The Fraternity Files

by Stephanie Joeline Kerfoot

  Matt shut the door behind him and pressed his hands to his face as a surge of emotion overcame him. After a moment, he moved to the sink, filled it with cold water and splashed the cool liquid against his warm cheeks, contemplating his pallid complexion in the tiny cracked mirror. What would Jason say if he was here? He bit his lip as he turned the water off. Well, it had to be done. He knew that. A serious infraction such as the one Ryan had committed demanded a serious punishment to go with it. Even Jason couldn’t argue with that. Then again . . . .

  ‘But he is our little brother!’ Matt could just hear the indignant lecture now. ‘How could you, Matt? How could you stomach this?’ ‘It was the decision of the council!’ Matt’s inner voice argued. ‘Someone had to carry it out, and Steve certainly wasn’t going to be up to it. Would you have preferred Ryan to be summoned before the council for punishment? Or perhaps you would have been with those hounding us to call another Meeting. Maybe, after all the time we’ve spent with him, you would have liked to see him relinquish the presidency? Is that what you want, Jay? Because that’s the position we were in!’ ‘Why get the council involved at all, Matthew? You know my feelings about that!’ ‘Yes, I do know your feelings on the matter, Jay. You’ve made them very plain on more than one occasion, but there are times when its involvement is an unavoidable necessity. You know that!’

  Another wave of emotion rolled over Matt as he realized he was having a full blown argument in his head, and tears stung his eyes. The truth was he wanted his older brother’s advice. For nearly a month now, Matt had been the rock solid one, the one all his brothers had leant on. He knew Jason wouldn’t be happy with the situation, but he could have taken some of the pressure off at any rate. He sighed. There was no sense playing the ‘what if game.’ The fact was he was the only one here. His brothers needed him, and he would see them through this.

  He opened the cupboard beneath the sink and pulled out the shallow white basin he had placed there weeks ago. He had never had any doubts as to the condition his little brother would be in after enduring such a punishment. He and Steve had fought hard for their little brother when the council was convened, harder than they had even let on. To say that the cane was not their first choice was a complete understatement of the matter. They had, in fact, been vehemently opposed. The first meeting had nearly come to blows, and Steve had been on the point of relinquishing his own position more than once. When Matt and Steve had both flatly refused the Mandatory Meeting, the cane had been raised as a possibility, but the council had originally proposed that the sentence be carried out in their presence. All hell had broken loose then. He and Steve had once again refused to consider such an idea and accusations of favoritism had been quick to fly. A few had stood with them (enough to keep the motion from passing), but any close friends Ryan and Danny had on the council had been excluded from these proceedings.

  Things had gotten extremely ugly and Steve himself had at one point been threatened with eviction. This was as close to a “compromise” as they had gotten and Matt, after hours of debate, had finally caved in. The only way he would allow it to occur, he had insisted, was if he and Steve were allowed to carry it out in private. His had been the swing vote that allowed the motion to pass and Steve had been furious with him. Matt had known in his heart, however, that no good would come of further argument, and weeks of exhausting, emotionally intense conversation had finally brought Steve round to the same point of view. They had done the best for their little brother that they could, the best that any big brother could do.

  Matt sighed as he took a fresh wash cloth from the basket sitting on the back of the toilet. He filled the basin with cool water, and then, opening the door he made his way carefully back to his little brothers. Steve, now collected for the most part, was still kneeling on the floor next to Ryan, his hand rubbing gentle circles on his little brother’s back. Ryan had his face in the pillows. He was still crying, but he too had calmed considerably. “How we feelin’, Bro?” Matt inquired gently as he set the basin on the nightstand.

  “Like shit!” Ryan sobbed into the cushions.

  Matt bit his lip. ‘What a stupid question!’ he berated himself as he pulled up a chair and sat down. He turned on the small lamp so he could see better, and then looked at Steve as he took the wash cloth in his hand, dipped it in the water, and wrung it out. “You might want to sit up there with him,” he suggested softly, indicating the couch. Steve nodded and without hesitation moved up to sit by his little brother. Placing a pillow against his chest, he gathered Ryan in his arms and Ryan clung to him.

  “I’m sorry!” he choked. “I’m so sorry for everything!”

  “I know, Bro,” Steve reassured, softly. “I know. It’s over now. You’re ok.” Steve hugged his little brother close and Ryan let go, unleashing now weeks’ worth of pent up emotion. “Shhhh . . . . It’s ok. You’re ok . . .,” Steve crooned. Ryan was unable to hear any of the words his big brother was saying, but he found comfort, all the same, in his gentle tone.

  Without a word, Matt placed the wet cloth back in the basin. The physical wound cleaning could wait. The cleansing that was taking place now was of a much more important kind. For the better part of an hour, Ryan cried, and Steve held him, whispering in tones not even Matt could hear. Matt waited through that entire time, watching his two younger brothers with quiet affection from the side, and giving them the time to themselves that they so sorely needed.

  Finally, Ryan began to calm again under the soothing attention from his older brother. It was only when the emotional storm had passed completely, however, that Matt finally picked up the wash cloth once more and began the slow, painstaking process of cleaning the welts. He took great care to be as gentle as possible, dabbing the blood away with the cloth and trying his best not to aggravate the open wounds, but at times it was unavoidable.

  “Sorry, Bro, sorry,” he soothed each time Ryan winced.

  Steve was still holding his younger brother close and he tightened his arm each time Ryan gritted his teeth. “It’s ok, Bud,” he assured, “it’s ok. It’s almost over.”

  Ryan himself was overcome by a mixture of emotions he could not even understand at the moment. He was exhausted more than anything, sad, embarrassed, remorseful, angry, hurt, relieved, comforted, and in some odd way, content. Strangely in fact, weary contentment was the dominant emotion of the moment. His brothers were being exceptionally attentive, and despite the great physical pain he was feeling, their comforting words and thoughtful gestures brought him great peace of mind. It was over. He had been forgiven and things would be ok, now. The throbbing pain was beginning to subside some. The cool cloth was feeling good to his battered skin. He yawned and nestled closer to Steve as he felt his brother’s fingers brushing lightly once more through his hair. His eyes began to droop and as he was drifting off, he thought for the first time of his little brothers. ‘I hope they’re ok,’ he worried. ‘I hope Danny is ok . . . .’ The thought had barely crossed his mind before sleep overtook him. Lulled by his brother’s soft voice and gentle touch, he could keep his eyes open no longer and before he had a chance to wonder anymore about his younger brothers he was asleep.

  Steve met Matt’s eyes as Matt quietly turned off the lamp. “It’s the best thing for him,” Matt whispered and Steve nodded. Matt pulled down the light cotton blanket that was draped over the back of the couch and loosely covered his sleeping younger brother, tucking the end of the blanket between the wall and the couch and creating a makeshift tent, being careful all the time not to let the blanket touch the tender area.

  When he was finally satisfied that his little brother was as comfortable as he could make him, he turned again to face Steve. “I’m going to go check on the other two miscreants,” he said softly, “and make sure they’re ok. I’m sure Danny’s getting ready to break the door in.” Steve swallowed and nodded. He also was worried about his two youngest brothers. “When I come back, we are going to clean and bandage those hands of
yours, ok?” Steve nodded again and tears slipped slowly down his cheeks as he looked at the nasty purple and red marks left by Ryan’s nails. He hadn’t really considered them before. The little pain they caused him was nothing to what his heart had been through today. And anyways, he felt like he deserved it.

  “Hey,” Matt’s voice derailed the train of self-deprecating thought that was just beginning to form, and Steve looked up at him, tears glistening in his eyes. “You did great,” Matt whispered. Steve nodded and wiped at his tears as he felt his big brother’s hand on his shoulder. “I’ll be back soon,” Matt assured softly, “and we’ll talk more then, ok?” Steve nodded again, afraid to test his voice, and as he snuggled down closer to Ryan, Matt turned towards the door. He hated to leave, but his two youngest brothers needed somebody and the quicker he got Danny and Kevin settled, the quicker he could return to his own little brother, and some much needed quality time.

  He turned one more time, as he stepped through the door, but Steve was no longer looking his way, and tears were streaming down his cheeks now as he cuddled Ryan close. Matt bit his lip, and paused, his hand on the curtain. He knew how much self-blame was in those tears, but that discussion would have to wait. It would do no good to try and get into it now. Decidedly, he drew the curtain closed and headed for the door leading to the bedroom. He paused once more as he reached it, and pressed his ear to the wood. Everything seemed quiet, too quiet. He sighed. What would he find on the other side of the door? He knew better than to equate the silence with any kind of encouraging or positive sign. ‘With those two, it’s more likely to be the calm before the storm,’ he thought drolly, and the next moment he opened the door.

  File Fourteen

  Reflections Prompted

  By a Proverb

  From “To a Mouse”

  By: Robert Burns

  But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane,

  In proving foresight may be vain:

  The best laid schemes o' mice an' men

  Gang aft a-gley. 40

  An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain

  For promised joy.

  Matt had been prepared for anything when he opened the door. Kevin and Danny would mow him down (or try to) he was sure in their efforts to get to Ryan. He was prepared to deal with that. He was prepared to deal with the screaming tantrums, the expletives, the seething rage he was sure they would unleash on him. He was not prepared, however, for the situation that was now facing him.

  A thick blanket of silence still hung in the air and quietly Matt drew a chair up beside the bed where both his younger brothers lay motionless, their heads shoved as far under the pillows and blankets as they could go. Except for the slight movement of the bed spread as their shoulders rose and fell, Matt would not have been sure at all that either of them was breathing. He leaned on his knees and looked thoughtfully at them, hoping he would not have to speak first. He really didn’t know what to say.

  Several minutes passed in this manner and Matt began to grow anxious. It was so hard to begin. He didn’t want to say something that would only make things worse and he had no clues to help guide his words. ‘What had they heard? How much? What could he possibly say/do to make it better?’ It would be so much easier if they were raging at him. That he could handle. “Are you guys all right?” he asked softly at last. It was a moment before he got any response at all, but finally, Kevin took his head out from under the pillows and turned his face towards him. Matt swallowed hard as he looked back into the puffy red eyes. “Hey, Bud,” he greeted gently.

  “Is it over?” Kevin whispered hoarsely, hugging the pillows to his chest.

  “Yeah, Bud, it’s over,” Matt assured quietly.

  “Is he ok?” Kevin choked.

  “Yeah, Bro. He’s all right.” Kevin pressed his face back into the pillows, and there was once again nothing but silence. “Tell me what you’re thinking guys,” Matt urged softly.

  “YoudontwannaknowwhatImthinking,” Danny’s muffled sob was the only answer he got and it was nearly unintelligible but Matt, knowing his younger brother as he did, was able to piece the words together.

  “Yes, I do, Dan,” he replied quietly. “Tell me.”

  “No! I’ll just get in more trouble!”

  Matt bit his lip. He certainly didn’t want his younger brothers to be afraid to tell him how they were feeling. He was a big proponent of open communication. He was going to have to try and teach them all the difference between being honest and being disrespectful. “You won’t get in trouble, Dan,” he assured, now. “Not as long as you speak to me respectfully.”

  “Well, I’m not feeling very respectful, right now!” Danny protested as he finally emerged from under the blankets to glare at his brother.

  “Ok, Bro,” Matt returned gently. “It’s ok that you’re upset with me. I expected that you would be.”

  “I just don’t know why you had to do that to him!” Danny sobbed. “Why, Matt? I’m the reason he’s in trouble! He was just trying to protect me!”

  “And they were both just looking out for me!” Kevin added from his own stack of pillows.

  “If you were going to cane anyone, it should have been me!” Danny continued as if Kevin had not spoken. “I’m the one who can’t seem to keep my big fat mouth shut!”

  “Ryan went after Mcarthy twice,” Matt replied simply.

  “Yes and both times it was because of me!”

  “He went after him twice?” Kevin turned his head on the pillows again to look tearfully at Matt and Matt nodded. “When?” Kevin demanded. “When was the other time?”

  “Right before the last playoff game, in the locker room. Mcarthy was giving Danny a hard time and Ryan lost it. Fortunately Steve was there to prevent any major disasters but it certainly didn’t help Ryan’s case today.”

  “But it was because of me! He was trying to protect me!” Danny insisted once more.

  “Do you blame Kevin for what happened in the common room?” Matt demanded.

  “No! Of course not!” Danny responded as Kevin stuffed his head under the pillows again. “He wasn’t even there and I made those bad decisions. Not him!” Matt raised his eyebrows, and Danny added quickly, “But it’s different!”

  “Oh yeah? How so?”

  “It just is!” Danny snapped.

  “Weren’t you trying to protect Kevin?”

  “Yes, but . . . .”

  “And wasn’t Ryan trying to protect you?”

  “I know but . . . .”

  “No ‘but’s’ Little Bro. It’s the same thing. I know everyone’s intentions were good and I know no one meant for things to escalate the way they did, but they did, and we had no choice but to deal with it as the serious matter it is. You guys have to understand that, good intentions or not, you can’t go knocking people around like that!”

  “Well what about Mcarthy? It’s ok for him to just say whatever he wants!? To do whatever he wants? It’s ok for him but not for us?”

  “No, of course not,” Matt replied. “Of course it’s not ok. He has to play by the rules too. But it gets tricky when it’s just words. Because he is the older one, you guys do not have a lot of room for retaliation. That’s just how it is. You have to try and ignore him whenever possible and not let him get to you. Every time you respond, he’s getting just exactly what he wants. If you can’t ignore him, you can respond verbally. I don’t think anyone would argue your right to defend yourselves that way, but if it reaches a certain level you have to walk away and let us deal with it; let Steve deal with it. The moment you throw punches you take our leverage away too.

  Do you understand?”

  “I guess,” Danny sobbed, but he didn’t sound too sure and Kevin didn’t respond at all; he just hugged the pillows tighter.

  “Listen guys,” Matt began as the silence grew once more. “I understand how hard this is . . . .”

  “No you don’t!” Danny challenged. “You don’t understand! How can you pos
sibly understand? Have you ever been caned? Do you even remember what that fucking paddle feels like??”

  “Language,” Matt reminded.

  “Sorry,” Danny huffed. “But do you??” A long moment went by as Matt just gazed at his brothers. They were entering uncomfortable territory here. These were things he didn’t like to remember let alone talk about. He didn’t generally talk about such things to anyone except . . . well, except to Jason, who had seen him through some incredibly difficult moments. Steve might be aware of some of those stories. In fact, Matt was sure his younger brother knew all of them, but Matt had never talked in depth about any of his punishments, and had never shared his feelings about them. If he didn’t want to talk about it with Steve, he was even more reluctant to talk about it with his two youngest brothers. He was quiet for so long that Danny and Kevin finally turned their heads once more to look at him. They looked searchingly at their big brother, but they did not push. The look on Matt’s face told them not to, and there were times when even they knew better.

  “Yes,” he replied softly at last. “Yes, I remember how the paddle feels.” He hesitated as he continued to hold his little brothers’ eyes. “And,” he finally went on, “believe it or not, I have been caned before. Not by the fraternity,” he added quickly as shock replaced the accusing expressions on Danny and Kevin’s faces.

  “When did you get caned?” Kevin demanded, unable to help his curiosity.

  “It was a long time ago, Bro,” Matt replied.

  “But when?” Kevin persisted.

  “And why?” Danny piped up at last. He too was intrigued and couldn’t help asking.