by Martha Long
I put me hand out te get meself up, but now I’m stuck, me legs is seized up like two iron bars, I want te cry wit me pain, I’m sore, I’m tired, I’m hungry an I’m so terribly freezin wit the cold an the damp an the frost. Mammy hates January, she always says it’s a curse wit it bringin the dark an the terrible wet an cold. I wonder did she know wha it was really goin te do te her an all of us. Did she really meet her end? Tha’s wha the big people call death. Because it broke us all apart an then took our home.
I put me hands on the ground an pushed meself up hearin meself creak. I wonder is this wha the old people mean when they say, ‘Oh me poor bones. I’m kilt wit the painin.’
I rattled off feelin like a skeleton wit me bones knockin an creakin because I’m all very stiff an cold. An I must be gettin te be a skeleton now anyway, because I got nothin te eat since weeks. I wonder is tha goin te make me dead too. I shivered holdin in me shoulders tryin te get meself warm, an keep out the icy wind makin the hem a me frock blow back an me Delia knickers blow out like a balloon. Me head is painin an me eyes are all watery an hurtin. I’m so tired an I’m thirsty. It’s pitch black an there’s not a sign of a cat or dog, never mind catchin sight a someone out on the night.
The light from the street lamps was yella showin all the air was turned te white mist tha looked like the freezin icy cold. I stared at it wit me back hunched an me feet limpin from one foot te the other, wantin te give a hop an a skip te warm me. But I couldn’t, me body had no strength te do tha. I stared inta the cold white mist seein it turnin a pale yella an glitter like diamonds when it got close te the light from the street lamps. It looked lovely, but only if you didn’t have te see it now, walkin in the dead a night dyin wit the cold an hunger freezin te death.
I turned right an walked on past the houses not seein a light in any a the windas. Everybody’s in now home an safe, an they’re all in their beds snuggled up fer the night, I thought, lookin back at my corner an across te the tenements. Not a one person te be seen. Never in me borned days did I see the night like this, never mind be out walkin in it! I wonder wha Mammy would say if she knew? I know her forehead would crease, an her eyes would jump outa her head, an she would box me ear an slap me legs an grab me arms shakin me, roarin, ‘Lily Carney! You’re goin te be the death a me wit yer carry-on! Wha would I do if you got yerself kilt stone dead? They’d have te bury me down on top a ye, because me heart wouldn’t take the strain a losin you!’ Then she would grab hold a me an squeeze the life outa me, sayin, ‘You’re my everythin! You’re my breath, me life an my hope! But I swear te the livin Jesus! I’m goin te kill you stone dead one a these days, the way ye have my heart broke!’
Yeah I thought, shakin me head, me heart scaldin wit the pain of wantin her back, wantin te feel her arms around me an me head buried in her belly. I keened wit the pain of wantin te feel her rubbin me head an fixin me hair, then her sayin, ‘Oh Jesus, Lily Carney, ye’re a demon!’ Then she would laugh I know she would, sayin, ‘Come on! You’ve had nothin te eat, you must be starved wit the hunger. Wait until ye see wha I have, I have somethin lovely kept up for you! It’s gorgeous, a lovely mince meat stew! Me an Ceily had our share, oh it was very tasty! Get it inta you now, eat up.’
The picture was so real I could feel her beside me, touch her warm body an smell an taste the stew. I could look inta her eyes an see them smilin, an the happy look on her face at seein me home, back wit her again an she wantin te mind me! An havin somethin good te give me. She is the best mammy in the whole world. Nobody is bester than my mammy!
I started te cry but the pain was not lettin out the tears. It was hurtin too much now, it felt like they’re only wastin their time. Tears is not enough, I cried so much, too much, but it did no good. Nothin gets better, she doesn’t come back te me, an even Ceily stays silent, from wherever she is. So I keened, it matched the throbbin hurt in me heart, the sound was like measurin the pain. Out here in the icy-cold dark night I can see it all an feel it all. It is like I have nowhere else fer me mind te go but see everythin around me an in me an before me an behind me. It’s all comin at me te let me see the world is bigger an stranger than I ever knew or thought before. I’m seven, just become seven, I’m a child I know I am, yet suddenly I know I have lived for ever. It is like I know all the time ahead of me an the time long gone before me. But it is all the same, because I have lived it all.
I am old, very old, a voice whispered comin from far off, yet it was very close, so close I could hear it in my heart an in my mind an in my creakin bones. I felt strange listenin te them thoughts it was like I was someone else, yet someone I’ve always known, a very old part of meself.
Then I heard a buzzin noise of voices comin te me from up the road. I stretched me eyes, tryin te open them wider then squinted, tryin te see in the cold foggy white air. Is tha a light comin outa one a the houses up ahead a me? It might be Mister Mullins! Wha’s happenin? Oh yeah Delia, he has te keep the wake, I forgot about tha!
16
I SHIFTED MESELF inta goin faster, wantin te get there now hopin te see Ceily was back an Mister Mullins won’t be wantin te kill everyone. I could hear me bare feet slappin along the ground an the pain thumpin up through me, it was like gettin hit wit a bamboo stick. Tha’s wha the nun at school hits us wit!
I slowed down at the door seein it was left open a bit an I could hear people in the hall. It didn’t sound like there was any trouble. I pushed it in easy, not wantin te be spotted straight away, an came face te face wit a gang a aul fellas wit wrinkled faces, one aul fella’s cheeks was hangin off tha much it was drippin inta his glass a porter. He stopped guzzlin then wiped away the froth from around his mouth wit the sleeve a his coat makin it wet an more shiny against the rest a the dried, caked-in hard dirt. ‘Lovely stuff,’ he sniffed, shakin his head lookin very impressed an slappin the glass down on the chair pushed in the middle a the corner, just behind the door. They were usin tha chair, an keepin it fer themself te hold all their stuff. I could see they were not short wit their bottles a porter. They each had loads all full lined up in front a them, an loads more all empties, left standin underneath. Then they had a little saucer wit wha looked like about a teaspoonful a snuff, an one fella was chewin his gums on a ham bone, an the other was wolfin down two big cuts a loaf bread wit a lump a cheese stuck in the middle.
Then one aul fella wasn’t bothered at all about the plate a pig’s cheek still sittin in front a him. He grabbed up the bottle a porter then slopped it inta the empty glass an started pourin it down his neck.
They looked at me an nodded. ‘Night, child!’ one said.
‘Mind yerself,’ the other one said, nearly chokin tryin te manage the half loaf a bread he was shovin down his gullet.
‘Grand bit a stuff tha,’ the man drinkin said, smackin down the nearly half-empty glass back on the chair an noddin, pointin from me to it.
‘Sure wha would I care?’ I sniffed te meself, annoyed he thought I wanted te know about his drink!
I made me way through the hall seein a crowd of aul ones sittin at the other end an spreadin themself onta the stairs wit loads a grub, bottles a stout an more stuff all sittin beside them on chairs an inside up against the wall. They were all suckin an puffin on clay pipes stuffed wit tobacco, an they had more a tha left sittin in a heap on the chair next te their saucers a snuff. The smoke was blowin inta each other’s faces, but they didn’t care.
I came to a crawlin stop te take in an aul one, she had long grey hair an it was streelin down, hangin in bits a thread around her shoulders. She leaned in wit the pipe hangin outa her mouth, then gave a little cough, wit the pipe landin smack on the floor, after gettin a blast a smoke from another aul one. She was busy suckin an blowin like mad, lettin it billow inta the middle a the other aul ones, all leanin in te talk an be heard.
‘Ah oh well the curse a Jaysus!’ screamed the aul one, bendin down heavin an puffin then lettin a roar, when she picked up the two pieces tha was left of the pipe.
‘N
ever mind, Lolly! Here! Take this, I grabbed a couple when the goin was easy. Good aul Mullins didn’t stinge on the pipes!’
‘Oh the blessins a God on ye, Biddy O’Toole, may ye be rewarded in the next life,’ Lolly said, wit her eyes lightin up at the sight a the new pipe.
‘Never mind the next life, let’s enjoy this one first! Now go on. Tell us the story before we are all next te be planted.’
‘Ah Jesus, Nanny Nagle! Don’t take all night finishin wit the bloody story!’
‘Ah well fuck off then! If that’s yer attitudes, I’ll keep me own counsel!’
‘Ah no. Ah no! I was only jokin. Go on tell us!’
‘Are youse sure?’ said the story woman, lookin suspicious an hurt an ragin all at the same time.
‘Oh Jesus yes! Isn’t tha right?’
‘Oh God yes!’ they all agreed, noddin an lookin very serious an tryin te look as if they were cryin because the story woman was nearly cryin, ye could see tha, be the way she was now sniffin.
‘No word of a lie! Bent he was, stiff as a poker, so they tied him up.’
Cough splutter, went another aul one, spittin out gobs a tobacco, because she wasn’t just smokin it, she had the stuff tha ye can chew as well as her pipe.
‘Wait! Don’t interrupt!’ said an aul granny wit lumps a brown snots hangin down her nose from all the snuff she shoved up. She was tryin te listen te the next story teller. ‘Go on, Queenie! Tell us, now it better be good! Because youse all keep interruptin me when I try te tell me own story!’
‘Oh this one is good! Right!’
‘But now before ye go on, tell us. Was this “Grab yer knickers Dirty Macker” ye’re tellin about?’
‘The very one, Biddy! Wait till ye hear—’
‘ACHOO!’ The granny suddenly exploded, sendin snotty snuff, lumps a bread an bits a bacon inta people’s open mouth, then their flyin hands knocked bottles a porter, an a glass a stout got thrun in the air wit the sudden fright everyone got.
‘Ah fer the luv a Jaysus, Jinny Coalman!’ Biddy roared, clampin her mouth shut chewin her gums, then lettin the lot sit under her nose snufflin like mad.
‘Me nostrils blew! I couldn’t help meself! Sure wha do ye’s expect? This is the very good stuff. Works grand,’ the granny moaned, shakin her head slowly, lookin pained, tryin te get them te understand. Then leanin over te pinch up more snuff wit her thumb an finger, then easin it onta the knuckle of her left hand.
I watched as she stared, keepin her eye on them while she sniffed an shoved, first the left then the right nostril, heavin it all up. Everyone watched wit their own noses brown, covered in snuff an their mouth gapin open, wantin te eat the head offa her, but they were too annoyed wit watchin her doin it all over again.
I didn’t want te get hit in case someone takes a fit an starts throwin somethin, ye don’t know. So I eased meself past them, mutterin, ‘Excuse me, missus,’ then made me way inta the sittin room full te the brim wit people. They were sittin on the floor an chairs, an anywhere they could find a free spot. A load a mammies wrapped in black shawls an smokin their pipes was sittin on the floor over be the winda, they got tha corner fer themselves. I shuffled over te see wha was happenin.
‘No, no, he wasn’t dead at all, he woke up in the dead house!’ said a lovely-lookin mammy wit jet-black hair, it was fallin in waves te her shoulder, an she had huge blue eyes wit rosy-red lips. She’s very young an she only has five childre. Her eldest child is in my class at school. She was sittin wit her back te the wall an her legs stretched out covered wit a long brown skirt an a wraparound blue an white bib. But she had a big belly, because she was married an was a mammy. Tha’s how ye know a mammy a mile away. They always have a big belly or a new babby hidden inside the shawl suckin on her diddy. I’m not supposed te even think tha word, never mind say it, because people would say I’m usin shockin bad language. Or them’s terrible thoughts I’m thinkin, an then I would have te go te Confession an tell me sins te the priest.
I looked down at her bit a style, seein she had laced-up brown shoes tha looked nearly new, an you could see her legs was wearin thick brown stockins. Not many mammies get te wear them, they have te wear bare legs because stockins cost too much money.
I leaned meself against the winda an listened.
‘Sure I wouldn’t tell youse a word of a lie! May I be struck stone dead this minute, if there’s not a scrap a truth in wha I’m tellin youse,’ she said, lettin her nose narrow an her head drop back, lyin it on her shoulder. Then she lifted her eyes te the ceilin starin te the heavens.
They all took in a sharp breath, so she slowly brought her face back lettin her now sorrowful pious-lookin mother-of-all-sorrows eyes rest on everyone, one be one.
‘Oh go on, Emily, sure don’t we believe every word,’ breathed another mammy whisperin wit the fear a God on her, then lookin around te see if everyone else agreed.
‘Yeah!’ they breathed, lettin the eyes fall outa their heads an the mouths hang gaped open.
‘Sat up he did, threw back the sheet coverin him an stared around wit the eyes comin outa his head. This is all true as I’m sittin here tellin youse! Sure I was there! In the other room wit me own dead babby! I had her on me lap cradlin her an fixin her hair. All on me own, just me an the dead in the dead house I was. Or I thought I was, till I heard the groans an looked around wonderin where it was comin from,’ Emily gasped, wit everyone startin moanin an keenin now, ready te cry. But she stopped them wit her starin eyes an a wave of her hand, then leaned her head in heavin up her breath. ‘Wasn’t I there completely desolate,’ she whispered, wit the breath comin in gasps. ‘Wit nothin an nobody in there te protect an save me but meself an me own dead babby!’
Everyone held their breath.
‘Dead she was, died only two year old, died in the hospital on me she did. A beauty if ever there was one.’
‘Yeah, tut, yeah shockin! Tha was very unfortunate!’ everyone moaned, lettin out the breath in terrible banshee keens.
‘Oh God rest the poor mite. So go on! Wha happened next? Was he dead?’
‘No indeed he was not! Anyways, as I was gettin on wit me story tellin ye’s—’
Then a mammy wit a head a roarin-red hair said, ‘Now before ye start again, just so we have it straight. Was tha “Fuck The Weather” Johnjo Dolan ye’re tellin us about?’
‘The very same!’ snapped the missus, givin the mammy full marks fer gettin tha right. ‘Anyways, one minute the body is lyin there dead as a corpse, covered by a white sheet, then the next, up he shoots wit the sheet still coverin his head. Down go the hands under the sheet flingin it outa the way—’
‘An tell us! Did you see, witness all this?’ said another mammy, lookin terribly shocked an interruptin the story.
‘Oh indeed I did! Seen the lot I did, seen everythin there was te be seen. Sure aren’t I tellin youse? I was only feet away, standin in the little part tha holds only the one stone slab. You just have te lean yer head in an ye can see the whole stretch from corner te corner, the whole a the dead house.’
‘Oh my Jesus sweet mercy tonight! An here’s you still here te tell the tale. If tha was me now, I would be dead an buried, dead an buried I would be from the outright shock of it!’ snorted a mammy clampin her mouth shut an takin in a huge breath not able te get over it.
‘There ye go now!’ said the lovely-lookin mammy, lowerin her eyes te take in her skirt an flick an invisible bit a dirt away.
‘So wha happened then?’ said the red-haired mammy.
‘Well! So ye may ask! To this day I am still not the better of it!’
‘Tha bad?’ snorted another mammy, ragin somethin like tha could happen ye.
‘Worse!’ snorted Lovely-lookin Mammy.
‘Did he attack you?’ said a mammy wit the eyes goin cross-ways because they kept turnin in the back a her head, an she couldn’t get them back proper, it was all the shock comin at hearin the terrible story.
‘Attacked was it? Wait till you hear this! He
sat up straight as a poker wit the head slowly turnin on his shoulders, lookin from one dead corpse te the other. All covered by sheets they were, an lyin stretched out cold on a stone-cold slab just like himself. Then he pulled up the sheet te get a look down at himself, then felt the cold on his back an arse. It was takin him a bit a time but slowly he was gettin there. Yes, he was in the dead house an they were gettin him ready. An it could happen any time – they will cart him off an bury him. Then his head lifted an he looked straight at me wit the eyes bulged outa his head, an I stared back wit the colour drained outa me, the strength leavin me legs an the power a speech gone from me. I wanted te scream but me mouth kept openin an closin wit nothin comin, nothin! Not a sound. Then I looked down at me dead babby, Elizabeth Emily, wit the most gorgeous mop a curly light-brown hair an the pale-blue eyes starin up at me but seein nothin now. She died wit her eyes open an nobody bothered te keep them shut. Wouldn’t waste the two coppers, may they all die roarin God forgive me,’ she blessed herself.
‘May God forgive them,’ they repeated and blessed themselves then waited, goin back te very quiet.
‘Then I looked up again, seein the corpse open his mouth an whip off the sheet, throw down the legs landin them danglin over the side, then lettin go an almighty howl outa himself. It went on fer a full five minutes, then slowly died down an stopped altogether. Then he just stared inta nothin wit the face turnin white an gettin whiter be the minute. Tha went on until he was the colour a the sheet, an ye couldn’t tell the difference. Then wha do ye think happened?’ said the mammy, lookin around at all the faces starin back at her the colour of a white sheet. She stared goin from one face to another.
‘No, tell us,’ one mammy breathed.
Then she looked to another mammy, she couldn’t get the words out, so she just slowly moved her head side te side gone inta terrible shock altogether, an mouthed the words, sayin, ‘No, tell us.’