by Soraya Lane
Jessica fought against the urge to pull away from him. Instead of giving in to her instincts she made herself smile, forced herself to behave like the grown-up woman she was. “Thanks,” she whispered.
He grinned and let his fingers fall from her skin. “Much better.”
She turned before he had the chance to do anything else. She was nervous, scared.
Exhilarated.
So much for telling herself this was going to be a casual dinner with a friend, that there was no need to panic. She doubted there was much friend left in the equation between her and Ryan anymore. Part of her had hoped he would want more, and the other part told her that friend was as good as it got. Even after their kisses.
Now she wasn’t so sure she was ready for the something more.
Ryan was a hot-blooded male who had suddenly, just from looking at her, from touching her, made his intent very clear.
The way her body was reacting told her she felt the same, no matter how much she wanted to deny it.
Maybe that glass of wine hadn’t been such a bad idea after all.
Jessica didn’t taste a mouthful of her food. She opened her mouth, forked spaghetti in delicate twirls and forced herself to swallow. But the only sense she had was of the man sitting across from her.
She’d forgotten everything else. Had no control over her other senses. Or maybe she did and they were too overloaded on Ryan. She was drunk on the sight of him, the feel of him, the look of him.
The taste of him.
She remembered only too well what his lips felt like on hers, how her body had felt when she was tucked against him, wrapped in his embrace. And after the way he’d touched her in the hall before, the way he felt had been the only thing she’d thought about since.
“This is great.”
At least Ryan seemed to be enjoying the food.
Jessica took another sip of wine. She was going to tell him not to be silly but she remembered only too well what he’d said earlier about taking a compliment. “Thanks.”
She wished she could say more, could come up with something more savvy and chic, but her brain just wasn’t cooperating. Her tongue was swollen like it was bee-stung, not letting her communicate properly.
It was stupid. She was a confident, capable woman and there was no excuse. She had to get a grip. Jessica cleared her throat and set down her fork. “So tell me about George. You two looked like you were having a good time yesterday?”
Ryan’s entire face seemed to light up.
“We had a fantastic time. It’s like we’ve really connected.”
She smiled. It was good to hear.
“But I have to thank you, you know.”
Jess gulped. Her? “Why me?”
Ryan put his own fork down and reached for her hand across the table. “Because you gave me the confidence to make it happen. I don’t think I could have done it without you.”
Jessica forced herself to look up and meet his gaze. His hand over hers was doing something to her, making her body feel hot all over, every inch of it.
“I don’t think I did anything, Ryan. I was just honest with you.”
He squeezed her hand, his eyes never leaving hers. She could gaze into them all night, lose herself in the ocean-blue depths of them, become mesmerized. She wondered if anything had ever looked so beautiful before. The way he was looking at her, the softness she saw there. The honesty.
All this time, she’d thought it would be impossible to ever truly trust a man again. Told herself it couldn’t happen.
But the way Ryan was watching her, the genuine feeling he conveyed through his gaze, the way the skin around his eyes crinkled ever so lightly in the corners when he watched her, his smile upturned to match his expression: all of these things told her that trust and honesty was possible with a man.
She’d just chosen the wrong one before. And let herself believe that he represented the entire male population.
“I went to him, Jess. I went to him because you told me to, because you told me I had to confront the past and be honest with him.”
She looked down, unable to match his stare any longer. “I told you what anyone else would have.”
Ryan shook his head. “That’s the problem.” He dropped the contact with her hand and raised it to her cheek instead, his fingers resting against her skin.
Jess pushed in, lightly, toward his touch. Fought the urge to close her eyes and sigh into his caress.
“I’ve never told anyone else what I told you in my letters. You’re the first person I’ve been honest with in a long while.”
She glanced up at him again, her breath catching in silent hiccups in her throat.
“It started because I trusted you on paper, and now I know I can trust you in real life, too.”
She didn’t know what to say. But when Ryan kept the contact with her face and raised his body, leaning over the table toward her, she knew exactly what to do.
Jessica raised her face to meet his, parted her mouth for his kiss. For the brush of his lips that she knew were coming.
Ryan took her mouth, gently at first and then with a hunger that scared her. She was barely conscious of him standing, of the way he had moved closer, until he pulled away and left her lips tender and alone.
She stifled the moan that fought to be heard deep within her throat.
But Ryan didn’t leave her alone for long. He stalked around the table like a big game animal on the hunt. His large frame towered above her, then he dropped to his knees in front of her. She parted her own knees slightly so he could move closer to her. He was so tall that even with her sitting on the chair he wasn’t much lower than her.
Jess just watched him—the rise and fall of his chest, and the way his eyes fell to her lips. She tried not to think about the what-ifs. Fought against the voice in her head that told her to take things slow, to stop now before it went too far.
Because Jessica knew they had already crossed that line. They’d already gone too far and she was powerless to do anything about it.
“Ryan.”
He circled his arms around her waist, making her feel safe. Wanted. She slowly raised her hands and let them flutter to his shoulders, not sure where to touch him, and then they found his hair. Jess ran her fingers through the soft strands then stopped, fingertips on the back of his head as she bravely urged him forward.
He waited for her. Hardly let out a breath as he watched her and waited. Like he was leaving it up to her, wanted her to tell him it was okay.
And she didn’t disappoint him, was powerless to do anything but make the next move. Jessica kissed him like she’d never kissed a man before. Kept her hands on him, drawing him to her, pressing herself closer to him as their lips danced, his arms still wrapped around her.
She only dropped her hold when she knew he wasn’t going to pull away, to run her hands down his arms, drawing in a sharp inhale as she found bare skin.
His lips became more insistent on hers. Teasing her. Showing her how much he wanted her. And oh, did she want him, too. More than she’d ever wanted to be close to a man before.
“Ryan,” she said his name again. “Are you sure…”
He just kissed her more deeply, ignoring her words. She took his lack of reply as a yes.
Jessica let her fingers keep exploring, reached the hem of his T-shirt and pushed it up, letting one hand discover the contours of his hard stomach, muscles firm against her touch.
His belly quivered, but he didn’t move. Only moaned against her mouth.
She took it as encouragement.
Jess tugged, breaking their kiss to pull his T-shirt over his head, and Ryan didn’t resist.
He shrugged out of it in a second and had his arms back around her before she could properly drink in the sight of him.
But she pushed him back, lightly.
“You have a tattoo,” she whispered.
Wow.
“Yeah.” He shrugged.
If the sun-kissed golden sk
in and hard muscles weren’t enough, hadn’t already taken her breath away, the tattoo came as even more of a shock.
She’d never dated a guy with a tattoo before. Had always thought they were for bad boys, and she’d never gone for that type. But on Ryan? It looked incredible.
“You’re staring.” His voice was low, husky.
Jess gave him a sideways look and smiled. Shyly. “Does it mean anything special?”
The black ink carved out a beautiful eagle, wings open, covering his entire shoulder and down his upper biceps. She’d never liked the idea of a tattoo, but this was something else. Made him look even stronger, tougher. Exciting.
His response was another shrug. She hoped she hadn’t made him self-conscious about it.
“It’s a special forces thing. I got it after my initiation with all the other snipers.”
She leaned forward, bent to touch her lips to his shoulder, kissing down every inch of the inky black image. She let her fingers trail over the small, dark pink scar that showed where his keyhole surgery had been.
Ryan moaned and tightened his hold on her. It made her smile, pleased that he liked it, that he wanted her touch.
“Jess.”
The way he said her name made it sound like a warning. He tugged at her hair, gently, to pull her had back up. She ignored him, slowly running her lips up his neck, making him wait before she returned to his mouth.
She stopped, hovered her lips beside his before kissing him.
Ryan didn’t hold back at all this time. He took her face in his hands, kissed her again, and then stood, lip still tangled, arms around her body.
He only had to look at her to ask her the question. To tell her what he wanted.
The way he watched her, touched her, caressed her, told her everything she needed to know. Left only one question between them.
“Yes,” she whispered, tugging his hand.
He dropped a feather-light kiss to her lips. “Are you sure?”
She tucked in tight against him, nuzzled her mouth to the tender spot between his shoulder and neck, before taking his hand and leading him to the stairs.
No, she wasn’t sure. Showing her body to a man again had been something she’d feared since her operation. All she knew was that she wanted to be with this man, right now, more than anything else in the world.
And that meant swallowing her fears and taking a big step forward. Maybe he wouldn’t notice the difference? she found herself wishing…
Ryan felt as if his whole body was on fire. He wanted this woman like he’d never wanted a woman ever before.
And he was too weak to do what he most wanted. To scoop her up into his arms and carry her to her bed, to make her feel light and wanted in his embrace. He hated not having the strength in his arm, but then if he hadn’t been injured he wouldn’t be here right now. And he knew where he’d rather be, given the choice.
But even though he couldn’t lift her like he wanted to, he could enjoy the weight of her hand in his and the promise in her eyes as she sent a shy glance back over her shoulder at him.
He’d never been nervous before, not with a woman, not like this. But it had been a long time since… He tightened his jaw and pushed the thoughts away. Now was not the time to think about the past.
The problem with Jessica was that she wasn’t just another girl. A one-night stand. He hadn’t been with a woman he felt this serious about since his wife.
She was rather like his wife—not physically, but the same type of woman. He didn’t want to hurt her in any way, do anything that might compromise what they had. Because she meant too much to him. But right now he was powerless to stop what was about to happen, and it was too late to start thinking about why this was a bad idea. He was the one who’d started it, and he certainly wasn’t going to not follow through.
Jessica stopped at what he presumed was her bedroom and dropped his hand. She touched the door frame, looked over her shoulder and gave him an even shyer smile than before.
“You joining me?”
Ryan gave Jessica a brave grin back. “Yes.”
It seemed to settle her, looked like relief crossed her eyes, softening her face.
He was going to ask her again whether she was sure, whether this was what she really wanted, but then she disappeared into the room. Ryan hesitated for a moment before following her in.
Jessica was standing, waiting for him, like she didn’t know what to do. He hated seeing her look unsure, uncertain and nervous, but he knew what he could do to make her feel better. To make sure she knew how much he wanted her.
Ryan tried not to but he knew he stalked her across the room. He wrapped both arms around her, sweeping her to him, before walking her backward until her legs touched the base of the bed.
“Ryan…” His name caught in her throat, and it made him smile.
“Yes?” He arched an eyebrow before taking up on her neck again, where he’d last kissed her, letting his lips tease her skin.
She didn’t say another word.
He already had his shirt off but Jessica was fully clothed. He tipped her back and gently let her fall, before moving to cover her, to lie half above her.
She blinked and kept her eyes downcast, but he tipped her chin up and kissed her lightly on the nose then on her lips. At the same time he touched his other hand to her T-shirt, curling his fingers around it and raising it, pausing to give her the chance to say no.
Jessica responded by wriggling to rid herself of the top.
His gaze fell from her face to her skin, eyes dancing over her lacy red bra, the way her breasts filled it to almost overflowing.
“The light,” she whispered.
Ryan shook his head. “No.”
He stopped when he saw the panicked look on her face.
“Please.” Her voice held urgency, desperation.
“Okay,” he said as got up again, crossed the room and flicked off the switch. “Your call.”
It didn’t matter how much he wanted to watch her, to drink in the sight of her, he would do as she asked. He wasn’t doing anything to compromise what was happening between them.
He stopped, in the dark, letting his eyes adjust.
Before using all of his willpower not to rush across the room and pin her down to devour her, piece by piece.
Jessica felt like she was blushing all the way down to her toes.
She wanted to stop him, to tell Ryan she couldn’t go through with it, but if she told him that she’d be lying to herself.
She wanted him.
She just didn’t want to know his reaction when he realized her breasts weren’t natural.
It was the first time she’d been intimate with a man since her reconstruction, since she’d gone through her treatment, and it scared her. She hadn’t wanted him to see them bare, didn’t want to see his reaction, either, but as soon as he touched them he’d surely know. They weren’t soft and natural as they’d once been. Now there was the undisguisable firmness of silicone, and she was embarrassed about it.
Ryan’s hand skimmed her arm then trailed slowly down the edge of her breast.
She took in a deep breath. This was it. The moment she’d dreaded for almost a year.
“You’re beautiful.”
Jessica closed her eyes and tried not to cry, fighting happiness and tears at the same time. As confused as she’d ever been.
She tried not to shake her head. Thank goodness the light was off so she didn’t have to see the look on his face when he realized.
“You are. You’re more beautiful than I ever could have imagined you’d be.”
Jessica wanted to tell him she wasn’t, admit what he’d find when he took off her final layer, but she held her words in, too scared to say them out loud.
Ryan stopped, as if he were questioning her, but Jess responded by staying still, waiting for him.
She held her breath. Terrified.
When his hand touched her bra, her entire body went stiff, rigid.
She couldn’t do it.
“Stop.”
His hand hovered then fell.
“I can’t, Ryan,” she whispered, distraught.
He dropped his hands to hers, and lowered himself to rest beside her. “Tell me what’s wrong.”
Jessica closed her eyes and pushed away the pain. Tried to figure out what exactly she could tell him.
“I have, well…”
He brushed the back of one hand gently across the side of her face, touching her cheek with the softness of a feather.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Jessica smiled bravely at him. She did want to, that was the problem, but she didn’t know how to deal with the embarrassment of what he was about to find.
Because even with the lights out, without being able to see, he would be able to feel. The scars were minor, the surgeon had done a great job, but the evidence was real and he would notice. There was no way not to.
She took a deep breath.
“Ryan, I have scars. I don’t want…”
“Shhhh.” He bent forward and kissed her, lips hovering over hers. “You don’t have to explain anything to me.”
She shook her head. “I do. My breasts, they’re…”
He waited, fingers stroking her hair.
“I have scars because I had surgery. My breasts aren’t real,” she finally blurted out.
Ryan didn’t say anything. He dropped another kiss to her lips before trailing his way down her neck, delicately across her collarbone, until he reached the lacy edge of her bra.
He paused and looked up at her. She could make out his face even in the dark.
“You’re beautiful, Jessica, and I don’t care what you’ve had done or about any scars.”
With an incredible sense of relief exploding inside her, her body felt like it had turned into a marshmallow. Her fears faded, and her body responded to his touch again. By his lack of reaction, he obviously just thought she’d had a breast augmentation. Realizing she’d managed to put off telling him the truth for a little longer, she trembled. Right now, he didn’t need to know why she’d had cosmetic surgery. If he didn’t care, then why should she?