Toxic: Logan's Story

by K. A. Robinson

  I felt like a dirty bastard when I saw the relief fill her eyes. She’d been worried about whether or not I was okay with this, and I’d lied right to her face. I wasn’t okay, and I wasn’t sure I would ever be okay.

  I released her, and Adam quickly took my spot. After giving him a quick hug, she and Drake walked hand in hand toward where the preacher was standing. The rest of us lined up behind them as Amber and Eric stepped forward.

  “Chloe and Drake, are you ready to begin?” the preacher asked.

  “I am,” Drake said.

  Chloe nodded.

  “Good. Let’s begin.” The preacher looked around at everyone. “This is where I would normally welcome you all and ask Chloe and Drake to repeat after me, but I was informed that this is going to be the most casual wedding ever planned.”

  There were several chuckles from our group.

  “Anyway, I’ll let Drake and Chloe say what they need to say. Drake, care to go first?” the preacher asked.

  “Sure.” Drake turned to Chloe. “Chloe, there’s not much left to say since I’ve already said it all to you. Someone like you comes around once in a lifetime, and I’m lucky to have found you. From the moment I saw you when you sat down next to me in class, I knew you were mine. I’ve never wanted or cared about another person the way I do with you. Neither of us is perfect, but you come pretty damn close. No matter how long I live, I’ll never be able to tell you that I love you enough times. Life will throw shit at us because it always does, but we’ll make it through. There is nothing in this world that could tear me away from you. I love you.”

  She opened her mouth to speak, but he stopped her.

  “Oh, and I think I was supposed to say, I do.”

  The preacher smiled. “Not yet. Chloe needs to make her speech first.”

  “My bad. Go ahead and tell everyone how much you like me, Chloe.”

  Chloe laughed. “I’ll try.” She took a deep breath. “You were an asshole when we met. I wasn’t sure if I liked you or hated you. From the first time you looked at me, you threw my entire world into chaos. Once I really got to know you, I realized you weren’t an asshole at all. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever met. No matter how bad things got, you never gave up on us even though I did. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you, but I’m grateful for every day I’ve spent with you and for every day that I will spend with you. I will never give up on us. I will never hurt you. We’re in this until the end. I love you, Drake Allen.”

  My heart stopped. I saw the pure love in both of their eyes. Jesus. My mind screamed at me to look away, but I couldn’t. Instead, my eyes focused on Drake. How the fuck did I miss it before?

  He’d admitted to being in love with her the night that my relationship with her had fallen apart, but I’d assumed that he didn’t mean it after everything he had put her through. But now, I could see that he was looking at Chloe like she was everything to him. She was his whole world. Up until this moment, I’d thought that Chloe cared more about Drake than he cared about her. I knew that was a lie. I could see just how much he loved her. It was like she was air, and he was starving for oxygen.

  I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to process what was happening inside of me. She was his.

  His.

  He would take care of her. I didn’t have to anymore. I was in physical pain as I realized that she really wasn’t mine.

  “Does anyone have a reason these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?” the preacher asked. When no one spoke up, he continued, “All right then. Will Amber and Eric please bring up the rings?”

  I watched in shock as Eric gave a ring to Drake, and Amber handed Chloe one. Then, both of them walked back to where they were standing.

  “Drake, do you take Chloe to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

  “I do,” he said proudly.

  “Please place the ring on her finger.”

  He reached for Chloe’s hand and slid the ring onto her finger. Tears formed in her eyes as she stared down at it.

  “Chloe, do you take Drake to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

  “I do,” she whispered.

  “Please place the ring on his finger.”

  I still couldn’t move as I watched her place the ring on his finger. This was it. The end. The last six years no longer mattered. She wasn’t mine, and she never had been.

  “By the power vested in me by the state of West Virginia, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

  I let her go.

  The words were barely out of the preacher’s mouth before Drake had Chloe in his arms, kissing her like he was starving. I heard everyone cheering and shouting around me, but I couldn’t make my voice work. My mind was too busy with trying to process what had just happened. My life had been altered completely in the last ten minutes, and I wasn’t sure where the hell to go now.

  “I fucking love you, Chloe Allen,” Drake said after he pulled away at last.

  Allen. She wasn’t my Chloe Richards anymore. She was his.

  “I fucking love you, too, Drake Allen.”

  The preacher laughed. “I’d like to introduce Mr. and Mrs. Drake Allen.”

  Holding each other’s hands tightly, Drake and Chloe turned to face everyone as man and wife for the first time. This was only the beginning of their new life, but it was the end of mine.

  I started to leave as soon as Chloe and Drake’s car disappeared down the narrow road. Everyone else was standing around, talking about how happy they were for Chloe and Drake, but I couldn’t handle it right now. I couldn’t fake my happiness and pretend that the whole fucking world wasn’t crashing down around me.

  I barely managed to get a quick good-bye out to everyone before heading for my car.

  Amber chased after me. “Logan, wait! Logan!”

  I ignored her as I opened the door and got in my car.

  “Logan, talk to me. Please.”

  “My head is so fucked-up right now, Amber. Just let me go. I need to be alone.” I started my car.

  “No, the last thing you need right now is to be alone. We’re all going to Gold’s for a little while. Come with us.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t. I’m going back to the house.”

  “Please, Logan, come with us, or all I’ll do is worry about you. Come on, it’ll be fun.”

  I snapped. Something in me just lost it, and poor Amber got the shit end of the deal. “Yeah, it’ll be real fucking fun to sit around and talk about how happy we all are that Chloe and Drake found their happily ever after. It’ll be real fucking fun to sit there and pretend like I’m happy while I’m drowning on the inside. Fuck off, Amber!” By the time I finished, I was shouting.

  The others were close enough that they had heard every word I just screamed into Amber’s face. No one spoke a word as they all stared at me in shock. Amber looked devastated, but I didn’t apologize. I couldn’t. I couldn’t even speak anymore. I slammed my door shut and tore out of the clearing like my ass was on fire.

  I didn’t slow down until I pulled into my driveway. As soon as I cut the engine, I all but ran to the house. I unlocked the front door and went straight to my room. Once I made it there, I stopped in the middle of it and just stood there. My chest was heaving as I fought to control the emotions raging inside me. Hurt, anger, betrayal—they all made an appearance. Finally, rage won out.

  I walked to my nightstand and picked up a picture of Chloe and me. It had been taken only a few months after we met. We both looked so young and innocent in it. With more force than I’d realized I was capable of, I threw it against the far wall. The glass shattered and fell to the floor. I didn’t stop there though. I grabbed other photos of Chloe and me off the walls and flung them, too. They were pictures of moments in our lives that were important to me—the two of us in freshman English, at lunch, sitting together in a movie theater, curled up on Amber’s couch, prom, graduation night when we spent the entire night out together, the day we moved into our dorms,
the day she finally agreed to be mine. All of them were just reminders that everything I’d dreamed about was a lie.

  My bedside lamp went next, and it left a hole in the drywall. Goodbye, deposit.

  When I ran out of things to throw, I sank down to the floor of my bedroom and held my head in my hands. I pulled them away, and I was shocked when I noticed that they were wet. Jesus Christ, I’m crying. I was a grown fucking man, and I was crying over a relationship that had ended over a year ago. I wasn’t sure how much more of a fuck-up I could possibly be.

  I jumped when a hand touched my back. I looked up to see Jade standing behind me. Shame filled me as I looked around the room. I’d destroyed everything that I associated with Chloe, and now, I was crying.

  “You shouldn’t be here,” I spit out.

  “Logan—”

  “Don’t, Jade. I don’t want your pity. Just go.”

  She walked around me and crouched down until we were eye-to-eye. “I’m not leaving you.”

  “I don’t want you here!” I shouted at her. I didn’t mean to be so cruel, but I couldn’t handle seeing her look at me like that.

  “I really don’t give a fuck what you want, Logan. I’m not leaving,” she shot back, not at all bothered by my rudeness.

  “What do you want from me?” I asked, defeated.

  “I don’t want anything. I’m just…here. You can talk to me or pretend like I don’t exist. It doesn’t really matter to me.”

  “Why do you even care? I fucked up royally with you.”

  “You did, and I was pissed at you for a really long time, but I know you’re not the person you were that night. You’re a good soul, Logan. You’re just hurting.”

  “You’re wrong. I am that guy. I’m an asshole. I’m not the same guy you met when I was with Chloe. I’m bitter and angry and fucking self-destructive.”

  She shrugged. “I am, too, sometimes, especially when I think about my past. But you know what? I don’t care. It’s part of who I am. Sometimes, it makes me weak, but sometimes, the hate and anger I feel makes me stronger.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so I didn’t say anything at all. Neither did she. Instead, we sat together on the floor in silence. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her again until the tears dried on my face. I vowed then and there that I would never cry again over Chloe. What had been done was done, and it was time that I finally moved on with my life. Chloe had obviously found happiness, and it was time that I did, too.

  “You know what sucks the most?” I finally asked.

  She looked over at me. “What?”

  “I didn’t realize until today that Drake really does love her. I always knew he cared, but I thought that he would eventually get bored and move on. I never realized just how much he loved her.”

  She gave me a sad smile. “He’s been in love with her since they met. It took him a while to figure that out, but once he did, he was done. I’ve never seen him act the way he did when they were apart. It was horrible, Logan. Between the drugs and losing her, I was terrified that he was going to kill himself. Every night, I would pray that he’d be okay and still be with us in the morning. After he got clean, all he talked about was finding her. He was a man possessed. I’ve never seen him like that in my life. When she took him back, it was like he became a totally different person. He smiles and laughs all the time now. I know you’re scared that he’ll hurt her, but I want you to know that he never will. He cares way too much about her to screw up and lose her again.”

  “I really hope you’re right. No matter how much it hurts me to know they’re together, I just want her to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted…even if it means I’m broken.”

  Jade flung herself at me suddenly. Caught off guard, I fell back against the floor with her on top of me. She shocked me when her lips found mine, and she kissed me with such fierceness that I was paralyzed. Finally, my brain seemed to wake up, and I kissed her back. Her tongue slipped inside my mouth to caress mine. We were nothing more than a tangle of limbs as her hands found my hair, and I grabbed her hips to pull her body closer to mine. Out of my control, my dick swelled as her heat pressed against me.

  I was jolted back to reality as a moan escaped her. I explored her mouth with mine one last time before pushing her away. She fell back onto the floor beside me, breathing heavily.

  “I think it’s my turn to ask, what the fuck are you doing?” I finally managed to pant out.

  She stared at me. Her eyes were glazed over with lust and something else I couldn’t identify.

  “You don’t deserve the pain you’re feeling. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve always put others first. You’ve never asked anyone for anything, and I’m tired of seeing you be miserable. You deserve to be happy even if it’s only for a few minutes.”

  I stared at her with my mouth hanging open. I was torn between pulling her body back on top of mine and laughing at her. While my head was still confused about what the fuck had just happened, my body had a crystal-clear picture of her and me together—naked and sweating while we took out our frustrations on each other.

  “Stop looking at me like that, Logan, or I won’t stop once I start again,” she said after several minutes of silence.

  I gave her a weak grin. “I thought you didn’t want to be my rebound.”

  “Whether you realize it or not, I wouldn’t be.” She leaned in and pressed a gentle kiss against my lips. “You know, I hated Chloe for a while.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

  “Because she had you, but all she did was chase after Drake. It wasn’t fair to the rest of us.”

  “Huh?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Are you really going to make me break it down for you? I was jealous of her because she had you. That first night we all hung out together, I couldn’t stop staring at you after you walked into the bar with her. I was hoping that you weren’t her boyfriend because I’d never seen a man more beautiful than you.” She paused to grin at me. “I was wrong, of course. You look even better now than you did then. Your hair looks better shaggy, like how you keep it now, but it was your eyes that drew me in. They’re the prettiest blue I’ve ever seen, and they’re so open. Anyone could see every emotion you feel if they look close enough into your eyes.”

  “You were interested in me?” I asked incredulously. “You are around Eric, Adam, and Drake twenty-four/seven. But you noticed me? The boring guy?”

  “You’re anything but boring. And those guys are like my brothers. I’d never look at them like that.”

  “I don’t even know what to say here,” I mumbled, trying to process the fact that someone like Jade had noticed me.

  Sure, I’d noticed how beautiful Jade was, but I never thought we would have any kind of relationship. I’d been too stuck on Chloe to even entertain that kind of thought.

  “I knew that your relationship with Chloe would eventually end, so I waited. I never thought things would go down the way they did though. I knew you would never even think about having a relationship with me, so I got close to you the only way I could. I became your friend. Then, things got awkward, and I wasn’t sure how to fix it, so I stayed away. That night at Chloe’s aunt’s house, I was so confused because I knew you still loved her. I didn’t want to be the girl you passed your time with while you waited for her. I wanted to be the girl you thought about all the time, the one you couldn’t wait to see. So, I did what I do best. I ran from you.”

  “You had every right to get pissed and run from me. I was a total jackass to you,” I told her honestly.

  She shrugged. “I knew you weren’t in a good place.”

  “Why are you telling me all of this now, Jade?”

  “Because I want you to know that you’re not alone. I know you’ve always been fixated on Chloe, but you have other options out there. I’m not asking for anything from you. I know you’re not ready for that. Just know that when you are, I’m here, okay?”

  I nodded. “Thank you for no
t pushing me. I’ve been in a really fucked-up place for a long time now. I need to get my head screwed on right and figure out where I want to go from here.”

  “I know you do. Take as long as you need.” She paused for a second. “Do you remember me telling you about my sister?”

  “Yeah,” I said, wondering where this conversation was going.

  “Once we finish this tour, I plan on finding her. We have all U.S. dates right now, and the tour will be six months long. If it does well, the label wants to send us overseas for another six months. The way our sales have been building, I think it’s a good possibility that the tour will end up lasting for a year. We’ll write new music on the road, but they’ll let us take a few months off between the tour and when we start recording again. I want to take that time to find my sister and get to know her again. I want you to come with me.”

  “Me? Seriously? Why the hell would you want me to tag along?”

  “Because I don’t want to do it on my own, and I think you need some time away from everyone.”

  I shook my head. “I have school. I can’t just up and leave it all for a few months.”

  “We’ll be back right after the spring semester ends next year. The two of us can go and come back before school starts in the fall.”

  “Let me think about this, okay?” I asked.

  It was a lot to take in. First, I had to process finding out that Jade had been harboring feelings for me all this time. Then, I had to think about her asking me to go with her to where she had grown up, where all of her bad memories were.

  “You have a year to think about it.” She smiled at me.

  Unable to stop myself, I leaned over and kissed her again. Her lips parted easily, and I didn’t hold back. The kiss was short but hot, and I tried to memorize the taste of her. When I pulled away, she rested her head on my chest and took my hand in hers.

  “You’re going to be okay, Logan. I know you will.”

  I stared down at her. I hoped she was right.

  Jade spent the night with me, and we slept on the floor. When I woke up the next morning, my back screamed at me for being such an idiot and not moving us to my bed, but I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. We spent an hour cleaning up the disaster that was my room. Afterward, I gave her some of Amber’s clothes, so she could shower and change before she met up with the guys.