by K. L. Jessop
“Oh, so it was all my fault?”
“That’s not what I said.”
I want this to stop. I want Lucas to come with heavy armour and tell him to stop. Hold me tight so I can breathe. “But it’s what you’ve always thought?”
“What was I supposed to think? You just disappeared without another word!”
“I had no choice!” I scream.
“Everyone has a choice, Victoria, you just chose to go without any consideration for others. I knew you were troubled. I knew you were wronged. But leaving me like that hurt like fucking hell.”
I grip my stomach from the raw memory, my body shuddering and tears still falling. I lost everything. How can he not see I wasn’t given a choice? I was a minor—frightened, distraught and alone. Five days he left me for. Five days is a long time for a vulnerable fourteen-year-old living in a house of hate and terror. Living with a violent drunk that beat you when Mummy wasn’t around—the violent drunk that didn’t care when his own cousin entered my room at night. The seven years that Lawson lived under the same roof as me were horrifically unbearable, but it was those five nights at the time Marcus had gone to London that my life became a haunting nightmare. I literally had no one and I desperately needed him like I never needed him before. Marcus was always my protector. Until the day he broke my heart and told me he was moving to London.
That day changed everything, and that very week become my worst nightmare.
“Well, my apologies for not being all that great at dealing with the fact my stepfather had just murdered my mother.”
Gasps of horror from our audience fills the silence as Lucas steps towards me.
“I was fourteen, Marcus. I was already damaged by the life I had at home and then I found her, lying there while her husband was too drunk to realise what he’d done. I found her, Marcus. Not you, not the police. Me.” I swipe the tears away, loathing the fact I’ve just revealed my biggest secret to a room of people I hardly know when I’ve not spoken about it in years.
“Victoria…” He reaches out to me and everything stops at the sound of Charlie’s cry, making me remember why I need to remain strong even though it’s excruciating. Marcus’s eyes widen and he looks in the direction of where the sound is coming from. “Who is that?”
“That is my son,” I say softly, completely wounded and exhausted. I need to take my boy and leave. “Excuse me while I abandon this wonderful reunion.” Wiping my face, I hold my hand over my mouth, trying to stop the emotion that’s burning in the back of my throat from erupting. Entering the bedroom, I pick up my sleepy baby and hold on for dear life.
How can I do this?
How can I restart the life for him when my old one is still ripping me apart?
I need to talk to Lucy.
“Hey, bud,” I whisper, kissing him on the head and blinking back the tears. “Mummy is here.”
I collect up Charlie's things and turn when Megan comes in.
“Tori,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you two knew… I wasn’t aware of your…”
“You weren’t to know, Megan. But I can’t stay. I can’t do this now.”
“I understand.” She takes hold of my arm. “Please don’t stay away, this doesn’t change anything for me. Just give him time. You both need time.”
I go to leave but stop when another woman stands in the doorway.
Amelia.
She is every bit as beautiful as Megan described: a mass of red controlled curls that fall to her waist and piercing deep blue eyes. She’s stunning. Her soft smile tells me she’s pleased to meet me, but the fidgeting of her finger says she is feeling awkward.
I don’t say hello, instead, one question leaves my lips. “Does he keep you safe?”
I don’t need an answer because I already know he does. However, I can’t help but feel hurt when she replies softly.
“With every breath that he breathes.”
Marcus doesn’t move when I re-enter the living room, but I know his eyes are on Charlie and me. Heading to the door, I’m ready to start a new battle with the man that’s doing all kinds of crazy to my heart. “Lucas, please let us pass.”
Eyes of trepidation burn into mine and a wave of something moves in my stomach. It’s like he can feel my pain and understands—like he somehow knows what I’m going through. His voice is tender which only makes it harder. “Birdy...”
“Please don’t,” I whisper. “Just let me go. I need to be on my own.”
He strokes my hair. “You mean you need to run?”
“Yes,” I admit. “But not from you.”
The warmth of his lips on my forehead is a comfort I’ve longed for and I want nothing more than to have him hold me in his embrace, but when he reluctantly opens the door the freedom is too much. I’m in two minds whether to walk straight out and not look back, but I don’t, because no matter how much I’m hurting, I know my friend is too. Turning back, I look at him and give him some truth in the hope that he’ll understand. He looks distraught, a shadow of the man that walked in here not so long ago. “The Social workers and the police were out looking for me that night mum died because I ran. I didn’t know what else to do but run. They found me under the bridge around thirty minutes after your dad did.”
Marcus looks up, confusion in his eyes as though he’s not heard this story before, given the way his dad use to behave he most likely hasn’t, but that doesn’t stop the anger I feel. I glare at him, a quiver in my voice as my chest tightens with the reminder of how scared I was. “He found me there first and he told me he’d come back on business and that you were right behind him. I told him what happened, and he told me everything would be alright. When the police arrived, he told them he knew me and that he was a friend of the family, and for a split moment I thought everything would be okay. Then, when they asked him if he’d allow me into his family home to make sure I was safe, he said no. He said no, Marcus. I was so scared, so broken, and afraid and he said no as if I were a stranger. So, they took me away. That’s why I wasn’t here when you came back. That’s why I’ve been lost all these years, because you left and your dad said no, and I was left with no choice.”
My heart breaks when a single tear slides down his cheek and I know it’s time to leave. I won’t break in front of my boy.
Taking us both home, I place Charlie in his cot and stroke his hair. When his little eyes finally close, only then do mine erupt with tears. “Oh, God,” I whisper, trying to catch my breath in the low glow of the room, my lungs full of hot air, my skin itchy as though the pain is crawling out of every pore, causing me to dig my nails at my neck in the hope to find some release as I drop to my mattress. I’ve not cried this pain in years. I learned to suppress all that hurt and all the fear behind the girl I’d become. Only now I’ve lost all control of who I am and what I believed as deep damaging sobs leave my body from years of agonising heartbreak that’s slowly been killing me.
Chapter Nineteen
Lucas.
With the silence that follows, the room is left with an edge of apprehension and shock. Undoubtedly because of the devastating announcement Tori made about her childhood but more so because she is, in fact, the girl Marcus has been searching for. For as long as I've known him, Marcus has often mentioned his best friend he lost contact with as a boy and a girl he was desperate to have in his life again. The fury I felt inside when he kept pushing her for answers was hard to control but knew that I had to sustain it because I needed those answers myself. I could see she was broken. I could see she was struggling but I had to remain strong and listen. And a part of me is glad I did because it made me realise just how much we are alike when it comes to experiencing loss. Granted, the outcomes of our trauma and melancholy may be different but I could see in her eyes the guilt and regrets I hold in my heart.
Her mother was murdered.
I also feel like an arsehole. She's been with me and around me for weeks and I had no idea she was his friend. But despite who she
’s been exposed as now, it changes nothing, and I can’t just stand here and let her be alone. The urge to comfort and hold her is immense, she might need space and time to be alone, but after suffering on her own for years, now is not the time she needs to isolate herself from all this hurt that just came back to hit her full force.
“I'm going to find, Tori,” I sigh, getting up and grabbing my keys. The intensity of Marcus’s eyes slices into my back as I head towards the door. I brace myself for the wrath that I know is about to go down.
“Why are you going? And why was she here?”
I glance at him with a knowing look and recognition clouds his eyes.
“You’re fucking her? Of course, you are,” he smirks. His disapproving tone instantly pisses me off and I try to breathe through it.
“It’s more than sex. Tori and I are together.”
He jolts to his feet. “Since fucking when?” The hostility in his voice is evident. I can't not give him answers—I'm not that much of an arsehole—but if he so much as thinks that this changes anything then he’s got another fucking think coming. She may not want a relationship with her friend, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still have one with her. I’m not going down without a fight, not this time. She’s too far in my life now to let her go. “I met her the night before you left for Holland. She was outside Rubies.”
“She's been here that long?” Amelia asks, barely above a whisper.
“She'd only been here a week or so then,” Megan replies. “I first met her on the beach and we’ve got together a couple times.”
Her mother was murdered.
“What was she doing outside Rubies?” Marcus continues, now pacing the room. That’s the very question that’s been going through my mind since that night. There is something about that place that makes her halt her step, fall into another world and brings an element of uncertainty to her eyes. Now I’m beginning to understand what: reminiscences. It never occurred to me before that she’s returned to a place she already knows.
“Staring. Every time I saw her there she was just, staring.”
He stops suddenly, turning to face me. “Has she ever spoken about me?”
Fuck me, does he really think that little of me that I would hold back on telling him if I knew?
With the level of frustration I have with Marcus and my need to be with Tori, I raise my voice a little, still in total disbelief of the whirlwind that has become this past couple of hours. “You’re kidding me, right? I can’t believe you’ve just asked me that.”
“Well, what do you expect me to ask, Lucas? I come back from holiday to find my best friend has returned and the first person she bumps into after years of searching is you!” he roars.
Amelia, grabs his arm to try and calm him.
“And what, that’s a bad thing?” I point to the door. “Marcus, up until you walked through this fucking door I never even realised she’d lived here before. Do you really think I’d keep that from you if I knew who she was?”
“If it meant getting your fucking leg over you would!”
I charge towards him in escalating rage but get caught up short when Andrew jumps between us and pushes me back a step, the girls shrieking at me to stop.
“Lucas, lashing out at him won’t make you feel any better.”
It fucking would.
My blood soars through me like lava, my muscle clenching with the need to lash out as my eyes drill into him like he’s suddenly the enemy. I growl over Andrews' shoulder, pointing towards him. “Tori is not a quick fix for me. You have no fucking idea what you are talking about.”
Silence fills the room once again and Megan hands me a whiskey, squeezing my shoulder to provide a little comfort, knowing I need to control my emotions that have suddenly blown up in the air.
How fucking dare he?
He can think what he likes about me, but I will not have him put Tori in that kind of category or anyone for that matter. She is not a quick fix to a problem I needed a diversion from—she has never been and never will be.
“If she never said anything about coming back, then what do you know?” Amelia asks quietly.
I lean forward, resting my hands on my knees. I know she still avoids certain conversations. I know she still hides behind the barriers I’ve been trying to tear down, and she still slips into a world I don’t like watching her fall into, and I know that despite all that she’s consumed me to the very depth of my soul. “She said she moved here for a fresh start for her and Charlie.”
“Her son?” Marcus asks.
“Yes. He's a great kid. And she’s an unbelievable mother,” I point out, now smiling to myself as I think about how I adore watching Tori and the way she is with Charlie. There’s a constant smile on her face and her eyes pop with so much love when she interacts with him. “She idolises that boy.” I throw back another shot of Whiskey as Marcus runs his hands through his hair, looking like he's just aged ten years while everyone else sits and takes it all in.
“I can’t get my head around this. Any of it.” He walks towards the window and looks out across the bay. I understand how he must be feeling, but he’s not the one his father turned away when he was a child, when his life was already a world full of darkness: it was Tori.
“Did she tell you anything about her mother? Or anything about the life she had growing up?”
I grip the glass a little harder. How many more fucking times? She never told me anything. Other than being homeless I’m as clueless as everyone else in the room—all except Marcus. But it's not my place to speak of Tori's living conditions. However, I can’t sit here and say that she’s an untroubled woman because, after tonight, we all know she is. “I didn't know anything. But I’m not an idiot either, I’ve known since the first night I saw her that she’s been burned. I never knew how bad, but I saw it was there. I guess now everything makes a little more sense.” For as long as she’s known, her life has been faced with the ultimate fight or flight, and her way out no matter how much she wants to fight it is to flee.
“How do you mean?”
“She diverts conversations if they get too heavy. I notice anxiety hits her out of the blue now and again, and for some reason, the blood drains from her face when I try and get her to take a step towards the ocean.”
“Lawson,” he growls, clenching his fists. One can only assume that this Lawson guy is her step-father, and I’m immediately pissed that I’ll never get the chance to meet the fucker. But if I do, so help me God it won’t be the only murder to have happened in Spring Rose.
“Take it he’s her step-father?”
“Yes. He’s the reason behind all of this. What he did to her mum, the hell he put Victoria through and the damaged he caused. She was so desperate to be a fashion designer. Even at that age her drawings were incredible and for years I believed that’s where life was going to take her. I honestly believed that by getting away the change would be good for her. That she would have a better life. But once gone, it was as if she just vanished and now something tells me that life for her only got worse.”
I knew Tori drew, and I knew that those drawings were something she kept private and I respected that, but I never knew those drawings were her dream.
“Did you not have any idea that she was taken into care?” Amelia asks Marcus.
“We did but got unanswered questions. I found out about her mother when I was still in London with Mum. We came straight back but learned that she’d just gone and none of the authorities would tell us anything. I was mad at Victoria because she just vanished. I was still a boy myself and couldn’t get my head around her disappearance. If I’d have known what my father had...” His eyes well up and I’ve seen and heard enough. The ache of not having her close is agonising; the need to get out of this damn house so I can think is suffocating as anxiety begins to build thick and fast.
Her mother was murdered.
Standing, I place my glass on the table and head for the door. “I’m going to see Tori.”
“No,” he says, already heading towards the door. “Let me go. Tell me where she is. It’s me that needs to sort this.”
Not a chance. I’m the one that needs to be with her now. I need answers to the questions she can no longer hide from. More importantly, I won’t have him go there, see where she’s living and have her feel any more ashamed than she already does. So, I speak the words I know will crush him. “She doesn’t want to see you, Marcus. If she did, she wouldn’t have left. I know Tori well enough to know that you’re the last person she wants to be near right now.”
“Her name is Victoria!” he barks, hating the fact he knows I’m right.
“Maybe when you were kids. But times have changed and so has she.”
He stands directly in front of me, his once broad shoulders now low with guilt, grief and emotional defeat and tears in his eyes. “Lucas, I know you well enough to know that you look out for others you care for and do right by them. But I swear to God, if you hurt that girl in the slightest way before I get a chance to build a relationship with her again, I will fucking kill you. I’ve lost her once. I don’t want to lose her again.”
I clench my jaw and clamp my fists, fury in my eyes as once again his words burn their way through my veins. I step closer, feeling the heat of his chest and noticing Andrew and Jack leave their seats once more. I square up to Marcus, hating him for putting me in this position because I consider him more of a brother than a friend, but right now, brotherhood doesn’t even come close to the way I feel for Tori. For the first time since she’s stormed into my life, I reveal the words I never thought I’d say out loud about any woman, and I make my point very fucking clear. “I’m only going to say this once, Marcus, so I suggest you fucking listen. I’ve never cared for anyone as deeply and unconditionally as I do Tori. She and Charlie are everything to me and I’ve never once used her in the way in which you believe I may have. It’s not me that should be worried about hurting her, Marcus, it’s yourself. So, hear me when I say that, if you or anyone else for that matter bring her down or break her heart more than it’s already been torn then it’s me you should be worried about because I won’t stop until I kill the bastard that does it.”