by Soraya Lane
And he was hardly a disappointment. In the flesh, he was even more commanding than he was on paper. Well over six feet and built like a man who could protect her on a dark stormy night in the meanest streets of Los Angeles. A man with dark cropped, slightly disheveled hair that begged to be touched, ice-blue eyes that seemed to pierce straight through her body. And beautiful lips that, despite all he’d seen and experienced, still hovered with the hint of a smile as he spoke.
Jessica scolded herself. Smiling over mental pictures of him while she was alone was exactly what she didn’t need to be doing. Ever. Until she reached the five-year mark, until she knew she was in complete remission, men were strictly off her radar.
Jessica stole a quick glance at herself in the mirror as she passed and fought the urge to cross her arms over her chest. She was still self-conscious, but it was getting better. After all they’d said to one another, all they’d shared, she hadn’t told Ryan. Couldn’t tell him. Not yet. It was still too fresh for her, too raw, to share with anyone.
And she wanted him to just like her for herself. Treat her like she was normal and not a fragile baby bird in need of extra care.
She picked up her purse, squirted an extra spray of perfume to her wrist and reached for a sweater. She didn’t know why, but today felt like a fresh opportunity, a new chance. She wasn’t going to let her insecurities ruin it. Not when she had a man like Ryan waiting to spend the day with her.
Even if she was scared to death.
She utterly refused to let her past ruin her future. Not now, not after all she’d been through.
Today was about starting over.
CHAPTER TWO
Dear Jessica,
I’ve become desensitized to what we have to see over here. I wait for my orders, I no longer cringe when an explosion echoes around me, and I automatically squeeze the trigger to take down the enemy. Does it make me a bad person that I no longer feel? I’m starting to think I like being here because it means I don’t have to face reality. I can pretend my wife didn’t die and that my son doesn’t hate me. But I’ll be coming home soon, after all this time, and I’m not going to have any more excuses.
Thanks for listening, Jessica. You don’t know how much it means to me to be able to write to you, to be honest like this. I can’t talk to anyone else, but you’re always here for me.
Ryan
“SO HOW IS it you’ve managed to stay away for so long?”
Ryan shrugged and turned his body toward Jessica as they walked. He made himself look away from Hercules racing up and down the riverbank so he could give Jessica his full attention.
“I guess I became good at saying yes, and the army were pleased to have me wherever I was needed.”
“What about this time?”
Ryan chuckled. After so long being in the company of men, he wasn’t used to the way a woman could just fire questions. So candidly wanting to know everything at once.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
Jessica was…what? Pouting? No, not pouting but she was definitely pursing her lips.
“You’re very inquisitive, that’s all.”
She gave him a nudge in the side and rolled her eyes. Ryan tried not to come to a complete standstill, forced his feet to keep moving. He wasn’t used to that, either. Someone touching him so casually, with such ease.
He’d definitely been away too long.
“I write to you for months, and you can’t tell me where you are or why you’re suddenly coming home on such short notice. So spill,” she ordered.
He followed Jessica toward the edge of the lake, the water so still it looked like the cover of a postcard. The park was beautiful, much more attractive than he’d remembered it being, but after so long seeing sand and little else, everything about America seemed beautiful. The smell of fresh rain on grass, the softer rays of sunlight, not burning so hot against your skin that it made you sweat. Things you took for granted until they were snatched away.
“I can’t tell you where we’ve been, you know that, but what I can say is that our last, ah, assignment was successful.”
Jessica waited. He’d give her that. She could talk his ear off, but she knew when to stay quiet. Seemed to sense that he needed a moment.
“I’m a marksman, Jess.” He paused and watched her, made sure she didn’t look too alarmed. “I entered the special forces as an expert in my field, and it’s why I’ve been deployed so long.”
“But you didn’t want to come home,” she said softly. “What made you come back now?”
Ryan sighed and looked out at the water. It was so much easier just keeping this sort of stuff in his head. But he didn’t have to tell her everything. It wasn’t like he’d planned to come home, more like his hand had been forced.
If he’d had it his way he would have stayed away forever. That’s what he had done until now. Now he was home and he had to deal with being a single dad for real. Not to mention the fact his son didn’t want to know him.
He didn’t like admitting something was impossible, but repairing that relationship could be like trying to bring someone back from the dead. It was his own fault, his own battle to deal with, and he’d been a coward to wait so long before confronting the problem.
But one thing he’d promised himself was that he was going to be honest with this woman. She’d done something generous for him, helped him from the other side of the world through her constant letters, and he owed it to her to be real and candid with her now.
“I had an injury a while back and it never healed quite right.” He moved to sit down on the grass, needing to collapse. It was hard being so open, just talking, and he couldn’t go back. Couldn’t put into words what had happened to him then, that day he’d realized he wasn’t invincible. “I’ve had a lot of pain in my arm, so I had surgery in Germany on my way back home, and the army wants me on rest until the physio gives me the all clear.”
Ryan gritted his teeth and forced his eyes to stay open as his memory tried to claw its way back. The smell of gunpowder, the pain making his arm feel like it was on fire, and not being able to stop. Making his arm work, pushing through, pulling the trigger over and over until his body had finally let him down.
He clamped his jaw down hard and looked at Jessica. She was sitting, too, right beside him, legs tucked up under her as she stared at the water. As if she was the troubled one. He could see it on her face. That she was either reacting to his pain, or harboring her own.
“Jess?”
She turned empty eyes toward him, bottom lip caught between her teeth.
“That means you’re going back at some point.”
He raised a brow. Had she thought he was home for good? Had he made her think he was staying by something he’d said?
“Ah, all going well, I’ll be deployed wherever they need me,” he confirmed.
It was wonderful being back here in some ways, but it was also extremely difficult. He’d do his best, try to make amends, but he was a soldier. That’s what he did. What he was good at.
She nodded, over and over again, too vigorously. “Of course, of course you’re going back. I don’t know why I thought you wouldn’t be.”
“I’ll be here a couple months at least, then I have to figure out what to do. I’m eligible to be discharged, they’ve offered me teaching positions, but I’m just not ready to walk away from my men. I don’t know where I’ll be deployed yet but it’s my job to go wherever they need me.”
Sad eyes greeted him when he looked back at her. She smiled, but he could tell something had upset her. He hoped it wasn’t his fault. Seeing those bright eyes cloud over was not something he wanted to be held accountable for.
“What about your son?” she asked quietly.
Ryan sighed. His son. George. Now that was a topic he and Jess could talk about all day. Or maybe not talk about at all, as he’d been home a week already and they’d hardly spoken a word to one another.
“I don’t know if I’m just not cut
out to be a father, or whether he truly wishes I was back with the army.”
He didn’t say what else he wondered. That maybe his son wished he were dead.
Ryan picked up a stone and stood, then reached his arm back and threw it into the water. He’d meant to skim it, but instead the stone went a little distance then landed with a plop.
He shut his eyes and pushed away the anger. He hated not being capable, losing the function in his strongest arm, but getting angry about it didn’t help his progress and he knew it. Sometimes he just forgot about it, and then he’d surprise himself all over again by not having the control he wanted.
He looked down at Jessica, sitting still, eyes fixed in the distance.
“You okay?”
It was as if she had to snap out of a trance before she even noticed he was speaking. “Yeah.”
Ryan watched as she jumped to her feet and brushed the grass off her jeans. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Maybe he’d been away way too long, or maybe he’d just forgotten how sensitive women were. Because they’d only been at the park less than an hour and already he’d done something to upset her.
And he had no idea what.
“You still want to grab some lunch?” he asked.
She smiled at him, this time more openly. Or maybe more guardedly. He couldn’t tell which.
“Sure. Let’s go.”
Jessica couldn’t fathom why her stomach was twisting like a snake had taken ownership of it. Why did it even bother her? So he was going back to war? He was a soldier and that’s what soldiers did. It was just that she hadn’t expected him to be going back. When he’d written to her and told her he was coming home she’d thought it was for good.
It wasn’t as if he’d promised her something and was now going back on his word. She had no right to even feel this way.
They were friends.
So why was she acting like her lover had come home and lied to her about his intentions? Or maybe she’d just dealt with too much loss to even comprehend the thought of losing anyone else from her life again. She knew firsthand what the consequences were of him not coming home, what the risks were. “You sure you’re all right?” he persisted.
Jessica’s head swivelled so quickly it almost swung off.
“Me?”
He laughed and she watched as he pushed his hands into his jeans pockets.
“Yes, you.”
She felt the flush of her cheeks as he made fun of her. She’d expected him to be the one clamming up and here she was like a nervous bunch of keys being jangled. She hadn’t even realized how long they’d been walking in silence.
“I’m sorry Ryan, it’s just…”
He shrugged. “I took you by surprise.”
This was a man who’d been away from civilization for years, and yet he seemed to have her all figured out. That made a change.
Jessica sighed.
“I understand if you don’t want to, you know, hear about war or anything. It’s not exactly the most pleasant experience to discuss,” he said.
She frowned at the look on his face. It took her a second, because she hesitated, but Jessica reached for his hand to give it a quick squeeze. She was being stupid and he was the one who needed her to act like normal. To listen to him like she had in all their letters. He had no idea why she was affected by what he’d said, and that’s how it had to be. She’d lost too much, exposed those she loved to that loss as well, and it had struck a chord with her. But that was one musical instrument she had no intention of playing around him, and that meant she had to deal with it and move on. Fast.
“You can tell me all you like, honestly. I just didn’t expect you to be going back there anytime soon,” she explained. “It took me by surprise.”
Ryan caught her hand before she could pull it away. His hand was strong, smooth. And the touch made a tingle start in her fingertips and ripple goose bumps up her forearm.
“You’re the only person I’ve been able to talk to, apart from the guys, since I left.”
She nodded. Words refused to form in her throat. It had been so long since a man had touched her. Since she’d even felt a spark of attraction that had made her heart beat like a hammer was thwacking it from side to side.
“If I can’t talk to you, I’ve got no one,” he added.
Jessica couldn’t take her eyes off their hands. Ryan followed her gaze and seemed to realize what the problem was, opening his grip and slowly releasing her fingers.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered.
“Don’t be sorry.”
She smiled up at him. Watched the way his eyes crinkled ever so gently at the sides as he smiled back at her.
“Oh, no!” she exclaimed.
Ryan jumped to attention, eyes scanning, like he was looking for an enemy, but Jessica was already moving back toward the park.
“What?”
“Where’s Herc?” she gasped.
Her heart had gone from thumping out of desire to banging from terror. How could she have been that distracted? How could she not have noticed that he’d wandered off? Her baby, her best friend, her…
Hercules had been there for her through everything. When she was home recovering, cuddling up by her side as the chemo ravaged her body. Snuggling her when she couldn’t force herself out of bed in the morning. Listening to her as she’d sobbed after surgery.
He’d probably just wandered off in search of more ducks, chasing mallards again, but still…
Jessica had huge hot tears that felt like balls of fire fighting to get free of her lashes, desperate to spill, but she gulped them back, moving as fast as she could back the way they’d come.
She jumped as a hand came down on her shoulder. A hand that seemed to distribute calm energy through her body, grounding her, telling her everything was going to be okay.
“I’ll run ahead, you keep your eyes peeled.” Ryan’s deep voice was commanding as he took charge. “I’ll get him, you just stay calm.”
Jessica nodded. She wasn’t capable of doing anything else. Herc always followed along beside her off the lead, but then she wasn’t usually so distracted.
She watched Ryan thump gracefully down the sidewalk, his feet beating a steady rhythm as he jogged away from her.
“Herc!” Jessica called as loud as she could. “Come on, Herc!”
Ryan had never felt as if his heart was actually in his throat before. Maybe at the funeral, when he’d had to watch his son cry as his mother was lowered in a coffin into her grave. But that was a different kind of emotion. That was pure agony, mourning like he’d never known he could experience.
This? This was desperation, panic. Determination to find what he was looking for.
He’d settled into a quick steady jog and he was almost back to where they’d come from, searching with his eyes as he moved. The dog had been at their side when they’d left but the little rascal must have skipped off when something caught his nose.
Then Ryan spotted him. A brown bullet barking his head off as he chased ducks back and forth along the bank again. Completely oblivious to the fact he was alone and had found his way back solo.
Phew.
“Hercules!”
The dog ignored him. Ryan kept running, slowing only to scoop the bundle of fur into his arms.
Hercules jumped and wriggled, but Ryan held him firm.
“You gave us a fright, bud.”
The dog just wriggled some more, tongue flapping as he tried to contort his little body around so he could lick him. Ryan held him in an iron-tight grip, just far enough away so he could avoid being slobbered all over.
“Come on, let’s go find your mom.”
He started jogging again, until he spotted Jessica ahead. He would have waved but he was determined not to let the dog go. He was writhing like a slippery fish again.
When she saw them, Jessica’s entire face lit up, a smile stretching across her lips.
“Herc!”
Ryan slowed and grinned. “
Told you I’d get him.”
Now she was crying. Oh, no, he didn’t do tears well. He went to hold the dog out but she threw herself into his arms instead, almost making him drop the little animal!
“Thank you, Ryan. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
He gave her a half hug back, the other arm still occupied by Hercules.
Ryan went to move at the same time as she kissed him on the cheek. His face turned too far and she got him on the side of his mouth.
He fought not to turn farther into her, his pulse racing at her mouth on his.
“Oh.”
He grimaced. “Sorry.”
Jessica was bright red again, like a piece of freshly snapped rhubarb.
“I—”
He stepped back, clipped the dog onto the leash hanging from her hand and put him down.
“How about we head back to your place? Get him out of trouble?” he suggested.
Jessica nodded, still flushed.
He didn’t know what was happening here, but one thing he did know was that somehow they weren’t behaving like long lost pen pals. When she’d held him before, it had felt too warm. Like someone had shone the sun itself between them. Like they were the only two people in the world.
And if it had been another time and another place, he’d have been tempted to never let her go.
But he was only here for a few months. Maybe less. He’d come looking for her because she’d been such a wonderful support to him. Helped him talk about his feelings, open up.
Without her, he doubted he’d have ever have had the strength to come home, to face his demons once and for all.