The Army Ranger's Return (Harlequin Romance)

by Soraya Lane

  You mean so much to me, but I can’t put you through this, not after what you’ve seen. What you’ve gone through in the past with your wife, and what you made so clear you could never cope with living through again. I should have come clean then, been honest with you, but I was scared you’d walk away, and I wasn’t ready to lose you so soon after meeting you. I wanted to enjoy your company while you were here, enjoy our friendship, although I can see now that was selfish of me.

  Please know that I love you, Ryan. If we’d met in another lifetime, maybe we could have had something amazing together. I’m sorry, for what it’s worth, and I will never forget you so long as there is breath in my body.

  Yours always,

  Jessica

  Jessica wiped at the tears falling in a steady stream down her cheeks, but one still managed to plop onto the paper. It didn’t matter. In her heart she knew he’d probably shed his own tears when he found her note, and she deserved to feel bad over what she’d done to him.

  What she’d kept from him.

  She picked up the letter, folded it, then placed it in an envelope. Jessica scrawled his name across it and picked it up, her bag in the other hand.

  Earlier he’d phoned, telling her he wasn’t sure what had happened before but that he’d be around later tonight to see her. To make sure she was okay.

  Jessica dialed her brother’s number.

  “You okay?”

  She smiled into the earpiece. Her brother meant the world to her. “The specialist has agreed to see me in the morning.”

  “You want me to come with you?”

  “No, I’ll be fine.” She hoped. “If it’s okay with you I’m going to come over soon with Herc so he can hang out with you tomorrow while I’m gone.”

  “You want to stay here the night?”

  She tried not to cry. “Yeah, if that doesn’t mess up your evening.”

  “Get in the car, sis, I’ll have dinner waiting.”

  She hung up and picked up her keys.

  Hercules was at her heel and followed her outside. Jessica only paused to lock the door and tape the envelope to the timber, just below the handle. She was glad she wasn’t going to be around to see the look on Ryan’s face. Just walking away from what she’d written was like a stake was being forced through her heart.

  Ryan held his son tight and gave him a pat on the back. Man-to-man kind of stuff.

  George smiled when he released him.

  He hated that Jessica had had to leave, that his heart-to-heart with George had taken so long, but he’d have time to explain himself to her tonight. What mattered was that he’d been honest with George about his feelings for Jess, and now he had to be honest with her about them, too.

  “You sure you don’t mind if I leave you here for a bit?”

  George shook his head. “Nah, go see her.”

  “Because if you’d rather me stay here I will.”

  His son rolled his eyes. “I get it. Just go, all right?”

  Ryan gave him another slap on the back and stood, feeling good about how things were turning out. Finally.

  “Guess I need to stop running for good, right?”

  George just watched him.

  “It’s time for me to put down my roots again here, son. You know I meant it the other night when I said this would be my last tour, didn’t you?”

  He received a nod in return. Ryan gave George one final look, to reassure himself he’d be okay, then pulled on his jacket and found his car keys.

  He’d finally found out what it meant to be a father again, and he wanted to be there for George. Had spent the better part of the afternoon opening his heart up to him and making sure he understood what his priorities were. Made sure he knew that his bringing Jessica into their lives was because what he felt for her was real. And what she’d done for them, the way she’d helped him man up to his son, was why he was prepared to fight for his right to be in both of their lives.

  If there was one thing this injury had taught him, it was that he wasn’t invincible. Or immortal.

  He was desperate to speak to Jessica now. Whatever she’d been upset about telling him couldn’t change his mind, even if she was nervous about getting something off her chest.

  Opening his soul to her had been less painful than he’d thought, and after having a long talk with George, he had no intention of mucking up a future with Jess. Not now that his son understood what she meant to him.

  It was now or never.

  Ryan pulled up outside Jessica’s house and walked up the path. There were no lights on inside and the curtains weren’t drawn.

  Maybe she hadn’t got his message? His stomach flipped, anxiously. He hoped nothing had happened to her.

  Ryan decided to go and knock anyway. She could be taking a nap, reading in her room without the light on. He wasn’t going to back down now, not when he’d mustered the courage to open up to her. To tell her what she needed to know about him, and to admit how he really felt about her.

  As he neared the door, he saw something white moving ever so slightly in the breeze. He squinted. It was almost dark, but he could tell it was an envelope. He’d waited for enough of them over the last year to know the exact size of the stationery she used.

  Ryan stopped a foot from the door and reached out to touch it. Jessica’s soft, scrawly handwriting stood out and beckoned him, called to him as it always did. He’d loved receiving her letters when he was away, had treasured every one, but this one felt different.

  This time when he saw his name, it made him want to drop it. Why would she have left him a letter? She could have called or waited for him, or scribbled a note on the door telling him when she’d be back.

  The formality of this one felt all wrong. His name on the outside. The envelope. The darkness of the house in contrast to the white of the paper.

  Ryan pushed his thumb beneath the seal and slowly took the letter from it. He walked back to the car so he’d have enough light to read it. There was no point knocking on her door, she’d clearly left this for him, and she wouldn’t have pinned it there if she’d been inside.

  He opened his car door and dropped into the driver’s seat, feet still firmly planted on the road. He flicked the interior light on and held the note up.

  Ryan felt the kick of betrayal, of pain, the moment he read her words. They hit him like a heavy man’s fist to his stomach.

  Jessica had lied to him.

  She’d lied to him and she didn’t even have the guts to tell him to his face.

  He finished her words, eyes first skimming then rereading more slowly what she’d written. What she’d written on paper rather than tell him to his face.

  Ryan dropped the letter then bent to retrieve it, screwing it up into a tight ball and throwing it out onto the sidewalk, not even able to bear having it in the car with him.

  He sat, he couldn’t do anything else.

  Why? Why hadn’t she just told him? What had he done to make her think she had to hide herself from him? To think she had to deal with all his problems yet not share her own?

  Ryan tried to calm himself down. Tried to put his training in place and stay collected, to keep his mind settled.

  But he couldn’t. Fury charged within him like a tornado that built itself up to rip homes from the ground and spit them out again all torn and broken. His face was burning hot, fists clenched at his sides.

  No! He was not going to let her just walk away like this. He’d finally opened up, acted like the man he so wanted to believe he was, and she’d just disappeared.

  Ryan swallowed, over and over, trying to fight something he hadn’t felt in so long. Sadness. Gut-wrenching, heart-breaking sadness. Guilt and pain like he’d thought he’d never have to experience again.

  Tears stung in his eyes but he was powerless to stop them. They wet his cheeks then streamed down his jaw. He wiped at them, furious, but he couldn’t stop the way he felt, or the way his body was reacting.

  He wasn’t the kind of g
uy who cried, for heaven’s sake!

  Ryan pulled his arm back and made a fist, pummelling the steering wheel. His fingers and wrist exploded with pain upon impact, his upper arm and shoulder throbbing within seconds.

  His physio was going to kill him, but he didn’t care.

  What he cared about right now, right at this moment, was the woman who’d run from him. Who’d thought he wasn’t man enough to deal with her past, when she’d been so caring about his.

  He hung his head, nursing his arm against his chest, and ordered himself to stop crying.

  He couldn’t lose her. Not now. If she didn’t want him, if he didn’t mean to her what she did to him, then fine. But he was not going to lose another person he loved, however long they might have together. He wasn’t going to live with any regrets this time. If her cancer had returned, if she was that sick, then he was going to suck up his memories and his pain and deal with it. He was going to be there for her.

  Now all he had to do was find her and tell her that.

  Ryan got out of the car, slammed the door shut and wiped at his face. His hand and arm still hurt but he didn’t care. He stood, fists clenched, trying to figure out what to do.

  He didn’t care if she’d had cancer. He didn’t care how angry he was, or how much he wanted to shake her and tell her how stupid she’d been. He no longer even cared that she’d lied to him. He realized she had thought it was the right thing to do, just like he’d thought staying away from home so long was the right thing to do.

  He would do anything for Jessica, and even if it meant facing his biggest fear, he would be there. This was his chance to prove himself to her once and for all.

  He had two options. Find Bella. Or turn up at her brother’s place.

  Bella was the easier option, and probably the more logical one, but if confronting her brother was what he had to do, then he’d turn up on his doorstep and not leave until he had an answer. He didn’t care what it took. What he had to do. Even if her brother gave him a black eye for upsetting her and making her run.

  Ryan was going to find her and tell her how he felt.

  Whatever the consequences.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Dear Ryan,

  Everything is fine here. Nothing really to report. Your letters are always so much more interesting than mine! I’m just busy with my painting and life in general, sorry I can’t entertain you with anything more exciting.

  Not long now until you’re home, right? You must be so looking forward to stepping off that plane.

  Jessica

  JESSICA KNEW WHY she was feeling guilty. She knew why she had had to run, because she was scared of feeling like she had once before.

  In love. With no power over her future.

  Scared.

  She couldn’t deal with feeling like that, not now. Her focus had to be on healing herself, on protecting herself. And that’s why she’d had to spend the night at her brother’s place. She didn’t have the strength to deal with being back here at the hospital and facing Ryan, too.

  It was like she was only half the woman she’d been. The cancer had done that to her. Stripped away her hopes and dreams for the future and made her question her every move. It had taken away the part of her that made her feel like a woman. And she just didn’t want to put another human being through what she’d seen her family go through.

  Yes, Ryan had made her realize that her cosmetic concerns were unfounded, but the reality of him dealing with her past, with her cancer, meant she’d had no choice other than to leave him.

  To see the look in another person’s eyes that said they thought they were going to lose her was more than she could deal with. And to cry herself to sleep with another person in her mind who she couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing again—that was what she was truly frightened of.

  If the cancer came back.

  Every day she lived with that. The worry that slowly ate at her brain and her thoughts like a termite gnawing on wood. She was a cancer survivor, she’d beaten the odds once, but there was always the chance that it could come back.

  Since Ryan had stepped into her life in all his physical glory, she’d almost forgotten, almost felt normal for the first time in what seemed like forever. But then reality had come crashing down.

  Her family would be heartbroken if she’d relapsed. No, they were already heartbroken that she’d gone through what she had. It would shatter their entire beings piece by piece if it had come back.

  Jessica walked faster, moving as quickly as she could—as if doing so would make her heart heal. Or her mind forget the man she’d just walked out on last night. But the reality that confronted her was a sterile waiting room, and the smell of hospital that she’d grown to hate.

  She should have brought someone with her. Bella. Her brother. Anyone. No matter how strong she tried to be, there was nothing worse than being alone.

  Ryan felt like his head had been in a car crash. It was pounding, throbbing with a pain all of its own. He should have stopped to get a sling for his arm, too, but instead he’d swallowed a couple of pain relief pills he had in the car from the physio, and he was driving like a madman.

  Bella had been a pain in the backside last night, refusing to tell him where he could find Jessica, but when he’d turned up at Steven’s place this morning and told him the truth about how he felt, her brother had told him everything.

  He was almost at the hospital.

  Ryan had gotten over the fact that she’d written him a letter instead of telling him to his face. He’d gotten over the fact that she hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him, to really let him in. He knew why she’d done it. He’d told her himself that he never wanted to see a loved one battle cancer, that he was scared of being truly heartbroken again, not knowing how much his words would have pierced her to the core. The last thing he wanted was to deal with her being sick, with anyone close facing something like cancer, but he certainly wasn’t going to turn his back on Jessica. It wasn’t her fault she’d been ill.

  Once upon a time he’d thought he couldn’t be strong enough to be there for someone again like he’d had to be there for his wife, but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t pull himself together for Jessica. Given the choice, he’d help her battle anything if it truly meant a future with her. Even just the chance at a future.

  Maybe she was right not to have told him before. Maybe he would have run if he’d known about her cancer that first day he’d come back. To be honest, he probably would have avoided getting close to her at all, even via letters, had he known about her illness.

  But this was Jessica. The woman he had now grown to love through letters and in person, who meant so much to him, that he couldn’t be without her for however long they had together.

  He pumped the accelerator a little harder, increasing his speed. If she told him to leave, he would. But he wasn’t giving up without a fight. Without at least proving to her that he deserved a chance to be with her. To love her.

  Jessica walked down the corridor. They wanted to keep her for a few hours, do some tests, and she needed to retrieve some things from the car. She knew how long these things could take, and she wanted to grab her book and sketch paper to draw on.

  Heavy footsteps echoed out behind her but she didn’t bother to turn. The hospital was full of noise, and even though she hated the place she felt safe here. So long as she didn’t see too many cancer patients being pushed through the wards.

  “Jessica!”

  She stopped. Her feet actually stopped moving at the command, even though she didn’t want them to. She squeezed her eyes shut for a nanosecond then started walking faster.

  Ryan. She would know that voice anywhere and it was not one she wanted to hear. Not now. Maybe if she didn’t turn around he’d figure it wasn’t her. How had he found her anyway?

  “Jessica!”

  His voice was deep, strong, even more commanding this time.

  She kept moving, head down. She wasn’t going to let he
rself turn. Couldn’t deal with him right now.

  “Stop! Just stop.”

  The footfalls were right behind her. Running away wasn’t an option. She had to stop. She forced her feet to a halt. Her shoulders heaved.

  Why now? She didn’t have the strength to deal with Ryan. Couldn’t face him and see the hurt she knew she’d find there. The betrayal she knew he must be feeling. Why had he come?

  “Jessica, look at me.”

  His voice was still commanding, but it was starting to crack.

  “Look at me.”

  It was a whisper this time, barely audible. She still didn’t move, not until his hand curled around her forearm and made her turn.

  She could feel his big body behind her, so close all she wanted to do was lean back into him, to seek comfort from him.

  But she couldn’t. Not now. Not after what she’d done to him. If she’d just been honest from the beginning, instead of enjoying the fact that she could correspond with a friend who never asked her how she was coping, never reminded her of what she’d been through, she never would have had to face this kind of pain right now.

  If she hadn’t kept writing to him and pretending everything was normal, when she was actually in hospital and recovering…

  Ryan’s fingers traced up her arm, across her shoulder and cupped her chin to make her turn properly. He gently tilted her face to look up at his.

  Jessica opened her eyes, let him see her as the damaged, emotional mess she had become.

  “Jessica, I love you.”

  His words almost made her crumple to the ground. No. He couldn’t love her. Not after what she’d done, the way she’d deceived him, what she’d told him in her letter. He was saying it because he felt sorry for her, because he felt he had to care for her after what she’d been through.