Still Water

by A. M. Johnson

  He growled against my lips, and his fingers dug into the flesh of my backside as his release poured through his body. He held me firmly against him for a moment more before he eased me down to the floor. My skirt billowed down, the hem just scarcely missing the floor.

  My legs felt like Jell-O, but Todd's hands gripped my arms as I wobbled. "Whoa." I giggled at the proud smirk that spread across Todd's face. "Don't look so pleased with yourself." His carefree laugh caused butterflies to go wild in my stomach. I shook my head and grinned. "Have I told you how much I love your laugh?" My arms draped around Todd's waist, my cheek rested in the center of his chest.

  The tip of Todd's nose ghosted across the top of my head. He inhaled, breathing me in. "This right here… you and me together… I love it. I love everything about you."

  I felt him smile against my hair and heard his heartbeat quicken with his words. I smiled brightly as I spoke, "Every inch, baby. Every. Inch."

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

  Todd

  STANDING HERE WATCHING LILY WORK BEHIND the bar, my guilt started to build like a brick wall. The past few days weighed heavy on my shoulders. My feelings for Lily were so fucking real. All I wanted was to be with her, but what I wanted didn't really matter anymore. I wasn't lying when I told her I cared about her, I did. She's the first girl to actually want me for just me. Lily caught my gaze, her brow creased and I smiled, trying to make my face look less terrified. She tilted her head to the right with a small unsure smile on her face. I nodded my chin in her direction as I pushed off the wall I was leaning against.

  Several times this week I had the urge to tell her about Molly and Emma, but how did you tell the girl you just started a relationship with, the girl you were falling for, that you had a kid? I had to tell her tonight. We spent most of the week in the studio. My band didn't play this past Tuesday because Graden was out of town for business, so I devoted most of my time with Lily to getting her album laid out. Watching her work in the recording studio, seeing in person how her mind worked as she wrote lyrics, was a privilege. I watched as she held the guitar pic in her mouth, and loved how her hair fell on her face as she scribbled down the words for the song she was composing. Every minute with her was like a stolen secret… a prize. I couldn't help but think our time was limited.

  It was close to closing time, and I was grateful tomorrow was Sunday. Lily had agreed to stay with me tonight so we could go see Liz and Sawyer in the morning at the hospital. Sawyer was doing much better and had been transferred out of the ICU and was now on a lower acuity floor. This past week was a real shit show on all accounts, but at least he was doing better. I had texted with Emma, and I was meeting Molly tomorrow night. A giant part of me hoped that Lily would come with me, but I doubted the odds were in my favor. The thought of meeting my little girl was so overwhelming, how was I supposed to do this? I still hadn't even told my brother. That conversation with my family would have to happen soon.

  The bar patrons started to pool to the front as I turned on the lights indicating closing time. Lily and Tiff were laughing and talking quietly behind the bar. I took a deep breath as the last customer left and walked to where the girls were starting their closing side work.

  "We've got to hire some more people, Todd. This shit sucks." Tiffany grimaced as she appraised all the glasses that sat at the tables scattered around the bar.

  "It does. I'll get the glasses, Tiff, if you can wipe down the tables and the store front windows?" Lily smiled a knowing smile at me. Tiffany hated washing glasses.

  "What the hell are you going to do?" Tiffany cocked her perfectly sculpted black eyebrow at me.

  "I'll stock the heavy shit. But you're right. I'll look through those applications this weekend and schedule some interviews for Frank for this Tuesday. Sound good, princess?" I laughed as Tiffany frowned at my term of endearment; she hated it when I called her that.

  "You're a dick." She huffed out a sharp exhale as she pushed past me to start the nightly cleaning.

  Lily chuckled softly at the exchange as she picked a song for the night's cleaning party. "Hero," by Family of the Year, started to play. The song calmed my nerves, and it was as if Lily could feel my anxiety as she wrapped her arms around my waist.

  "What's up, baby?" She rested her chin on my chest as her gaze searched my face. "You've been so weird all week. Are you finally going to tell me what's on your mind?"

  "You still staying tonight? I've missed you all week." I leaned down and kissed her forehead, my arms found their way around her little waist.

  "You're such a jerk. Stop avoiding the question." She playfully slapped my shoulder, and I grinned for just a second. But then the image of Molly popped behind my eyes, and my smile fell. "See, what's that about, Todd? What's up?"

  "Can we talk at my place?" My pulse started to pound as Lily's eyes darkened with discontent.

  "Sure." She started to pull away, but I pulled her in closer.

  "I swear we'll talk tonight. I wanted to speak to you sooner, but you hurried home after work every night. You avoiding me, lady?" My attempt to break the heavy mood worked. She smacked me again this time on my chest.

  "No, I've been trying to record, work, and help my sister as much as I can. I need to get my own place. Can I have a raise, boss? I'm perfectly ready to sleep my way to the top." She winked at me, and a loud laugh burst from my gut.

  "Holy shit, you're terrible at seduction, sweetheart. Good thing I already know what you're working with." I leaned down to kiss her, and the palm of her hand met my nose as she pushed my face away.

  "Don't even." She giggled.

  "Could you two stop flirting and maybe do some work? Some of us have empty beds to go home to, you know?" Tiffany stood at one of the tables, a hand on her hip and a scowl on her face.

  "Awe, shit, Tiff, want to come home with us?" I joked.

  Tiffany's mouth looked as if she tasted something bitter, and her eyebrows dipped low on her brow. "I'm going to pretend like you didn't just say that." She turned and started vigorously wiping down the table.

  "Um, me too." Lily shook her head at me, but the smirk on her lip belied her words. I laughed harder than I had all week, and my stomach ached from it, but the fun and games would be over soon, and I wondered if my bed would be empty tonight as well.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

  Lily

  THE TIP OF TODD'S FINGER TRACED odd shapes and patterns on my belly. The morning sun would be rising soon, and he still hadn't brought up what was bothering him. Whatever was going on it was affecting us, and I wanted it out on the table. One minute I felt him slipping away, and then the next he was clinging to me for dear life. I was used to the fact that Todd was moody, but tonight, he made love to me like he was desperate, like this was the last time we'd be together — like he was saying goodbye. It didn't help that I had to spend most of my time with my sister. The money she gave our mother had her budget short, so I helped as much as I could on the mornings she couldn't afford daycare. I'd only seen Todd in the studio and at work, and by the time the bar closed, I was so tired from lack of sleep I just wanted to go home.

  Tonight was the first night we'd had just to ourselves since the beginning of the week. We needed this time together. We both hid our feelings behind our actions, and without his physical love, I felt lost. Todd's lips pressed against my neck, and his nose tickled at the sensitive skin below my ear. I hummed in appreciation.

  "The way you respond to me, the little sounds you make… damn baby, it's everything." He nipped at my earlobe, and I shivered.

  As much as I wanted him, needed that connection with him, we needed to be honest with each other or this would never last. We'd burn out like I had thought we would when we started this thing. The thought made me sick to my stomach. "Be real with me, Todd, what's going on?"

  His body stiffened next to me, and I heard him inhale sharply. I sat up and pulled the sheet with me covering my body. He rolled over on his back, his one arm across his eyes and the
other laid palm down on his chest. The fear in my heart started to flutter like a trapped bird against my ribcage as I watched his chest rise and fall faster with each second that went by. "God Todd, what is it? You're scaring me." My voice sounded weak in the quiet room.

  He took a deep breath. "When I was at the hospital I ran into an old girlfriend…" My mouth felt like sandpaper as he continued, "I hadn't seen her since the night of Lizzie's wedding. She wasn't really even a girlfriend. I mean we dated a while ago, but—"

  "Just spit it out." I couldn't contain the panic, and my words rushed out severely. Todd's history wasn't exactly a secret — his list of women was something I didn't have specifics on necessarily, but I was sure it was lengthy.

  He sat up abruptly. "What the hell, Lily?" Todd appraised me with angry eyes.

  "So some chick you screwed saw you at the hospital. Great, what happened? You want out, is that it?" My anger was irrational, my jealous green monster was on full display, and I hated myself for it. I dropped my eyes and started to curl the sheet into and out of knots with my hands nervously.

  "Hell no! Lily, look at me." Todd tried to place his fingers under my chin, but I turned away from him, my emotions were too high. The bomb was about to drop, and my lungs were gripped tight in a vise. I couldn't believe I let myself fall for someone again, someone who would just leave me for another girl. Why was this happening to me again? "Lily, please, fucking look at me." The sadness in his voice momentarily cooled my temper.

  Our eyes met, and the amber brown color that I'd grown to love had dimmed. They were now glassy and rimmed in red. Was he crying? "Please just say what it is you need to say." If you are going to destroy me, please just do it quickly.

  "Emma, her name is Emma…" The ache in my throat was acute; I was helpless to stop the quiet sob that passed from my shaky lips, trying so hard to hold back the tears that were trying to fall. I almost broke when he placed my face between his palms. "Please listen, it's not what you think."

  "Sure it isn't." The words were watery.

  He wiped away the tears that were streaming down my face. "Lily, you need to listen, okay? I ran into someone I used to date, and yeah, you're right… she's someone I've screwed. One time. On the night Lizzie got married. The night my fucking heart was bleeding out on the damn floor. The night I was so drunk I didn't notice the condom broke. The goddamn night I made a child."

  The room fell silent, and the air felt thin as everything started to spin. "Wh-what?" I didn't trust my own ears.

  "I have a two-year-old daughter I never knew about. Her name is Molly. I saw Emma at the hospital, and it all came out. She never told me, didn't think I would've wanted to be a dad. I'm not what she envisioned for her daughter, you know?" Todd's face fell in defeat before me, and I felt my anger flare, but for a different reason.

  "She didn't tell you that you had a kid? What the hell kind of woman does that?" I enfolded my hands around his wrists pulling him away from my face.

  "I was pissed at first, too, Lily, but she had her reasons. Back then, who would've wanted me as a husband or a father? I don't blame her." He tilted his chin down with shame, making my heart stop. Todd was too good of a guy. He blamed himself, and I wouldn't let him this time.

  "No way." I place my hands on his face, tipping his head back, forcing him to give me eye contact. "You do not feel guilt for this. She should've told you, baby. She should have given you the freaking choice.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Todd

  THE SINCERE SOUND OF LILY'S VOICE when she called me baby rattled the cage around my heart. The heat of her palms against my cheeks was like a balm. The way her eyes shimmered, making them look like emeralds in the dim light, took my breath away. But… the way she looked at me, like I was breaking apart, had the fucking tears that I shouldn't be crying falling from my eyes. Here I was telling her that my stupid ass mistakes of the past were here to possibly ruin our future, and she was sticking up for me, trying to make me feel better. This girl was everything I'd ever wanted, and I was about to tell her I needed space to figure shit out. I didn't want her to settle for me, my life was about to get so complicated, and she needed to be with someone who wouldn't always mess shit up.

  "You're right, she should have, but she didn't, and what's the point in fighting. She's willing to let me be a part of Molly's life now."

  A small puff of exasperation blew from her lips. "Willing to let you? Todd, that's your little girl. You have rights."

  "I'm meeting her tomorrow." The weight in my chest shifted as Lily's hands dropped from my face.

  "Will she be there? Emma?" Lily wrapped the sheet tight around her body like a shield.

  "Yes." I didn't let my eyes leave hers. Lily's hold on the sheet tensed, her unease rolled off her in waves. I wasn't ready to let her go, I wasn't ready for the space, but my head was so mixed up. Emma still loved me; I could be a father to Molly, maybe make things work with Emma? My history of reckless choices spun through my mind, and I started to feel nauseated, the taste of metal pooled in my mouth. The thought of not having Lily with me tomorrow was making me feel so damn panicked that I decided to say screw it and just go with my gut.

  "I'd like it if you'd come with me." Once the words left my mouth I started to feel better, the twinge in my stomach subsided. Lily let her grip on the sheet slack, her face no longer pale.

  "Yeah?" She exhaled, her shoulders relaxed and she smiled.

  "If you're sure you want to, I would understand if you wanted to end this." I pointed to my chest.

  "Why would I end this?" Her brow furrowed.

  "Why wouldn't you? This is a lot to take on for just starting out in a relationship." My teeth were clenched; my molars throbbed with the force.

  "Todd?" She moved toward me letting the sheet fall, exposing her breasts, her flawless skin out in the open. The freckles that covered her body were a stunning assortment, and I haven't discovered every shape, every spot yet. Dread eased its way around my throat; the thought that I wouldn't know every spec of this woman was a dark cloud that hung over my head. "This is what caring about each other means. Let me be here for you."

  "What if I can't let you? What if I don't want this for you?" My jaw pulsed, the stain of my past failures pumped rapidly through my veins as I awaited her answer.

  "That's not your choice, it's mine. Don't take away my choice, or then you're just like her."

  The truth of what she was saying seeped through that brick wall I was trying to build. I had to let her make her own decisions. My heart wanted Lily, but my loyalty lay with my daughter, and I would do just about anything to have her in my life.

  Lily wrapped her arms around my neck, and, as her chilled skin pressed against my chest, all the apprehension melted away. "Don't pull away from this. I felt you trying to all week. I felt you say goodbye tonight in every touch. Don't give up on us." She placed her lips to mine with a hurried kiss. "Let me be here for you," she repeated. A spark ignited across my skin as she trailed her fingers down my chest, the pale color of her hands against the colorful artwork inked into my skin was the perfect contradiction.

  My body responded to her touch, but I couldn't let what I needed to say be clouded by my desire to be with her. "I'll try, Lily, that's all I can give you right now. You know I care about you, but my baby girl, Molly… she's my number one now and I need to be a dad to her."

  "That's the best thing you've said all night." Lily surprised me by quickly placing her soft lips to mine. She pulled her hand through my hair taking the kiss up a notch, just enough to get me going, just enough to make it impossible for me to stop myself from having her. I couldn't give her more — the more that she deserved — not right now. Right now… all I had was uncertainty. I'd promise to let her be there for me, and I would, but right now, all I could do was make her feel… feel just how much she meant to me.

  THE FLUORESCENT LIGHT IN Sawyer's hospital room was taking my headache to a whole new level of shit. Sailor, Lily, and Elizabeth
had just headed down to the cafeteria to grab some snacks for the baby. Sawyer was going home tomorrow; his recovery wasn't over, and he still had a small tremor in his right hand. The doctors assured him with physical therapy he would get the full function of his hand back in no time. Sawyer sat on the edge of his bed in his dark blue sweat pants and a gray T-shirt with NAVY across the front. His hair was messy, but he still looked like a fucking brick wall. He was staring at his hands as he rubbed his left thumb into the palm of his right hand.

  "Does it hurt?" I wasn't sure if I should ask. He was quiet, and I figured he was the 'suffer in silence' type.

  Sawyer slowly pulled his attention from his hands. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

  His mind was obviously elsewhere, "Your hand, does it hurt?"

  "No man, that's the funny thing. I wish it did… I wish I could feel the pain of it, because then I'd know how to deal with it. Pain is something I can handle, it lets me know I'm still alive, still breathing, still have a chance. This numbness is fucking driving me crazy. How the hell can I be fine one minute, and then not even be able to hold a damn pencil the next?" He brusquely pushed the tray table that sat next to his bed with his left hand, the pencil he was working with earlier fell to the ground — the sound oddly poignant. A small object like a pencil was bringing down this great man.

  "Soy, physical therapy will help. The doctors say you'll be all good, bro. Don't let this shit bring you down, you're too strong for that, right?" I met his hard stare.

  He nodded. "Thanks."

  "All right then." My tone was placating, and Sawyer laughed. My lips pulled into a smirk. "What?"

  "You're so sweet to me." Sawyer's shoulders shook with laughter as I looked for something to throw at him.