by Anne Jolin
Ryley put her hands behind her back, real quiet and looked up at Aurora. “No running.”
Aurora nodded. “Go on now. Bet Owen would teach yah how to ride if you wanted.”
Ryley spun ‘round and her blue eyes got real wide. “Really?”
I hopped off the truck, walkin’ over to ‘em and laughed. “Why don’t we see how you’re doin’ with brushin’ ‘em first, sweetheart?”
Wasn’t hard to tell Ryley ain’t been ‘round horses. She hadn’t a damn clue what to do ‘round ‘em.
“Okay.” Her face dropped a little and that hurt my heart.
Aurora looked between us and then pointed toward the tack room. “Do you remember where the brush boxes are?” Ryley nodded. “Why don’t you go and grab the pink one?”
Clearly happy to have been givin’ another task, she took off down the aisle at a very brisk walk.
I was about to follow her when Aurora grabbed my upper arm. “Are you going to take her to see her horse?”
“Her horse?” I frowned. “She ain’t got a horse.”
Crossin’ her arms over her chest, Aurora rolled her eyes. “Gee.” She gestured over at the bigger barn. “That horse been here six months. Ain’t nobody ever been to see him, Owen.”
That was the third time someone brought up that old black mustang in the barn.
“He good?” I asked.
She smiled. Both my sisters were suckers for a horse gettin’ the attention they’d been neglected. “He’s great. I’ve been riding him just about every other day. Just can’t take him out the road on account of his bummed leg.”
I looked into the barn and saw Ryley disappear into the tack room. “He calm?”
“He’s an old guy now, calm as can be.”
Waitin’, I watched her come back outta the room carryin’ a little pink brush box.
“Once we’re done with Lady, we’ll head on up to see him,” I told her.
She threw her arms around my neck, nearly knockin’ off my hand and squeezed the damn near life outta me.
“Thank you,” she whispered, just as Ryley stopped in front of us.
“I got it,” she said proudly as Aurora unwound her arms from my neck.
My sister smiled. “Well, I’ll leave you guys to it then.”
“Let’s not keep her waitin’.” I started into the barn, stoppin’ ‘bout halfway down at Lady’s stall.
Ryley stood up and leaned her head over the door. “She’s your horse?”
“Sure is.” I leaned over the gate, clucked my tongue, and her head came up. “Lady, meet my little lady.”
She neighed, and Ryley went somewhere in her head that I was thinkin’ was pretty close to heaven at hearin’ the sound of my horse. I liked that she was lovin’ spendin’ the day with me. We brushed Lady for ‘bout an hour and took her for some grass down by the trailer but before it got too late, thought it was best we head on up and take a look at that horse of hers.
The new barn was bigger, and after some searchin’, I found him in the stall next to London’s horse, Achilles.
He was hidin’ in the back of his stall, not eatin’ but just standin’ there.
Pickin’ up his leather halter, I seen a brass nameplate dusted over on the side. Aurora musta been usin’ another halter for him when she was takin’ him out. Usin’ my thumb, I wiped the dust off the letterin’. It was worn, but you could still read it.
Hell’s Gate
“Helluva name you got there, buddy.” I looked into the stall.
His ears were twitchin’ while I was talkin’ and somethin’ ‘bout his eyes was hard to look at. That was somethin’ ‘bout horses, they wore their pain in their eyes. Same as people did.
“Can we brush him?” Ryley was askin’ standin’ next to me.
I stepped into the stall and slid the leather halter over his ears.
“We sure can, sweetheart.”
Liftin’ the lead rope, I tied a slipknot into the hook on the wall.
“All right, come on in, but do it real slow now, okay?” I said.
She listened real good, comin’ in and standin’ next to me. “He’s pretty.” Her voice was awestruck in a way that only real horse lovers could ever really pull off.
“He is.”
The horse was old, but he’d been somethin’ strong back in his day and he was still beautiful.
Ryley put her brush box on the ground and pulled out the currycomb. She was startin’ to reach toward him when I stopped her little hand.
“What’s the first thing you need to be doin’ before you’re touchin’ a horse?” I asked.
Her tongue peeked out, the way it did when she was thinkin’ real hard, and then she looked up at me smilin’. “I have to talk to him.”
“That’s my little lady.” I let her hand go and stepped to the side.
“Hey, Gee.” She was speakin’ soft, like London did when she’s talkin’ to horses just like they were people.
The big black horse’s ears twitched and he turned his head a little to see her.
“I’m Ryley.”
Hell, she was cute.
She patted his neck with her left hand like I’d shown her on Lady and started movin’ the currycomb in little circles with her right.
Took her awhile, seein’ as he was so big but eventually she swapped to the dandy brush and the whole time, she never quit talkin’ to him. Leanin’ against the wall, I just watched ‘em unless she needed somethin’.
“I like you,” she told him, runnin’ that face brush down his forehead.
Gee neighed and pushed her in the belly with his nose.
“I’m thinkin’ he likes you too, sweetheart.” I smiled, grabbin’ the hoof pick from her box.
She wrapped those long arms around his head and shoved her face in his neck.
Looked like she was a natural horse girl, just like her momma.
I helped her pick out his hooves and got her a stool so she could reach his mane and tail. ‘Bout thirty minutes later and we were done.
“Can I ride him?” Ryley was practically bouncin’ on those toes of hers.
Brushin’ a piece of her hair that had fallen out of her hat, I shook my head. “Not today, we gotta ask her momma ‘bout that I think.”
She pouted and there it was, tuggin’ on a little space in my heart that only she seemed to find.
“How ‘bout we take him for a little walk instead?”
That seemed to do the trick because there she was smilin’ at me again.
I walked beside her and showed her how to hold him, and before we were even outta the barn, she was practically doin’ it herself. We took Gee up the road a bit to the outdoor ring and after walkin’ next to Ryley until she was comfortable, I let her go it alone.
Didn’t think I’d ever seen her so happy before, just walkin’ in circles with that old horse.
I heard the cruntchin’ of tires on the gravel and looked up to see Rayne’s bug comin’ down the drive.
Sure as a winter day was short I hated that she drove ‘round in that hunk of junk. Kept tellin’ her she was gonna have to take my truck come winter. Wasn’t no way I’d be lettin’ her drive around these parts on those tires.
Tippin’ my hat, I waved at her.
She wasn’t wavin’ back, just drivin’ faster.
“Am I doing it right?” I looked back at Ryley and clapped my hands together real slow.
She was walkin’ Gee ‘round the outdoor ring by herself.
I heard the tires stop movin’ and watched Ryley smilin’ real big for her momma. “Look, Mom. I’m walking him all by myself.”
“Get away from that horse!” Rayne screamed. I turned to see her jumpin’ outta that car.
“But Mom, I’m doing it myself,” Ryley said.
Her voice was prouder than hell. She hadn’t been ready to start ridin’ yet, but walkin’ a horse yourself for the first time was pretty excitin’ for someone who’d just spent their first days ‘round a farm full of horses.
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“She’s been doin’ real good.” I was tryin’ to reassure Rayne, who was lookin’ paler than a ghost.
It was useless. Rayne started runnin’ at the ring. “Ryley, goddamnit, get away from that horse! Now!” she screamed.
That’s when I seen it.
Gee’s nostrils flared at the panic in Rayne’s voice and his muscles got real tense.
“Ryley, sweetheart.” I started walkin’ her way real slow. “I’m gonna need you step away from that horse now, all right?”
She stopped, lookin’ at me and then at her momma. Wasn’t fast enough, though.
Rayne’s cellphone went off in her pocket.
Gee spooked.
I jumped into the ring, but he took off runnin’ like hounds of hell were comin’ after him and Ryley started fallin’.
I WATCHED HER START TO fall.
No.
“Ryley!” I screamed. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest, I could hear it in my head. It was beating so hard it made my vision blurry.
Her hand was still holding on to that lead rope as she hit the ground.
How could I have let this happen?
“Ryley!” Owen called out for her, his boots hitting the ground as he jumped over the fence.
He wasn’t going to make it in time and neither would I.
She fell hard.
My limbs burned with exertion as I tried to make them run faster toward my daughter.
Finally, I watched as her hands let go of the rope and that horse exploded in a way that was so familiar only to me, I was certain the insides of me would break and bleed out into the hog fuel.
I collapsed on the ground next to her.
“Mom.”
I heard her, but I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t answer her. My hands moved over every inch of her body, touching and prodding, making sure she was okay, making sure nothing was broken. That’s when I noticed them, the tears. They were streaming silently down my face.
She tried to sit up. I was too far gone in shock to move now, but he was there to help her.
“Easy does it, little lady.” Owen put an arm under her shoulders and lifted her up. “That was a mighty fine tumble you did there. You feelin’ all right?”
Ryley wrapped her arms around his neck and nodded, but there were tears forming in her eyes.
She was hurt.
She was not okay.
“Best way to get over fallin’ is to get back up, sweetheart,” he told her, setting her feet down on the ground. “Think you can walk it off or you needa sit down a minute?”
“I can w-w-walk,” she stammered.
I couldn’t believe him. How could he be so fucking blind?
Standing up, I didn’t even bother to wipe the dirt from my knees or the tears from my cheeks.
“She’s all right, darlin.” Owen tried to touch me but I yanked my body away from him.
“Do not touch me,” I growled.
He stepped closer and when I flinched, he stopped his advance and tilted his head. “You’re overreactin’ Rayne. Ain’t a bruise on her. She’s fine.”
My patience was long gone the moment I saw her walking next to that horse, and when she fell, it broke all together. Any part of my sanity had evaporated. “I’m overreacting?” I shouted.
“Yes,” he said firmly, like it was the end all be all of statements.
Ryley looked between us, and I could feel her pressing into my side. “I’m not hurt, Mom. I’m just dirty.”
She sounded confused and maybe if I couldn’t actually feel the fear suffocating me in that moment, I’d have paid more attention to that. There was only panic and anger circling inside me, though, and they begged to be let loose.
“Go get in the car, Ryley,” I demanded.
“But, Mom—“
“Car. Now!” My voice was well above raised, and she knew better than to test me when it reached that level.
I saw her head hang low out of the corner of my eye as she sulked toward my still-running car.
“Darlin’, she’s okay.” Owen’s voice was steady, like the way I imagined you’d talk to cornered animals as you approached them, doing your best to keep them from lashing out. “You just spooked him is all.”
My eyes glared daggers at him. “You think this is my fault?” I was screaming again, my arms flailing in the air around me, but I didn’t give a flying fuck. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off before he got the chance to. “She’s not your daughter, Owen!” I yelled in his face. “How dare you let her near that horse without asking me!”
“Rayne—“
His eyes were lost in confusion, but I didn’t care. I couldn’t bring myself to care about anything else in that moment except his betrayal. What was worst of all was that it was a betrayal he was completely unaware of.
How could I ever trust him again?
Turning on my heel, I stormed over to the car and climbed behind the wheel.
“Rayne!” he hollered through the window as I slammed the door shut in his face.
He dove for the handle, but I was faster, hitting the locks.
Shifting into drive, he pounded on the glass, but I couldn’t even look at him standing there.
Seeing that look on his face, the confusion and the hurt would make me want to stay, and I couldn’t stay. That wasn’t even an option anymore.
I had robbed us of that.
“Rayne!” he shouted. His voice was pained, and I could hear him yelling my name as we drove away, but I didn’t have the heart or the state of mind to watch him disappear in my rear view mirror.
“Mom?” Ryley’s voice was hesitant from the backseat.
Shaking my head, I took a deep breath and stared straight ahead. “Not now, Ryley.”
I heard her sigh, knowing she couldn’t possibly understand what had just happened. The suffering that moment could have caused me was making it hard to breathe. Our car suddenly felt so small, and my heart seized again.
She didn’t know.
He didn’t know.
And that was no one’s fault but mine.
I pulled into our driveway less than fifteen minutes later, and before I could even open the door, Owen’s truck roared down the driveway behind us.
“Ryley, please go inside.” My voice had calmed only a little during the drive and I passed her the keys along with my purse.
“Mom?” she prompted me again but I shook my head.
“We’ll talk about this later, just the two of us,” I told her. “Now, go inside and wash up. I’ll be in shortly.”
Begrudgingly, she unbuckled her seatbelt and climbed out of the car, but before she shut the door, she reached a hand back inside and squeezed my arm. “It wasn’t his fault, Mom.”
I didn’t answer. I only watched as she unlocked the front door and stepped inside.
Owen’s truck slammed into park.
“You followed us here?” I gaped at him, stepping out of the driver’s side of my car.
“Ain’t exactly real fond of watchin’ my girls high tailin’ it away from me.”
He looked pissed, rounding the hood of that dusty red truck, his boots grinding into the gravel driveway.
“I can’t even look at you right now.” I crossed my arms over my chest suddenly feeling extremely fragile in his presence.
Stalking toward me, he boxed my body in against the car. “You think stormin’ out on me, leavin’ me in the dust like that’s gonna solve anything, Rayne?” he growled. “The hell it is.”
“I need space, Owen,” I said, and my voice was weak at best.
“What in the world you needin’ space for?” He tilted my chin up to look at him as he spoke. “I’m right here. Do all the tellin’ you need to but there ain’t no reason you need space. Not from me.”
My eyes closed and I stayed still. The fight was leaving me. I was shutting down. I was reverting to self-preservation mode.
“I just don’t think I can do this,” I whispered.
His
fist came down hard on the hood of my car, and I jumped. “All this over Ryley fallin’ on her ass in the dirt, Rayne? Are you fuckin’ serious?”
That was it. I started to cry.
Shoving his chest, I wailed, “You don’t get it. You don’t understand.”
He grabbed my forearms gently to keep me from hitting him and shook his head. “’Course I don’t understand. You don’t tell me shit, darlin’. Datin’ you is like goin’ into the dark without a flashlight. Pretty damn hard to navigate.”
I knew he was right.
I knew I should share, but I couldn’t.
I didn’t know how.
“You got a horse at my stable you ain’t ever come see but you give a shit enough about to be payin’ my sisters to ride him.” He leaned his head down low so I was forced to look in his eyes. “How in the hell was I supposed to know you ain’t wantin’ her ‘round him?” He looked so confused and that wounded me. “I ain’t a mind reader, Rayne. Jesus.”
My tears had grown to sobs.
“That horse made her happier than hell this afternoon, and swear on my life, she did the same for him. Ain’t been doin’ nothin’ but standin’ in the back of that stall since you brought him here.”
“Please just go,” I begged him.
“I can’t go.” He kissed my lips, but I didn’t kiss him back. “I won’t go. Goin’ means givin’ up, and I ain’t a man who gives up on somethin’ this good.”
Turning my head away from him, I gave him nothing. No words. No gestures. Nothing.
I would only be able to fight him for so long, knowing he was right and I was so, so wrong.
“Rayne,” he whispered. “Darlin’, I can’t be the only one in this thing.” His voice was sincere, it always was. Owen didn’t sugarcoat anything. “Need you to meet me half way, that’s all you gotta give me, and I’ll do the rest. Just give me that. Just give me halfway.”
The only movements my body made were the ones that came in sync with my crying.
I had only one reason, just one reason why I couldn’t let him in.
He was a cowboy.
He was the reckless kind.
“I can’t,” I whispered, my voice coming out at barely an echo. “I just can’t.”
His lips came down on mine, harder this time, begging me to kiss him back.