dissonance. (a Böhme novel)

by Sarah Buhl

  Then I was lost to him. I tried to let go of his hand so I could fall through the sensations, but he was the one that squeezed now. He would not let go of me.

  He moved up my body and kept my hand held tight as he lifted it above my head and in one swift motion, unfastened my bra.

  He growled and it made me giggle. Yeah, I giggled and yeah he growled. But I would giggle every fucking time if I got that look from him each time I did it. The intensity, laughter, and pride in his eyes when he looked at me made me feel as though I was going to climax again.

  He hovered his mouth above my nipple and looked up at me once more with those smiling eyes and a grin spread on his face. I imagine he had the same excited look when he got a new toy on his birthday as a kid.

  “I know I’m supposed to shut up, but damn it these are beautiful. I’ve wanted to do this for so long,” he said as he closed his eyes and lowered his mouth.

  I was the one who growled now.

  Two hands held tightly were painted. They were large and entwined together. The painting was simple, but intricate in its design. The writer felt these words. They were hard to face.

  What do you ask for in the middle of the night when your tears begin to fall?

  15

  Blake

  After several awesome minutes of exploring Brecken I couldn’t prolong it any further. I had to be inside her.

  I was a little nervous to be letting my loader run free. Freeloading, unhindered, inside her. I felt my cheeks burn as I contained my laugh, but let a smile form. This was an entirely new experience for me.

  Brecken lifted her hand and touched my face, giving me a questioning expression and I couldn’t resist. “Freeloading,” I said with a quiet laugh as I slowly moved to rest inside her.

  _______________

  I woke up before the alarm clock and I wasn’t sure if I had actually slept. I knew Brecken did because I watched her sleep most of the night. I held tight to her and it was the best feeling in the world to know that she trusted me. Sure she was just sleeping in my arms, but it was such a peaceful sleep. She had to trust me to be able to drift into that place.

  I kissed her shoulder as I looked out my window and watched the sun come up from behind the building across the street. From what I could see, it looked like the writer had done another new one. It was a pretty big one too.

  I didn’t want to let go of Brecken, but I wanted to see what it said, so I climbed from bed and walked to my large floor length window.

  There was a girl in a prom dress with flowers at her feet. Under the painting it said, “Did you ever believe in happily ever afters anyway?”

  “Hmm,” I scoffed as I looked at the painting and put my arm up on the window frame, then scratched myself.

  “Aren’t you worried someone might be looking up at you fondling yourself?” Brecken asked from the bed.

  I turned to give her a tilted grin as I walked back to bed.

  “If there is someone up at this hour, they are more than welcome to have a look,” I said, wrapping the blanket around us.

  “What do you want for breakfast?” she asked.

  “I thought we’d do as Marie Antoinette says and eat cake,” I said as I pulled her closer to me and pinched at her abdomen.

  She slapped my hand away, “That feels weird plus I have to go to the bathroom.”

  “Oh well, in that case,” I said as I released her from my hold. “Don’t let me keep you waiting.”

  She jumped from the bed and walked away from me and in the morning light I saw every amazing curve of her ass.

  “Damn it woman, make it fast please,” I said on a groan.

  _______________

  My phone announced a text while Brecken sat on my lap sharing cake with me. We had made it into the kitchen finally but unfortunately my phone was in the living room.

  “I’ll get it for you,” she said, hopping from my lap and leaving me to eat the rest of the cake.

  She didn’t even look at the phone and just brought it to me. That in itself made a smile form on my face. It isn’t that I had something to hide, but it got really annoying when other chicks had been nosy about whom I talked to as if I had several girlfriends on the side.

  Mason: Can I get a ride to Wynn and Hannah’s?

  “Mind if Mason goes with us to pick that stuff up at your Grandpa’s?” I asked Brecken.

  “No, of course not. I love hanging out with Mason. Is he going to the party?” she asked.

  Me: Not a problem. We have to pick something up for Brecken first, but it won’t take long.

  “Yeah, he’s going to the party. I like the kid too. My parents like having him at their house,” I said.

  “Did you ever hear his story?” she asked.

  “Yeah some of it—I guess his parents were pretty cool. It doesn’t sound like they were horrible or anything, just really conservative. He is the black sheep I guess. He still talks to them. I think it’s pretty cool of them to freely let him go when he turned eighteen. Not that they could keep him home. But they kind of just let him go to find himself. They sound kind of like new age hippy meets Christianity. That’s what he said anyway. He’s trying to find himself. But you know Mason, he said it a lot better than me,” I said.

  “Don’t Blake. You can say many things eloquently, in your own unique Blakey way, and I love it about you,” she said with a smile and rubbed her nose against mine.

  I looked at the time on my phone. “Shit, did you realize it’s already the afternoon?” I asked.

  “Of course I did. Now we need to get ready to go,” she said with a smile.

  _______________

  I tried to get into the shower with her, but she told me we needed to save that for later. We couldn’t have that many firsts in one day.

  When I walked out of the bathroom after my shower, I found her sitting on the floor wearing only her towel in front of my mirror. She was putting her make up on. I stopped and leaned against the doorframe to watch her.

  “You’re beautiful,” I said, walking toward her and taking a seat behind her. I released my towel and let my legs lay freely on either side of her. I rested my chin on her shoulder before kissing along her shoulder.

  “Thank you Blake,” she said as she lifted a hand to my cheek and looked at me in the mirror. “You’re beautiful yourself,” she said with a wink.

  I put my hand inside the top of the towel she was wearing and pulled her back against me. It was an odd hug that felt amazing as she rested between my legs. I wrapped my other arm around her and released the portion of the towel she had tucked in and let her sit in front of the mirror exposed in front of me. The towel fell from her and rested along her thighs. She kept her eyes on mine as I let my hand explore her as we both watched.

  I always focused on the chick when it came to sex. I guess it came with the knightly attitude so many seemed to say I possessed. But it always felt programmed before. I felt like I was doing the steps I needed to do, just to make the chick orgasm and to get myself one in the process. It was a simple step by step process that lacked inspiration.

  With Brecken it was different—I was very inspired. I wanted to see what made her react. I wanted to know what she liked and not just accept the minimum basics. I wanted to know every part of her and I didn’t care if I got anything out of it, just as long as she did.

  I traced my hands along her shoulders and then down her arms. She still held a makeup brush in her hand and I took it from her and set it to the side of her. Her breathing increased and I felt the knowing tug in my abdomen and chest that I was becoming to associate with everything Brecken.

  I kept my eyes locked firmly on hers as we both looked in the mirror.

  I lifted her arms around my neck and traced back down them until I held both her breasts in either palm. I toyed with her nipples and she pulled her lip in as she took in a deep breath and lifted them closer into my palms. She started to close her eyes and I nipped at her ear and whispered, “Keep them open.”r />
  I released my right hand and let it drift lower on her. My left hand tightened around her, holding her close to me as I used my legs to guide her legs open. I looked at her in the mirror, opening herself to me and I was so overcome, I was the one to close my eyes for a breather. She let out a laugh and turned her head to bite at my shoulder. “Open, Blake.”

  Without another word I lowered my hand all the way and let my fingers dance around her and explore every noise that came from her as I did. When she was close to finishing, I stopped and lifted her quickly and turned her to face me.

  “Okay,” I said as I lowered her onto me. “Do your thing, Brecken.”

  She kissed me with a forcefulness I wasn’t expecting. She put her hand to the back of my head and deepened her kiss as she pushed my back to the ground. As she moved her body and accepted me fully she broke the kiss and her eyes closed in pleasure. “Oh my fucking god, it never felt this good,” she said as she continued to take exactly what she needed from me.

  I was a more than willing participant for her to do with as she pleased.

  I was definitely falling in love with her. No question about it.

  _______________

  We picked Mason up an hour later and headed out of town. Brecken directed me through the side streets to get to her grandpa’s house.

  I was so wrapped up in her I was on autopilot. She told me to turn left, I turned. I didn’t pay attention to the details of the ride until we turned onto a road that I recognized as the same one Mason took me down the night before. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw a confused look on Mason’s face, and then he looked at Brecken.

  “So we’re going to your grandpa’s house?” he asked Brecken.

  “Yep, my Grandpa Liam,” she said as she rubbed my thigh.

  I looked back at Mason in the mirror, “Hey Mason isn’t this—“ I started to say then I saw the look of panic on his face as he shook his head and mouthed, shut the fuck up to me.

  “Isn’t this what Blake?” Brecken asked with a laugh.

  “What?” I asked.

  She laughed again. “You just started to say, Mason isn’t this, then you stopped.”

  “Oh, I have no idea what I was saying,” I said. “I didn’t get much sleep last night, so I’m kind of out if it,” I said, looking in the mirror again at Mason who now mouthed thank you to me.

  I put my Jeep in park and Brecken smiled at me. “Let me go in a minute and make sure he’s in a presentable mood before you guys come in,” she said as she started to climb from the Jeep.

  “Wait there, Brecken. I’ll get the door for you,” I said as she rolled her eyes at me.

  I walked around the front of the Jeep, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I opened the door for Brecken and gave her a kiss before she ran in the house.

  I took the passenger seat and turned to look at Mason.

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “Fuck. What. The. Fuck,” Mason said as he ran his hand rapidly over his head. “How the fuck?” he asked.

  “How the fuck what man?” I asked.

  “Um, so this is her grandpa’s? Her name is McNett. How is this her grandpa’s?” he asked.

  “It’s her mom’s dad. Donnelly is her mom’s maiden name,” I said. “Why?”

  “Do you know—did she have a kid?” he asked as he lowered his head and everything clicked.

  Mason searching for himself. Mason’s eighteen.

  “Shit—is Brecken your mom?” I asked with shock?

  “Well, birth mother yeah—it looks like it is a good fucking possibility,” he said as he waved his hand at the house.

  “No, can’t be. She said she had a girl,” I said. “I didn’t even know you were adopted.”

  “I never said I was and I guess that isn’t something you ask people, now is it? And are you saying they gave my adoptive parents the wrong paperwork? Because I’ve seen it. It says contact information for baby boy born on April 9, 1996—Adriana Donnelly. I thought this Adriana was my mom so I came here looking for her.”

  I ran my hand across my knee. “Shit, Brecken did say she never looked at her. She said it was too hard to look at her and then send her on her way,” I said.

  “Okay, that is touching that she didn’t want to see me, but I’m obviously not a her,” Mason said with annoyance and panic.

  I looked back at him with a raised eyebrow. “That’s to be determined,” I said with a laugh, trying to wrap my head around the crazy fucking predicament we were in.

  “You have to tell her,” I said.

  “I can’t tell her,” he said with desperation. “I don’t want to ruin things with her. I mean, we’re in a band together now. I can’t fucking tell her this. I’ve learned enough about her over this last month to know it will freak her the fuck out. I’m freaked out,” he said, looking out the window and tapping on the lock.

  “How are you going to act normal with her though—knowing this?” I asked. “Dude, how am I going to act normal?”

  I thought of the truth that we made sure to give each other. I couldn’t lie to her about this. I couldn’t keep this from her. I just found out the difference between making love and fucking. I didn’t want to lose that. I’m a sap I know.

  “Please, Blake. Just give me tonight. I will tell her tomorrow. Please don’t say anything to her,” he said as he looked to the house. “Fuck, she’s waving us in. I can’t go in, her grandpa will recognize me. You just go,” he said. “Tell her I want to wait in the car because I feel awkward or some shit. It’s not a lie. It’s the truth. I feel awkward as hell right now.”

  “Okay. I’ll give you tonight,” I said with reluctance as I stepped from the Jeep. This is a mistake. I need to tell her. But who was I to take that from Mason?

  My feet felt like lead as I walked toward Brecken. She was so happy. I was so happy. Now I had this thing hanging between us and I was afraid I wasn’t going to be normal knowing it.

  I took the steps up the porch and when I reached the top Brecken took my hand. “Is Mason not coming?” she asked.

  I looked back at my Jeep, “No, he said he feels awkward and wants to just wait in the car.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, that’s fine. This’ll be fast.”

  She brought me into the living room where her grandpa was sitting in a dark green chair, playing solitaire on a TV tray.

  “Papa Liam, this is Blake Lawson,” she said drawing me toward her grandpa.

  “Lawson?” he asked and then looked between Brecken and me, before continuing his game. “Do you know where Brecken got her name son?” he asked me.

  “No, sir,” I said as I looked at Brecken and she rolled her eyes.

  “Her daddy gave it to her. He said he knew it was her name even in the womb, and he knew she’d be a girl. You see Brecken means freckled, which comes from the Gaelic word bricini. Do you know the folklore? The one about why so many of the Irish have freckles?” I shook my head again before he continued.

  “Well it was said that during the tower of Babel that when the Gaels went to get their language, the gods also gave them the freckles. They were supposed to be star constellations and that through those constellations you’d be able to understand everything the universe has to say. Well, her dad said when he had her, everything in his life finally aligned. It’s a beautiful name isn’t it?” he asked without lifting his eyes from his solitaire game. He’d kept his eyes on it the entire time.

  “Yes, sir it is,” I said as I lowered my head. I couldn’t look at Brecken as I heard her grandpa speak so lovingly about her and her father. I couldn’t do it, knowing what I knew waited for her just outside.

  “Her middle name is Drake—that one means dragon and we know for sure that is a good one for her. Now, why am I telling you all of this? Do you know how your name would sound with your initials Brecken Drake if you married into the name Lawson? Brecken D. Law-son,” he said, pronouncing the D as it sounds and not as the long sound of its nam
e. A big smile formed on the older man’s face and I felt one forming on my own. He had been so serious I felt like I was going to shit myself.

  Yes, he was an old guy, but just seeing him sitting in the chair, he was alpha male enough that I felt myself squirm. Seeing his smile set me at ease.

  I laughed and looked at Brecken as she rolled her eyes.

  “Grandpa, Blake doesn’t want to hear your jokes right now. I just wanted you to meet him,” she said with a smile.

  “Well I met him, now what am I supposed to do with him?” he asked.

  “Nothing, I suppose. We have a party to get to anyway. But, where did you put that old guitar of yours? Conall wanted me to grab it while I was here,” she said with smiling eyes as she looked at me and twisted on her heel.

  Damn it, why did I have to know this? Why can’t I look at her and not have the thought in my head on repeat, you’re Mason’s mom?

  “Yeah, it’s over in the dining room on one of the chairs. Oh you got another letter from your kid you gave up too. It was hand delivered personally yesterday,” he said and Brecken stopped in the middle of the hallway. She stood as still as stone as her shoulders dropped briefly. Then she rolled them back and stood tall once more.

  “Okay, thank you Grandpa,” she said as she grabbed the guitar and left the letter on the table.

  She walked out the door and yelled her good-bye to her grandpa.

  “It was nice to meet you, sir,” I said with a nod as I walked toward the door.

  “You too, son. Don’t mind me though. Brecken is happy with you. Just make sure you don’t fuck it up,” he said.

  “Yes sir,” I said as I walked to the door.

  Damn it, I wish I could say I didn’t feel like I was fucking up right now.

  I really wasn’t looking forward to this party.

  __________

  Each of us was quiet on the way to Hannah’s mother’s house. We listened to music and there wasn’t any sing a-longs like there was yesterday. Not even the Dropkick Murphys could break everyone out of this.