by Ellie Fox
Maybe in time, he would realize how futile his anger is, how destructive. Right now, he didn’t have anything to lose.
It was time to change that.
BRANDON
ONE YEAR AGO
I couldn’t stop staring at the bottle of pills on the bed, set right in front of me.
My eyes were swollen from all the crying and I hadn’t slept in days, not since Marcus told me what I had to do.
I was in Rho's bed, but Rho didn’t love me. I knew that from the very beginning. The only reason I was here was that Marcus forced me to be with the guy. It was torture forcing myself to do the things I didn’t want to do, even if it was a nice guy like Rho who didn’t manipulate people or force them into sleeping with him. Rho Bennett had never destroyed a life.
I knew Marcus was using me. For some reason, I still felt something in my heart for that evil man, who only knew how to use people for his own gain. But back then, I was desperate. I would have done anything for Marcus, if only Marcus loved me back everything would be okay… things wouldn’t be so meaningless, it wouldn’t hurt so much. No matter how much I cried, or screamed, nothing ever changed. I was still trapped.
Rho didn’t even like me that much. He was still hung up on Adam. Just like me, he was going through the motions, doing everything like he wasn’t dying inside. Rho hid it well, but I had a knack for these things. The only reason he was keeping me in this apartment was that he felt sorry for me. Which obviously fell right into Marcus’s plan.
Adam. Marcus wanted him. Marcus loved him. Only him. Rho loved Adam. Everyone loved Adam, and no one loved me. The only person who had come close to liking me, was Liam, Rho’s aide. Yes, I really liked Liam. Liam wasn’t like other people and he was close to my own age. It was different with him. I felt comfortable. If things were not as they were, I would have asked Liam out at least. But that would never happen. Marcus won’t let me, there was no way.
I picked up the bottle and felt its weight sinking me.
Remember what I told you, Brandon. Do this for me and I will make it worth your while. Marcus didn’t say what would happen if I don’t do it, mostly because that part was implied. Think of the worst torture possible. Now, double it. Now triple it and add a dose of mindfuck, humiliation, and physical torment. Then you might get close to what it was like when Marcus wasn’t happy. It wouldn’t be the first time. Suffice it to say it was preferable to swallow a load of sleeping pills than it was to face Marcus’s hell.
I hated what I was doing to Rho. The guy didn’t deserve it. He was a good person. That’s what made it worse when I had to manipulate him for reasons only Marcus understood.
I knew it was part of Marcus’s plan to keep Rho and Adam apart. I knew what Adam was going through but Rho didn’t have a clue. He thought Adam was in heaven, but I knew better. Not long ago, I had been where Adam was now. It was worse because Marcus didn’t love me. Marcus said nothing will happen to me if I swallowed the pills, that I wouldn’t die but what if Marcus was wrong?
My phone started to ring.
It was Liam.
I missed the guy’s voice, so I picked up. “Hey, how are you feeling now?” Liam was asking. No one ever asked me that. Even when I was going through the worst tortures, no one asked me if I was okay. Except for Liam.
“I’m okay,” I lied.
“It’s just… you seemed a bit… down, last night.”
“Right… yeah… just haven’t been sleeping very well.”
“Look, Bran, if something… something’s not right… you will let me know, right? Before…”
... trying to kill yourself.
“Liam?”
“Yeah?”
Words hovered on my lips but didn’t come through. I knew Liam cared about me. I knew how much I was about to hurt him. I hated myself for the lack of the control. Over my own life. What could I possibly say? I’m about to kill myself, come save me? Because I couldn’t say that, I said something else. “Liam… I really like you. And… I really appreciate everything you’ve done, I just wanted you to know that.”
“Bran, you know I will do anything for you.”
Fuck, why did he have to go and say that? That would just make things harder. “Liam… I… I got to go… there’s something I need to do. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
Liam wasn’t convinced. “Listen, if you want I can come over. I’m sure Boss won’t mind!”
The clock’s ticking, Bran. I’m sure you don’t need to be told what happens if you fail.
“Take care Liam,” I said and hung up. If I had any intention of going through with this, I would have to do it before I lose my strength.
I opened the bottle and emptied the contents in my hand, a bunch of tiny blue pills, and grabbed the bottle of tequila on the nightstand. I started swallowing the pills one by one, washing each one down with enough tequila, going a little slow so my stomach could keep them in. What if I die? And would that be so bad anyway? Maybe I could finally have some peace.
I was shivering. My hands were trembling way too much. I took one final sip of the booze and set it down on the floor, next to the bed.
I felt nauseous and stood, so I could get to the bathroom, but the chemicals started to work, and I never made it past the bed.
ADAM
PRESENT DAY
I was standing outside Rho’s apartment.
The moment I’d been dreading came and I couldn’t keep my thoughts on Rho anymore.
Even the outdoor planters were the same. The same hallway, where I’d stood with Marcus. Life had changed so much it was strange being in the same old surrounding. I finally pressed the buzzer.
There was no turning back now. I did everything to ward off the panic attack, but the adrenaline lingered within my brain, not allowing me to feel at ease.
It got a little better when the door opened, and I saw his face. Oh God, he was fucking gorgeous to look at. Even after all this time, how is he able to have this effect on me?
“Its good to see you, Adam,” he let me in and once again I was forced to look around.
Fuck.
That place was like a time capsule. He had kept everything the same. It thrust me into an emotional spiral. Good and bad memories, all flooding through my mind.
“Are you okay?” the concern in his voice was the same too. I turned to face him.
“Fine,” I managed.
“Look, I’m sorry if this place is a bit overwhelming—”
“No. Not at all. And besides. I… I don’t like having weaknesses.”
He looked at me strangely. “I kept everything the way you like.”
“Like you expected me to just walk in and fit the missing piece of the unfinished puzzle?”
“Would that be so bad?” he said. “You’re the only thing missing from me, us, and this house.”
“Houses can’t be trusted. You never know when one’s going to get snatched away. Or people, for that matter.”
“Are you not happy to be here?”
I smiled. “I don’t know what happiness is anymore.”
Rho walked up a single step toward me. “You want to know what happiness is?” he said, placing his hand on my shoulder. I thought he was going to kiss me but instead, he ran his fingers all over my face.
He pulled me closer and nuzzled my neck. “Happiness is the way your skin always smells.”
He gazed into my eyes. “You smell different when you’re sad,” he said. “Different when you’re horny,” he grabbed my crotch.
“Happiness,” he whispered in my ear. “Is feeling your cock getting hard for me.”
I lost control. It wouldn’t be the first time. I grabbed his face and kissed him. We made out for a long time. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt the same need for him that I always felt, the need to have more of him, the need to prolong this moment.
Rho said in a hoarse voice. “Don’t overthink it. Let go.”
I can’t explain what it felt like being in his arms a
gain. It was just so comforting, and not once did I feel anything other than desire. It wasn’t that hard to let go then. I started kissing him again, and he stopped me. He gazed into my eyes and I don’t know why I was hit with a terrible fear. The fear of losing him again. It was impossible not to think of him without being afraid of the consequences. I was trying to protect my heart so vehemently, it was starting to backfire. I was hurting myself by keeping myself alone before anyone else even had a chance.
But when he led me to the bedroom, I wanted to cry for a whole other reason. The whole place was lit up with candles, fresh flowers everywhere. It smelled like… home. I couldn’t make myself move.
“Was this a bad idea?” Rho said. “This was a bad idea right—” I grabbed his lapel and kissed him before he could say anything. I broke off and his clueless expression was amusing.
“It was a terrible idea,” I said.
“Well, then I guess I’ll have to make it up to you.” The feel of his strong hand touching my crotch sent a wave of pleasure through my body. I looked down at his hand and then back into his captivating dark eyes.
He leaned in closer, his hand moved from my crotch to my back and he kissed me. While our tongues explored each other’s mouths, I slid my hand under and rubbed him. My cock felt like it was ready to tear right out of my pants. By the size of his erection, I was certain he felt the same way. I started to undress him by unbuttoning his dress shirt and undid his belt and the button on his fly. I went on my knees and took his cock out of his pants. I stroked his shaft, and Rho took a sharp breath in and exhaled. I stroked him a few more times and looked up at him. He was getting a kick out of this because he grabbed my face in his hands and pushed me toward his groin. “Suck my cock,” he said. “Don’t stop until I tell you to.”
I put my mouth on his cock and started sucking him off. The taste of him, fuck it was unbelievable. By the time I was done, he was rock hard. After a while, he stopped me by pulling my head away. “Enough!”
“What would you like to do now?” I stared seductively up at him. I was aching to be touched by then. It was fucking torture.
“Take off your clothes,” he said, pulling me up.
I got rid of the shirt and the pair of jeans and tossed aside the shoes and the socks. I even stepped out of my tightie whities. He gestured to the bed. “Get over there.”
I got on the bed, right in the middle and started stroking my cock, just to tease him and it worked. I could tell he was dying to take it to the next level. “You like doing this to me,” he said. “Like me wanting to pound your ass so hard you can’t walk for the next few days without thinking about me.”
“Would you?” I grinned.
He looked complacent when he walked up to the bed. He ran a hand over my leg, the calves and then the upper thigh. He was the one teasing me now. I kept one hand on my cock, still stroking. His hand started going all over my groin, the balls, and the sensitive skin underneath, as I opened myself up to his touch. He grabbed my inner thighs and this time, instead of his hand, I felt his tongue on my balls. “Fuck!”
I knew that just spurred him on. He grabbed my legs and positioned them, so he could slide his tongue down my hole, and when he did I was going insane with pleasure.
He ran his tongue all over my balls, the perineum until I was moaning and unable to stop my body from needing more of him. He came up and we kissed. “Do you want to stop or keep going?”
“Does it look like I want to stop?” I was getting a little frustrated with all the foreplay. It was too much teasing, but Rho was being his cocky self again and grinned. “Does it look like I’m done?”
I felt him going back lower, and then I felt his hands on my ass, spreading me and then his thumb was rubbing gently against my hole. I felt his warm tongue prodding me again. It was worse than torture. I felt my dick getting hard enough to cause pain. But Rho wasn’t done. I felt his finger pushing slowly in. He pushed a little harder. I was in ecstasy as he moved his finger in and out.
“I need you inside me,” I couldn’t believe I was groveling.
In perfect sync, Rho stopped with the finger and lifted my legs onto his shoulders. I felt the pressure of his thick head slowly moving past my sphincter. I moaned in a mixture of pain and pleasure and with a final push and he was inside of me. He held it there for a moment allowing me to get used to it. Then he slowly pulled out almost completely, then back to almost his full length inside me. I could feel the head of his cock rubbing against my prostate with each slow thrust.
He started to pick up the pace of his thrusts. The room was filled with the sound of his balls slapping my ass as he pounded me harder. I had never moaned as loud as I did while he filled my ass with his cock. I begged him not to stop. He leaned down, and our lips met again. But this time with more passion. He broke our kiss and I reached down with one hand and started to stroke my cock. I was in paradise as his thrusts matched my strokes.
Rho was breathing heavier and his thrusts became harder and more deliberate. I knew he was about to cum and I was right because the next moment I felt his warm cum coating the insides of my ass. I was already going horny out of my mind, it didn’t take long for me to cum. The feel of his warm cum oozing out of me, feeling him still inside me, on top… I was shooting my load all over my chest within seconds.
He collapsed right next to me on the bed. I could hear his heavy breathing, and I wanted time to just stop and let me have this moment forever.
But time doesn’t stop for anyone.
The minute I reached climax, I was being pushed all the way down to the recesses of hell again. The hell of my own creation this time. The hell where I fucked people who weren’t Rho.
He saw the tears in my eyes and kissed them away. “Talk to me.”
Several times, I came close to saying it, but I guess I was afraid of losing him. Or hurting him. Or both.
“Is it selfish to want to be in heaven when you deserve hell?” I asked.
“Adam, you don’t deserve hell—”
“I can still feel your cum inside me.”
He kissed me. “Whatever it is you think you’ve done—”
“You should have used a condom.”
“It’s you and me, Adam. Nothing’s changed. Nothing has to change.”
“You don’t know—”
“We’re both tested, aren’t we? You don’t trust me enough—”
“No, Rho, I know that. That’s not what’s bothering me. It’s just... I can still feel you inside me!” I don’t know why I was crying then.
He put his arms around me. “I need you to do something for me.”
“What?”
“Remember that day you told me about how your mother blamed you for everything your father did?”
“Hmm.”
“Remember what I told you then?”
“I don’t know.”
“I told you we should forgive ourselves for our fathers' sins. You did. Because you still believed in me. You believed in us. Well, I need you to do something for me now.”
“What?”
“I want you to forgive yourself for your own sins this time.”
I didn’t know what to say. “It’s not that simple.”
“I’m not saying that it is,” he said. “Simple. Or easy for that matter. That’s why I’m asking it as a favor. I’m asking you to believe in us again.”
I felt like anything positive I said in response would be a lie. I tried to pull myself together and broke away from him. “I need to get cleaned up—” but he was keeping me captive in his hold.
“Are you going to wash my cum out of your ass?”
“Maybe.”
“I could do it for you if you want. Just stand under the shower while I clean up the mess in that filthy hole of yours with my fingers.”
“Thank you for that generous offer but I’m fairly certain that I’m capable of washing my own ass.”
“Well, my offer still stands.”
I pulled away an
d this time he let me. He was grinning watching me go to the bathroom. But when I was alone in the shower, tormenting thoughts hit me again.
What the fuck was I doing playing house?
Something touched my back and it startled me. I turned around to see Rho, but my brain was already fighting off a panic attack. I tried to get myself to stop but it wasn’t easy.
“Everything okay?”
“You… um… you startled me…”
“I’m sorry… I was just—”
“I know… I know… it’s fine…”
“Did he ever,” he said. “In the shower, did he...”
I remembered all the times Marcus Troy invaded me and my head without warning. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be thinking about him.”
“Adam, he’s gone. He can’t touch you anymore.”
No, but Wade can. Sergei can. “I don’t know why I can’t just be happy!”
He looked like he was worried. I hated when I forced him to worry. “You’ll find your way to happiness, Adam. I’ll make sure of that.”
For some reason, I grabbed him and kissed him. He turned off the shower. “I could go for another round,” he said, grinning again.
I answered by kissing him harder.
We didn’t even make it as far as the bedroom.
RHO
(ONE YEAR AGO)
I came back from the date with Adam to find Brandon unconscious next to the bed and a bottle of pills on the covers.
Shit.
I couldn’t help feeling like it was my fault even though I tried to be good to him, even though I tried to be… he knows you love Adam. He knows, and he goes through it every day. I tried to wake him up. Sprayed some water on his face, but nothing. I tried to get him to throw up, but he was in a deep sleep.
He was still breathing though, that was a good sign.
I didn’t have a choice.
I called 911.