by Soraya Lane
Now he knew what true love really felt like.
“Did she feel the same way?”
Ryan shook his head and played with her hair, his arm resting on her shoulder. This was the part he hated to admit, even to himself. Why he felt guilt like a crawling parasite over his skin sometimes. He’d always wondered if maybe he hadn’t loved her enough to save her.
“She loved me deeply, I’d always known it. I could see it in her eyes every time she looked at me, even when she was in hospital with machines bleeping every time she so much as blinked.”
He stopped and she just watched him. Ryan wished he could tell what she was thinking. “I never lied when I told her I loved her. We got married when we were eighteen, she was already pregnant with George, and we were happy. We never argued, and I told her every day that she meant the world to me. And she did.”
“But?”
He leaned forward and kissed the tip of her nose. He wanted to ask Jessica if it made him a bad person for thinking he was so pleased to have met her. That finding her meant he could finally forgive Julia for leaving him. But he didn’t. Because part of him wasn’t ready to admit that out aloud yet. And he had a feeling that maybe Jessica wasn’t ready to hear it.
But what he was sure about was how he felt about her. The last twenty-four hours had proven to him how special she was. “There’s no but. I just want to say thank you, Jess. For everything.”
She smiled as a tear escaped from the edge of her own eye. He kissed it away as she whispered back to him.
“You’re welcome.”
CHAPTER NINE
Dear Ryan,
I know by now that you probably torture yourself by thinking over things you should have done, but there’s no point dwelling on the past. Especially on things you had no power to control. Before you come home, I think you need to forgive yourself, and let yourself move on.
Focus on what you have to do, stay safe and promise me that you’ll write to your son more often. Even if you don’t have much to say, just put pen to paper.
We write to one another so often now that you don’t have any excuses not to write to him. Okay?
Jessica
JESSICA COULDN’T HELP the sigh that escaped her lips. She’d thought waiting for Ryan to arrive last night had been nerve-wracking. How wrong she’d been. Waiting to meet his son was far worse. The only consolation was that she wasn’t meeting his parents, too.
She walked into the park, clutching Hercules’s lead and telling herself it was worth it. They’d had a great time last night. Make that super. And if he needed her to meet his son, to keep things open and honest, and help to repair his relationship with George, then she didn’t have much choice other than to go along with it.
But she was already feeling messed up in her head about what had happened. Not the physical side, but the way he’d opened up to her. She was starting to think that maybe he wanted more from her than she’d expected from him. The way he’d talked to her, the things he’d told her…
She’d told herself this thing with Ryan was meant to be casual. He was leaving soon. She was not available to the idea of anything serious, and yet it felt like they had gone from friends to something very serious, very fast.
Jess pushed her hair behind her ears and tried to shut off the voice in her brain telling her to run. No matter what happened today, she had to remember it was worth it. Ryan had made her feel incredible last night. He had made her realize that she could be wanted and loved again. Just because he was going away did not mean it wasn’t worth every moment. Because it was.
She’d been so scared of showing a man her body, of opening up again and putting her heart out there. But Ryan had helped her through something she had thought was impossible to recover from. Once she’d gotten over the initial shock of him seeing her breasts, she hadn’t thought about it again all night. After months of worrying, he’d made her thoughts vanish in less than a heartbeat.
Just thinking about him like that put a smile back on her face. Until she spotted them. And her anxiety came back like a troop of butterflies playing in her stomach.
Ryan raised a hand to wave. They were walking along by the pond. She could see his son smiling, then watched as his face fell when he saw her. She wanted to run. But it was too late to back out now.
Instead she sucked up her courage and bent to let Hercules off the lead. The least she could do was let the dog have fun, chase some ducks while she tried not to find a hole to crawl and hide in.
“Jess!” Ryan called out and she mustered up a big smile again. Forced it on her face.
She waved back and watched as Hercules bounded up to them, before taking off to do laps back and forth along the water’s edge.
“Hi, guys.”
Ryan walked toward her and kissed her on the cheek. She tried to enjoy it, to experience that magical breathlessness she usually felt when his lips touched her. But instead all she saw was the flush of George’s cheeks as he looked the other way.
“I was telling George what happened with your dog the last time we were here,” Ryan said.
The boy nodded, face still stained a patchy red.
Jess shook herself out of the slump she was in. She was the adult here, the least she could do was make it as easy on George as she could.
“Little Herc means the world to me,” she said, taking a step away from Ryan, needing the breathing space as his boy watched them. “I can’t believe I was so caught up in getting to know your dad that I almost lost him.”
“Why did you start writing to my dad?” The boy’s face flushed a deep red just asking her.
“Well…” She paused and looked at Ryan. He nodded at her to continue. “I wanted to show that I cared about what our soldiers were doing for us, for our country. I heard about a pen-pal program that was being run with the army, and somehow I ended up writing to your father, out of all the soldiers serving overseas.”
Ryan moved closer to his son, hand on his shoulder. “When I told you that Jess made a huge effort to write to me, I meant that she wrote to me all the time. Every week. She helped me to see why I needed to come back home.”
George took a few steps back then turned to face the water again. “What did she tell you?”
Jessica didn’t know what to say. She was uncomfortable being made to feel like she was somehow a surrogate mother for the day. It wasn’t a role she wanted to fill. She wasn’t ready to face that kind of commitment.
“She guided me through dealing with my problems, we talked about everything and it gave me the strength to face what I’d left behind,” Ryan explained.
“Did you talk about Mom?” George asked.
Jessica wanted to back away but she couldn’t. She just stood there, feeling like an intruder.
“Yeah, about you and your mom.”
George turned away, like he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. It hadn’t gone down that badly, but it hadn’t exactly been great, either.
“Lunch?” She made the suggestion as the air became stale between them all.
Ryan looked at her gratefully. “Yeah, good idea.”
She sat beneath a nearby tree on the grass and Ryan did the same. George didn’t move.
Jess didn’t want to be here any more than she guessed the boy did. It felt like she was intruding on something she had no right to be a part of.
“I hope you like sushi.”
She nodded. At least lunch was going to be good. “Show me what you’ve got.”
Ryan gave her a relieved look, reaching out to squeeze her hand before calling to his son. “You joining us, George?”
He slowly turned toward them, his eyes telling his entire life story. They looked sad, haunted almost, and Jess fought the sudden tug deep inside her that made her want to hold him, to comfort this boy who was so confused.
He just shrugged, but she knew he probably wanted to cry. To yell at her and ask his dad why he had to meet her at all.
“Hey, George, why don’t you
go get Hercules for me?” she suggested.
There was a small light in his eyes as she gave him the Get Out of Jail Free card.
“Either throw sticks into the water for him, or just get hold of him and bring him back,” she told him.
George went off straight away and Ryan reached for her knee, his hand closing over it. “Thanks for that.”
She took a deep breath. “I don’t know if meeting George today was the best idea.”
Ryan grimaced. “I know, but I did have a big talk with him before we came. Explained why I wanted him to meet you.” He paused. “Sometimes the hardest thing is the best thing to do, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time, right?”
“I think him having to deal with me when you guys are only just starting to sort things out is too much.” But part of her felt dishonest—because maybe, just maybe, it was just too much for her and yet exactly the right thing for George.
Ryan shook his head, jaw suddenly clenched a bit tighter, making him look more determined. His hand hovered then came to rest on her cheek.
Jess sighed at his touch.
“You mean something to me, Jess, and I don’t want to keep things from him.”
She turned her face to kiss his palm, wishing things could be more simple between them. That he wasn’t going away, and that she didn’t have to keep huge secrets from him.
“Ryan, you’re going away soon.” Jessica paused. “There’s no need to cause complications when they don’t even need to exist.”
Now it was Ryan shaking his head. “I should have told you that I’m not leaving for good, Jess. If I didn’t think we had a chance, that this didn’t mean something, I wouldn’t have let things go this far between us.”
She swallowed, hard.
“In fact, I’ve already decided that this will be my last tour.”
Silence hung between them.
Oh, my.
Was he serious?
She hadn’t seen this coming. He’d been so determined to continue on with his career in the army, had made that so clear to her in his letters, it was the only reason she’d let things go this far. He’d even told her as much that first day they’d met.
Ryan was being so honest with her, and here she was keeping guilty secrets from him. All this time she’d thought it was men she couldn’t trust, yet right now she was the one lying by omission. Who wasn’t being up front about what she wanted and what she had to give. And now he was telling her that maybe they had a chance at a future. The one thing she’d thought he didn’t have to offer her.
“Ryan…”
She didn’t know what to say.
“Do you really think I would have jeopardized our friendship by making love with you if I was going to walk away and never look back?” She saw a flash of anger, of disappointment in his eyes. “You’ve done so much for me, the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”
And yet from the sound of it, she was going to be the one doing the hurting.
Did that mean he wanted more from her? That he thought this was going to develop into something she hadn’t possibly thought it could turn into?
Tears stung, pricked at the back of her eyes, but she fought them. She was used to putting on a brave face, to keeping her emotions to herself.
She wasn’t emotionally available for a relationship. And she’d lied to him. If she’d just told him about the cancer in the first place, things would never have gotten to this point. It was her fault and no one else’s.
“I think what you need to do is focus on your son,” she said instead.
Ryan’s eyebrows knotted as he drew them together. “Without you I wouldn’t even have a relationship with my son.”
She disagreed. He would have found a way to reconnect with George even if she hadn’t been there for him. She looked up as Hercules landed in her lap. She cleared her throat as George appeared.
“Hey, buddy.” She swatted at her dog as he tried to kiss her.
Ryan stayed silent.
“Thanks, George, he can be a handful sometimes.”
The boy smiled at her and sat down. Hercules went straight over to him and had him laughing within seconds.
Ryan looked back at her, confusion in his eyes. She gave him a tight smile back. There was a lot unsaid between them, and from the look on his face, she’d hurt the one man who had given her a glimpse of what she might one day have in the future. An honest, caring, kind man who deserved better than what she could give him right now.
When he found out what she’d kept from him, he’d be hurt beyond belief. So the only thing she could do was make sure he never, ever found out. Which meant she had to make a decision and stick to it. Maybe it was time to walk away. Either that or she had to brave up and give him the chance to accept her for who she really was. The very thought made her shiver with fear.
“Sushi, right?”
Ryan gave her a confused smile and took three trays out of the plastic bag he’d been carrying.
She smiled back, but inside she was crying a thousand tears. He’d opened up to her, and she’d let him, because as his friend she owed it to him to listen and be there for him. What she hadn’t realized was that when he’d told her this morning that he hadn’t loved his wife enough, that just maybe he’d been trying to tell her something else.
Except she wasn’t ever going to put him through that kind of heartache ever again.
CHAPTER TEN
Dear Ryan,
Have you ever thought about coming home for good? I know you love what you do, but I often wonder how long a person can live away from their family. From their normal life.
Don’t you miss being home? Or are you so focused on your task over there that you don’t even let yourself think about what you’re missing out on back here?
Whatever happens, even if we don’t end up meeting, I want you to know that I think about you and your unit every day. And I pray for your safe return home one day soon.
Jessica
AFTER TOYING WITH her phone for what felt like forever, Jessica put the key back in her car’s ignition and gripped the steering wheel.
Things hadn’t gone well this afternoon. Not well at all.
Somehow the perfect morning, waking in the arms of a man like none other she’d met before, had turned into the most dismal afternoon on record.
And no amount of grocery shopping or busying herself at home had helped the way she was feeling.
She needed to deal with this properly.
Finally she’d met the kind of guy she’d always dreamed of. Enjoyed the company of a member of the opposite sex, had a night that she would remember forever and had a man open up to her and tell her that she meant something to him.
Yet she was the one who’d managed to blow things. She wasn’t ready for a relationship, had never thought whatever it was she had with Ryan could even have the chance of turning into something serious. Not when she’d expected him to be away serving again for goodness only knew how long.
So she either had to hurt him by coming clean and telling him about her past, and break her own heart in the process, and convince him that she liked him back but that nothing could happen, or call things off right now.
But in all the hours that had passed since she’d left him this afternoon, she hadn’t figured out what to do. She cringed and put her foot down on the accelerator a little harder.
The way she felt around him was…indescribable and made her want to tell him the truth about her past. Yet would calling things off now be easier on him than telling him the truth? It would certainly prevent her from ever hurting him again like he had been over his wife’s death, if he wasn’t around to see her in the event that she became sick again.
If she wasn’t driving she’d have banged her head against the wheel. It was all such a mess. Even without the added complication of his son, it was too much, too soon. Yet here she was, looking for his house, determined to do something to make the afternoon turn out better than it had so far.
Jess scanned the numbers on mailboxes until she saw 109. Phew. His car was in the driveway. And it appeared to be the only one in residence. He’d mentioned that his parents were away for the night, had gone off to visit friends. And his son was to be at a friend’s place, too, or so he’d said earlier.
That meant it was now or never.
Jessica stepped from the car and walked up the path. It was a nice house, nothing flashy, but modern and solid. A small family home. She guessed it had been Ryan’s when his wife was still alive. He’d told her that he owned it, but his parents lived there and took care of the place while he was gone.
Jess knocked on the door.
“Coming.”
His voice hit her in the chest, pierced her in the gut.
Suddenly the idea of calling things off was definitely not an option. That left her with one possibility on her list: she could leave it up to him, tell him the truth and let him decide if he could face the possibility of the pain of cancer again.
The door swung back.
“Jess?”
She stood there, awkward, handbag clutched under her arm. Unsurprisingly, Ryan looked unsure. She’d bolted from the park straight after lunch, so he was probably wondering why she was even here.
“Can I come in?” she asked.
His face relaxed and he held out his hand. “Come here.”
She softened at his touch, let him draw her in, hold her. Comfort her. Even though she didn’t deserve it.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” she mumbled against his chest.
Ryan kissed her forehead and stepped back. “My fault, not yours. It was too much, too soon, right?”
She nodded, eyes cloudy with tears. It felt so right to be tucked against him, to find comfort from his body, but she knew what she had done was wrong. For once she had to admit that her brother had been right. If she’d been honest from the start she wouldn’t be in this position right now.