by Soraya Lane
There was no chance he was going to stuff this up by letting his emotions get the better of him. Jessica was off limits romantically.
And that was nonnegotiable.
He had to maintain their friendship, repair his relationship with his son and summon the strength to open up to his own parents. Tell them how much he appreciated them and what they’d done for him.
He grimaced at the thought of what the coming months held.
He’d just have to take it all one step at a time.
CHAPTER THREE
Dear Ryan,
I know you feel like you can’t come back home, but that’s just fear talking. I’m not going to tell you that soldiers shouldn’t be fearful, because a soldier is nothing more than a brave human being and you can’t help how you feel. But you need to repair your relationship with your son while you can. And you need to face the fact that he will want to talk with you about his mother.
I don’t know what you’re going through, but I do understand pain and loss. I know what it feels like to grieve, and to want to hide away, but in the end you have to be honest with yourself. It’s the only way forward.
Remember I’m here for you. If you need someone to hold your hand, that person can be me. No questions asked.
Jessica
JESSICA HAD BEHAVED like a brainless airhead. Since when could she forget her dog? And the way she’d shut out Ryan after he’d opened up to her was unacceptable. He must think she was some kind of a nutcase. Not the level-headed pen pal who was full of wisdom that he’d come to rely on.
Nothing about today had gone as planned.
Jessica smiled as he walked back into the room. She swallowed away her fear and pinched her hand.
“Ryan, I’m so sorry.”
He looked confused. One eyebrow raised slightly higher than the other. “What about?”
She sighed. He was either really good at pretending, or men actually were incredibly good at just letting things go.
“About before. Can we just start over? Go back to when you arrived?”
Ryan chuckled. He actually chuckled, while she stood there all breathless and red-faced.
“Whatever you say.”
Argh! Men could be so irritating. He was just like her brother. Or worse. Acting like something hadn’t happened when it had. But if he wanted to forget about it then she wasn’t going to argue with him. She’d behaved badly and now she had a chance to make things right.
“Okay, how about we actually have a cup of something hot and make some lunch then?”
He grinned and walked right up to her, stopping a few feet back. Ryan held out his hand.
“I’m Ryan, it’s so good to finally meet you.”
She glared at him and stuck her hands in her pockets.
“Not funny, Ryan.” The expression on his face didn’t change. It was so serious he almost made her laugh, but she felt like too much of an idiot to shrug it off. “I made a fool of myself back there and it wasn’t me. I mean, I don’t even know how to explain myself.”
He smiled at her again, but this time she didn’t feel mocked.
“I thought you wanted to start over?”
Jessica turned away from him.
“Look, I took you by surprise, that’s all. Now let’s have some food, okay? I’m starving. Unless you want to meet all over again, again?” he teased.
Jessica sighed and walked back into the kitchen. Her face still felt flushed, but she was starting to relax. Lucky this was a friendship where they already kind of knew one another. If it had been a first date she’d have been toast.
“Can I do anything?” he offered.
She shook her head.
“I’ll make some sandwiches and meet you outside.”
When he didn’t move she made herself look up at him.
“Hercules would love to play ball if you’re up for a game in the yard,” she suggested.
He winked at her and sauntered out the door.
Jessica had to force her mouth to stay shut. It was in grave risk of dropping down and hitting her on the chest.
Something about that man had her all twisted in knots, and that wink hadn’t helped. She was all hot, like she needed a fan, but she gulped down a glass of water instead.
And it didn’t help her any.
Ten minutes later, and still hot under the collar, Jessica found Ryan sitting back on one of her chairs, eyes closed, basking in the sun. A very put-out-looking Hercules lay nearby, ball neglected between his front paws.
She leant over to put the tray of food and drinks on the table when Ryan’s eyes popped open. He looked lazy, comfortable.
Gorgeous.
She pushed the thought away as he ran a hand through his hair and then down his face, as if to wake himself up.
“You’ve got no idea how good this is, just sitting here.”
“Sandwich?”
He took it happily and started eating. Jessica made herself do the same, even though swallowing was like forcing large chunks through a sieve.
They sat in silence for a bit. Eating. Watching the dog chase his tail then start stalking a bird.
“Don’t get me wrong, Jess, but I could have sworn you had something other than my going back to war on your mind before.”
This time she actually choked. Had to reach for her coffee and take a big gulp. What had happened to the stereotype of brooding soldier who hardly said a word and wasn’t up with the whole feelings thing? She had expected him to be quiet and reserved, but the reality of him was anything but. He’d either come out of his shell big-time, or he was making a huge effort here.
And hadn’t they put this behind them and started over?
“Sorry, went down the wrong way,” she stuttered.
Ryan didn’t look convinced, just reached for another sandwich.
“Whatever you say.”
She sighed.
“It’s true I’ve had a lot going on this past year, but I just wasn’t expecting to have to worry about you going back on top of it all. That’s all.”
It wasn’t technically a lie. She would worry about him when he was gone. But when he’d told her, her mind had wandered. To a place she didn’t want to go and shouldn’t have let herself be drawn back to.
“Jessica?”
She put on the brave face she had perfected over the months of treatment she’d received and turned back to him.
“I’m fine, honestly. Tell me about you. What do you want to do while you’re home? Do you need somewhere to stay?”
She held her breath, hoping he’d say no. There was no way she could deal with him staying here. Not now. It was messing her head up just trying to be normal around him for an afternoon.
“Tempting offer, but no, thanks.”
She tucked her feet up beneath her on the seat and turned to face him. It was comforting in a way to watch his face, but off-putting at the same time. Hard to fathom this man sitting here was the author of all those letters, the ones that had kept her going, even through the hard times. Given her something to look forward to and something to focus on.
His eyes softened as he smiled, laughter lines etched ever so slightly into his tanned skin.
“I’ve been hoping you might have some good advice to throw my way.” He paused, taking a sip of his coffee. “On how to deal with a twelve-year-old boy who can’t seem to bear the sight of me.”
Her heart throbbed for a moment, feeling his pain. But she recovered without him noticing.
“When you say he can’t bear the sight of you…”
Ryan grimaced. “I mean that he gets up and leaves the room the moment he sees me, or suffers my presence at mealtime by sitting silently and not raising his eyes.”
Oh. “And your parents?”
That brought the smile back to his face. “Thrilled to have their only son home and desperate for me to reconnect with my own boy.”
She thought about it for a moment. The nice thing about already having a relationship with someon
e, even if it was on paper, was that silent stretches weren’t uncomfortable. Or at least they weren’t with Ryan.
She unfolded her legs and leaned toward him.
“I know it’s going to sound like a cliché, saying that you just need to give him time, especially after all the time you’ve been away, but I think he’ll come around. He’s probably angry at you for leaving and staying away so long, and he wants answers. You need to let him know that when he does want to ask you questions you can be there for him, straight up, honest.”
Ryan closed his eyes and sat back. She could see this was painful for him, but he was better to get it all off his chest with her.
Besides, talking about him was taking her mind off the fact that she was attracted to him. That his being there, beside her, was making her have feelings she’d long ago abandoned when it came to men. And it also made her push her memories back where they belonged. Locked in a box, out of mind’s reach.
He smiled sadly. “You’re right, but sometimes I wonder if he’d have been better off if I’d just stayed away.”
Jessica shook her head. It wasn’t true and he knew it. “Why don’t you practice on me,” she suggested, voice soft. “You can pretend I’m George.”
He nodded. She only just registered the incline of his head as he moved it.
Jessica took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll start.” She paused. “Why did you really go back to war so soon? Why didn’t you come home? Stay with me?”
He kept his eyes shut. “I can’t answer that.”
She sighed and sat back. On second thought she reached for his hand, wanting to give him strength even if it hurt her. “If you can’t be honest with me, how are you going to be honest with a boy who wants the truth?”
She watched as Ryan’s thumb traced her palm, holding her hand back. It felt so good it hurt, but she didn’t dare pull her hand away. Couldn’t. The tingle in her fingertips and the pulse at her neck were enough to make her stay put.
When he was ready to talk he dropped his hold and pulled his chair around to face her head-on. She forced herself to breathe, had to concentrate on every inhale and exhale of her lungs.
“Okay, let’s do this.”
She nodded, still off balance from touching him, from his skin connecting with hers. From wanting him to do it again and hating herself for even thinking about him like that.
Ryan squeezed his eyes shut one more time then focused, looking firmly into hers.
“I left because going away was easier than staying. I was a coward and I should have been here for you.”
Jessica gulped silently as tears pooled in her eyes. This was what he’d been needing to say for so long. There was no disguising the pain in his voice.
“Go on,” she urged huskily.
“I told myself that you would be better off without me, and I felt guilty over your mom’s death. Like if only I’d loved her more, been here for her more, she could have pulled through. Everyone thought we had this perfect life, and in many ways we did, but then when she got sick everything just went into free fall, and after a while it was easier to just stay away than deal with her death.” He paused. “And with you.”
Jessica stood and walked away a few steps. She couldn’t help it. Tears hit her cheeks and trickled their way down her jaw. She’d known hurt before, known what it was like to be left, but she also knew what it was like to be the one who did the hurting.
“Jess?”
“I’m sorry, it’s just…”
“Did I say something wrong?” He sounded concerned.
She reached her fingertips to her face and brushed the tears away. Before she could turn large hands fell on her arms, holding her from behind.
“I shouldn’t have said all that, but once I started it…”
Jessica closed her eyes then turned back to face him. She’d tried not to let her own feelings intrude, but it was hard. Impossible even.
“I lost someone once, too, Ryan, that’s all. Hearing you say all that kind of brought that back. I don’t know why but it did.”
His eyes questioned her but he didn’t say anything. Instead it was as if a metal guard had been raised, shielding his gaze and putting a wall between them. A divide that hadn’t been there before.
Jessica didn’t want to think about her past. Probably as much as Ryan wanted to disclose his, if the look on his face right now was any indication. It did give them something in common. Not exactly the common element most people would wish for, but on some level she did understand him. And if she wanted to tell him, he’d probably feel the same about her. But she didn’t want to, and the last thing she intended was burdening him with her problems, or letting her mind dwell on what could happen to her.
“You know what? I think maybe it’s time for me to go,” he said, suddenly looking like a startled animal within sight of a predator. As if he wanted to flee the scene.
“Okay.” Now she was the one confused. “Do you want to maybe grab dinner tonight? Do that ‘start over’ thing again?”
He was smiling but it looked forced. Not like before.
“Can we take a rain check on that? Maybe tomorrow night?”
Ouch. She hadn’t seen that one coming. She’d overreacted, not been able to keep her emotions in check, but she hadn’t realized he’d react like that.
“How about you call me when you’re free?” she suggested.
He nodded and turned back toward the house. “See you, bud.”
At least he’d said goodbye to the dog.
“I’m sorry, Jess. It’s just that I need to pick George up from school.”
She shrugged. Even she knew that school didn’t get out for a while yet. “I get it. We can catch up later.”
She followed him back into the house, wondering what she would give to truly start over with him and be the strong girl from the letters. To go back to him standing on her doorstep and make the day turn out completely different.
His tall frame disappeared through the door and he didn’t look back, his broad shoulders and dark hair fading from sight.
Jessica stood with her hands on her hips and surveyed the huge stretch of canvas on the floor in front of her. Not her best work, but the colors were brilliant. The organic paint took some getting used to, although if it meant no toxic fumes she had no intention of complaining.
She’d tried to focus on her new piece, but her mind kept wandering. Going to a place she didn’t want to go back to but couldn’t claw out from.
She found it was easier sometimes to pretend it hadn’t happened. When you were surrounded by people who loved you or who had been the cause of grief, it sucked something from you. Pulled you into a world you didn’t want to confront.
Like her cancer. She’d dealt with. Fought it. Survived it.
Yet her family treated her like she needed permanent wrapping in cotton wool just to survive each day now. Looked at her in a way that made her uncomfortable. And she hated it.
Was that how Ryan felt? The same way she did when she looked in the mirror and saw the reality of her body? Is that how he felt about being home? About the reality of what he’d gone through and then battled every day? How it was to come home and face something you’d run from for years?
Sometimes she felt like that, too. Sometimes she wished she could run away from what had happened and leave it all behind. But just like Ryan had had to return, so had she. To the reality of life as a cancer survivor.
She let her hand brush over the almost-hard contour of her breast, skimming the side of it, not caring that her fingers were covered in paint. Jessica sighed. She’d always mocked women with implants. Found it hard to fathom why breast augmentation was such an attraction.
She smiled with the irony. When she’d faced the reality of a double mastectomy, the first question she’d asked was what kind of reconstruction they could do. How they could give her her femininity back. Her breasts.
So now she had teardrop-shaped silicone implants that were better than nothing,
but that still made her shake her head sometimes. That despite being diagnosed with cancer, facing chemo, knowing there was a chance she could die, all she’d wanted was to feel like a woman again. To know that even though they didn’t feel soft when they’d once been natural, she still had her femininity, even if it had meant facing cosmetic reconstructive surgery to obtain them.
Maybe it was the same for Ryan. Without being a soldier, he would feel like less of a man, less of a human being. Maybe that was why he felt he had to go back, had to return to his unit. Had to offer himself up for redeployment.
If she could talk to him, explain to him how she felt, maybe it would help him. Help them both. But she couldn’t do it.
She didn’t want him to know. Couldn’t tell him. Because then he’d start looking at her the same way everyone else did, and with Ryan, she just wanted to be Jessica. Not the girl with cancer. The girl in remission. Or the girl who’d already lost her sister to the disease.
Maybe he wouldn’t look at her differently, or treat her like a different person, but she wasn’t prepared to risk it. Not when she only had a limited time to enjoy having a friend like Ryan.
Or maybe she was too scared to tell him.
Either way, it was her secret and she had no intention of divulging it.
But after the way he’d left today, like he was fleeing a burning wreckage, she didn’t know when they’d be seeing each other again. If ever.
“Jess?”
She looked up as Bella crossed her arms and leaned against the door of her studio. Jess sighed. Today had definitely not gone as planned.
“You have some serious explaining to do,” her friend said.
CHAPTER FOUR
Jessica,
I don’t know how you know so much about loss or dealing with pain, but you’ve helped me more than I could ever tell you. Having a friend to write to, someone to just hang out with in the normal world, makes all the difference to me. I love what I do, wouldn’t give it up for the world, but sometimes it helps to have someone non-army to talk to.