Tipping Point

by Maisie Johansson

  As Rhetta stared at it, the image was suddenly distorted with the splash of a tear.

  Rhetta locked the screen and looked away.

  …

  Four Days Earlier

  They were on opposite sides of the country when the video came out. Rhetta was sat on her bed in the guest bedroom of Sam’s apartment, her phone pressed to her ear.

  “Caro,” she said for the second time in as many minutes, cursing the weak internet connection at Caroline’s grandma’s house that kept Rhetta from watching Caroline’s reaction to her and Sam’s Q&A video over Skype.

  With Caroline listening to the video through an earphone, Rhetta was left waiting in silence. Silence that only served to amplify the sound of Caroline’s breaths. Rhetta listened to their rhythm, the rhythm that she fell asleep to, the rhythm whose absence kept her awake when she and Caroline were apart. So when Caroline’s breaths quickened, the pace of Rhetta’s heartbeat matched them.

  “Baby,” she whispered. Her heart was pounding, beating faster and faster the longer that Caroline stayed silent. “Caro, baby, can you hear me?”

  The rhythm broke when Caroline swallowed and moistened her lips – a sound that was deafening in the silence.

  “Sam and I cut it together last night. I know it’s all jumpy and stuff, but I was rambling and not really making much sense. You know how I get.” Rhetta took a breath and waited, but still Caroline didn’t speak.

  The original video had been longer, but so much had to be left on the cutting room floor, just like with her ‘23 Stories’ interview. Though at least with this, she was the one in control of what stayed and what went. With the world cup looming near in their future, she and Caroline had made the decision to cut everything that she had said about Caroline and their relationship from the Q&A. At least for now. Rhetta planned on resurrecting it as a wedding gift. She had spoken so candidly about what Caroline meant to her, and though Rhetta was a little too shy to say it to her face, she wanted Caroline to hear it.

  “I thought… I thought that you were cutting everything about your – err – your sexuality out too,” Caroline said finally, her voice tight with worry. She stumbled over her words, making sure that she stuck to Rhetta’s desire to not be labelled. Rhetta would always be thankful for that. She had struggled so long to understand herself and when she had come out the other side with her only answer being that she didn’t have one, Caroline had been excited for her and had supported her decision unfailingly. Even though it was so at odds to her own.

  “I just kept thinking,” Rhetta murmured as she closed her eyes and laid back against the pillows. “I was so lucky, Caro. I might have been under a little more scrutiny than most people, but I was in an environment that was so accepting. I had you and Sam and Fenton and Lori to talk to about anything and everything. I had people to look up to and observe even before I was brave enough to talk about it. Most girls don’t have that.”

  Across the country, Caroline smiled and settled into her own bed. “You’re amazing, R.”

  “It’s not much, I know-” Rhetta quickly scrambled to say, blushing from the warm pride in Caroline’s voice.

  “It’s everything, R. To someone who’s struggling, it’s everything,” Caroline interrupted.

  Rhetta’s cheeks grew hot and she bit her lip. “You think its okay?”

  Caroline chuckled softly. “I know so, Princess.”

  “And now I’m embarrassed,” Rhetta mumbled, her cheeks glowing hot and her body tingling warmly at Caroline’s approval. “Distract me. Tell me about your cousins’ visit today. How’s the little cutie? Did you take any pictures? You better have taken pictures.”

  “Urgh, he’s so cute! Though I don’t approve of this ‘getting bigger’ thing he seems to be doing when I’m not around. He’s growing so fast, R! Why is he doing that!?” Caroline whined.

  Rhetta giggled at Caroline’s enthusiasm. She knew that her fiancée was a big softie when it came to kids, but it never stopped giving her butterflies. She remembered the first time that Caroline had held Rhetta’s then 3 week old baby cousin. Caroline had been so gentle and her eyes had lit up with wonder as the tiny baby in her arms had yawned and curled into her warmth. Rhetta still looked at the photo she had taken of that moment when she was feeling down. Caroline wasn’t looking at the camera. She was totally captivated and Rhetta was totally captivated with her.

  “I bet his parents are thinking the same thing,” Rhetta mused. “Now send me some photos! I know that you took some.”

  A moment later, Rhetta’s phone pinged and she tore it away from her ear and smiled at the image of Caroline smiling down at the chubby baby whose tiny hands reached out gleefully for Caroline’s flushed cheeks.

  “You having trouble with the Florida weather after so much time up north, Stud?” Rhetta teased. “You look cute with your cheeks all pink like that. Almost as cute as the little monster.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’re trying to mess up my street cred by calling me cute over and over. I see what you’re doing, Princess. I’m onto you,” Caroline sassed.

  Before Rhetta could reply, her phone pinged with another text. Once Caroline had assured her that it wasn’t from her, Rhetta was prepared to ignore it until she and Caroline were done talking. Even though that would probably only happen when one of them fell asleep. She would just check the text in the morning, no matter how much it would bug her.

  But Caroline laughed and told her to look. She knew her too well.

  Pressy: Hey Rhetta! I just saw your video with Sam. Can we meet up for coffee whilst you’re in LA? Xx

  Rhetta relayed the message to Caroline as she read it, needing to share the immediate unsettled feeling that the text gave her.

  “Aww, that’s sweet. One of the kids wants to hang out with you cos you’re all famous now,” Caroline teased. “Rhetta Morsten, YouTube sensation.”

  “Haha,” Rhetta deadpanned. There were butterflies in her stomach and she decided to give voice to something that she had been thinking about for a while. “Hey Caro, have you ever wondered if Perinnel’s gay? Or at least not entirely straight?”

  Caroline’s gaydar had pinpoint accuracy and Rhetta was sure that Perinnel must have pinged it once or twice if there was even a chance that she wasn’t entirely straight.

  “Probably,” Caroline responded quickly. “Nat and I, we – err – we’ve talked about it a few times. Perinnel kissed her when they were in college and-”

  Rhetta’s mouth fell open. “What?! Why didn’t you tell me?!”

  Chastised, Caroline stayed silent for a moment, composing her thoughts. She was pretty sure that she was about to regret keeping this to herself. Even though she hadn’t meant it like that.

  “It was private, R. Natalie told me in confidence. Perinnel just kissed her, freaked out and ran away. They haven’t talked about it since. Natalie didn’t want to rock the boat,” Caroline reasoned.

  She could tell by the tone of Rhetta’s voice that she was hurt by her omission. They told each other everything. Rhetta had been dubious about that kind of absolute honesty at first, but it was such an integral part of who Caroline was that it was never up for debate after Caroline had given her a second chance. And Rhetta couldn’t deny that it had made their relationship stronger. She felt like she could tell Caroline anything. It was freeing.

  So to have Caroline hold something back, no matter what it was, was as hurtful as it was unexpected. Especially considering the fact that Caroline’s silence may have left Perinnel to go through whatever she was going through alone. And that was something that Rhetta couldn’t easily forgive. Not even for the woman who had helped her on her own journey to accetance.

  “Did Natalie ask you not to tell me?” Rhetta asked tightly, hoping that this would explain Caroline’s silence. At least then she could direct the majority of her anger at Natalie.

  There was a pause.

  “No,” Caroline admitted.

  The simplicity of her answer and th
e lack of any explanation made Rhetta’s blood boil. Especially after everything that Caroline had just said about Rhetta helping people.

  “And you don’t think that maybe you should have done?”

  As Rhetta’s voice rose, so did Caroline’s bafflement. “No…”

  Rhetta laughed coldly. “So you thought that you’d just let her go through it alone and think, what, that we didn’t care? That now it’s our turn to support the younger members of the team, that you just couldn’t be bothered?”

  Even as she spoke, Rhetta knew that she had gone too far. Her anger had appeared from nowhere and she hadn’t even tried to temper her worlds. Nor could she even begin to calm herself down.

  “I can’t believe you! You have no idea what she might be going through. I can’t believe that you knew something and did nothing!”

  “R-”

  Rhetta knew that if she didn’t end the phone call now, she would say something that she would regret.

  “You know what? I gotta go. I’ll see you in the Algarve.”

  “Rhetta wait-” Caroline’s voice was panicked, desperate.

  “I love you,” Rhetta rushed out. “Goodbye.”

  And then she hung up.

  Across the country, Caroline stared in shock at her phone. A lone tear ran down her cheek and splashed on the homescreen photo of her and Rhetta from the night they had gotten engaged.

  “I love you too.”

  …

  After four hours, the screen in the arrivals lounge finally changed the listing of Rhetta’s flight from ‘delayed’ to ‘landed’. Caroline got to her feet, picked up her book and strode off to the part of the lounge where people waited to meet their loved ones off of flights. As she was walking, she noticed an elderly lady squinting up at the arrivals board in confusion, adjusting her glasses to try and get a better view. There was an English to Portuguese phrasebook in her hand, and she kept looking from the board to the book and back again.

  “Do you need some help, mam?” Caroline asked softly as she drew level with the woman.

  The woman’s attention snapped sharply to Caroline, who inwardly winced in anticipation of the woman’s reaction to her outfit. She had on a pair of faded black jeans, a loose white tee and a back-turned stars and stripes snapback. It wasn’t exactly the preferred style of little old ladies, but she was still determined to help out if she could. He Grandma had always taught her to be polite and helpful, especially to her elders.

  “Oh thank God, an American!” the woman exclaimed in an accent that Caroline was pretty sure was Irish. “Could you tell me whether my son’s flight has landed? I can’t make heads nor tails of that fancy screen up there and this thing’s less than useless.”

  She shook the offending phrasebook before handing Caroline a printed out email detailing the same flight that Rhetta was on. “I’ve been waiting for hours and I’ve still no idea at all whether it’s here or not.”

  Caroline smiled, glad that she could give the woman some good news. “I’m waiting on the same flight, actually. It just landed about fifteen minutes ago, so they should be coming through soon as long as there’s no delay with the luggage.”

  She handed the piece of paper back to the woman, who smiled brightly and patted her on the arm.

  “Oh you’re a good girl. Thanks a million.”

  Caroline smiled at the funny turn of phrase. “You’re welcome.”

  They walked together to a spot a little closer to the doors through which Rhetta and the rest of her fight would come once they had their bags. Caroline couldn’t help but fidget. She hadn’t spoken to Rhetta since their fight and she was worried about what Rhetta’s reaction would be to seeing her.

  “I’m sorry pet, I didn’t even ask your name,” the woman said suddenly.

  Caroline held out her hand for the woman to shake. “I’m Caroline. And you?”

  “Everyone calls me Annie, but I think I’m getting a bit old for it now. I never did like Ann though,” the woman said with a small chuckle.

  Caroline smiled. “Nice to meet you, Annie.”

  “And you, Caroline. Now, are you going to tell me who it is that has you so nervous waiting for them.”

  “My fiancée. We had a fight the last time we talked and I’m worried that she’ll still be angry with me,” Caroline admitted, bracing herself for disapproval.

  Annie just smiled. “Well I’m sure that she won’t be able to stay angry at a nice girl like you for too long, dear.”

  Caroline felt her heart lighten at the woman’s kindness. “I hope you’re right.”

  …

  Rhetta’s foot tapped as she waited in line to have her passport checked. She didn’t check in any bags – U.S. Soccer had all of her football stuff and she usually fit everything else into her hand luggage and Caroline’s case – so she knew that as soon as she was done at immigration, she would be walking through those doors. Through those doors that led to the place where Caroline may or may not be waiting for her. And she was too goddamned chicken to message her and find out.

  She had done a lot of thinking in the days since they had last spoken. Was she still angry about Caroline not telling her about Perinnel and Natalie? Yeah. But was it worth the heart-stopping pain she had felt every moment since she had said goodbye?

  Definitely not.

  “Next.”

  Rhetta walked up to the desk and handed over her passport. She caught a glimpse of her own smiling face as the guy behind the desk compared her passport photo to the face in front of him. She saw ‘Morsten’ in the surname box and wondered if this would be one of the last times she would show a passport that named her Rhetta Anna Morsten. It was a strange thought, not because her passport held sentimental value. Sure, she had stamps in there from so many places that she hadn’t even dreamt of visiting as a kid, but her job meant that her passport turnover was short. She filled up its pages quickly and U.S. Soccer made sure that she always had a new one before her current one was used up. But next time, she wouldn’t be listed as Rhetta Anna Morsten, but as Rhetta Anna Williams.

  She knew that would be true even if they were fighting right now. They were meant to be, her and Caroline, and Rhetta could only think of a one or maybe two things that might change her mind about that. One of them was definitely not the sexuality of Perinnel Press and Caroline’s lack of reaction to a college lip-lock with KO.

  “Next.”

  The sound of the immigration officer’s voice calling for the next person in line made Rhetta jump. She walked passed the desk, her passport clutched in her hand, and carried on past the luggage carousels and the lines for people with something to declare. But when she got to the doors marked exit, she stopped – terrified that Caroline wouldn’t be on the other side.

  …

  One Day Earlier

  “R, come on. Come for a walk with me and Sumaya. We can go down to the beach. Or stop off at that coffee shop that you like. We could even go shopping”

  Rhetta didn’t look up at Sam. She kept her eyes fixed on the Friends re-run that she wasn’t watching on the TV.

  “R, please,” Sam begged. “You haven’t left the house in days.”

  “I went for a run,” Rhetta challenged. “Twice. And the gym every day.”

  Sam rolled his eyes. “Working out doesn’t count, and you know it.”

  Rhetta picked up her phone and stared at the empty lockscreen. Still nothing.

  Three days and nothing.

  They had never gone three days. Never.

  Not since the last time that she hadn’t been able to leave her apartment or think about anything without crying.

  “You still haven’t heard from her, huh?” Sam asked.

  Rhetta’s silence answered for her.

  “You do realise that she thinks that you’re mad at her, right?”

  Rhetta hugged the scatter cushion closer to her chest. “I am. That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to hear from her.”

  Sam rolled his eyes. “Then call he
r.”

  Rhetta looked at her silent phone piteously. “What if she doesn’t answer?”

  “Then text her.”

  “What if she ignores it?”

  Sam sat down on the couch beside her. “You really think that girl could ever ignore you, even if she tried?”

  Rhetta looked away from him, ashamed. “I told her that I’d see her in Portugal.”

  “So? You will.”

  “I said it like that was the next time I’d talk to her. I made it sound so final, Sam. And then I hung up before she could tell me that she loves me too or tell me goodbye.”

  Sam put his arm around his sister and pulled her close. “You told her that you love her before you hung up?”

  “Of course I did,” Rhetta said like it hadn’t ever occurred to her to hold back the sentiment out of anger or spite. And, honestly, it hadn’t.

  “You two are going to be okay, R. You’re both just upset and being stubborn as hell. That’ll all change when you see each other,” Sam promised. He was pretty sure that his sister was the one being stubborn and that Caroline was just giving Rhetta space, but he wasn’t stupid enough to say it. He didn’t want Rhetta to be mad at him too.

  “I know. But that doesn’t make this any easier.”

  “No, munchkin, it does not.”

  …

  The moment that Rhetta stepped through the doors, her eyes locked with Caroline’s and she saw that she too was afraid. Afraid and exhausted.

  Nothing else mattered then. Not their fight. Not Caroline’s omission. Nothing mattered apart from the empty pain that Rhetta had felt since their last goodbye and the promise of feeling complete again in Caroline’s arms. That and the overwhelming need to take Caroline’s pain away.