by Ellie Fox
ADAM
PRESENT DAY
We had been sitting in the bathtub for hours. We had also fucked and fucked and fucked. It was insane. Like being high but this was no normal high. This felt like heaven.
“That was… something,” I said.
“It was,” Rho agreed.
We were up to our shoulders in suds. I was exhausted but in a good way. I could feel Rho behind me, feel his warmth. It felt nice.
I didn’t realize how much I missed him. With Rho every time was better than the last.
Rho rubbed my shoulder. “We are pretty good at sex, aren’t we?”
“I guess.”
“It's like when something just fits together perfectly. It’s almost crazy.”
“Yeah.”
“Why don’t you move in?” Rho said. “I want to feel you next to me every morning, and when I come home from work.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea right now.”
He nuzzled my back. “Don’t you think it would be good to go back to what it was? Don’t you like this?”
“I do like this,” I said. “But I don’t know if it’s possible for me to just hit the reset button and start going through life like nothing happened.”
“Why do you have to be so stubborn?”
I pulled myself away and stepped out of the tub, but he grabbed my arm. “When will you stop punishing me?” he said. “I just need to know how long you’re going to keep doing this?”
“Doing what exactly?”
“Keeping me at arm’s length, constantly pushing me away! I’m not even allowed to ask why you weren’t picking up the phone for a whole damn day!”
I stood there for a long time cursing myself for hurting him. I was torn between allowing my heart to take over, fuck the consequences, or to let my brain be in charge for once and do it right.
“A lot is at stake,” I told him. “I don’t want to go soft now. I’m sorry but I can’t give you what you want, Rho! Not until… not until I…”
“Become the hotshot rich mob guy you’ve always wanted to be.”
Still holding my arm, he stood. “I can’t be with anyone else,” he said. “Fucking someone feels wrong and after the Brandon incident, I haven’t touched anyone, I can’t even think about cheating on you. I know you’re the same,” he added, “I know you’re just as faithful to me, Adam. I know you will never do that. I trust you.”
Fuck. I felt my heart was about to burst.
Plenty of times, I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t find the words. When my eyes teared up Rho mistook it for sadness. But it was guilt. It was all just self-hate. If something awful happened I would deserve it. But all that happened was Rho taking me in my arms.
I thought of all the times Rho had saved me. But what had I given him in return? This shell of a person was hollow. Without a soul. I didn’t know how to get my soul back.
Before today, I was with Marcus. You don’t need a soul in hell. You only needed to fake having one. That’s probably what I’d started to do with Rho. It started out that way, but it wasn’t enough.
I couldn’t do this to Rho.
He deserved better.
“I love you, Adam.”
Maybe there was a way.
If not for me then for him.
I needed to get my soul back. Even if that meant I going to the deepest recesses of hell.
RHO
ONE YEAR AGO
“This isn’t your fault,” Jace was doing a bad impression of being okay with everything even though he clearly wasn’t.
“Just because you say it a million times,” I said. “Doesn’t make it true.”
“Boss, he’s a nut job. You know that!”
I glared at him and he finally stopped from speaking any further on the subject.
“I think Marcus has something to do with it,” Liam said. “Something’s not right. He called me before… I mean… we talked, and he seemed a bit down, but I thought it’s because he was tired.”
“You talked to him?” I turned to Liam. “Did he say anything?”
“Well, he was talking like he wanted to say something… but he couldn’t go through with it.”
“If he won’t tell us then we need to find out what’s going on.” I had barely finished my sentence, when I saw Marcus in the distance, walking toward us in the hospital hallway flanked by two of his men.
He ignored us at first and looked at the sleeping figure on the bed, visible through the glass of the waiting area. “How’s he doing?”
Liam was the first to respond. “They saved him but he’s not stable yet.”
“He could still die?”
Liam was at a loss for words, so I chimed in. “He could,” I said. “Because they haven’t identified the substance he overdosed on. They checked for all the usual stuff. It’s almost like someone gave him something that’s unidentifiable in screening.”
“Who could have done such a thing?” Marcus finally turned to me.
“Someone who could control him. Obviously. He must have been in a position where he didn’t think he had a choice.”
“Who knows what these kids are taking at the clubs these days,” Marcus said. “Hard to keep a track. Could be any one of those designer drugs.”
“Right,” I said, walking toward him. “Can I ask you something?”
“Go ahead, Rho. What’s on your mind?”
“How did you know Brandon overdosed?” I said. “I mean, it’s not like it was on the eight-o clock news! How did you know when and where to come to see him? We haven’t told anyone.”
He smirked. “You’re asking the wrong questions,” he said. “You should be asking yourself why a kid in your care seems to be constantly hurting himself? Are you not good to him? If I were you, I’d be careful. You never know when one of your actions might be the reason for an innocent death.”
There it was. Marcus Troy at his best and most devious. I knew I couldn’t push the matter. It might affect Adam. Or Brandon. Who knew what this man was capable of. I had to force myself to keep my anger in check.
Marcus gestured to his men and they all started to walk away from us.
“Sometimes, I want to run,” Liam said. “Just leave and never come back.”
“Yeah? And where the fuck will you go? I’ve done that Liam. I stay because I know how shitty the world outside is. You just have to learn how to navigate.”
I turned to Liam. “There’s something I need to do,” I said. “I won’t be long. Will you two keep an eye on him?”
“Okay,” Liam said. “But where are you going?”
“I’m going to find out what it was he took.”
“How?”
“We’re a bunch of mobsters and drug dealers,” I said. “There can’t be a lot of chemists who make party drugs. I’ll find them all.”
“Let me go with you,” Jace said. “I know someone who makes them, we can start there.”
I looked at Brandon one last time. I knew I failed him. But maybe it wouldn’t happen again if I found the underlying cause of this. “Let’s go.”
ADAM
PRESENT DAY
The elevator came to a stop on the second floor and wouldn’t move. It wouldn’t open either. I kept pushing the buttons uselessly but nothing. Shit. I was stuck. Staying in a cramped little box for an endless amount of time was not something I was looking forward to. I was getting better at dealing with my claustrophobia, or at least at hiding it, but that only worked for about fifteen minutes. After that, I would be back to panic attacks and stomach churning. I tried to make a call but there was no cell reception.
Fuck.
Suddenly, there was a whirring and the elevator started moving again. Thank FUCK. I pressed the button for the tenth floor, but on the display, the only number flashing in red was 26. I kept hitting the buttons, but the elevator was going up rather speedily, without making any stops. I told myself it was no big deal. That anywhere it stops I can just walk to my floor. I guess I
wasn’t that convincing because I kept freaking out. By the 21st floor though, I managed to find some peace. This is nothing, Adam. You can do this. It’s going to fucking stop eventually and you can get off.
I waited patiently.
As expected, at the 26th floor, the moving box finally stopped moving. Okay, no big deal. The door will open any second now…
Nothing.
I waited for another ten minutes before banging on the door. It did nothing of course. I was stuck. I was stuck in a fucking box that wasn’t even moving anymore.
But someone would realize that elevator is not working, this is a fucking skyscraper, people are going to want to go up or down at some point. I bet someone’s already fixing it, right now. Any minute now the door will open—
It did.
The door was finally open.
But I wasn’t alone.
“Will you be coming with us on your own feet, or do I have to use this?” the man with the handgun said.
“I'll go.”
The second one grabbed my arm and dragged me away from the elevator bank. “Smart choice,” he said.
BRANDON
ONE YEAR AGO
I woke up in a dim lit room that was silent except for the machines.
I looked around.
There was no sign of Rho, but Liam was sprawled uncomfortably on a chair, and he must have dozed off. The way he looked, it made me smile. I was happy to see his face. But I didn’t dare wake him.
I was still groggy and extremely dizzy. I felt like my insides were on fire. I ripped off the IVs and sat up on the bed. I lowered my legs to the floor, but every movement hurt. I felt extremely weak. Somehow, I made it to the door but before I could go further, someone grabbed me and placed a hand over my mouth. “Keep quiet,” the man whispered.
I knew who he was even though my vision was a little blurry. I nodded. He handed me a pair of jeans and a shirt to wear. I got out of the hospital clothes and into the regular set of clothing, and we started walking.
“Ian—” I tried to speak but he shut me down.
“Just zip it,” he said. “You can talk all you want to your boyfriend Marcus.”
A shiver ran down my spine. “Marcus… is… here?”
“What did you think? He wouldn’t come see you in such a difficult time?” I could hear the mocking tone of his voice. He was always making fun of me, I hated it. But I could never stand up for myself. There was no point.
We walked out of the hospital without interruptions and Ian led me to a limo. He stayed outside, and I got in. Marcus was in the backseat. I sat across from him. I was scared shitless, but I also felt strangely relieved to see him.
“How’re you holding up, Bran?” He said. “God, I’m glad to see you! I’ve been so worried. I mean I knew that doze wouldn’t kill you but still… anyway, we’re going to take care of you.”
“I’m… okay.”
“You really did it,” he said. “You have no idea how much you just helped me. You should have seen Rho’s face, he was worried about you!”
“He was?”
“Yes, Bran. It’s going exactly according to plan. All thanks to you.”
I didn’t know what to say. Marcus wasn’t done. “You know I love you, right?”
Okay, I knew that was an outright lie. I was still in shock though. Didn’t know what I was supposed to feel. But that was still an outright lie. “What about Adam?” I retorted.
Marcus sighed. “Adam is an asset. If I keep him around, I’ll get a great return on it.”
“The Russian?”
He nodded. “Weird, isn’t it?” he said. “That Russian bastard has all the power in New Jersey and he’s still pining for the boy who doesn’t want him.”
Was it good or bad that no one was pining over Brandon?
“Adam’s just business,” Marcus said. “He’s not like you. He can never be you. He could never do what you did today, or every damn thing you’ve done for me in all this time, Bran.”
Suddenly, my heart couldn’t take it anymore and the tears came bursting through. Marcus came and hugged me. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry, Bran.”
“I don’t know how long I can do this!” I couldn’t get myself to stop. I couldn’t stop clinging to him. It felt right. If it didn’t ever stop being this way, then all of it wouldn’t matter. I would even forget the pain and the misery just to have this…
“You won’t have to keep up this charade for long,” Marcus said. “I promise.”
“Please don’t make me sleep with him—” I cried. “Please!”
Marcus kept holding me. “It's just for a while, I told you.”
I knew it was futile to beg. I knew it was a lie. But it felt so good I couldn’t stop. “Bran,” he said at last. I looked up. He was looking at me in that way… the look that always brought back every desire in me. And then he kissed me.
I didn’t ever want this moment to be over. But I knew any minute now, reality would hit me, and I would be thrown back in hell.
“Bran,” Marcus said. “I booked us a nice suite. Thought maybe we could spend the next few days with me. I’ve missed you.”
I must not have heard that right.
That was the only explanation.
Marcus couldn’t have possibly asked me to spend a few days in a hotel?
“You really want me to…”
He reached into his pocket for a key card. “What do you say?”
“W… what about Rho…” to be honest I was more concerned about Liam. He would find me gone and he’ll be miserable. I wasn’t even sure Rho would care. Even though Marcus kept saying that he did.
“Let him be worried,” Marcus said. “It fits into our plan. Besides, you’ve been tortured enough. You deserve a break.”
Our plan. Break. I love you, Bran.
Relief swept through me.
I felt a strange kind of freedom. Not having to let Rho touch me because he thought we were in a relationship, not having to seduce him half the time, not having to keep myself from wincing every time we touched… yes. A break would be so good. I would be grateful. Even if it meant I would go back to all of it again, I wouldn’t to deal with it right away.
Just a break.
With Marcus, who looked as handsome as the first day we met. Even better. I remembered how good it was… how it almost felt like magic. Not only was Marcus great in bed, he had that mysterious vibe that always made men hotter. Or at least that’s how it was for me.
Who doesn’t love a bad boy? All reserved and mysterious and when he picks you over everyone else, it’s like you own the world.
What your brain doesn’t tell you, is what happens when he stops calling. When you find yourself alone again, and the world is ripped out of your hands because you weren’t worthy. And you know that it was your fault. You’re the reason it didn’t last.
So, you do everything.
You do everything to get him back. Because without him everything seems pointless anyway. You find a reason to get him to fuck you once. Even if it’s just a stupid booty call, you fool yourself. You say it was more than just a drunk call at three in the morning when he was out of options. You don’t want to believe you were probably last on his potential fuck list. You tell yourself you’re destined to be together, even when he continues to be hot and cold, evasive, and then suddenly appears to brighten your day, only you know the dark is coming. A darkness that gets worse every time he leaves or does something horrible. You know the lie. You know but you keep falling for it, the bright light just feels so good...
“Bran? You want to come, right?”
I gave a nod of my head because I was too overwhelmed to speak.
The bright light. It was back.
Pulling me back in.
ADAM
PRESENT DAY
Walking through the hallway like there wasn’t a weapon nudging you in the back, was easier than I thought. All the people walking past us seemed clueless anyway. Talk about hiding i
n plain sight. I was trying not to freak out, but it wasn’t working. No one even knew where I was, not even Rho. It’s not like I was going to tell every one of my whereabouts every five seconds. That’s the thing with being back with Rho—I was starting to get back in the habit of checking in with him. What was that about?
“Wait here,” we came to a stop in front of the gates and one of the guards came to the stop. The gates would lead to a conference room or something, I was guessing. I was right. The man with the gun pushed me in the direction of the empty boardroom. Right in front of me was a chair, and there was someone sitting on it, his back turned to me.
It was a back I would recognize in a million backs.
The only family I had.
“I was wondering when you were going to show up,” I said, casually walking up to him. This is what I had prepared for. This was it. Do or die, Adam.
Sergei turned to face me, and he was smiling. “I had a feeling you were missing me.”
“Why didn’t you come to the house?” I said. “We could have had a drink together.”
“Don’t you get tired of fucking my replacements? Marcus first, and then Wade?”
“Is that what you want?” I said, taking off my suit jacket and setting it down on the table. “I should fuck you instead of them?”
“Well, it wouldn’t hurt,” he said. “Might even increase your chances of staying alive to see yourself enjoy the treasure Marcus left you, instead of ending up in a ditch somewhere and the money ending up in Wade’s hands.”
“You want to do it in front of them or alone someplace?”
“Is no one coming to save you then? Not Marcus? Not Wade? Not Ian? Not even Rho? How the mighty have fallen!”
“You’re right. No one will come to save me. And that’s fine. Because I can take care of myself.”
He stared at me for a long time. “I like this look on you,” he said. “This whole tough act. I would have been more impressed if it was actually true, and if you weren’t scared shitless of me still.”