Toxic: Logan's Story

by K. A. Robinson

  “You look different,” I finally said.

  “You do, too. Well, kinda. You still look like hard-ass Jade, but you’re more grown-up.”

  “You’re all grown-up, too. I can’t believe it. I’ve missed you so much, Beth. I wanted to come back so many times, but I was afraid that David and our mom wouldn’t let me see you. I planned to come back as soon as you turned eighteen, but then we signed with the label and went on tour. This is the first chance I’ve had. I’m so sorry that it took me this long,” I said in a rush.

  She snorted, and her eyes burned with anger. Besides shock, it was the first emotion she’d shown since she saw me. “Yeah, I’m sure it was hard to find time for me while you were off playing rock star. Do you know how horrible it was for me to have one of my friends tell me they saw you on TV? My own sister, and I didn’t even know. I spent so many years worried about you, praying that you weren’t dead! All that time, you were off playing your fucking drums and having the time of your life while I was here, all alone!”

  Logan cleared his throat, and I glanced over at him.

  “I’m going for a walk. Call me when you’re ready,” he said.

  I nodded, and then he turned and walked back across the yard. Once he was out of sight, I turned back to my sister. She was staring at the spot where Logan had been standing earlier.

  “Who’s he? I know he’s not from your band. I’ve watched your videos online, and he was never in them.”

  “He’s my…he’s Logan,” I answered lamely.

  “I thought for sure you’d be with that Drake guy. Lead singers were always your thing.”

  I shook my head in disgust. “Drake? Not a chance. He’s family.”

  She sneered. “Family means nothing to you.”

  I frowned. “I wanted to call a million times, Beth, but I knew they’d never let me talk to you. What I did to you is the only thing I’ve ever regretted. I’ve hated myself for leaving you behind when I left.”

  “You mean, when you ran away!”

  “I had to! You have no idea what he was like toward me! It was horrible.”

  “You’re right. I had no idea what you went through until after you left. Then, I got to live it.”

  I stopped breathing. No. He wouldn’t. Bethaney had been David’s pride and joy. “What are you talking about?”

  “When his favorite punching bag left, he found a new one. You left me alone with him. What did you think would happen?”

  “No,” I whispered. “He wouldn’t do that to you. You were his.”

  She laughed, but it was humorless. “It didn’t matter to him. Dad had anger issues, and he had no outlet after you left. He left me alone for a few months, but then I became the new Jade.”

  “I’m so sorry, Beth. I never would have left if I knew he’d start hurting you.”

  “Too little, too late, Jade. It doesn’t matter now anyway. What’s done is done, and there isn’t a damn thing either of us can do about it. Besides, I moved in with Lily a year after you ran off.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “He let you?”

  She looked sad for the first time. “He wasn’t in any shape to take care of me.”

  “Huh? Why not?”

  She stared up at me, sadness filling her brown eyes. “He was too busy mourning Mom. She’s dead, Jade. She had a heart attack. She’s been gone for five fucking years, and you didn’t even know!”

  My heart stopped. My lungs refused to suck in air. I stared at my sister as I tried to process what she had told me. Mom is dead. A cry erupted from my chest. My lungs were working again, but all I could manage to do was scream. This couldn’t be happening. No! My mother couldn’t be dead. She couldn’t have been dead for five years without me knowing.

  I heard footsteps running to me, and then Logan was there. He picked me up and pulled me into his arms.

  “What did you do to her?” he shouted at Bethaney.

  “I told her the truth. Our mother is dead, and she had no fucking clue.”

  I felt Logan’s arms tense around me.

  He cursed under his breath as he pulled me tighter against him. “Jade, calm down. Come on, it’s going to be okay. Calm down.”

  I couldn’t calm down, not entirely. My body shuddered as I continued to cry in his arms. Up until this moment, I’d thought I hated my mom. She’d idly sat by while David punished me over and over again, both mentally and physically. She’d never said a word, never tried to stop him.

  But damn it, she was my mother. How could I not feel pain over losing her?

  “How did I not know? Why didn’t someone contact me?” I finally managed to get out.

  “You disappeared, Jade. We looked for you for a long time after you left, but we came up with nothing. It was like you had vanished into thin air. How were we supposed to tell you what had happened when we couldn’t even find you?”

  “I want to see her,” I said once my tears slowed.

  Logan looked like he was about to argue, but I shook my head.

  “I want to see her!”

  All three of us winced at the shrillness in my voice.

  Logan kissed my forehead before looking over at Bethaney. “Where is she buried?”

  “The cemetery a few miles from here.” She hesitated for a second. “I’ll show you where. I don’t think Jade could tell you where the front door is at this point.”

  He nodded as he stood up, still cradling me in his arms. He carried me to his car and sat me gently inside. Bethaney had disappeared inside the house, but she came back out and walked to the car. Once she and Logan were inside the car with me, she started giving him directions. Besides that, no one spoke.

  Logan kept my hand in his as he drove. I felt comforted by the touch. Logan was strong. He was good. He would take care of me.

  Why is the sun still shining so brightly? That was my first thought when we pulled through the cemetery gates. I felt like I’d lost a piece of myself, and it didn’t seem right that the sun kept shining.

  “Park over there,” Bethaney said from the backseat.

  Logan steered the car off the road and put it in park. After he turned the key to shut it off, we all sat motionless. The silence seemed to push against me. It was too much. The car suddenly felt too small. I shoved the door open and all but fell out. My knees hit the gravel, and I barely noticed when I heard my jeans rip on the jagged edges of the rocks.

  Logan was out of the car and by my side in an instant. He crouched down beside me without saying anything and lifted me until I was standing. I turned my attention to Bethaney as she climbed out of the car.

  “Where?”

  She pointed toward a few graves in the back. “There.”

  I walked to where she’d pointed. I was surprised when my steps didn’t falter. Instead, I kept a solid pace until I reached my mother’s headstone. I stared down at it. Up until this moment, I’d hoped that Bethaney was simply playing a horrible joke on me. The words on the stone let me know just how serious she was.

  Elizabeth Dawn Walters

  Beloved Mother and Wife

  1970-2008

  I wiped my eyes as I stared down at the words engraved in the stone. She was really gone. For some reason, I didn’t feel the overwhelming sadness I had felt when Bethaney told me. I was still hurting and definitely still in shock, but it wasn’t all-consuming. Maybe I’d lost it before because it was such a surprise. Regardless of the reason, all I felt while staring at my mother’s final resting place was a hollow ache in the pit of my stomach. This was the end of the road between the two of us. There would be no reunion, no peace.

  I shook my head. This isn’t right. She should have to answer to me for what she did.

  “You got lucky,” I said between clenched teeth. I was suddenly angry with my mother for leaving before I had a chance to say what I wanted to her. “Death was an escape from what you did. I hope you died regretting what you let him do to Bethaney and me.”

  I heard Bethaney’s sharp intake of breath. �
��Jade!”

  I ignored her. I didn’t care if she was upset with me. “You just stood there and watched him hit me! And I’m sure that you did the same with Bethaney! What kind of mother does that?”

  Logan wrapped his arms around my shoulders, but he said nothing. I leaned into him, letting him give me strength.

  “I came here to confront you. I came here to show you and David that I made it. I escaped my childhood, and I became the woman I always wanted to be. I am successful. I am determined. I am strong. You were the weak one, the one who wouldn’t even stand up for her own children. And you know what? You and David didn’t win! You didn’t strip me of myself. Instead, you were the reason I pushed myself so hard. I wanted to show you that I am better than what I left behind. So, here I am, Mom. I. Beat. You.” I took a deep breath to control the rage building inside me. “You are my past. I am my future. The band is my future. Logan is my future. I will never look back.”

  I pulled away from Logan and walked back to the car. I didn’t bother to look behind me. I’d said what I came all this way to say. As I climbed back into the car, I realized it hadn’t brought me the peace I thought it would. Instead, I still felt hollow inside. I wished David were in front of me right now. I wanted to kick and hit him until the emptiness inside of me disappeared. I wanted him to know what it was like to suffer.

  The driver’s side door opened, and Logan sat down next to me. “Are you okay?”

  “Fine,” I muttered.

  Bethaney climbed into the backseat. “Are you happy now?” she asked angrily.

  “No, I’m not. I won’t be happy until I find David.”

  “You’re nuts, Jade! I can’t believe you said those things to our dead mother. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  “You want a list?”

  She frowned at me. “You’re not the same Jade that you used to be. You’re angry, and you’re bitter. What happened to you?”

  “Trust me, I was worse than this before I left. I just hid it better.”

  We glared at each other as Logan started the car. He pulled back onto the blacktop.

  When we finally reached the main road, he glanced back in the rearview mirror at Bethaney. “Do you want me to drop you off at your friend’s house?”

  “Yeah,” she muttered.

  I turned to look at her again, but she refused to return my gaze. Instead, she stared out the window. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I watched her. Nothing was going like I’d planned. Once we dropped Bethaney off at Lily’s, I knew Bethaney would never speak to me again.

  “Bethaney—”

  “Don’t. You don’t get to sound remorseful after that shit.”

  “I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate me…I didn’t come all this way just to walk away from you again. You’re all I have left. I don’t want to lose you, too.”

  “What do you want me to say? The things you said back there were wrong. Mom is dead, Jade. How could you say those things to her?”

  “It was the truth, Beth. We both know it. They screwed us up so badly. The way we grew up…it wasn’t right. Just because she’s gone doesn’t make what she did right.”

  “I know that,” she said quietly.

  “Look, we’re both upset right now. Why don’t we take a breather and try this reunion thing again? I swear, I’ll do better tomorrow.”

  Her lips quirked up into a grin, but she hid it quickly. “I’m really mad at you.”

  “I know, and I want to make it right. Please let me try. Give me another chance before you decide to hate me.”

  Logan pulled up in front of Lily’s house, and Bethaney reached for the door.

  As she swung it open, she turned back to me. “Pick me up tomorrow at noon.”

  I smiled for the first time in what felt like years. “I will.”

  She stepped out of the car and slammed the door behind her, letting me know that she was still pissed. I watched her walk up to the house until she disappeared inside. Logan pulled away from the curb and headed back toward our hotel.

  “That was fun,” he said as he glanced over at me.

  I gave him a sheepish grin. Logan had just seen the worst of me. He’d seen the monster that was always lurking just below the surface.

  “I’m sorry. I lost it back there. I meant the things I said though. My mother was a coward for not standing up for my sister and me.”

  He frowned. “Hey, you don’t have to explain anything to me. I watched Chloe’s mother abuse her for years. I know what she went through. You both suffered so much, and no one did a thing to stop it. You have every right to feel angry. You’re the victim, Jade, not your mom and certainly not David.”

  Even hearing his name sent waves of anger coursing through my body. “I want to go back to his house.”

  “Jade—”

  “No, I want to see him. I’m already fired up, so now is a good time to have it out with him.”

  “I think you’ve been through enough today. You have all summer to confront him. Let’s just go back to the hotel and chill, okay?”

  I shook my head. “Take me to the house, or I’ll get there myself.”

  He sighed. “If you’re sure…”

  “I am.”

  “What if he’s not there?” Logan asked.

  “Then, I’ll wait until he comes home.”

  “What are you going to do when you see him?”

  “I’m going to tell him what a no good piece of shit he is for hurting Beth after I left. I can handle the fact that he hit me. What I can’t handle is knowing that she suffered at his hands. She’s his daughter, for God’s sake!”

  “Don’t do anything stupid, okay? I don’t have enough money to bail you out.”

  I laughed. “I’ll try my hardest.”

  He frowned. “I’m serious. Don’t do something you’ll regret.”

  I ignored him as we pulled into David’s driveway again. This time, a car was parked out front. I smiled as I opened my door.

  “Stay out here. I want to do this on my own,” I said.

  “I don’t think you should be alone with him.”

  “Please, Logan, let me do this on my own. If I’m not out in fifteen, you can come inside.”

  He hesitated before finally nodding. “Fifteen minutes, and then I’m coming in after you.”

  I leaned over the console and kissed him. I felt his lips turn up into a smile as he cupped my face and pulled me closer.

  “If you kiss me again, I’ll drop it to ten minutes. Hurry up,” he teased after we had pulled away from each other.

  I gave him a grin before I stepped out of the car. As soon as I started walking toward the house, my smile faded, and I felt the anger from earlier return. I stopped and stared at the front door. The man behind this door was my physical embodiment of evil, of hopelessness. He was my own personal hell.

  Before I could change my mind, I pounded my fist against the door several times. I stepped back and waited. Finally, the door opened, and there he stood in all of his asshole glory.

  I felt like a bucket of cold water had been dumped on me as I looked at the man who had taken everything from me. He’d taken my childhood, my mother’s love, my pride, my dignity, my self-worth…everything. The only things he’d ever given me were anger and hatred. He’d twisted me until those emotions were all I could focus on. When I’d left this house so many years ago, I’d been filled with so much hate. I’d hated myself and my life so much that I ran away from it all. If it hadn’t been for Eric, Adam, and Drake, I would have been consumed by it. This man would have destroyed me.

  He looks so much older, I thought as we stared at each other, and so much weaker.

  “Jade,” he said after a moment of hesitation.

  “David.” My voice held barely controlled rage. I wasn’t calm or collected like I’d wanted to be. No, seeing him brought out the monster inside of me, and she was begging to be let loose.

  “What do you want?” His voice held absolutely no emotion at all. He
used the same tone that he would use to speak to a stranger.

  “Aren’t you going to invite me in?” I asked sarcastically.

  He stepped out of the way and gestured for me to enter. I walked past him, careful to never turn my back to him. I didn’t trust him. He closed the door behind me. I waited until he turned to face me to do what I’d wanted to do for years. I drew back and punched him as hard as I could. He stumbled back as blood started to trickle from his nose. It looked like years of pounding the shit out of my drums had come with another perk. I could hit as hard as some men.

  Instead of feeling better after hitting him, I only felt angrier. Before I could even think about what I was doing, I hit him again. He hadn’t even tried to block me. Years of pent-up anger and frustration were unleashed on him as I hit, clawed, and kicked every inch of his body that I could reach. Finally, I brought my knee up and hit him in the groin. He dropped to his knees and cupped himself as he moaned in agony. I felt a sick sense of satisfaction as I watched him suffer.

  I stared at him, taking in all the damage I’d inflicted upon him. Blood was running from his nose and his lips. His left eye was already starting to bruise. I couldn’t help but feel pride over that. I’d hit him that fucking hard.

  “How does that feel?” I finally asked.

  “Keep going, Jade. Don’t stop until you feel better,” he said as he looked up at me. Again, there was no emotion in his voice at all.

  He was acting like I hadn’t just kicked the living shit out of him. I knew he had to be hurting, but his voice had given no indication that he was.

  “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I shouted.

  He wasn’t supposed to just lie there and take it. He was supposed to fight back. He was supposed to tell me how worthless I was. He was supposed to give me fuel so that I could light him on fire. I wanted him to tell me how pathetic I was, so I could shove the last six years of my life in his face.

  “Why aren’t you fighting back, you fucking asshole?” I asked when he hadn’t answered my first question.

  He looked up at me, and I gasped in shock when I saw tears filling his eyes.

  “I have nothing left to fight for.”

  I dropped down to my knees, so we were eye level. Tears leaked from his eyes and ran down his cheeks as he met my gaze. This wasn’t the man who had abused me for years. No, the man in front of me was broken. Even his body was slowly wasting away. His hair was now completely gray, and his skin was hanging off of his frail frame. But his eyes did me in. There was nothing in them besides pain. The anger I’d grown up with was nowhere to be found. I felt my own anger drain from my body. There was nothing here to be angry at. There was nothing here, period. This man, whoever he was now, was an empty shell. Nothing I’d wanted to do to him would give me satisfaction. The fucker had taken my revenge from me.