As the Ash Fell

by AJ Powers

  “Just a few minutes before he came in, I was ready to take my own life, subsequently ending the life of my daughter. But when Denny tried to force me to take that pill, I no longer wanted to die. I was no longer making decisions that just affected me but affected my daughter, too. Despite how much my mom loved me, decisions she made had driven me to the brink of insanity, and I knew that I would love my child more than that.

  “When I first resisted taking the pill, he tried to convince me it was just going to help me feel better. At first, he was calm, reassuring that everything would be okay, but the more I resisted, the less patience he had. Finally, he was able to get the pill in my mouth. I managed to break free from his grip and spit the pill in his face—he didn’t like that. The sound was so loud I don’t know if the ringing in my ear had been from the slap or the sound itself.”

  Kelsey began to weep again, attempting to finish the story but couldn’t spit out a coherent sentence. She slid off the bed and dropped to her knees, burying herself into Clay’s chest. Clay wrapped his arms around her and held her close.

  “He grabbed my neck and began to choke me. That’s when I slid my hand under the pillow and grabbed the knife.”

  Kelsey sat and took a deep breath in. She slowly exhaled through pursed lips before continuing. “I stuck the knife straight into his stomach. His grip on my neck loosened right away. He tried to take the knife from me, so I stabbed him again. I was able to kick him off the bed, and he hit the ground hard. I remember hearing him moaning in agony as I jumped off the bed and ran to the door.

  “My mom shrieked in horror when she saw me come out, blood all over me. I am not sure if she was shocked with the sight of her daughter covered in someone else’s blood, or that I had just potentially taken away her meal ticket.

  “I remember vividly each and every face that watched me, soaked in Denny’s blood, as I ran down the hall, through the living room, and out the front door. I heard screams and cries from inside the house as I jumped off the front porch, heading into the frigid evening. Nobody came after me. Not even my mom.”

  Kelsey sighed deeply as if a huge burden had been lifted from her. Clay was shocked: not with what she did; but rather that somebody did that to her. That someone put her in that situation, giving her no alternative but to fight back. She fought to save her life, to save her daughter’s life, and Clay would never fault her for that.

  “Kelsey, you did what you had to do to protect yourself and Dakota. You did nothing wrong.”

  She shook her head. “Maybe, but what he did to me… he tainted me!”

  “That’s not your fault.”

  “Maybe not, but it changed who I was. Clay, after that day, I was dead inside. Dakota was the only thing that kept me going. My desire to protect her, to provide for her, and give her a life that I had lost took priority over everything else. Denny forced himself on me, but since I left, I have willingly walked a similar path to ensure Dakota’s well-being.”

  Clay gazed at her but didn’t know how to respond. She could see sadness and anger in his eyes—an anger that wasn’t directed towards her but at Denny. She had dumped a lot on him, and it was all still sinking in.

  “And that is why you and I can’t be together, Clay. I am no good for you. You deserve a girl who can give you all of herself, not just the shattered ruins.

  Clay was silent.

  “I have wanted to tell you about this ever since we met. I see how you look at me, Clay, and I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel more alive than I have felt in years, but I just can’t let myself be with someone who would treat me better than I deserve. I can’t; I won’t.” Her eyes were heavy and bloodshot. Her shoulders dropped. “I’m really tired,” she said as she lay down. “Can I rest?”

  “Of course,” Clay replied.

  He watched as she turned her back to him and faced the wall. He covered himself with a sheet and laid down on the cold, hard floor. Neither fell asleep right away. Kelsey thought about Clay’s response. It wasn’t quite what she had been expecting, and it certainly didn’t make her feel any better. If anything, she felt worse.

  Chapter 15

  He saw her sitting on the floor of a child’s bedroom filled with toys. The room, furniture, and toys were all charred black, as if they had been run through an incinerator. Kelsey was wearing a bright yellow dress, like something a princess in a fairytale would wear. She had her knees to her chest and was crying, rocking herself. He tried to talk to her, but he couldn’t. She looked at him and whispered, “Please stop. Don’t hurt me.”

  Clay tried to tell her he wasn’t going to hurt her, but his voice could not find his lips. He walked closer to her, and she scooted across the floor. Ash and dust stirred around her. By the time she reached the corner, her dress was as black as death itself.

  “Please, don’t,” she cried. “Stop it!” she shrieked.

  He crouched down in front of her and leaned towards her. She reached for a roller skate that was lying on the floor nearby, but it crumbled in her hand. Without saying a word, Clay watched in horror as he grabbed her by the throat. “No!” he heard himself shout inside his head, but still said nothing. Kelsey’s hand slid up the wall as she struggled and gasped for air. Her hand began smashing the wall, and fragmented pieces started dropping to the floor. Clay watched as she continued to hit the wall not realizing that she had drawn a knife and had thrust it into his stomach with all the strength she had left.

  He fell backwards and hit the ground with an intense impact. Kelsey stared lifelessly at him, her hand still clinching the knife. “Kelsey!” Clay finally shouted with a clear, audible cry, but it was too late.

  The boundaries of his vision pulsated with a creeping darkness, with every contraction of his heart, so too did his vision fade. Then darkness.

  He awoke suddenly. His body was trembling, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the awful visions in his head or the freezing cold room. He quickly rose to his feet and ran up the stairs, flung open the door, and found his way to the corner of the garage and vomited.

  His shaking intensified from the heaving; he leaned against the rotting two-by-four framing of the garage as he tried to pull himself together.

  “Clay?” Kelsey said, her head sticking out just above the floor. “Are you okay?”

  He turned to look at her, concern covered her face. “Yeah, I’m okay. Guess I just ate something bad yesterday,” he said with a weak smile. “I’ll be back down in a minute. We should probably get ready to head out, anyway.”

  Kelsey returned to the room. In her absence, Clay attempted to spit the awful taste of the bile out of his mouth and force the horrible dream out of his memory. He couldn’t remember having a dream as surreal or emotional as the one he just experienced. He wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was he watching things from Denny’s perspective? Or was Clay the one killing her? The whole thing had played some terrible games with his mind. At that moment, he hated Denny with an unrivaled passion. Clay hoped that Kelsey did kill Denny that night. But part of him hoped she hadn’t so that, perhaps, Clay would be able to pay the sick and twisted man a little visit someday.

  Clay was weak and still hadn’t moved; he heard Kelsey climbing back up the stairs.

  “Here,” she said and handed him a canteen.

  He took a swig, swished it around in his mouth, and then spit it onto the floor. He took some smaller sips and swallowed it, followed by some larger gulps. “Thank you.”

  Kelsey looked at his ghostly white face and knew it wasn’t just bad food. His eyes looked at her as if they were screaming in torment. Not even realizing it, she leaned in and wrapped her arms around him. His body was shuddering fiercely, and his breathing was hurried. She rested her head on his shoulder and rubbed his back with her hand. Clay hugged her back. Neither spoke.

  They both went back downstairs and packed up their things. Clay’s color returned to normal, but he was still awkwardly quiet. She wanted to ask him what that episode was all about but did
n’t want him to relive whatever had him so distressed. Besides, she had a pretty good idea what was plaguing him.

  Clay walked to the stairs, still without a word.

  “Hey,” Kelsey said to him gently. Clay stopped halfway up the stairs and turned to her. “Really, are you okay?” she asked.

  Right then, like the rage of a tornado dissipating into the sky, the anger in his eyes faded, and his body relaxed some. He grabbed her hand and gave a gentle squeeze, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

  “Okay,” she responded with her sweet smile.

  Clay stepped into the garage and then helped Kelsey up. “Thank you,” she said to him, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb.

  The door on the side of the garage wouldn’t open; the heavy rain quickly froze as the temperatures dropped. It took three good shoulder rams from Clay to open it. Even though the light of the sun seldom punched through the constant haze, the dusting of snow and ice on the ground made the world a lot brighter. Clay was kicking himself for forgetting his sunglasses.

  As the day wore on, Clay’s thoughts slowly shifted from the darkness that had intruded on his sleep. His mood improved with each mile, and Kelsey could tell.

  As they approached the firehouse, Clay stepped on a slick surface and took a tumble down a slight incline. As soon as Kelsey knew he wasn’t hurt, she laughed hysterically and mocked how he tried to catch his balance before falling. She eventually walked over to help him up and also slipped. It was Clay’s turn to laugh, but instead, they laughed together as they both lay on the frigid ground, enjoying a much needed, light-hearted moment after such a cold, dark night.

  After they gathered their composure, they decided to eat lunch before parting ways. Clay told her about Geoff’s offer and how tempting it was. “So what’s holding you back?” she asked.

  He gave her a quick glance before he looked down at the ground, “Nothing, I suppose,” he lied. She heard his unspoken answer.

  They finished eating and double-checked to make sure they both had all of their new things. They walked outside and stood in front of the decaying fire station.

  “So, I guess this is goodbye for the next five or six months,” she said with an exaggerated frown, sticking her lower lip out.

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  Clay was discouraged with the thought of her absence from his life for nearly half a year, even if they were only going to be just friends. It had already crossed his mind to try and travel to see her during the winter months. There are a few days each season when it creeps into the mid-30s, and if there isn’t much snow on the ground, it’s actually not too bad to travel in. He was hoping for multiple days like that this winter.

  “Well,” she said as she stood on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. “Be safe this winter.” She turned to walk away.

  “It doesn’t change anything,” Clay spoke up sheepishly.

  Kelsey stopped abruptly. She turned around and looked at him baffled. “What doesn’t?”

  “What you told me last night. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. If anything, I love you more.”

  Kelsey put her hands over her mouth. “Clay,” she said walking back to him, “I can’t even begin to tell you how hard it is for me to hear you say that. It’s not because I don’t want to love you back, but it’s because I can’t let myself.”

  “Kelsey, please just—”

  “No, Clay.” She cut him off. “There’s someone better for you out there. I wish I were her” her eyes got watery, “but I’m not.”

  She put her hand on his face and stroked his cheek with her thumb. She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it and smiled. “Goodbye Clay.” And with that, she turned and walked away.

  A trip that should have taken Clay an hour and a half took almost three. His pace was slow; his mind occupied. He was fortunate not to run into anyone along the way. He probably wouldn’t have noticed them even if they had walked right up and greeted him.

  After two knocks, the door opened up.

  “Hey Maya,” Clay said, expecting to see Tyler. “You taking over Tyler’s post?”

  “Tyler’s sick,” she said. “His tummy hurts.”

  Clay had forgotten. “Well, I know Megan will make him all better. She’s good at making owies disappear, huh?”

  Maya held up her arm and pointed to a bandage on her elbow. “Yep, she is the bestest!” she said with a smile.

  Clay closed the door and walked down to his room to drop off his gear before heading to the kitchen. His eyes widened, and he gasped. “What happened?” he asked, his voice stricken with panic and confusion.

  Megan was emptying the freezer chest. Several towels were on the floor, soaked with blood and juices. She looked over at him, “Clay, we have a big problem!”

  “What happened?” Clay practically screamed.

  Megan had two piles of foods. She began putting one of the piles back into the freezer. Clay concluded the other half would be getting pitched. The pile going back in was frighteningly smaller than the other.

  “I walked in to fix breakfast, and there was this awful stench,” she said motioning around the room. “I looked around and saw the giant puddle under the freezer.”

  He walked over and helped her load the remaining food back into the freezer. It was mostly venison and vegetables. One of the rabbits he had bagged a few weeks back with Charlie had also managed to stay frozen at the bottom of the pile, as did about five pounds of the hog. There was around 20 pounds of meat left in addition to whatever was in the freezer above the fridge. Even if Megan got very creative, that wouldn’t last a month into winter.

  Clay sighed heavily and shook his head. The unthinkable had happened. He was kicking himself for not being more diligent. Usually he would pop the freezer open every two or three days just to make sure that everything looked right. Not just to make sure it was still frozen but also to check for freezer burn. However, in the past month, he had gotten lazy about it. Never having any issues with it in the past, it was one of those trivial tasks that had become easily overlooked and forgotten. Ironic how it might just cost them everything.

  “Did it break?” he asked.

  Megan shook her head, “Unplugged.”

  “What? How?”

  “A few days ago, I had a really bad migraine and had to lie down. Lona volunteered to run things, which she did very well. Unfortunately, she doesn’t keep quite as close of an eye on Bethany as I do.”

  Clay could see where this was going and knew there wasn’t really going to be anyone to blame. Megan was ill; Lona tried her best; and Bethany was a curious toddler.

  “Listen, Clay, you cannot mention this to Lona. It would crush her.”

  Clay agreed and added, “We shouldn’t mention this to anyone right now. Let’s get this food into a trash bag, and I’ll bury it. Then, first thing in the morning, I’ll head to Watson’s and see what I can come up with.”

  “I hope you can work something out. Clay,” she said with a tremble in her voice, “I’m really scared this time. The last time we went into a winter with this little food…” her voice trailed off, and she began to cry.

  She buried her face into Clay’s chest, and he gave her a reassuring hug, “It’s going to be okay. I’ll take care of it. I promise.”

  Megan was comforted by his promise and quickly pulled herself together before any of the kids saw her and began worrying too. Megan was always calm and collected. Most of the kids only saw her cry when the group lost someone.

  “I need to go get lunch started. It should be ready in about 30 minutes.”

  Clay nodded, but he wasn’t hungry. All he wanted to do was go to bed, but he first had to take the trash bag downstairs and bury it at least a mile away. Then he needed to get some things together to trade with Watson. He knew he would need to up the ante to get food so close to winter.

  Clay skipped lunch in lieu of sleep. He was physically and emotionally drained and slept through the afternoon and all through the night,
only waking for about an hour to eat some leftovers from dinner. He woke up around 7:30, got ready and left, only saying bye to Megan because he happened to pass her in the hall. Every minute counted, especially this time of year. Since he had a feeling he wasn’t going to be walking back with a hundred pounds of meat, he assumed Watson’s wasn’t going to be his last trip before winter settled in.

  He arrived at Watson’s and made a beeline for the shop. It still hadn’t even reached 40 degrees, and it was half past noon—not a good sign. Even though he very much wanted to see her, Clay decided not to go looking for Kelsey. He needed to deal with Watson, and then head out.

  “Well, howdy there, Clay,” Watson said from behind the counter. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here again until spring.”

  “I wasn’t expecting to come, but I’m in a bit of a jam.”

  “Well, what can I do for ya?”

  “How much meat do you have for trade?” Clay asked in desperation. He was not optimistic from Watson’s expression.

  “Well, to be honest with you Clay, I don’t really have any for trade. Usually I wrap up that kind of bartering at the beginning of September and begin preppin’ for winter.”

  Clay explained what happened, and as heartbreaking as the story was, it had little impact on Watson’s stance.

  “Please, Jake, I really need your help on this one.”

  There was a look of hopelessness in Clay’s eyes that matched his voice. Watson begrudgingly conceded, “All right, son, but you better have some good trades.”

  Clay pulled out the last container of coffee they had. Watson’s eyes got big, nearly as big as the first time Clay brought coffee.

  “As much as I love coffee, I lived without it for years before, and will eventually have to live without it again. I’ll give you five pounds for it, and that is more than that coffee is worth right now. What else do you have?”

  Clay threw an oblong shaped pack onto the counter and unzipped it. He pulled out a Ruger 10/22 Takedown and assembled it for Watson.