by Martha Long
We followed Father Flitters under the arch, an came into another yard, wit a huge grey-stone buildin built all the way around. I looked up seein long narrow windas an carved stone over the tops. It looked like a castle or somethin, but I don’t know, I never sawed a real castle before.
Father Flitters made his way up grey steps an stood under a stone arch wit a heavy black door an a big iron knocker. Me head flew an me eyes took everythin in around me. It felt like I would never see the world just like this again. Everythin was so quiet I could hear Father Flitters breathin, givin little pants as his eyes shifted an his hands lifted, gettin ready te bang the huge black iron knocker. Hairy stood at the end a the steps lookin nervous, she stared up, afraid te go there, because it would take her standin too close te the priest an she would get the head eaten.
I stood dead still, me eyes lookin up at the dark sky watchin the black heavy clouds chasin across the heavens. I could smell the salt air blowin in on the wind comin from the sea just behind an around us. I could see and hear an feel it all. If I stayed quiet like this I could hear the clockin of time tickin away my life. Somehow, some way, I have a sense again of bein very old, as if I have done this all before, a very long time ago. I know things, I sense them now. This is a bad place, bad things happen here.
A sudden cry broke the silence soundin very lonely in the terrible dead quiet wit all the stillness. I cocked me head te listen, then I saw it pass over.
A big bird suddenly appeared flappin its wings an slowly makin its way across the sky. I watched it go, lookin like it was searchin, then it gave another cry like its heart was breakin, an looked around.
It must be lost, I thought, got separated from its fambily. It sounded lost an so lonely, him an me is the same. I wanted it te come down an we could be together. I felt meself reachin up te him. Come down, I said. You can take me on your back, let me fly away on your wings an I’ll be yer friend, because we two is lost now an left on our own. But this way we can be fambily an take care of each other.
Then I shook wit the fright, as the big iron knocker boomed around the courtyard makin me think the hangman is comin te get me.
The door opened slowly givin a creak an a black figure suddenly appeared standin behind it.
‘Mother Mary Augustus Martyr, I take it?’ Father Flitters said, lettin his loud voice roar around the courtyard.
‘Yes,’ a voice whispered, because I couldn’t see any part of her. Not even the hands, they were lost inside a big wide-sleeved black habit tha covered her feet. Her head was hidden under a black veil tha came down over her eyes, an the face was buried inside a white cap tha came over her eyebrows and covered the face leavin only the nose, mouth an a bit of face around it.
Me nerves went at the sight, an I wanted te turn an run fer me life screamin for help. But I knew I wouldn’t get far, they would catch me, an it would only get me kilt wit more trouble.
She stood back an said quietly, ‘Enter.’
Then Father Flitters looked te Hairy, sayin, ‘Bring the creature, Miss Wallis,’ an she grabbed hold a me shoulders an pushed me up the steps nearly smackin inta Father Flitters wit the hurry on her.
He was tryin te make his way inta the hall an bangin his stick on the shiny black wooden floorboards. I saw the nun’s head drop followin the stick then she pointed her finger, sayin, ‘Father! The stick, please, there is no need for it here, you may take your time to our parlour.’
‘What?’ he barked, lookin down at his stick then sayin, ‘Oh yes, fair enough,’ then staggered to a big dark door wit a shiny brass handle an put out his hand wantin te get in but then hesitated.
The nun’s head nodded, then she moved te open the door an let everyone in. ‘Please be seated, I won’t take long.’
I was about te follow the priest when she grabbed hold a me, sayin in a whisper, ‘Not you! Come with me!’
I was brought down grey stone steps an along a stone passage wit thick heavy whitewashed walls, then she took out a huge bunch a keys an opened a heavy door.
‘Wait here,’ she said, takin a candle left on a table in the passage an lightin it wit a box of matches left sittin beside, then led me over to a stone ledge hangin on the wall an put the candle restin on it, then said, ‘Wait here, someone will come to you in due course.’ Then she went out an locked the very heavy door wit no handle. There was nothin but a keyhole that you couldn’t even see through. Except fer the top part, tha had an iron little winda te look in from the outside.
I looked around seein the thick whitewashed walls an the worn-away heavy stones on the ground, lookin like they were put there hundreds a years ago. A little voice was sayin, Ye’re locked up an you can’t get no air. I could smell the wax from the candle an see an get the smell of the smoke curlin inta the air. Only the one corner of the room had the light, the rest was completely pitch black.
Mammy, are you here? Where are ye, Mammy? Come an mind me! I don’t feel good. I’m very afraid! I stared at the candle throwin out the only bit of light tha would stop the monsters comin this end te get me.
‘They won’t get me, I have the light,’ I whispered, twistin me hands like I was washin them, then strokin me arms holdin meself an rockin. I don’t want te be alone! I don’t want te be wit these nuns! I don’t want te be in this place. Then I started te hum it. The hummin was stoppin me from screamin.
The hours passed an no one came. ‘They buried me here, no one’s comin te get me,’ I muttered, sayin it over an over again, walkin up an creepin back, leanin down, rockin meself te the ground.
The time is movin on, makin more hours takin away the minutes. I must a got seven hours stayed here all on me own, then it was minutes got turned to another hour an it got te be eight hours. Or nine hours or a hundred! I don’t know, I only know I have te keep walkin an creepin an rubbin me skin an talkin te meself or … ‘I don’t know wha else te do. Mammy, I’m hoarse callin te you! Will you not answer me? Wha about you, God? Do you not hear me callin ye? Because I called you too I did, yes I did! But I only hear me own footsteps an me own voice cryin out me pain, then I only go quiet an listen te me own breathin, because then I know, no one is listenin. No one is goin te come.’
Ceily was right, an so was I. They sent me te prison, only there’s nobody else here in the prison but me! I must be a special case, tha I need a special prison all fer meself. Wha did I do bad? Maybe I could think about tha, an it would take me mind offa all this, wha’s happenin te me now. ‘OK, wha’s the first thing?’
But nothin came te me. Come on, Lily! You have te work it out fer yerself! I heard Ceily say, but it was only in me mind, not her voice in me head. But it made me ease.
‘Oh yeah I remembers it now. I cursed God!’
I took in a sharp breath hearin meself say tha. Then I nodded me head up an down givin a sorta smile like Mammy does when she knows she got it wrong, an things went bad. Tha’s why I’m here! Tha’s why I’m gone te hell! But I thought you had te be dead first? No! You get there anyway without ye knowin ye’re gone dead. I must be dead so, an I didn’t even know it! Right! So then why do I want te do me piss?
I wrapped me legs around each other, holdin on like mad. Oh Mammy, I’m dyin te do me piss! Wha’ll I do?
I swung me way over te the door an started bashin wit me fists. ‘Open the door! Will youse let me out? I need te go te the tilet!’
I listened wit me ear leaned in but nothin happened. No rushin feet, no nothin! Then suddenly the light flickered an blazed up, then went out, leavin me standin in pitch-black dark. Me heart bounced then kicked against me chest, an me eyes stared through the black, hopin light would come. Then me mind went mad an I screamed wit every bone an muscle inside me, shakin me body like a lump a jelly. They must a put the lid on me coffin because I can hardly breathe an I can’t see nothin no more! I want te tell them I’m not dead, because I want te do me piss! Or do ye piss when ye’re dead? Why am I able to … To wha? Eh! Oh yeah, te think if I’m gone all dead, stone dead like a corpse! Shu
rrup, shurrup, I’m not dead!
I rushed te the door bangin an hammerin, shoutin, ‘I’m alive! I’m alive! I’m not fuckin dead! Open the fuckin door an let me out, youse fuckers!’ I screamed, ragin in me heart wit the ones who did this te me.
Nothin! No sound, no nothin. The rage eased away into a pain burnin me chest, an I slid down the door lettin me nails scratch an scrape then sat where I fell. The touch of the wood against my face made me feel I have somethin te hang on to! I have the wood, the door is here wit me! Tha was put there te keep you in an keep ye out! But it’s here now keepin me locked in an … An it don’t matter, it’s still somethin te hang on to! So I stayed next to it wit me face buried an me body restin against it, then fell asleep.
25
I OPENED ME eyes feelin the pain, I was knocked te the floor an me head hurt now I was gettin torn along the ground. ‘Wake!’ a voice said, comin out of the dark.
I was heaved all along the ground more, not knowin where I was or wha’s happenin. The dark an the sudden gettin dragged, drove me te terrible fright!
‘MAMMY!’ I screamed, crawlin fast on me hands an knees, wantin te get away from whatever monster was tryin te take me.
I made it to a corner an squeezed meself in, pullin meself tight like a ball, so it couldn’t grab a hold a me. Then a light slowly came in an around the door. One after another people came in, an I watched a black figure of a nun carryin a candle makin over fer the stone shelf. She left it down, then turned an nodded at two big young ones comin in wit buckets a water, it was steamin wit the hot. They carried scrubbin brushes an washcloths wit big bars a red scrubbin soap. She nodded at them te start cleanin. Then another two appeared in behind, an she lowered her head at them, te come te me. They bent down together an lifted me inta the air, then carried me off between them, danglin me feet an holdin me under me arms. It hurt, an I couldn’t stretch me legs or straighten me back or hold me head up, I hurt everywhere. Me whole body pained me, an me head was hot an I was gone dry as a bone. Tha’s wha me mammy would say when I was hot an sick, especially after I would vomit an get me guts thrun up.
They carried me down a long passage tha looked like a tunnel, it had whitewashed walls an a heavy stone ceilin tha came down low. All along the passage was lighted candles, they were sittin up on iron holders tha got pushed down through an inta the spikes stickin up. Then we turned, an I was carried into a bath house wit stone wash troughs along one wall, an three iron baths along the other wall. It had light comin in through a small winda high up in the wall, under the low ceilin.
They let me down te stand on me feet an me knees buckled, lettin me fall te the floor. I was stiff like a board an all in painin – it was from the top of me head down te me toes. Then they bent down without a word an started te peel the clothes offa me.
‘Am I gettin a bath?’ I said, sittin on the hard stone ground lookin up at the size a the bath. I never did see nothin like tha in me whole life! It looks like a ship tha comes bringin in the bananas.
Mammy took me when I was little, me an Ceily, down te the quays te see the big ship bringin in the bananas after the war. It was because we had nothin, no fruit nor nothin else up te then, she said. She managed te get the sailors te throw us down loads a bunches. We went te grab them, but a load a scruffy childre beat us to it!
‘Ger a fuckin away from them bananas!’ my mammy screamed, rushin te grab them back an clout one young fella runnin wit black bare feet an the rags hangin offa his back. ‘You little bastards,’ she shouted. ‘I’ll blind youse fuckin all if you don’t hand them back!’ she roared, givin terrible warnins then rushin an grabbin, slappin an wallopin.
Me an Ceily was shocked listenin te all her cursin! Because she would kill us if she heard us sayin anythin like tha! But we gor our bananas an she gave the scruffy kids one each, then told them te now fuck off! She was ragin she was! Yeah! An the ship was tha big, this iron wash thing looks nearly the same size so it does!
‘Here! Young ones! I’m not gettin in tha te get meself drownded, so I’m not!’ I suddenly shouted whippin meself inta action just like me mammy an Ceily does, when they do get ragin wit ye.
They just ignored me an whipped the last a the clothes over me head, leavin me sittin in me skin. Then, before I next had a chance te complain, I was carted inta the air an plunged into a bath a stone-cold icy water.
‘Ahhhupo!’ I screamed, before losin me breath an the water got inta me mouth nostrils an ears, then stopped me heart as I went under, wit me head held down. I opened me eyes fer a second seein the bubbles from me nose an mouth, then shut them tight again, feelin me heart about te burst from the pressure an the pain. Then my head was lifted wit water tumblin down an me mouth wide open, I gasped but no air came, then I gasped again an got a mouthful te open me lungs an scream, ‘No, no don’t do this no more! I’ll be … glug … glug!’
They was plasterin me wit a soppin washcloth caked in Sunlight soap, smotherin me te death!
I tried te shake me head, but one held me wit me head lyin back, while the other smothered an scrubbed the skin offa me. Me last hour had now come an I don’t want te die! Oh God, please don’t let me be kilt! I promise, I really promise I will never curse ye again!
No never! I’m a woman of me word, I heard a voice say. It was Mammy! She’s tellin me wha te say!
I’m a child a me word, God! I promise you, make them stop an I’ll be good fer the rest a me life!
Suddenly I was let dropped an ended under the water again. Then I was grabbed an lifted wit me breath gone, an the water pourin outa me! Then I was lifted an stood down standin on me clothes makin them all wet.
‘Is it over? Am I finished?’ I squealed, lettin it out as a half-laugh wit me voice shakin an me body rattlin. Then a towel feelin like sandpaper was wrapped over me face and head, an I was rubbed an shook like mad, wit them goin at me, rubbin without mercy! Then me skin was red-raw an sore but I was now bone dry, an not even thirsty no more. Because I never want te see the sight a water again! When I get te be big I will never have te wash meself an I won’t. Because I now hate water an it should never have been invented.
Then a big pair a grey knickers was put on me, they was made from flour bags! Then a long brown frock lookin like it was made outa sacks, ones tha get thrun over the horse’s back when they is out workin, wit cartin around the coal. It’s te keep the rain off an help keep the horse warm. Now they put me in one, it’s got a hole fer me head te get through an two more fer me arms. Then a grey-wool jumper wit loads a patches from all the holes it got, tha was put over me head an was miles too big fer me, I was lookin fer me hands! Then next after tha they stood me still again an shoved another frock on me, this time it was a flour bag, like the knickers, an tha too had a hole fer me head an two more fer me arms. Then I was turned around an marched out, back down the tunnel passage again, walkin in me bare feet on the freezin-cold stone passage.
‘Wha about me own clothes? Me good Communion coat an me frock?’ I said, tryin te get them te look at me marchin one each side a me. But they didn’t even look at me, they just kept their eyes lookin somewhere ahead, like they didn’t even hear me.
Then I was taken into another room just like the first one, but this had a bag on the ground, an I could see it was stuffed wit straw. Beside it sittin on the ground was a jug made of tin, filled wit water, an a tin plate wit a chunk a white bread. Then me eye got caught be somethin sittin in the corner covered wit a lid. It was a small fat piss pot made of tin an it had a cover an a handle. It was right in the corner down be the door. Oh tha’s marvellous as Mammy would say when she got somethin handy, now I won’t have te wet me knickers an destroy me clothes.
As soon as I made fer the straw bed an the grub, the big heavy door was slammed shut behind me an I was left on me own again. I listened an waited, hopin they would change their mind an let me out. But no, I heard a bunch a keys rattlin an the door gettin locked, then I knew they was goin te leave me left here by meself.
I look
ed over at the candle burnin on the stone shelf an felt glad I had the light again, but it won’t last! I have te think wha I can do. Blow it out? I can’t get up there, anyway, I don’t have no matches te light it again. Pity! Then I lowered me head an looked down at me water an me chunk a bread. Tha’s good! They gave me somethin te eat an a jug a water. Well, it’s better than a kick up the arse me mammy always says. ‘Don’t ye, Mammy?’ I said, hopin she was near an would talk te me.
I sat down on me new bed feelin the heat from the straw, it was snugglin around me when I sunk down into it. ‘Oh nice,’ I muttered, wrigglin te get the best spot an laughin te meself. The cold wash was enough te stop the livin an bring the dead back te life me mammy would say, but still an all, I feel lovely an warm again, because I was soppin after pissin meself an now this jumper an frock has me clean again.
I shivered wit me bit a comfort an picked up the jug an poured out some of the water, not too much! Because I got te spare it, I don’t intend meself havin te go dyin fer the want of a drink again. Then I picked up me chunk a thick bread an examined it. Me face dropped when I saw some of it had turned blue. Ah fuck, they gave me mouldy bread! An it was hard! It was like a brick, I could use this te make me escape, hit them over the head wit it when they open the door, then run fer me life. Oh! An ye have te not forget to stop an grab the keys! Yeah, just like the baddies do in the fillums. Fuck! I forgot I wasn’t supposed te say tha! I promised God I would curse no more. Still, he didn’t do nothin fer me neither, he didn’t make them let me out. So, no exchange is no robbery! Tha’s wha Mammy says.
I picked at the bits a blue throwin them away, then took a little mouthful so as not te ate it all at the same time, I need te spare tha too! Because the hunger drives ye mad, an it will give me somethin te be contented about when I start te lose me mind again.
I chewed an chewed makin it last, rememberin how me an Ceily used te do tha. We would have a competition te see who could make their sweets last the longest, so we would sit an suck watchin each other’s mouths makin sure not te be the first te swallow. She always won! Because she said I was too greedy! Well I’m not now!