Blurred

by Tara Fuller

“Then help me understand.”

  “She saves me,” he said, quietly.

  I cocked my head to the side, trying to figure out what the look on his face meant. “From what?”

  He laughed, bitterly. “Myself. Half the time, I feel like I’m drowning. Even before this. Like I’m in a room full of people screaming my lungs out and none of them can hear me. But Emma…she always hears me. She never lets me sink. She never lets me go, even when I know damn good and well it would be easier for her if she did.” His hands dropped into his lap and he finally gave in and met my gaze again. “But she can’t save me from this.”

  Outside the window, behind him, a shadow slipped like sludge down the glass. Another slid across the hood before disappearing into the night. The desperation seeping out of him was drawing them in like cattle called to feed. He knew they were there. I could tell. But he didn’t let his fear show.

  “No,” I said, softly. “She can’t.”

  Cash pressed his lips together and nodded as if he’d hoped for a different answer but hadn’t expected it. After a silent moment he asked, “What’s it like?”

  “What?”

  His gaze met mine. “Dying.”

  I thought back to the day I left my flesh behind. I’d been so foolish thinking death could give me escape. That it would lead me home. I turned toward the window and blinked away the memories. “It’s different for everyone.”

  “For you,” he said. “I want to know what it was like for you.”

  I bit my lip, fighting the ache swelling in my chest. “It was like being lost. Being lost and thinking I’d finally made it home, only to realize I’d taken a wrong turn, and was still a world away from where I wanted to be.”

  My voice broke and Cash moved across the seat in one swift motion. “Hey…I didn’t mean to—”

  I placed my palm on the seat to scoot away and his fingers accidentally slid over mine. We both froze. If I wouldn’t have known any better, I would’ve said the world stopped spinning in that moment. Everything was so still. So unbearably still and quiet. I stopped breathing, watching Cash’s chest rise with a sharp intake of breath. His eyes focused on his fingers pressing into my flesh, then traveled up until his gaze collided with mine.

  Connection sparked, heating the air between us, making every square inch of my body aware of just how close he was. Cash tilted his head and let his fingers trace a slow, maddening line from my knuckles to my wrist, the look in his eyes so intense my insides fluttered with anticipation. Slowly, his fingers turned my hand over and his thumb rubbed a slow circle against my palm that felt so tight and warm I thought I might explode if he stopped.

  This…this was wrong. Tarik. Think of Tarik. Just hearing his name echo inside my head was enough for me to feel sick with regret. No man should be touching me this way when Tarik couldn’t. I tried to let go of the corporeality, but…I couldn’t. Under his fingers I was solid. Blue smoke twined around my arm, as if it were securing me to him.

  Cash exhaled a shaky breath and I came to my senses, jerking out from under his fingers, snapping the luminescent blue connection binding us together. I rubbed my wrist, where I could still feel his touch like a brand. Power surged uninhibited though my body, allowing me to relinquish my flesh for something less substantial. Something safer. How had he done that? He’d touched me. He’d forced me into corporeality. My eyes widened and the soft glow from them spilled across Cash’s face. What was he?

  “I’m sorry,” he said, brows pulled together as he watched me squirm. “I just…I didn’t know I could touch you. I didn’t know you’d feel so…real.”

  I smoothed my hands over my dress and dropped my gaze to my lap. “Neither did I.”

  When I met his unwavering gaze, the heat there caused the invisible strings between us to pull tighter. He’d touched me. And he looked like he wanted to do it again. He shouldn’t want that, and neither should I.

  A slow heat started to burn at my hip, rivaling the heat throbbing in my chest, under every inch of my skin. The way he was looking at me made me feel like I was on fire with no way to extinguish the flames. I rubbed my thumb over the pearl handle of my scythe, thankful for the interruption. Not the dead. This was Balthazar.

  “I have to go, but I’ll be back.”

  Cash blinked as if he were coming out of a daze. His gaze cut away from mine and he slid back across the seat, putting safe distance between us. He gripped the steering wheel and stared at his hands. After what felt like forever, he leaned over to flip on the music and cranked it up until my ears throbbed. I’m not even sure if he heard it when I said, “Stay safe.”

  Chapter 7

  Cash

  They were out there. Shadows. I hadn’t left the porch light on, so it was too dark to see them, but they were there. I could feel them, cold and consuming, waiting for me. Knowing they couldn’t hurt me as long as I was alive should have made a difference, but it didn’t. Instead, it left me wondering—if they wanted me dead so badly, how long would it take before they took some kind of action that gave them what they wanted?

  I exhaled and squeezed the steering wheel, wishing I hadn’t touched her. That was such a stupid thing to do. But it had been the first time in weeks I’d actually wanted to touch a girl, and I never went that long without touching a girl, let alone wanting to. I told myself it was just curiosity. A sick fascination. But even I knew I was lying to myself. I hadn’t been able to stop myself. Even now, I wanted to do it again. She’d felt warm and deceptively real, her skin so unbelievably right under mine compared to the cheap, empty feeling that went hand in hand with my usual hookups. I’d felt so completely connected to her. Like we’d been there before. It had been enough to put me completely off-balance.

  For a moment, I’d let myself forget what she was. I couldn’t let that happen again. She wasn’t some girl who was going to end up in the back of my Bronco or my heart. She wasn’t even a girl as far as I was concerned. She was the reason I was here, living in the ninth circle of Hell on Earth. Right? I shook my head trying to sort out the emotions running through me. Shadows dripped down the windshield, changing shape as they pooled along the wiper blades. A reaper would have come in handy right about now.

  Screw it. I had to get in this house. I couldn’t sleep in my truck all night. I flipped on the headlights just to make sure my path from the driveway to the front door was clear, and stopped cold. Two beams of light spilled across the concrete drive and landed on…a guy. He stood, arms folded across his chest, caught between the two beams of light. He wore a gray wool coat with the collar turned up and had ash-blond hair that brushed the space just below his eyebrows. His eyes were gray, a shade lighter than his coat, and what looked like a spiderweb of black tattooed lines crept up his neck. Shadows curled around his ankles, giving him the illusion of floating on smoke.

  It was him. The guy from school and the library. I pushed open the door to my Bronco and hopped out onto the driveway, heart racing.

  His gaze shifted from me to a car rolling past the driveway, the neighbors’ noses all but pressed up against the glass. He frowned, watching them until they were over the hill, and muttered, “God, I hate small towns.”

  “You,” I said, approaching him cautiously. “I saw you at the school.”

  The guy looked me up and down with cold, calculating eyes and nodded. “I’m Noah.”

  Thrown by his introduction, I tried to get my bearings. I don’t know what I expected from him, but it sure as hell wasn’t his name. “And I’m Cash, but something tells me you knew that.”

  Noah chuckled and flicked his fingers, shooing the shadows away. To my amazement, they obeyed, scattering to the edges of the driveway, creating a tight circle of darkness around us. “Well, now that the introductions are out of the way, I believe you wanted to talk.”

  “Are you a reaper, too?”

  “No.” A grin curled Noah’s lips. “I’m better. They get an afterlife of slavery with no reward. Do you want to know what I get, Cash?�
��

  I took a step closer, knowing I shouldn’t, watching Noah pull an apple out of his pocket. He took a bite and tossed it into the yard as he swallowed. He swiped the back of his wrist across his mouth and smiled. “I get to live.”

  “Slavery?” I asked. “Who are they slaves to? Balthazar?”

  Noah sneered the second the name passed through my lips. “Yeah. That’s him. He’s got them all on strings. Like freaking puppets.”

  “And what about you?” I shoved my hands in my pockets, trying to snuff out the sparks going off beneath my skin, setting my veins on fire. “What are you?”

  Noah walked a slow circle around me and the shadows mimicked his movement, creating what looked like a cyclone of black oil around us. They slipped through and over each other so quickly, they started to look like a single slithering entity instead of a horde.

  “I’m like you,” he said, effectively stopping my train of thought. “We’re two of a kind, Cash. And believe me when I say we’re a rare kind. You, my friend, are in high demand.”

  I swallowed, watching a shadow slip away from the circling mass and mold itself around one of my boots. Noah’s eyes narrowed into slits and he knelt down in front of me, eyeing the demon. He wrapped his fingers around the shadow’s neck, watching it writhe and hiss under his grip, then tossed it back into the group, where it faded into blackness.

  My breathing calmed as I counted backward from ten under my breath. Anaya said to keep my emotions under control, but that was easier said than done. Noah stood up and looked me over.

  “How…how did you do that?” I asked, feeling something like adrenaline surge through my insides. I flexed my fingers, the skin around them feeling tight and electric. “Why do they listen to you?”

  “You feel it, don’t you?” Excitement lit up his dim features. The black lines stretching up his neck like burned branches pulsed with something dark. “The power. It’s dying to get free from that shell you keep it in.”

  I went stone-still as Noah approached me and turned my hand over. We both stared down at my wrist where the veins had darkened to a deep purple, throbbing as if the liquid inside wanted to burst through the skin. The shadows around us went into a frenzy, hissing, closing the space between us an inch at a time.

  “You’re closer than I thought,” he said. “I would have come sooner, but your reaper girlfriend is always around.”

  I would have corrected him about her being my girlfriend, but it felt ridiculous to clarify it. She was dead, for Christ’s sake. Which left me wondering…

  “You said you’re like me.” I crossed my arms over my chest and Noah’s gaze flicked down to the paint splattered across my arms. “What did you mean by that? Are you dead?”

  Noah groaned and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Labels are only going to confuse you right now. Dead. Alive. None of it applies to you and me. What I can tell you is, there is no one out there that’s going to understand what you’re going through like I do.”

  “Oh yeah?” I said, hearing how skeptical I sounded. “How’s that?”

  “Because I’ve gone through it, too,” he said. “I’ve stood where you’re standing. I’ve been hunted, coerced, manipulated, and now I’m on the other side.” He took a deep breath and raked his fingers through his hair, laughing. “I have to say, they’ve really upped their game, bringing in that hot piece of reaper ass to win you over. They never tried that tactic on me.” He flashed me a knowing grin. “But I guess we all have our weaknesses, don’t we?”

  Distracted, Noah looked around at the shadows that were close enough to blot out every inch of concrete surrounding us. “I’ve got to go. They’re getting restless.” His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly and took a step back, drawing the shadows with him.

  “Look.” His eyes darted around the dark yard. “I want to help you. There’s a lot more to say, but you’ve got to promise me something.”

  I nodded, thinking I might agree to anything to get more answers. To get a sliver of hope. I didn’t know what to think about Noah, but one thing was clear to me. He was offering me some kind of lifeline. Maybe it wasn’t the kind I should be grabbing for, but when it was the only kind being offered, I didn’t want to let it go.

  “You can’t tell anyone about me,” he said. “I mean it, Cash. I know that reaper girl might be pretty. She might be sweet. But there is a side you’re not seeing. If they ever got their hands on me…” His gray eyes darkened and his entire body tensed. “They would destroy me. And don’t think for a minute that they won’t do the same to you. Trust Balthazar and his minions and you’re as good as dust. Vapor. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded again and shoved my hands in my pockets to warm them. “Okay. I won’t say anything.”

  “Good.” Noah smiled. “I’ll see you soon, then.” He gave me a two-finger salute, then disappeared into thin air.

  I stopped cold and spun in a circle. He was…gone. In the sudden absence of him, the shadows slipped and slithered across the ground around me, staining the white concrete black. I swallowed, tripping over my feet as I backed up. I stumbled up onto the porch, knocking a potted plant over, and pushed through the front door. When I got inside, the house was sleepy and dark. Dad’s car was gone. At least I wouldn’t have to hear it from him. After him catching me ditch class today, I’d kind of expected him to come home just to torture me. But that was something a good parent would have done. I grabbed the yellow note off the fridge and read Dad’s chicken scratch.

  Pulling an all-nighter tonight. Big case next week. You have an appointment with Dr. Farber at 9:00 a.m. Be home in the morning to pick you up. Don’t even think about skipping out.

  Dad

  I crumbled the paper and tossed it into the trash. He was really doing this. Making me see a shrink. After what I’d seen tonight, I wondered if maybe that’s exactly what I needed. I felt dizzy from the thoughts racing around my skull like a speedway. What was Noah? Could I trust him? He said I was like him, yet he was obviously scared of Anaya and anyone like her. What did that say about me?

  I turned my hand over and touched the veins pulsing under the skin of wrist. There was a better question that I needed answered. What the hell was I? Remembering the darkness that lived under Noah’s skin, I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. My T-shirt was damp with sweat so I tore it off and headed for Dad’s office. It’s where he kept his good bourbon. Dad said it tasted like a little slice of heaven. I thought it tasted like lighter fluid, but hey, at least it made me numb and sleepy. At this moment in my life, that’s all that really mattered. I filled one of Dad’s fancy glass tumblers and downed it all in one drink, then poured another and did the same. My throat burned, but by the time I made it to my bedroom and kicked off my shoes, everything felt warm and tingly. Nice. I left my jeans on and fell back onto my bed, watching the ceiling spin.

  I couldn’t sleep. How was I ever supposed to sleep again after all of this? Especially when part of me was terrified that it would be that scary-ass blade of Anaya’s waking me up, or shadow demons waiting to suck the soul out of my eye sockets. I turned over on my side and watched shadows move across the wall. Sometimes, when my brain was fried from paint fumes and booze like this, I couldn’t tell the difference. The easiest thing to do was close my eyes and pretend they weren’t there.

  I was inches away from the escape that sleep would provide when something pinged off my window. I flinched and sat up, rubbing my eyes, wondering if it was Anaya. Hoping it was Anaya and hating myself for it. I wasn’t even sure if I should trust her at this point. Another tap. This time from a set of fingers. I climbed out of bed and pushed open the window. Emma stared back at me, her hair orange from the glow of the security light outside. I sighed and moved out of the way so she could climb in.

  “What are you doing here?”

  Emma pulled herself through the window and pushed the hair out of her face.

  “I need to talk to you.” She clutched a b
ag to her chest and looked around the room as if she was expecting to see someone there. Then it dawned on me that she was looking for a girl. She had no idea how much things had changed. When she realized we were alone, she pulled out a thermos and a paper bag that smelled like cookies. It would have been a hell of a lot easier to let her go if she’d stop trying to take care of me, reminding me why I loved her so damn much.

  I fell back onto the bed and sighed. “About what? I thought we covered everything. You’re dating Death and I’m being stalked by shadow demons.” I peeked at her under my arm. “Does that cover it? Oh yeah, and now a reaper for Heaven is babysitting me like there’s a freaking countdown clock to death stamped on my forehead. But hey, at least she’s hot. Could be worse, right?” I carefully made sure to leave Noah out of it. Maybe I didn’t know everything about him, but he was the one offering me actual answers. I wasn’t about to jeopardize that.

  “Wait.” Emma’s brows furrowed and she narrowed her blue gaze on me. “A reaper showed herself to you?”

  I nodded and she sank down onto the bed beside me, looking so much like the worried little girl who used touch the space between my eyebrows and tell me everything would be okay when I was missing my mom the most.

  “Who is she?” she asked. “What does she want with you?”

  I pressed my lips together, trying to keep it in. She couldn’t help me. Why did she even want to know? In the end, my need to tell her everything inside me won out. “Her name is Anaya. She’s been following me since the fire. She just showed herself to me today.”

  “Anaya?” Emma shook her head, staring down at her lap. “And what does she want? Tell me exactly what she said.”

  I probably shouldn’t mention that I’d practically tried to feel the girl up. That I couldn’t get her out of my head. That even now, there was something in my chest aching over the fact that she’d been hurting and she wasn’t here now. God, how far would I have let it go if she hadn’t stopped me from touching her? Yeah, she was hot, and sort of sweet, but she was also dead. Maybe Dad was right. Maybe I really did need to get my head checked.