchen were flour and butter and eggs, the stuff of life; there wasn’t a line of text in sight. I breathed in the sugared air and savored it, then felt a twinge of hunger. My Waist Watchers granola bar (90), like sawdust mixed with glue, hadn’t provided much sustenance.

  It had been a while since I’d helped out at the café, but I soon remembered how things were done. I poured cups of tea and sliced carrot cake. I set delicate cupcakes into pink cardboard boxes, licking the icing and sprinkles from my fingers when no one was looking. It was a relief to engage in work that didn’t involve angst, that allowed me to speak with three-dimensional people who asked for simple things like coffee and a slice of pie, not how to fix their cellulite or decipher the behavior of an emotionally stunted boy.

  While I was working I glanced at the girl, who was sitting at my table with a makeup bag in front of her. She pulled a silver clamshell compact and a lip pencil from the shimmery pouch. I watched through the glass lid of a cake stand, blurrily, as she lined her lips and smacked them in the mirror.

  Distracted by an order, I turned around and busied myself with the espresso machine and three tiny cups. When I returned to the counter I saw the girl in line behind the woman who’d ordered the espressos. My coworker had gone into the kitchen, so I would have to serve the girl. We would have to speak.

  The girl stepped forward when it was her turn and we stood face-to-face. “Give me your hand,” she said. Startled, I did what she asked. She took the cap off a lip pencil and turned my right hand so that my palm was facing her, my thumb at the top. Then she began to write. I couldn’t see what she was writing, but I felt the point of the pencil digging into my skin.

  When she finished, I pulled my hand back. “DIETLAND,” I read aloud.

  “DIETLAND,” the girl repeated.

  I stared at the penciled letters on my palm. Was the girl telling me to go on a diet? So much mystery, and there it was: she simply wanted to make fun of me.

  In the absence of any comment from me, for at this point I was too embarrassed to speak, the girl quickly gathered her belongings from the table and left the café. Just then my coworker reappeared. I wiped my hand on my apron and excused myself to go to the kitchen. The bottom of the white sink filled with a faint pink color as I put my hand under the cold water and tried to rinse the lettering off.

  When I emerged from the kitchen, I saw that the girl had left the lip pencil sitting on the table. I went to collect it. It was a Chanel pencil in a shade called “Pretty Plum.”

  • • •

  IN THE AFTERMATH of my encounter with the girl, I needed to prepare for a visit to Kitty. The visit only came once a month, like my period, and I greeted it with the same level of enthusiasm.

  On the subway ride from Brooklyn to Manhattan, I retraced the word DIETLAND on my palm, using my fingertip. What did it mean? I had thought the girl was ridiculing me, but she didn’t seem cruel. What I knew for certain was that she was weird. If she bothered me again, I would have to go to the police, but I feared that in a city full of murderers and terrorists they weren’t likely to care that a girl in colorful tights was trailing me.

  I exited the subway station in Times Square, stopping at the top of the stairs to catch my breath in the heat. With my employee badge I entered the Austen Tower, a glistening silver tree trunk. Austen Media was an empire, publishing magazines and books, running a range of websites, and broadcasting two lifestyle channels. If someone had flown a 747 into the Austen Tower and it crumbled to the ground, American women would have had far fewer entertainment options.

  Before my job with Kitty I had worked for a small, not-very-prestigious publishing imprint that was owned by Austen but located in a drab building twenty blocks south. We produced novels about young career women looking for love. The covers of the novels were in springtime shades, like the walls of a baby’s nursery. I didn’t have anything to do with the content, but worked in production, tracking manuscripts, liaising with editors, helping to usher the books into the world. After college, I had wanted to write essays and feature stories for magazines, but I couldn’t find a job doing that, so I settled at the publisher. I loved words and the publisher offered me a chance to work with words all day long, even if they were someone else’s. It was a place to start. A foot wedged in the door of the word industry.

  My coworkers at the publisher were middle-aged women who wore tennis shoes to work with their skirts and nylons. I soon became comfortable in their world of Tupperware lunches and trips to the discount shoe mart after work, so I made no effort to move on and find the writing job I had dreamed about. One day,
after I’d spent more than four years at the publisher, my boss called me into her office to tell me the bad news. We were going out of business.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything sooner, but you probably heard the rumors.” A vase of hydrangeas sat on her desk, blue pompoms in brown water, dropping their shriveled petals onto her Filofax.

  “Well,” I said. The rumors hadn’t reached me.

  “It’s not just us. They’re cleaning house. It’s the whole building.” The whole building was a mail-order book club and a few small magazines, one about cats, another about doll collecting. We had gone unnoticed for years, the dregs of the Austen empire, hidden in an annex on Twenty-Fourth Street. At long last, Stanley Austen had looked down from his perch in the silver tower and noticed us in a tiny corner of his kingdom. Then came banishment.

  After the publisher closed, I was unemployed except for random shifts at Carmen’s café, but eventually a woman named Helen Rosenblatt from Austen’s Human Resources department called to schedule a meeting with me. I went to the Austen Tower as directed, and rode the elevator to the twenty-seventh floor. Helen was a middle-aged woman with a tumbleweed hairdo and a gummy smile. I followed her to her office, noticing that her linen skirt was wedged between her buttocks.