by Soraya Lane
Ryan squeezed his eyes shut and did his best to force away his own tears, to push them away and be strong for his son. It was like his heart was being pulled from his body to beat in the unforgiving heat of the desert sun. Left to wither, exposed to the world.
“I’ll never leave you like that again, ever.” Ryan said the words into his son’s hair. “I promise.”
“But you are going back?”
George pushed away from him to sit upright. His eyes full of hurt, questioning his father.
“I am going back,” he said, knowing he had to be honest. There was no point in pretending otherwise. But it was also time for him to be honest with himself. He wasn’t done with the army, not yet, and he’d already agreed to another term. But it was time to prioritize, and he’d given his country years of service. Had been a dedicated and loyal soldier.
Now maybe it was time to put that same amount of energy into being the father he’d once been. The father he’d always wanted to be. Maybe it wasn’t just about his duty to the army anymore.
“This time will be my last tour,” he said, knowing he was speaking the truth, even though he’d never decided, until right now, that it was going to be his final stint away. “I will go away one more time, then I’ll be done. And this time I’ll be there for you even though I’m away—we’ll stay in touch properly, okay?”
George looked unsure, hesitant, but Ryan didn’t care. Tonight had been a major breakthrough. And all it had taken was some courage on his behalf to take the first step. His son might not believe his words yet, but Ryan would see his promise through and show his son he could be trusted. It was up to him to give George a reason to trust in him.
“You promise?”
He nodded and pulled his boy in for another hug. “I promise, kid. I’m not going to let you down again.”
George held him back hard, clinging on to his father, and Ryan sent a silent prayer skyward. He wouldn’t trade anything for this moment. The pain in his arm, the hurt of his memories, nothing would be worth sacrificing for knowing his son was close. For feeling like forgiveness was possible.
For remembering what it was like to be a real dad again.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Dear Ryan,
I guess you might be wondering just how I understand what you’ve gone through. Maybe you haven’t thought about it, but I feel like we’re close enough now that I need to tell you something—that I’ve gone through what you have. Lost someone close. Battled with my own health and my own demons. That I’ve had…
JESSICA SAT OUTSIDE, one hand raised to shield her eyes from the sun. Hercules lay at her feet, her constant companion. She ran the toes of one foot across his fur, the touch comforting her.
She couldn’t stop thinking about the letter she’d almost sent Ryan. The one in which she’d tried to tell him everything. The one that was her opening her heart and telling him what had happened in her past, and what she was scared might happen in her future.
But then she’d scrunched it up into a ball and thrown it out. Forgotten about it. Except for last night, when the words of that letter had played over and over in her mind. She hadn’t even realized they’d be in her memory bank still, but they had been. Every single word. Keeping sleep from her and haunting her thoughts.
Maybe her brother was right. Maybe she should tell Ryan. Maybe it was the right thing to do.
But she wasn’t going to. If she did, she’d have to end their romance. Right now. Or more likely he’d end it straight away before she had the chance.
If she didn’t? They could continue on, enjoying themselves, and Ryan could go back to his unit oblivious to what she’d been through. And why should he know? He had enough of his own problems to deal with.
Jess stood and stretched. She needed to get back into her studio and paint, unwind and enjoy her creativity. There was no use worrying over something once you’d made a decision, and she had.
It didn’t matter how many times she went over it.
Ryan wasn’t going to find out, she wasn’t going to tell him, and that was the end of it.
“Come on, mister.”
Hercules yawned and padded after her.
They had Bella coming around to visit this afternoon, and she’d be able to talk the subject to death if she wanted. Right now, it was time to paint.
And there was going to be no thinking about the past or the future. It was about time she learned to live in the now.
Ryan knew he had Jess to thank for reconnecting with his son. They had a long way to go, but they’d made progress. When he’d left George’s room last night, he’d felt lighter somehow, like the burden he’d carried all this time had been a weight on his shoulders, pushing him down, trying to cripple him.
Even his arm felt better, despite the pummelling it had taken last night when Jess’s brother had nearly crushed his hand.
But it was all worth it. Having George on speaking terms with him again, listening to his son talk and watching him smile, it was the best reward he could ever have wished for.
And all it had taken was a little courage.
“You want to walk down for an ice cream or something?”
George looked up and put down the video game control. “Yeah, okay.”
He was going to have to get used to those kind of responses. Kids didn’t seem that enthusiastic over anything these days. But he wasn’t complaining. Not while his son was actually talking to him. “Let’s go.”
They stood up to leave. George walked close to him, but Ryan resisted the urge to sling his arm around his son’s shoulder. They might have made progress, but it was going to be slow and he didn’t want to push it.
Jessica sat at the café, Hercules’s lead around her ankle. She couldn’t stop laughing at Bella. Her friend was in a particularly entertaining mood. Even though Bella had left her daughter at home with her husband, she was all they talked about, and it made Jess feel good.
“You know, Mr. Soldier Stud and you would make beautiful babies, if I do say so myself.”
Jess almost spat out her mouthful of coffee. “Babies?”
How had the subject swung around to her all of a sudden?
“Oh, come on,” Bella said as she swatted her hand through the air. “Don’t go telling me you don’t want a family of your own one day.”
Her heart seemed to twinge, like a small knife had been thrown into it. She had always dreamed of being a mother, but the chance of that happening seemed less and less likely these days. It wasn’t even the kind of thing she’d let herself think about this last year.
“Maybe, Bella, but not with Ryan.”
Her friend snorted. “Why not Ryan? He’s gorgeous, funny, buff, did I mention gorgeous?”
It wasn’t like Jess didn’t agree, but it just wasn’t a possibility. “You forget that he’s a widower, a father, and oh, that’s right. A soldier. Who’s returning to his unit soon.”
“Okay, so I get the soldier part, but that’s doable. Heaps of soldiers are great husbands.” Bella paused. “The fact that he’s a widower doesn’t mean he can’t fall in love again, and so what if he already has a son?”
“I know it sounds lame, but…”
There was no way Ryan would consider a relationship with her if he knew the truth, and she didn’t want to get serious. She wasn’t ready to trust someone like that again. To put all her love and dreams into another person only to have them sucked away forever. And she didn’t intend on putting anyone through her getting sick again. It was unlikely, but not impossible, and she’d rather be alone until she at least hit the five-year remission mark.
Bella gestured at her to continue.
“It’s nothing. Let’s just talk about something else, okay?”
Her friend just laughed. Not the response she’d expected.
“Well, well. Look who’s walking toward us.”
Jess glanced up and didn’t see anyone. “Where?”
“Over your shoulder.” Bella smirked. “It’s the st
ud himself.”
Jessica scowled at Bella before turning. “You seriously need to get out more. You’re getting tragic.”
But she felt her own heart start to race—the flutter in her belly that started whenever she was around Ryan began tickling her over and over.
Ryan hadn’t seen them. He was walking with a young boy, clearly his son, and they were talking. Talking!
The nervousness she’d felt at him walking toward her disappeared as she watched the two of them smiling and chatting. Something major must have happened last night.
He’d be over the moon to be spending time with George.
Jessica felt her cheeks ignite. She hoped the smile on his face still had something to do with their kiss, too. It sure had her heart racing again just thinking about it.
Bella kicked her under the table. “Well? Get up!”
She glared at Bella before rising. She raised one hand, hesitantly. An even wider smile crossed Ryan’s face when he saw her. She watched as he touched his son on the shoulder and directed him their way.
“Hi, Ryan,” Jessica called out as they came nearer, swallowing away her nervousness.
“Hi.” He gave her a beamer of a smile back and put his hand back on the boy’s shoulder. “Jess, I’d like you to meet my son, George.”
The kid gave her an awkward smile. “Hey.”
“Hi, George. I’ve heard so much about you.”
“And this is Bella,” Ryan said, gesturing toward her friend.
George nodded in Bella’s direction.
“So where are you two off to?”
Ryan stepped back slightly from his son. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to reassure him that he was doing a good job, but she didn’t dare move any closer. They were only friends, and his son didn’t need any confusing messages sent his way. Not when he was finally on speaking terms with his father.
“We’re going to grab an ice cream then walk back home.”
She was dying to know what had happened. “Sounds like a plan. I’d invite you to join us but you two probably want to spend some time alone together, right?”
George was shuffling his feet, head down, awkward. She felt sorry for him.
“Yeah,” said Ryan, obviously picking up on his son’s discomfort. “We had better get going.”
That made George look up.
“Nice to see you, Ryan,” Jess said.
“Yeah, you, too. See you, Bella.”
Bella waved and grinned back at him.
“Great to meet you, George. Have a nice afternoon,” Jess said.
The boy met Jessica’s gaze, and she wasn’t sure what she saw there. A touch of happiness perhaps, but more uncertainty than anything. She wished she could help him, talk to him maybe, but Ryan would find his way with him. It looked like they’d made some good progress. And it wasn’t about how they got there, it was about how well they connected along the way. Ryan was his father and no matter how hard he was finding it, George was his son and deep down he would want to let his dad in. No child wanted to feel alone.
They started to walk away, father and son, before Ryan turned back. His large frame against George’s slight one brought a smile to her face all over again.
“We still on for tomorrow night?”
Jess nodded. “I’ll see you around seven.”
Ryan gave her a wink and turned away again, but she hardly noticed it. It didn’t make her heart palpitate like it usually would. Because it was George’s last look at her over his shoulder that registered in her brain. The look of horror that passed through his eyes, the disbelief, said it all.
She wanted to run after them, explain she was only friends with his dad, tell Ryan that he needed to talk to his son about them. But it was too late.
She could have been wrong, but from the extra distance now between them, and the despairing stoop of George’s shoulders, she knew she was right.
He had gone from happy to be out with his father to wondering if his dad was trying to replace his mom. And if he thought Ryan had come home for her and not for him, his son, then they’d end up right back at square one all over again.
“You all right?”
Bella pulled her back to reality.
“Why does everything have to be so complicated?” Jess asked.
Hercules moaned at her feet, a big sigh that made her wish she could do the same, whinge then put her paws over her eyes to block out the world.
Bella had no idea what she was talking about, and Jessica didn’t want to discuss it. The last thing she needed was something else to panic about.
“Tell me more about Ruby, okay? Just make me smile.”
Bella frowned but didn’t push the point. Sometimes even her best friend knew when not to pry.
Ryan was starting to feel like there was a pattern developing as he drove toward Jessica’s house. His palms had started to clam up and he was getting nervous again. Not alarmingly nervous, but it was there, and it wasn’t something he was used to feeling.
Today had been good, and yesterday had been even better. George had gone a little quiet on him after they’d bumped into Jess, but they’d had fun, hung out and started to get to know one another again.
And now he had something else to look forward to. An entire evening with Jess, at her place.
He grinned to himself as he drove. Even though he had his arm resting on the open window ledge, and it was throbbing with a hint of pain, he didn’t care. There were too many good things going on his life to worry about something he had no control over. His physio had told him he was progressing well, there were no indications of it being a long-term problem, not after the surgery going so well, and he just needed to keep up his exercises.
So having fun with his son, and with a woman like Jessica, was something he could enjoy before he had to go back to work. As hard as it would be to return this time, he was looking forward to being with the guys again, and now that he’d decided it would be his last tour, he had to make the most of being back with his unit.
Ryan pulled onto her street.
He didn’t know what exactly it was about her, but something about spending time with Jessica felt so right. After his wife had died, he’d never wanted to be close to another woman again. Never wanted to feel so helpless again, so weak. And until recently he’d thought he’d feel like that for the rest of his life.
But Jessica was quickly changing his feelings. He didn’t know what she wanted, if she felt the same way as he did, but this was starting to feel real. Part of him wanted to take it slow, to stay as friends yet something more, but then he also wanted to make things happen more quickly. To make the most of his time back home and see if something special could happen between them.
Because in the span of a week, Jessica had gone from pen pal and good friend, to meaning a whole lot more to him than any other woman had since his wife.
And he liked it. Liked the way she made him feel, the effect she had on him. Whether she felt the same was another matter entirely, but from the way she’d kissed him the other night, he liked to think he could hope.
More than hope.
He liked to think he was in with a real chance.
If he was going to be coming back for good soon, then maybe that meant a chance at a future together.
Jessica fluffed around in the kitchen, knowing she had no purpose, yet not being able to stop herself from moving. It was just a casual dinner at her place, not exactly some grand dinner party, but she was like a ball of wool writhing to untangle. On edge.
She’d put together a simple pasta dish, lots of fresh ingredients tossed with olive oil and lemon juice in a pan, so there was hardly anything culinary to worry about. And dessert was a cake she’d made earlier in the day, but she still felt panicky.
The knock at the door came while she was eyeing up her glass of wine and deciding whether or not to drain it for courage. She was leaning on the counter, staring at it.
Jessica turned away from the glass. She didn’t
ever drink more than a couple of glasses, and the last thing she needed was to make a fool of herself.
“Come in!” she called, hoping Ryan would hear her.
Hercules went bounding down the hall and a second later the door clicked.
Jess took a deep breath, ran her hands down her jeans, then stepped out to greet him. This was ridiculous. She’d seen Ryan a handful of times now. First-time nerves were one thing, but there was nothing to panic about tonight.
“Hi, Ryan.”
He was crouched down giving Herc a scratch. When he looked up she temporarily lost the ability to move. His eyes locked on hers, bright blue, serious yet laughing, drawing her in as if she’d never be let back out again.
“Hi.” He stood and they both watched as Hercules took off down the hall again. “You look great.”
Jess looked down and felt awkward. She was only wearing jeans, an embellished T-shirt that dressed her outfit up and a pair of heels. Her cheeks were flushed, she could feel the heat in them—and her hands could have been shaking. She was so off balance she wasn’t even sure.
She went to turn down the hall, but he stopped her with a hand to her wrist. “Hey.”
When she turned Ryan took a step forward and pressed a kiss to her cheek before putting space between them again.
“You act like no one ever gave you a compliment before.”
His voice was low, almost a whisper, and it made a shiver lick its way down her spine. She swallowed, hard. “I’m not.”
The last compliments she’d had had been from a man who told her what he thought she wanted to hear, but there’d never been any substance to his words. The reason she was embarrassed now was because from the look on his face, Ryan meant what he said.
“I don’t say what I don’t mean,” he assured her.
She didn’t doubt that. “I know, it’s just…”
“Jess?”
She felt uncomfortable being scrutinized.
“I find you not receiving compliments by the bucket-load hard to swallow,” he said. Ryan tucked his fingers beneath her chin and smiled down at her, his eyes locked on hers, body so close. “You look beautiful tonight and you need to believe it.”