by Soraya Lane
“George is out?”
Ryan took her hand and led her down the hall. “Yep, at his friend’s house. He looked pleased to get out of here.”
She relaxed. It was just the two of them. Time to finally clear the air and come clean.
She followed him into the living room, toying with her bag, before sitting down on the sofa. He sat down, too, falling beside her, knees knocking hers, thigh brushing against her own.
Jessica felt rotten. The look on his face was so open, so kind, and she was about to bring up something that she’d wanted so badly to keep hidden.
And in the process she was going to hurt him.
But when she looked at him, saw the honesty there, remembered the way he’d treated her last night, she owed him nothing less than the truth.
“Ryan, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Sounds serious.” He grinned and took her hand, fingers circling her palm.
Why did this have to be so hard?
“It’s ah, about your wife. Sort of.”
Ryan’s hand fell away from hers. She wasn’t sure if he was angry or just plain unsure.
“You told me that you couldn’t go through that again. That what happened with your wife…”
His face had gone from soft to hard. Like steel, braced for impact. “Is this about what I said earlier? I’m sorry if I scared you off, I just wanted you to know how I felt, that I wouldn’t be doing this, misleading you, if I didn’t think we had something special between us.”
Jessica sighed. She didn’t even know if she was doing the right thing now. Had no idea how to continue. But she had to try. Maybe she hadn’t completely ruined what chance they might have had at a future together. Maybe he would understand.
“You opened up to me this morning, Ryan, and I think I owe you an explanation. I need to tell you something.”
Ryan was a soldier. His life was all about walking away from his own personal issues and fighting for a greater cause. And yet he’d been brave enough to talk to her, to tell her the truth.
There was only so long she could run and hide from what had happened.
“You can tell me anything, Jess.” He smiled at her so genuinely she wanted to cry. “Whatever you need to say, you can.”
Jessica gripped his hand harder. Her eyes locked on his.
“I know what it’s like to keep things hidden inside. I…”
He held her hand back, tight. “You do?”
A noise startled them both.
Jessica turned at the same time as Ryan. And came face-to-face with his son.
“George?” Ryan said, startled.
George looked at them and walked through the room and into the kitchen.
Jessica felt her heart sink to her toes. From the way they were cuddled up close on the sofa George probably thought he’d walked in on something he shouldn’t have.
“Jess, can we…”
She smiled. There was nothing else she could do. Except maybe fall in a heap and sob her heart out. “Where’s your room? I’ll go and give you two some privacy.”
He pointed down the hall. “Third on the left.”
She touched his arm and walked away. “Take all the time you need.”
Jessica opened the door to Ryan’s room and stepped in. She could hear the sound of his voice as he spoke, but it was muffled and she didn’t want to hear anyway. Whatever he needed to say was between him and his son, and she had enough on her own mind than needing to stick her nose in where it wasn’t welcome.
It was weird being in Ryan’s own personal space, and there was something disturbing about being there for the first time on her own. It made her think about what she hadn’t managed to tell him. What she’d come here to say.
What she didn’t want to tell him but had to.
Ryan was like a huge grizzly bear with a heart of gold, a man who’d known heartache like she could only barely understand, despite what she’d been through. A man who could kill an enemy with his bare hands yet was prepared to admit that he’d been a bad father in the past, and be honest with her that he couldn’t face losing another person he loved again.
A man she wanted to love so bad, but was too scared of being honest with. It had been so much easier writing letters, when she could imagine that one day they could meet, that maybe he’d like her.
But she’d never considered that he’d be the kind of man she could fall in love with.
And deep down she knew she had already.
The reality of what she was feeling was harder to deal with. The reality of Ryan was a man who could cocoon her in his arms and make her feel safe. Make her think he could protect her from anything, maybe even from cancer. A man whose smile could make her forget every worry she’d ever had in her mind.
A man she could imagine having a life with.
So why hadn’t she just been honest with him from the start? Why hadn’t she told him when he’d opened up to her about losing his wife that first night over dinner?
Jessica sat on Ryan’s bed, waiting for him. It seemed silly to be hiding out in here while he tried to deal with his son, but he was the parent. He was doing his best and she wasn’t exactly helping the father-son relationship any. In fact, if they were both honest about it, her being in his life was probably the only remaining wedge stuck between him and his son.
But for some reason they had a connection that meant he was prepared to cause himself further heartache, to allow something to develop between them. And that only made her feel worse.
She’d been dishonest. And she knew that whatever he told her, as honest as he’d been with her, he’d probably still run away once she told him the truth. And if, by some miracle, he didn’t run, at the very least he’d be angry…no, furious with her.
Jessica fought the urge to lay back and cry. Instead she sat up straight and looked around her. Pushed her thoughts away. His scent was in the room, the bed still crumpled from where he’d slept the night before, but it wasn’t a personal room.
Jessica stood and walked to the dresser. She let her eyes wander over a photo of George and a very old wedding photo of a Ryan she didn’t recognize. It felt like she was already intruding, looking over his things like this, but she didn’t stop. At least it was taking her mind off the way she’d behaved.
She moved to his wardrobe and stood in front of the door, fingers itching to open it. She listened. Just faintly, she could still hear the echo of voices in the living room.
Jessica looked at the closet, considering it as if it was a living, breathing thing. She opened the door so fast she couldn’t change her mind, then staggered back, stumbling over her own feet.
Oh, my.
Ryan’s U.S. Army camouflage pants and shirt hung from a thick, sturdy hanger. It was as if it was a person, the way his clothes hung with such a presence. The way they managed to steal the breath from her lungs, just hanging there like that. The uniform looked back at her like it had a soul of its own.
It was a part of Ryan, as much a part of his life as anything. It was the uniform he had worn when he’d been on tour last, what he’d no doubt been wearing when he’d sat and written to her. Maybe he’d even been wearing it when he’d read the letters she’d sent him.
It was a Ryan from another life, not the man she knew here.
Jessica wriggled her fingers, flexing them, before touching the fabric. Her fingers skimmed the strong, rough cotton of the camouflage shirt, nails tracing the nametag. McAdams. His name played in front of her eyes.
She touched down the legs. Same fabric, same feel. His boots, black and shiny, stood forlorn beneath the hanging uniform.
Jessica stepped closer, inhaling as she moved. It was clean, but not freshly laundered. She pulled it closer, hoping he’d never wear it again, then wishing she could stop herself from thinking that.
Tears stung her eyes. It was like a lump of wood was jammed in her throat, making swallowing impossible.
Why had it taken seeing his uniform to truly
make her realize? The problem wasn’t that she didn’t want to be with Ryan, didn’t want a future with him.
What she was scared of was losing him.
She’d never wanted it to be just a fling. To start with, she’d convinced herself that a few weeks or months with him was all she wanted. But from the moment they’d met…no, from the moment she’d felt the power of his words, she’d let herself hope that what they had could develop into something special.
She’d just been too scared to admit it to herself.
Deep down she didn’t want him to go back at all. To leave her for even a moment. She wanted him to stay here, safe, to look after her instead of her country. To protect her.
Something crinkled. Jessica let go and watched as the uniform swung back into place, like it was trained to hang straight, with perfection, like the way a soldier stands to attention. She looked over her shoulder, making sure she was still alone, then reached forward. Her hand connected with the front pocket of his shirt, and she heard the rustle again.
Something made her open it. Made her curious. Something told her she had to see what was there.
She undid the button and reached inside. It was a letter. Someone else might not have realized straight away, but she knew. Just like she knew instinctively that it was a letter for her.
After months of writing one another, she knew his handwriting almost as well as she knew her own. Even the way he folded his letters was precise, although this one was rumpled, like he’d been carrying it a long time.
The only difference was that this one wasn’t in an envelope that had her name scrawled across the front. But when she unfolded the sheet, it had her name at the top of it.
She closed her eyes, wishing she could walk away from it, put it back and not read it. He hadn’t given it to her, it felt wrong to look at it like this, but she couldn’t not read it.
Turning away would be like denying a bee its pollen.
It was okay. If he didn’t want her to read it, he wouldn’t have been carrying it in his pocket, right? He’d probably just forgotten to post it, then he’d arrived home and he’d probably already told her what was written inside.
Or maybe not.
Either way she had to know what it said.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Dear Jessica,
I’ve been sitting here since before sunrise, and now it’s almost midday. There’s only one thing I want to tell you. One thing I’ve been wanting to tell you, so I’m just going to come out and say it.
I think I love you, Jessica. I know I’ve never met you, I know it’s impossible to say this when I could pass you in the street at this exact moment and not know you. But one day, when we do meet, I know I’ll look at you and still feel the same.
A stranger might say that when we meet it won’t be the same, but something tells me it will be. That there’s a reason we managed to find each other even though we’re on opposite sides of the world. I want to come home, and I think the reason is you.
I love you, Jessica.
Ryan
JESSICA CAREFULLY REFOLDED the letter. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t blink. She could barely move.
She forced herself to put the letter back in his breast pocket, fumbled with the button, then closed the closet door.
No.
He couldn’t love her. He couldn’t.
Now that he’d met her, did he still feel that way?
Could he truly feel that way about her now?
Love her?
But in her heart, she knew the answer to that. Just like she knew that, without a shadow of doubt, she loved him back with all her heart. She’d fallen in love with him about the time she’d been released from hospital. When she’d realized that his letters were what had helped her pull through. Had given her the strength to recover.
All this time she’d been denying it, telling herself she was okay with a casual fling, with him going away again when she’d been in love with him since before he’d even arrived home.
But he couldn’t love her back. He couldn’t. And she wasn’t going to wait around to find out.
He’d made it clear he couldn’t live through the pain of losing a wife again. And even if he accepted what had happened to her, what she’d hidden from him, it wasn’t fair to put him in that position again when even she didn’t know what was going to happen to her.
Jessica grabbed her sweater and tried not to run. She walked out of his room, moving as quietly as she could, and made for the back door. He’d be better off forgetting her. If he knew the truth he’d be devastated, and he deserved better. If she left now, before things went any further, he’d hurt less than finding out the truth later on. A slightly broken heart was better than him knowing she had cancer and having to deal with what might happen to her in the future. What could reoccur.
She should have ended things before they got this far. Should never have considered telling him about what she’d battled. It would be better for both of them, her leaving.
So why was it so hard walking away?
Tears fell down her cheeks like oversize raindrops falling from the sky to touch her. Shudders ran back and forth along the planes of her skin. Her bottom lip quivered like it was an instrument being played. But she kept on walking, until she was outside, and she didn’t stop until she got in the car.
It was over. It had to be.
She only wished she could have said goodbye to him first.
When she walked back into her house, even the smile and waggy tail that Hercules threw her way couldn’t make her happy, not even for a heartbeat.
“Come here.”
She hardly had to whisper for Hercules to come to her. It was like he knew the power of his fur, knew how much she’d come to need him, to crave the warmth of his little body and the way he cuddled into her when she held him.
Jessica scooped him up and pressed him tight to her chest, her face falling to kiss his little head.
She tried not to think about Ryan but no matter what she thought of, his eyes were in her mind and the words of his final letter to her were ringing in her ears.
“Who’s been phoning us, huh?”
She smiled at her loyal companion through her tears, walking with him in her arms to hit the flashing light on the machine.
“Hey, sis, haven’t heard from you in a while. Call around for a drink tonight if you’re free, or whenever. See you later.”
Jess smiled and hit delete. Steven might be overprotective and overbearing sometimes, but he was a great brother. And she knew that no matter what happened, how right he might have been, that he’d never say I told you so.
There was one more message.
She leant back on the counter and snuggled Herc.
“Ah, Jessica…”
She jerked forward, almost losing Hercules in the process. She would know that voice anywhere. It was her doctor.
“I’d hoped to speak to you in person but I haven’t been able to get hold of you. Your test results came back and we’re going to need to do some follow-ups. Please don’t worry, it might not mean anything but as you know we need to be overcautious.”
Jessica hit delete immediately.
She gently placed Hercules down on the ground and let her shaky hand reach for the glass in the sink. She turned the faucet on and filled the glass, drinking a few mouthfuls, before turning the water back on to let the cool liquid run over her wrists.
This couldn’t be happening.
She eyed the telephone and wished she didn’t know the doctor’s number by heart.
Jessica sat down at the table, pen in hand. It didn’t matter how she felt about Ryan, but what she wanted to say, it was just so hard to get it out, to make the words form in her brain and force them out in the open. The only way she truly knew how to communicate with him was on paper.
The words ran like the credits of a movie over and over, around and around in her mind, a well of dialogue she couldn’t deny. Writing to Ryan came so naturally, usua
lly, but no other letter had ever been so hard to write.
The doctor was right, it might be nothing, but she still had to tell Ryan. She owed him more than a lie now. She hoped he wouldn’t think that he had to be there for her, that he couldn’t walk away, even if he really wanted to. That somehow her cancer was his problem, too, when it wasn’t.
Because unlike her ex, Ryan would probably feel obliged to be there for her now, if something was wrong, and she didn’t want to be a pity case.
She needed to tell him the truth, and there was only one way she knew how to.
Jessica started to write.
Dear Ryan,
I don’t know how we got here, or what we did to deserve this, but there’s something you need to know about me that I never told you. Something that will no doubt make you want to run and never see me again.
When I started writing to you, I was in the hospital. I should have told you, but then I never thought I’d actually ever meet you. I never thought you would have to be the one supporting me. You were the soldier, the man away at war, and helping you made me feel better. You were the only person in my life who didn’t treat me like a bird with broken wings. I could be myself, talk to you, laugh, without any strings.
But something happened when you arrived here, into my life. Suddenly you weren’t just a soldier, a faceless person who needed a friend. You were a man and I was a woman. So I didn’t tell you about my cancer.
Before you, cancer was all I thought about. Then I thought I’d beaten it. Maybe I still have, but I don’t know for certain yet. Either way I owe you an explanation for why I ran out on you earlier today, and why I’m going to disappear from your life forever.
I need to go back and see my specialist, Ryan, and so I think it’s best we don’t see each other again. You have George to deal with, and my being with you was complicated enough even before I plucked up the courage to tell you about my past.