Guilt Trap

by Dawson, H A

  ‘It’s only a matter of time before we have everyone banging on the door wanting an explanation. Are you any closer to finding out who’s doing this?’

  ‘We have some leads, but we’re going to have to go back to the office to check them out.’

  ‘Then I won’t keep you.’ He glanced upstairs to Maddie’s helpless figure. ‘She’s distraught, as you can imagine. Would you like it if someone splashed your sordid secret across the papers?’

  ‘We will find out who’s doing this, I promise you.’

  ‘Just be quick about it. The clocks ticking.’

  ‘Is it ten minutes further on?’

  ‘No, it’s further along this time.’

  Luke held his stare. ‘There are a few questions I’d like to ask.’

  ‘Now’s not the time. I need to be with Maddie.’

  ‘But-’

  With veins raised and his eyes bulging. ‘I said not now, got it?’

  Luke nodded, cast Imogen a perplexed glance and they returned to his car.

  Chapter 7

  Laid in bed, Maddie stared through the darkness at the illuminated clock and agonised over the newspaper article. It hadn’t gone so far to speak of the final act resulting in her suspension from school, but it said enough, telling the world of the humiliation, pain, and heartache she had caused her school friend.

  Written as though she was the writer, it was without remorse, stating her actions were justified and had been a release for her abused childhood. It was a horrid read, and it shattered her heart, causing her shame to rise to an unprecedented level, heating her face and gripping her torso.

  Feeling defensive, she focused upon her response. Her abuse in the hands of her father was not a justification but a cause, and she had never said otherwise. Hurting another person by such cowardly means was not appropriate behaviour, not in any circumstances. How could anyone believe she had thought such a thing? She wasn’t evil; she had merely been misguided and naïve and acted with forethought or concern.

  Suffering torturous pain and struggling to lighten the load on her heart, her breathing quickened, and moans and squeals escaped her lips. She was ruined, but more importantly, everyone believed her to be remorseless.

  It would be difficult to prove otherwise.

  How were Emma’s family going to react upon reading the article?

  The consequences did not bear thinking about. Everyone would hate her, and justifiably so. The article may not have named the foundation and business, but her photo was present. Given the recent presentation, it wouldn’t take much to link the two. Sponsorship for the foundation would be lost and the business ruined. It was also possible that vigilantes would track her down and cause her unthinkable troubles.

  Suffocated by the restriction of the bedding, she jumped from bed, glanced briefly at Josh asleep in a restful pose and hurried from the room. Once alone in the lounge, the pressure on her chest mounted, her face scrunched, and her muscles tightened. She could barely breathe, and held her fist to the edge of her mouth, released an agonising cry, and gasped for air, breathing a series of short swift breaths.

  Images of the fallout pounded her head. She would be hounded by the press; she would be persecuted by the families of bullied children; she would lose the trust and confidence of her friends and supporters.

  How was she going to get through the next few days? It seemed an insurmountable ordeal, and she dreaded the prospects of dealing with the questions, the gossiping, and the sideways glances.

  At least she had Josh. During the immediate aftermath, his support had been amazing and greater than she could have imagined. He had closed the business, kept people from the door and handled the phone calls. And most importantly, he had provided her with constant nurturing love.

  Remembering his kindness caused fresh tears to wet her cheeks. If she didn’t have him in her life, she would have no one, and couldn’t imagine how she would have gotten through the days. Jodi may have offered her support, but she had her own family to consider, and so her available time would have been limited.

  She loved him so much, and for a brief moment, considered going back to bed and wrapping herself around him. Maybe then, she could disappear. They could become one unit; she could fade into obscurity and remove herself from this world.

  Was that how it felt to have the desire of committing suicide? She certainly despised herself enough, and right at that moment, and had a solution been in reach, she could imagine herself fulfilling her own burning desires.

  Suddenly, the pain exploded in her chest, causing Maddie’s knees to buckle and her body to tremble. Unable to hold in her tears, she started to sob - deep, bellowing sobs that had been locked away for years. Huddled on the floor, holding her knees to her chest, she howled her desperation and pleaded for forgiveness. But she could do not be heard, not by those that mattered. Nor could she do anything to reverse time, no matter how much she prayed it would happen.

  Why had she not stopped to consider the effects of her actions on her young school friend? Why had she continued to pursue a girl who had so obviously suffered an ultimate despair at her antics? And what had she expected to achieve? Had she really felt better going home at the end of the day? Had it helped her cope with her father and put an end to his wickedness?

  Regrettably, the answer was yes, and it added to the tightness in her chest. Facing her father had been easier after she had started bullying Emma, since her confidence was greater. No longer could he force her into submission; no longer did the cruelty of his words as he criticised her appearance or behaviour have a long lasting and profound affect.

  Did that mean she was remorseless? Realising she would do the same again, at the same age and in the same circumstances, caused a growing feeling of dread to course through her body. She was acting just as the article had said in the national paper. No wonder everyone believed the worst.

  Yet, it wasn’t true. Considering what she had done had always caused her sickness to rise to her throat. Her shame was genuine and she was regretful of her actions. Whoever wrote the article may have spoken a certain amount of truth, but they didn’t know everything. They didn’t know what was in her heart. They didn’t know of her daily grief.

  Unwillingly, she continued to ponder her motives, and reasoned her desire to protect herself had been so great that the cost to others had not been a consideration. Bullying Emma may have released the burden of her father, but it hadn’t been the only solution on offer. She should have sought help by other means, whether it was contacting a foundation, such as the one she was involved in, or speaking to a neighbour, a friend, or a teacher.

  Emma Anderson need not have been involved.

  There was no justification to her actions.

  Remaining in a huddle on the floor, Maddie stared through misty eyes into the darkened room, which was starting to brighten due to the efforts of the rising sun creeping through the gaps in the blinds. Despairing at the prospect of the day ahead, she lowered her head into her forearms, which were resting upon her knees, and willed herself away.

  Scenes from the past flashed before her. She was sixteen again. She was bullying Emma. She was laughing at the young girl’s visible trauma.

  ‘No!’ she cried. ‘No!’

  But the younger version of herself refused to listen, and continued her cold and harsh treatment, taking a beautiful yet wicked joy from the terror in her victim’s face. Unable to understand how she had once been able to relish witnessing someone else’s pain, a scream escaped her lips and her tears fell.

  ‘Maddie,’ a voice said. ‘Stop it.’

  She imagined Emma before her. She saw herself laughing at her plea to stop. How could she do that? Why did she not react? She had been evil, pure evil. She deserved no forgiveness.

  ‘Maddie!’ Arms shook her, pulling her from the horrifying scenes. ‘Crying will help nothing,’ Josh said. ‘Go back to bed and get some sleep.’

  She stared at his unreadable face. She needed comfo
rt and understanding, but at the same time felt undeserving of his sympathy, and leapt to her feet and ran from the room.

  He did not follow her, yet she could feel his eyes pressing into her back. Was he wondering how to help, or was she thinking, as she had, that she was deserving of her treatment? Was that what Emma had felt and the reason she had sought no retaliation? Unable to deal with thoughts running raggedly through her head, she started to dress.

  It was important to keep busy. Only then, could she keep her demons at bay; only then, could she keep the shame from colouring her face.

  The mild summery air was pleasant upon her skin as she exercised the dogs in the woodland. Desperate to blank any thoughts of her atrocious behaviour, she absorbed every sight and every sound, searching for the slight differences in the birds within the flock of long-tailed tits, and listening to the fine tune of the wren.

  Whilst it occupied her mind, every so often Emma and the newspaper article flashed into her thoughts, tightening her torso and stiffening her arms. Trying to be strong, she told herself she would get through the day, but they were difficult words to believe.

  She should be inside making plans, but such was her turmoil, she didn’t know where to start. She could release a statement to the papers, apologising for bullying Emma, as well as denying having written the article, but until she knew who was responsible she was reticent to react. Her efforts could make the situation worse and ignite their fury, especially since whoever was responsible wanted her to suffer. It may be better to wait and see what Luke uncovered. With any luck, he will have learned who was responsible by the end of the day.

  Having returned the dogs to their pens, she checked the other animals, provided them with fresh drinking water and food, and focused her mind on her day’s routine. Having decided to make phone calls to her largest sponsors and supporters, she unlocked the door to the centre and headed into her office. She had just sat down and forced a confident mindset when the sound of footsteps alerted her to someone’s arrival.

  ‘You’re working,’ Josh said, appearing in the doorway.

  ‘I have to do something. I might be able to limit some of the damage.’

  ‘I thought you’d gone back to bed. Where’ve you been?’

  ‘Out with the dogs and then tending the other animals.’

  ‘I’m not sure you working is a good idea. You’ve been awake all night.’ He cast a nervous glance. ‘And it might be better for the business if you keep a low profile. People might get the wrong idea.’

  Maddie frowned. ‘The wrong idea? How so?’

  ‘It just might look wrong to some people. If you show a bit of remorse-’

  ‘I am remorseful! How dare you think otherwise! You’re no better than the rest. Do you think I’m proud of what I did to Emma? Because I’m not. I hate what happened and the person I was, but I can’t change it can I?’ Her heart felt gripped by a vice, stifling her voice and dampening her eyes. She inhaled deeply. ‘If I could go back I would, but the past is done with, gone, finished.’

  ‘I wasn’t accusing you Maddie.’

  ‘No? That’s not how it sounded.’ She leapt to her feet, and pushing him aside started through the door. ‘I need some fresh air.’

  ‘I think we should close for the day.’

  She shot him an angry stare. ‘Don’t you dare! Don’t you bloody dare!’

  ‘But we’ll be inundated with the press. We need to take measures and plan our response.’

  ‘Let them come. I’ve done no wrong and I am not ashamed. What I did was twenty years ago. Twenty years,’ she said, stressing the number. ‘I can’t be held responsible forever.’

  ‘No one’s saying you should be.’

  ‘No? That’s not how it sounds to me. Yes, I did wrong, and yes, I was suspended for it, but I will not be bullied, because that’s what this is. Whoever is doing this to me is no better than I was when I was a schoolgirl.’ She hurried through reception to the exit, and out into the open air. ‘And, might I add, I was an unhappy kid. This person is likely to be much older – probably my age.’

  After that, she was gone, and strode past the line of pens and into the woodland. She needed peace and thinking time, and free of all the pressures suffocating her, she hurried along one of the walks before taking an indirect route into a quiet part of the woodland. After a few moments, she arrived at a spot beside a large bramble bush, away from possible onlookers, and sank onto a small patch of dried grass. There, she curled into an upright ball and buried her head into her arms.

  She was furious with Josh for his insensitive comments and inside screamed blue murder, but she was also furious with herself, and struggled to come to terms with her actions of the past. If her punishment had been severe, rather than receiving a short and rather pleasurable suspension, she may have felt undeserving of the current situation. But she had never had true closure, nor did she ever apologise for her actions.

  A blackbird hoping across the grass a few metres away caught her attention. How wonderful it would be to be free of the burden of a conscious mind. Everyone would live by instinct alone. Bullying would not occur. At least, if it did, it would not be premeditated.

  Maddie sighed deeply, returning her head into the crook of her arm, enjoying the sensation of the darkness and allowing time to drift past in a daze.

  She hadn’t realised she had fallen asleep until someone gripped her from behind.

  She spun around, catching a glimpse a person in a balaclava and loose fitting attire, before her mouth was taped and a sack placed over her head.

  She shrieked in distress.

  The person did not react, but gripped both of her arms, pulling them to her rear, and knocked her to the ground. Her face flattened into the grass. With a muffled cry, her adrenalin surging, heart racing, she kicked out her legs and twisted her hips and waist. Each movement was futile, none gained advantage, just sapped her vitality.

  A heavy object pressed on her back, keeping her down on the ground.

  She shouted her disapproval.

  Paying her no heed, her attacker unfastened her skirt and yanked it from her legs. Terrified that she was going to be raped, she twisted and writhed, and through laboured breaths, pleaded for her freedom.

  The response, silence.

  Her senses were pronounced, a pounding heartbeat, terrified cries and moans stifled by the duck tape sealing her mouth, she waited through bated breath for the person’s hands to descend to her underwear. Instead, she was swung onto her back, despite her frantic movements, her blouse was ripped from her body.

  Quaking with terror, catching sight of her near-naked body through the tiny gaps in the sacking, she squirmed away from the shadowy figure. Screaming and panting, and fearing the motive, sweat dripped from the body. She pleaded for the person to let her go. She apologised for whatever distress she may have caused.

  They were pointless attempts.

  Her attacker stood before her, presumably gloating over her distress.

  The thought turned her stomach. It was how she had been with Emma.

  Thrusting such thoughts aside, she seized her opportunity, and reached to the sack and tried to pull it from her head. To her surprise, it was tied at the rear. Not having the time to work out what to do, she leapt to her feet intent on making her escape. Despite wearing next to nothing, she trotted in bare feet across the chilled grass, heading away from the sight her of distress. Disorientated by her hood, she crashed to the ground.

  Panic shot through her body. She had a quick glance over her shoulder and leapt to her feet. But her attacker had vanished. Just to be sure, she looked again, observing her surroundings the best she could through the tiny gaps in the sacking. She was, in fact alone. Relief swept through her, sagging her body and causing a chill for wash over her skin.

  It was then she realised what was happening. They were doing to her what she had done to Emma all those years before. They were causing her the greatest of humiliation of all and leaving her naked and
alone in a public place.

  Chapter 8

  Maddie’s clothes had been taken away, and whilst she was wearing her bra and panties, she may as well been naked; her bra was see through, leaving nothing to the imagination, and her panties were skimpy and lacy. Hiding behind a bramble bush, listening to the voices of the visitors to the centre, some of which she feared were taking a lingering walk in the woodland and heading in her direction, she sought a solution.

  She had the sacking, which she had managed to remove from her head, but it was far too tough to rip. If she used her arm, it would cover her breasts, but the rest of her would remain exposed. Even if she found large leafs and could hook them into the underwear, they would not hide her shame. Walking through the centre without her clothes was going to be a humiliating and embarrassing experience no matter what she did.

  Releasing a mumbled wail, she wrapped her arms across her stomach and closed her legs, searching for warmth. Tears moistened her eyes as her situation pressed into her mind. She hated her figure at the best of times, and always did her best to hide her rounded stomach, sagging boobs, and the cellulite upon her heavy legs. If anyone saw her in her current state, her distress would be intolerable. She was living her worst nightmare, and could think of no easy way out of her predicament.

  She had two choices. The first was to cover herself the best she could, skulk to the edge of the woodland, and then walk brazenly across the clearing and into the animal pens, café, shop and centre entrance, and head through the door to her private quarters. The second was to remain in-situ and hope she could draw the attention of someone she trust, and ask them to bring her clothes. There was also a third option, which was a combination of the two, and that was to hide somewhere close to the animal pens and hope she would be able to draw someone’s the attention. However, the woodland floor near the pens, provided little cover, and she didn’t believe she would get close enough.

  Not sure of how to resolve her dilemma she stared at the grass under her feet and prayed for help. If only she had her phone, she could call Josh or Jodi. In fact, why didn’t her absence concern them? All she could imagine was that their argument she had had with Josh caused him to believe she needed private time to clear her head.