by K. L. Jessop
“Yeah, most of it belongs to Charlie, too.”
“Is Tori not joining us for lunch after she’s dropped Charlie off at nursery?” Amelia asks, opening the takeaway boxes that Rock Waves have just delivered to my place. She and Megan have taken the time to help settle Tori into my place while Marcus and Andrew attend a meeting regarding the southern pier. Construction on the pier is to take place in the next coming days as some of the rafters have either become weak or broken altogether. Being involved in a large part of the town and this pier being near The Grand Hotel, Marcus was asked to attend.
“No, she has an appointment with her support worker to go over a few final things.”
The smell of fresh fish and salad fills my kitchen as Amelia starts to dish it up onto plates for the three of us. Megan sorts the drinks while I open the balcony doors on another glorious day of late summer and set the table. “She’s come such a long way in getting signed off the programme. Marcus is so proud of her.”
“He’s not the only one. I get prouder of her each day.”
“It’s so good that you’ve found someone, Lucas.” Amelia says, placing a plate in front of me.
“She’s blown my mind and knocked my heart right out the park.”
“We’ve seen a massive change in you, too,” Megan adds joining us. “Don’t think we haven’t notice that you’re more at ease with life these days. Not that either of us know why you weren’t in the first place.” Both sets of blue eye’s stare at me, causing my skin to prickle with that same unwanted feeling I get whenever I think of Selena. I know the girls deserve to know, we tell each other everything, but I just never have found the words. How can I tell them when they look up to me so much in the way they do?
“Lucas, whatever happened before you came back here won’t change how we feel about you,” Amelia says softly.
“You can’t say that when you don’t know what happened.”
“So, tell us?”
With a heavy sigh, I place my fork down and tell them everything they need to know about Selena and her father, how his daughter became a part of my life for so many reasons and I let her down. Because even though in my eyes those men hurt her, my bullet was imbedded in her body. Tears fall from my sister’s eyes as I glance up at them both. “In the weeks after her death, I lost control. I fucked about, drunk myself stupid and hid away whenever things got too much. I was later signed off service with PTSD and had no idea what to do with my life. So, I came home.”
“But you didn’t seem that different? I mean, yes we could see you weren’t yourself but how can you have been going through all of that and none of us notice?” Megan cries.
“It’s surprising what people can hide behind a smile, Megan,” Amelia replies, taking my hand with a little squeeze, her own eyes glassed with unshed tears.
“But you still felt that you couldn’t tell us?”
“It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you, Megan. It’s just I could never find the words. After it happened, Amelia was going through it with Daniel turning up; it was easier to focus on someone else’s problems rather than my own. In the end, it just got too hard to speak of.”
“How are you doing now?”
“Better. I’ve been seeing a therapist on the quiet, which has helped. But if I’m honest, nothing really changed until I met Tori. She's changed my whole outlook on life and made me a better person. We’re healing each other.”
“Jesus, Lucas. I still wish you’d have told me.” Megan leaves her seat and rounds the table, coming behind me and enveloping her arms around my neck in a hug.
I stroke her arm, reassuring her that I’m okay even though deep down I still have a long way to go. “I didn’t want you to worry. Besides, I’m the big brother here; I’m meant to take care of you.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to hide your demons. You know I would do anything for you. We all would.”
I kiss her arm and give it a little tap. “I know. And I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t apologise. Just no more secrets, okay?”
“No more secrets. Now dry your eyes and get back and finish your dinner. I didn’t buy it for you to cry into.”
“I love you.”
“We both do,” Amelia adds and I kiss her knuckles in return as Megan leaves my grip.
“I know. I’m lucky to have you ladies in my life, Tori included.”
We sit and eat our lunch in an unusual silence. Although I was grateful to have them before, I’m even more so now as they don’t see me like I imagined they would after they found out.
“Have you seen any of Tori’s designs she draws yet? Marcus keeps trying to get her to show people,” Amelia asks. The images that are currently burning a hole in one of those boxes are the same images I’m itching to get my hands on.
“Not yet, but she will when she’s ready.”
“I want to know what she can design for me. Maybe she can do me a wedding dress.”
“Megan, you’re already married,” I laugh, filling my mouth with salad.
“Yes, but I love Andrew that much I could easily marry him again.”
“Aw, such a cutie pie. But where the hell is my sister and her foul mouth because this isn’t you.”
“Fuck you, arsehole. You’re turning in to a pussy just as much as I am. Is that better?” she grins.
“Much.”
“Anyway, I’m still waiting for an apology.”
My brows narrow. “For what?”
“For you trying to tell me that sex with a random is better than sex with the one you love.”
Since Megan got with Andrew, I’ve never been able to escape this conversation. Apparently, I had to let my dick settle until I found the right woman and she’s absolutely fucking right, because sex has never been this good, and neither has my life.
“Alright, you win. You are right.”
“Thank-the-fuck-you.” She beams like she’s just won the competition of the year. “Hey, maybe she can design your wedding dress, Amelia?”
“That’s if there is a wedding,” she says with a sigh under her breath but loud enough to have Megan and I glance at each other. Pushing her full plate away, I notice her pale complexion is even more ghostly looking than normal.
“I’m sorry, but please repeat the bullshit that’s just slipped out of your mouth.” Megan adds.
“Ginger Spice, is everything alright? You don’t look—” Before I have a chance to finish, Amelia is running down the hall to the bathroom and emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet. Going to her, Megan and I find her sitting on the floor wiping her watery eyes, her head resting in her hand.
“Is everything alright you ask? Well, how about I start with the fact that every time I think about marrying the man I love, I feel physically sick or I am sick. Oh no wait, that could be because of the fact I’m carrying his child and I can’t seem to get the words out to tell him.”
“Oh my God!” Megan shrieks, jumping into the air. “Oh my fucking God!”
Stepping forward with a face like I’ve just been given a puppy, I kneel in front of Amelia, taking her hand. “Ginger Spice, this is great news. I didn’t know you were trying.”
“We aren’t, so it is a bit of a shock but…” She lowers her head and I can see her anxieties suffocating her, the redness in her neck and cheeks a dead giveaway. I make meaning to my sister that she needs to hold off on the celebrations and she soon joins us on the bathroom floor.
“What’s troubling you, baby mama?” she says.
“What if I can’t cope? What if it changes everything and things go bad? What if there is a problem? What if I gain hundreds of pounds and can’t shift it and Marcus doesn’t love me anymore? What if the baby hates me? What if—”
My sister holds up her hands. “Babe, take a fucking breath.”
I sit forward, trying to hide the amusement from her stress levels. This woman seriously overthinks shit at times.
“Ok well first, you will cope. Second,
if anything should go wrong then that’s what the midwives and doctors are there for. And third, the baby will never hate you.”
“Bro, you forgot the bit about her gaining weight and Marcus not loving her.” Megan turns to Amelia and grins, “Baby, even if Marcus doesn’t love you for having fat ankles and baby blubber, I still will.”
“Megan, you are not helping my anxiety levels,” she says with a little laugh.
“Ginger, you will make an excellent mother and the only reason your mind is racing and you’re feeling this way is because your body is full of hormones. Go home, talk to Marcus and I can assure you everything will be fine.”
“You think?”
“I know. He loves you more than life itself.” I kiss her hair and whisper. “You’re going to be a mummy.”
“I’m scared.”
“Don’t be. You’ve got this.”
“Jesus Christ. Tori better like going out clubbing because I’m going to need a new best friend now that she’s got herself knocked up,” Megan deadpans.
Amelia and I both laugh as I hook my arms around their shoulders for them to cuddle with me. I appreciate the fact that I have my blue-eyed girls with me no matter what life throws at us. We have all been through our own troubles over the years and have each been there for one another. “I love you, girls, like there’s no tomorrow, you know that, right? I am proud to have you in my life.”
“We love you too. And I can’t believe that Ginger is impregnated with little gingers.”
“Jesus, Megan. You make it sound like I’ve got a bloody army in there.”
“Well however many you have, Ginger Spice, make sure one is a girl.”
“Why?”
“Charlie will be needing a wife.”
As I clean up after dinner, Tori takes Charlie for a bath. After spending my afternoon with the girls, I feel more content with everything and having the presence of my raven in my house only increases that feeling more. Heading into the living room, I begin lighting candles to create a relaxing mood when I notice one of Tori’s boxes has been unpacked. Right there staring back at me is her A4 sketchpad that contains all her drawings. My fingertips are instantly itchy, wanting to know what’s inside. I know these are Tori’s personal drawings and I should respect that, but I also want to see the talent behind my girl. Taking the book, I sit myself on the sofa and scan my eyes over it once more before opening it up.
“Holy shit,” I whisper. My breath is immediately caught with the professionalism that's etched across the paper. Thick lines verses fine details, smudge marks of shading and small notes of which fabric would be preferred as a black and white illustration of a model looks back at me. It makes my heart pound just looking at it. It makes my heart pound with fucking pride.
Why is she hiding these?
I’m no expert, but I know that what is developed right in front of me will no longer stay as hidden pages. I won’t let it. My raven bird has a talent, and it’s about time she made use of it.
Before I have a chance to register, the book is swiped from my grasp.
“What the hell are you doing?”
I find her eyes, a mix of fire, sadness and pain. Her body trembles before me, but I make no attempt to console her because I know it’s not me she’s outraged with, it’s herself. “Were you ever going to show me these?”
“They are not for you to look at!” she bites back.
“Answer the question.”
“No. No, I wasn’t ever going to show you or anyone for that matter.”
It kills me to see the person that’s suddenly in front of me, so small, lost and vulnerable. I hate myself for being the one that’s pushed her to this point because I know those fucking demons are at the forefront of her mind once again and I’ve surfaced them. “But why?”
“Because they are not to be shared. It was a dream I never got the chance to fulfil, and a dream I now will never follow.”
“Why the hell would you say that?”
“Because I don’t deserve it!” she yells.
My eyes widen, and I sit forward. “Are you insane?”
“No, Lucas. I was damaged. When you’re told as a little girl that you are nothing, worth nothing and will never be anything but nothing, it does shit to your head. It makes you believe it even though you try not to. Drawing and being a fashion designer was my only passion and only dream I ever had as a little girl and Lawson crushed that along with everything else. He turned me into a person I never wanted to be and gave me a childhood that no child should ever have to live. He stole my dreams, Lucas. He took my self-belief, my self-esteem. He took every-damn-fucking-thing I had, and he destroyed my heart in the process!”
“So, what? You’re just going to let him win, after all this time? You’re not going to fight for what you truly want?”
“No. Because he had his victory the day he killed my mother. The fight for what I wanted to be ended there.”
She looks to the floor, her body shaking as she cradles her stomach, trying to keep the angst at bay as best she can contain. It fucking drives me wild. She really has no idea how great she is. As a mother, as a lover and as a beautiful being in general. How can one man detonate such a beautiful heart, making her believe things about herself that aren’t true? Confidence has never been too far away with this woman, but the times I’ve seen it stripped from her are the times that that motherfucker has been brought into the conversation and turned her into that terrified infant. It makes my fucking blood boil because even now, after all this time, he has a hold over her and she doesn’t even realise it.
“Dreams are meant to be caught, Tori, not run from.”
“Not this one. Not mine.”
“Are you worried about not being good enough?”
She laughs softly, but it’s still full of emotion as she begins pacing the room. I can see the words trying to come out, but she’s struggling. So, I wait until she’s ready to share them. Standing by the window, she places her hands on the ledge, dipping her head before turning to meet my eye. “That’s the crazy thing about all of this. I’m not worried about not being good enough. I’m terrified of the exact opposite. I’m terrified that someone professional will tell me—like you just have—how good I am. I’m scared that what is on that paper is everything they would want and more. I’m not scared of failing, Lucas, because I’ve done that many times before and got used to that feeling. I’m scared of being great and not being able to cope with that. And I don’t want to sound self-centred in any way because that’s not who I am, but, deep down I know that I am good at what I draw, and that reason alone scares me because other than you and Charlie I don’t feel good about anything else in my life.” The tear that escapes crushes me and it’s now that I know she needs my comfort.
“Come here.”
As she straddles my lap, I cup her jaw, tilting her head so I can kiss her tears away, letting her feel my love for her. All the rage from her has gone; her body relaxes and her breathing controllable. Knowing that I’ve got my Birdy back, I know now I can reassure her. I know she will listen.
“You’re really just going to do nothing?”
“It’s just a dream,” she whispers.
“But it could be your reality. A great reality. Baby, do you really want to be working in clubs for the rest of your life, working by night, missing out on the important parts of your son growing up because you’re sleeping during the day?”
“You know I don’t.”
“Then do something about it. You have a great opportunity here and you’re just going to let it slip through your fingers because of a fear that’s dominated you your entire life. Tori, you have a gift, an achievement that’s looking right back at you and one you should be proud of. You are not that little girl anymore. You are better than what he’s made you believe. You are strong and brave and have a fire in you that's destined to come alive. Grab that with both hands and fuck what anyone else thinks.”
She shakes her head. “I wouldn’t kno
w where to start.”
“No one ever does at first, but we can find a way. You can go to college. Or start up on your own with a sewing machine and a room full of fabrics. You can start anywhere.”
Wiping the tear away, she smiles. “Marcus has already offered to help if I wanted it.”
“You see. He too see’s what you have going here.”
“You really think I can do this?” Her eyes are filled with hope, excitement and wonder. I know she can do this, and I’ll make sure she will.
“Yes. And if, if it doesn’t work out, at least you can say that you tried rather than never knowing if it would have.”
“It’s a huge step.”
“And one I’ll be right beside you on.”
She links her arms around my neck, biting her lips as she takes everything in. “You’re too good for me, Lucas Simmons.”
I grin. “I think it’s more the other way around.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. This is a new start for all of us. And as of tomorrow, we start to build your dream.” I kiss her, lacing my fingers through her hair as our tongues stroke each other. From now on things change. No more ‘what if’s’ no more running, no more hiding in our darkness. Our histories stay where they are—in the past—and our future becomes a top priority. As I close the book, something slips out of the back onto the floor. “What’s this?” I ask, picking it up.
Before she can answer I feel my body freeze as I look at the two people in the image. Anger grips my chest and I try my best to not react to the photo in the way I’m wanting. I try to not think about the chaos that’s currently travelling through my mind faster than I can control. I try to believe that this is just a dream when I know damn well it isn’t. I look down at the discoloured photo once more and hold my breath as I examine the woman in the picture.