by Martha Long
I lowered me head as the picture started te leave me. Tha was the last Friday we had Mammy, I didn’t know how happy we was, I was only happy normal, like it was the weekend an I had no school an we were goin te get our favourite dinner. Then next day we could go inta town an head down Moore Street te get the messages fer the Sunday dinner an the food fer the week. When we had tha done, Mammy would take us inta Woolworth’s café, then, fer a plate a chips an eggs. After tha we would drag the shoppin home, wit Ceily givin out te me tha I wasn’t holdin my side a the shoppin bag up, tha I was only draggin outa her! Mammy would get fed up listenin te us when we really started te roar. Then she would say, ‘Would the pair a youse ever stop tha fightin, or tomorrow youse won’t set foot outside the house. I’ll take meself off for the day an enjoy it without you! Then you may kiss goodbye to your tea in Caffolla’s. Now! Did you hear an get tha good an proper?’ she would say, noddin her head. ‘So let tha be the end to it!’
We would go quiet then, because we knew she meant it. She only says somethin when she means te do it.
Then the bad thought hit me – I remember again she’s not here, she’s gone! I went like jelly, I collapsed back against the wall lettin meself slide down on me arse hittin the ground wit the weight of it. I stretched out me legs without thinkin, then felt the cold wet soppin inta me, it’s now makin me arse an legs go all freezin cold. Gawd, me coat an frock will be all dirty an destroyed, an now when Mammy does get back she’s goin te kill me!
No, she won’t, she’s in her coffin! a thought whispered in me head.
‘But I don’t care about tha because tha’s not true!’ I muttered, stabbin me eyes at the ground.
But then wha happened te her? Where did she go? I want te cry me heart out, because the Monday came an I went off te school not knowin. Did I say, ‘Goodbye, Mammy’? Did I look at her? Wha was she doin when I was openin the front door? Did I get a look at her? Why did I not run te her an wrap me arms around her? Oh, if only I could sit beside her now an stroke her soft wavy hair.
She didn’t like her hair at all, she would often say tha when she was combin it, gettin herself ready fer work, or when she was goin somewhere. ‘Oh would you look at the cut of me?! The hair is nearly gone from me head it’s tha thin, an Jesus! Would ye look at the grey?! Oh dear God, wha happened to the years? Where did my life go to?’ she would whisper, shakin her head slowly inta the mirror, then turn away sighin. ‘I don’t know. I wonder if I should have done somethin different.’ Then she would shake her head again, lookin like she regretted wha she did, because she was after doin somethin wrong.
But I loved her hair because it was my mammy’s, an I loved strokin her face an slidin me fingers inta the wrinkles around her skin an under her chin, she liked tha she did. She would close her eyes lettin her head drop back, sayin, ‘Oh that’s very nice. You have lovely soft hands, Lily love, God bless them.’
‘Yeah, Mammy, I’m goin te be a hairdresser when I grow up!’
‘Indeed you will, an a great one at tha,’ she would tell me. Then I would twirl me fingers around her wavy hair gettin curls an playin wit it, tryin te make her a new hairstyle.
But wha she loved best was when I would stroke her face pullin up the skin hangin round her neck, then she would start te nod off te sleep mutterin. ‘I’m gettin old before me time,’ she would laugh, flickin her eyes open te look up at me sittin on her lap.
‘How old are you, Mammy?’ I asked her when me own birthday came, because she never got one.
‘Thirty years older than you, chicken, today. We have our birthdays on the same day,’ she laughed.
I had now got te be seven, an she was … Was tha much? I shook me head thinkin about it, no! Because Granny Kelly has a lot more wrinkles an her hair is snow-white wit the grey. So they’re all liars! Mammies can’t die when they still have childre! No she’s only gone somewhere, somethin’s goin on but they won’t tell me!
* * *
‘Wha you doin there? Are ye not gettin in?’
I looked up te see Sooty starin down at me like I had two heads.
I stared back sayin nothin.
‘Are you cryin?’ he said, lookin shocked.
‘No,’ I muttered, wipin me eyes then feelin the wet.
‘You are so! Ye’re cryin!’
‘I AM NOT, YOU!’ I roared, ragin because he caught me an I didn’t even know I was.
‘You are! Ye’re a cry babby, girls are always cryin,’ he snorted, lookin at me like he gor a bad smell.
‘Mind yer own business!’ I roared, not feelin in a humour te fight him.
‘You’re cryin because yer ma’s dead!’ he laughed, hoppin from one foot te the other, delighted he had somethin te torment me wit.
‘YE’RE A LIAR!’ I screamed, leppin te me feet.
‘She is!’ he said, leanin inta me wit his chin stuck out.
I grabbed a hold a his hair an swung fer all I was worth. I wanted te mill him te mash! ‘Ye’re a dirty, filthy, smelly, shitey liar!’ I said, yankin the hair wit every word, pullin the head offa him.
‘Lemme go! I’ll flatten ye te meat,’ he screamed, stampin his foot on me wellie an diggin his head inta me belly. He tore me around an I danced me feet gettin me balance an swingin him back the other way. Then I heard someone screamin wit the cryin, an let go hearin it was meself.
I stared at him fer a minute wit me mouth open not gettin a breath, then it came lettin a terrible roar a cryin outa me.
He stared back rubbin his head lookin at lumps a hair pulled out, sayin, ‘You’re a savage, Lily Carney.’ He said it in a squeaky voice because he got hoarse from screamin.
I turned an ran te the corner, then dropped me head in me arms an cried me heart out wit me elbows restin in the corner a the wall. ‘MAMMYEEEE! I want me mammy te come back!’
I couldn’t help meself, I’ll never stop cryin, I’m lost all by meself! Me shoulders leapt up an down wit the cryin an me belly hurt.
‘I’ll never be able te laugh or be happy again without you, Mammy,’ I told her, hearin me voice choke out the words because they kept catchin on me breath.
Suddenly I heard her, me mouth stayed open an I lifted me head starin inta the dark te listen.
Lily love, her voice breathed beside me – it’s comin in me head, but outside me as well an all around me!
Don’t be cryin, I’m not far away. I’m right here beside you, so stop bein afraid.
‘Mammy! Where are you?’ I whispered, turnin me head around tryin te see, but it was gotten very dark wit only the street lamps shinin down the lane.
I hear her! But where is she? I listened hearin the wind moan an held me breath waitin. But now all around me stayed empty. I couldn’t see inta the dark corners – only shadows wit papers blowin in the wind. I closed me eyes an held me breath hard, tightenin me chest so I could hear.
Lily! I heard her breathe.
Me heart leapt an I wanted te scream wit the cry. ‘Mammy!’
Shush, chicken, be a good girl listen! Mammy won’t ever be far away, no harm will come to you, I won’t let it! Now be easy, there’s my grand girl.
I waited fer her to appear, te talk again, but nothin happened, yet somethin had changed, the air felt empty like she was gone. It was as if I had been somewhere else, not here, not in the dark lane wit the cold an the wind an the empty air. I stood very still, tryin te work out was it good or bad. Mammy was gone an I was here in the dark. But I was right, she’s not gone far away, she just talked to me.
6
‘COME ON! I’LL help ye!’
I heard a whisper feelin a hand on me shoulder. I lifted me head givin a big sniff seein Sooty wasn’t wantin te fight me any more. We stared at each other fer a few minutes sayin nothin, then he clamped his lips together like he just had a good idea.
‘You stand against the wall an put yer hands out an I’ll shinny up an see wha’s happenin. How about tha?’ he said happily, hoppin around again wantin te get movin.
‘OK!’ I
said thinkin tha was a great idea, then I could get back in an see Ceily!
‘Stand back against the wall an bend yer knees.’
I did.
‘No, not like tha! Stand straight, ye’re only kneelin!’
I stood up straight waitin.
‘OK. Put out yer hands an bend yer knees.’
I did, then me arse sank an I ended on the ground.
‘Ah you’re an eegit, girls are no good fer nothin!’ he roared, turnin his head an walkin away.
I stood meself back up wonderin wha I was doin wrong.
‘This is the last time,’ he snorted, marchin over an pushin me against the wall.
I put me hands out hopin he would get goin. I wanted te see my Ceily. ‘Will ye get me up when ye’re over?’ I said, just as he leapt his foot onta me hands then the other, holdin tight te me shoulders.
Me knees collapsed just as he leapt onta me shoulders, an the pair of us went down givin me a kick in the back a the neck, he went head first sailin straight fer the ground.
‘Ye dirty stupid-lookin eegit!’ he roared, still tumblin as I lay flat seein stars an me ears ringin. ‘I’m goin home! I gor enough a you,’ he keened, soundin like he was cryin as he shoved his hands down an lifted himself up, rubbin his head.
Suddenly we heard shouts an people runnin, we looked up the lane seein gangs a fellas laughin an pushin, lookin like they were makin a getaway, runnin from somethin. Then we heard an unmerciful long piercin sound, it nearly took the ears offa me head, it was comin from my house, an it sounded like a police whistle.
‘Animal gang!’ Sooty shouted, lookin up wit his neck stretched leanin over te see better wit him hangin on one foot. ‘Them’s terrible trouble, hide, Lily! They beat you up!’
Wit tha we heard bells ringin as an ambulance flew past the lane like it was millin its way fer my house.
Then all of hell came as the side door to my house started bangin, people got pushed against it an voices roared an more screamed as a terrible fight broke out.
‘I’M KNIFED! Help me, someone!’
‘Watch out fer the knuckledusters! DUCK!’
‘Don’t let them head caps near!’
‘I’M CUT! Ah sweet Jesus! Razor blades hidden sewn inta the hats – they’re hidden inside the peaks a the caps!’
‘MURDER! PEOPLE ARE GETTIN KILT!’ a woman’s voice screamed wit it tearin out of her heart like someone was cuttin it.
Me own heart hammered in me chest an I felt meself shake an suddenly goin icy-cold as I looked from the house wit tha happenin, then back up the lane seein some a the animal gang. They were now come to a stop an lookin down, wantin te know wha was goin on here. Then we heard more noise as a big black van flew past, it was tearin along screamin on two wheels wit policemen hangin outa the sides swingin off the runnin boards.
‘THE BLACK MARIA! They’re bringin mobs a police!’ shouted Sooty, gettin all excited wit his head jerked in tha direction. ‘They only let tha out when there’s a riot! It’s te get the coppers here all at the same time, then it gets te carry away all the rowdy fightin people. Wha they do is, pack all the baddies in tha an get them te the cop shop quick an handy in a hurry, tha’s without havin te pick them up by the feet an drag them all the way there. Because ye see, they need tha when there’s too many rowdies,’ he said explainin, lookin satisfied wit tha idea, then noddin back at me.
I stared at him, not knowin any more wha te think or do. Wha way te run wit nowhere te hide. We were backed inta the lane wit no way out. I could see Sooty was frightened outa his life too, his voice was shakin like mad an he was shiverin, but he was still tryin te make everythin come all right, by talkin about the policemen comin te help us.
So I nodded too, wantin te be like him an stand me ground. So I stood starin not wantin anythin else in my mind an just wondered about tha. ‘Then how do the police get back themself, Sooty?’
‘Walk! Like they always do, or they give them the big High Nellies fer long journeys,’ he said, knowin everythin.
‘Oh yeah, because they only have the one motor car,’ I said, happy now because I worked tha one out.
Then we spun our heads seein somethin happenin at the door.
‘Get back! Get outa the way!’ a man’s voice shouted, then the door was gettin open an people pushin before it was even wide enough.
I stared wit me mouth open then screamed as me body jerked te life. ‘CEILY! CEILY! WHERE ARE YOU? COME AN GET ME!’
Sooty shoved me outa the way jammin me up against the wall as people tumbled out, they was pushin an shovin steppin on people tha was hurt an lyin on the ground covered in blood. Them tha could were runnin an staggerin te get out, wit all a them wantin te escape.
‘BLUEBOTTLES! SCATTER!’ a load a rowdy fellas I never saw before shouted, laughin as they squeezed makin their way out the back door not carin who they hurt or knocked.
‘Stay still. Teddy boys wit the animal gang after them!’ Sooty whispered, movin me back into a dark corner not wantin us te be seen.
They fell down then pushed themself onta their feet, standin on people who got knocked over, then took off laughin, chargin up the lane wavin bicycle chains an crowbars.
I stood hidin meself behind Sooty, I was shiverin wit fright watchin them animal gangs.
‘Everyone says they’re very dangerous because they fight wit chains an meat hooks an anythin tha comes te hand, nobody is safe around them, no one is!’ Sooty muttered, starin after them wit his eyes narrowed not likin the look a them.
The screams got worse an people went mad gettin tangled an stepped on inside the door. Then we looked up seein faces an hands appear on the wall, then climb over an lep for the ground.
‘Mammy!’ I screamed as a fella started te jump over me head just as Sooty yanked me by the neck an landed me standin in the other corner, but not outa harm’s way. More an more were jumpin now, an some were staggerin inta me.
I grabbed hold buryin me head in Sooty’s back. ‘Save me!’ I screamed, startin te shake like mad an me teeth knock wit the fright.
‘Go easy!’ he keened, losin his balance an staggerin then hoppin back onta his foot.
I looked at him, watchin his eyes te see wha we should do. He was busy rockin backwards an forwards seein wha way te run.
‘We’re goin te be kilt, we’re goin te be dead, stone dead,’ I keened, singin it in a song.
‘Where’s me da? He’ll save us,’ Sooty moaned, just as men turned an fought their way back down the lane wit the police chargin them lashin out wit baton sticks, then gettin sent back as men came at them wavin hatchets an knockin them down.
I turned an buried me head in the corner hidin behind me hands, then knelt down an covered me ears wit me head buried in me lap. ‘Mammy, come an get me, save me, Mammy! Don’t be gone.’ I rocked, implorin me mammy te come fer me.
‘She’s here! Save us, Mister Mullins!’
Without warnin I was yanked te me feet wit Sooty draggin me. ‘Lookit! We’re here!’ he shouted, grabbin hold a Mister Mullins starin at us wit his eyes lookin mad an his head drippin wit blood, then he whipped it around te check wha’s happenin on all sides a him.
‘Jesus Christ heaven on earth protect us,’ he moaned. ‘You, Neddy! Quick, son,’ he said, grabbin hold a Sooty an throwin him onta his shoulders. ‘Here, you’ll be safer behind that wall, bang on the back door, they can see ye coming from their window. Tell them to open this back door an whip this child in!’ he said, pointin at me but not takin his eyes offa Sooty. ‘Up ye get, bend yer knees an don’t jump, slide down. Go on you can do it!’ he said, landin Sooty on the wall watchin him whip his legs around then slide down the other side.
‘Hurry!’ he shouted, hearin Sooty give a painin moan sayin he stepped on a rusty tin can. Then he put his hand coverin the side a his mouth, shoutin, ‘Ceily! Help Delia, she’s gone under! For fuck sake! Jesus help us!’ he said, wantin te move but then lookin down at me hangin on te his coat wrappin meself inside the end of it.
<
br /> I peeped me head around wantin te find Ceily, but I can’t see nothin, the crowd is too thick.
The fightin got worse, an now the police was beatin everyone back as more an more a them turned up te scatter the crowd. They came runnin from all directions meetin at the top a the lane, an some even flew in on their High Nellies. They leapt off an dropped them against back doors an some were left where they fell, then they were on their feet runnin, chargin wit their baton sticks raised blowin their whistles. Down the lane they came, lines an lines a them, now marchin shoulder te shoulder as they got closer, leavin no room te escape. Then the police drew their batons tearin right inta the crowd and brought them down crackin skulls an grabbin hold a necks tryin te round up anyone an everyone. People who were hurt, young fellas tha were childre, old women an bad men, they were all the same, they were all bein cornered an rounded up.
Bricks started flyin an milk bottles hit the wall an smashed te smithereens beside us. I went mad an disappeared inside the back a Mister Mullins’ coat, I’m just not wantin te see any more wha’s goin te happen te us.
‘Bastards! Bastards the lot of ye’s,’ spat Mister Mullins, pullin me around te bury me beside him inside the heavy overcoat. Then Sooty’s voice shouted from behind us.
‘Are you there?’ said Mister Mullins, rushin te lean his ear against the door.
‘She won’t open the door, Mister Mullins! Missus Finnegan says it’s too dangerous!’
‘Mister Mullins! Are ye there? This is me, Annie. Listen te me! Put Lily over the wall, we’ll catch her!’ Annie Finnegan, the grown-up daughter, shouted.
Wit tha I was whipped inta his arms an went swingin fer the wall. Me breath caught.
‘Come on! Up you get,’ he said, sendin me neck first an pushin me arse heavin me onta the wall, then peelin me hands offa it as he swung me legs around leavin me danglin wit him grippin hold a me hands.