by Anne Jolin
The air in the truck was thick with all the things I should have said, and it was suffocating.
We drove in silence.
We drove in silence for the two hours and nine minutes it took to enter the city limits of Peace River, Alberta.
“Take your next right,” I told him, knowing that by now the map wouldn’t be telling him where to go.
They were the first four words I’d said in what seemed like forever. He didn’t acknowledge them. Instead, he simply turned at the next street.
“It’s the driveway coming up on your left.” My voice was hollow when I spoke. My mind had been running rapid in the stretched out silence.
Just a moment later, he turned left into the open gates of River Heights Care Facility.
I didn’t chance a look at his face, not when he saw the sign, not when we parked and not when we walked through the front doors.
I wasn’t sure I would be able to handle what I saw there mixed with what I knew I was about to face, it nearly crippled me every time.
“We’re here to see Todd Ryley,” I told the nurse sitting behind the front desk.
She looked at the clock and back at me. “Visiting hours start at nine am, ma’am.”
“My name is Rayne Brookes.” Her eyes went wide and sympathetic.
“I’m sorry,” the older woman murmured. “I’ll take you in to see him now if you’d like.”
I nodded, feeling the anger that had been rolling off Owen dissipate and fade into uncertainty at my backside. I was sure this hadn’t been what he had been expecting when I promised him answers. The facility gave special consideration to me given my circumstances, as they had done the only other five times I’d visited, just once every year for every year that he was here. Visiting more than that made it too hard to function daily, and there was someone very special who needed that from me.
She led us down the white halls, stopping close to the end and propping open the second to last door on the right.
The lights were off in his room, as of course they should be. It was nearly one in the morning and well past the open hours of the facility. Stepping into his room, I could only hear the beeping of the machines that were breathing for him.
It stopped my breath seeing him lying there. It did every time. He was thirty-three, but his weakened body made that hard for anyone who didn’t know him to be able to tell. Still, despite the machines covering most of his face, I could still see his blond hair sprawled out on the pillow. He was still magnetic, even in this state, and I longed for the decade it had been since I’d seen his blue eyes. Though I saw them every day in our daughter.
Leaning over his bed, I kissed his forehead and a tear escaped me.
“He’s brain dead,” I whispered.
I felt Owen’s presence in the room but continued speaking before I lost the courage to explain.
“He was a bronc rider, like you,” I said with a half smile remembering the days I spent watching him ride. “We were in Dawsons Creek at the Stampede, and he drew the worst horse.” My lip started to quiver. “He came out of the chute fine, just like every other ride, but then the horse reared, and he hit his head.”
Strong arms settled on my shoulders from behind, encouraging me to continue.
“I thought he’d jump from the horse, but when he didn’t, I knew something was wrong.” I shook my head, more tears falling freely now. “His hand got caught in the rigging and the weight of his body threw the horse off balance… They both went down.”
I hiccupped through the sobs now wrecking my body.
“The horse got free, but when he did, he kicked Todd in the back of the head.” Owen started rubbing my back, and it took all my strength not to buckle from the weight of my grief. “Emergency crews tended to him at the scene, and when they arrived at the hospital, he went straight into surgery.” Slamming my eyes shut, I shuddered, remembering the feeling of waiting in that room for hours. “By the time he went into the intensive care unit, the doctors said he was gone. He was there, lying in front of us, but he was gone, just like that. No brain activity.”
I shook my head at the injustice of the loss.
“His father insisted he be kept on life support, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to remember him like this. It wasn’t what he would have wanted,” I cried. “Todd’s father nearly bankrupt himself taking care of him, having nurses living in their home. When he died five years ago, I moved Todd here to the respite care facility.”
Seeing him here, like this, was torture and a reminder of the decision I’d been too weak to make.
“When it came down to me, to my decision… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take him off life support. I didn’t know how to make that decision by myself.”
My knees buckled, and Owen pulled me into his arms, carrying me to a chair by the window where he sat down with me in his lap.
“Three…” I hiccupped. “Three months after the accident, I found out I was pregnant. Todd’s father wanted nothing to do with me after what I’d said, so I never saw him again.”
“Darlin’,” Owen said, and I tucked my face into his neck. “I’m sorry.”
I knew he was.
There wasn’t an insincere bone in his body.
“This is why…” My voice trailed off as I watched my tears wet his neck. “This is why I told you he was no longer with us.” I sobbed again. “Because he isn’t, that man”—I pointed an arm toward the bed—“isn’t the boy I loved anymore.”
“Shhh. Let it out sweetheart, give it to me to hold,” he whispered into my ear, and I did.
He held me tight for a long time.
At least an hour must have passed when the door to the room opened. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize anyone was in here,” a doctor who was probably about my age said before excusing himself from the room again.
The doctor’s interruption had broken the spell we’d been under. I sat up, wiping the tears from my cheeks and stood. “I think I’m going to stay,” I said to Owen, adjusting my now dishevelled clothing.
“I can stay with you.” He stood to his full height beside me.
Shaking my head, I moved away from him. “No, that’s okay. I think you should go.” I half smiled, but it didn’t reach my eyes. Not even close. “I’ll stay with my mom tonight, and she can drive me back home tomorrow.”
“Rayne.” His voice was full of sympathy and his own hurt.
I reached out and touched his arm. “I’m not mad at you, Owen. I just need some space to think.”
He tipped his hat and leaned down to kiss my temple. “Okay, darlin’.”
Then I watched his back and that tush I loved so much walk out of that hospital room.
I stood there for a while, just staring at the closed door.
Eventually, I moved, my feet just taking me to a place they hadn’t led me to in far too long.
“She’s a lot like you.” I smiled, sitting down on the edge of Todd’s bed. “Sometimes when she smiles it’s almost like I’m watching you smile again.” My tears fell onto his pristine white sheets. “I miss seeing your smile.”
The pain in my heart was worse than a dying a thousand deaths.
“Ryley laughs the way you did, so loud and straight from her belly.” I laughed quietly. “I wish you’d have gotten to meet her, Todd,” I cried. “You’d have loved her so much.”
Somewhere along the years, I’d forgotten how much it hurt to remember him.
“You had to give me one last give before you left, didn’t you?” I smiled. “It’s like you knew I wouldn’t survive losing you without her.”
My crying was an ebb and flow of the suffering in my heart.
“Thank you for giving me our daughter, Todd. Thank you for letting me keep a piece of you with me, always.”
I moved his arm over and laid my body down next to his, careful not to jostle any of the wires attached to him. Resting my head on his shoulder, I inhaled deeply. He didn’t smell the same but if I closed my eyes it was almost like I could remem
ber how it felt when we used to lay together in the barn listening to the rain come down.
Sliding my hand into his, I squeezed, knowing that he would never squeeze back but a part of me always felt the need to do it when I visited.
“You’d like him,” I whispered through the lump in my throat. “He’s wild, just like you were. I never thought I’d see another person love live as much as you, but he does.” I threaded our fingers together and rested them over his heart. “He told me he loves us. I know he was mad, but I think he really meant it.” My tears fell silently now. “How did that happen, Todd?” I asked him. “How did I fall in love with the one man who could leave me the way you did? How is that fair?”
Of course, he didn’t answer. Just the sound of beeping and my breathing filled the room.
I lay there for a while, until the sunrise began pouring through the windows.
Lifting my head, I kissed his cheek. “I’ll always love you, Todd,” I whispered to him.
Then I gathered my backpack from the floor and left his room.
“JESUS, OWEN. IT’S THE BLOODY middle of the night,” Ray grumbled into the receiver, and I was just happy he picked up. “The heck are you callin’ me for so late? My girls okay?”
I steered the truck out of the parking lot to the care facility. “They’re fine,” I said, but I wasn’t really sure how Rayne could be fine, not after seein’ what I’d just seen.
“Well then, spit it out,” he barked.
“You got Rayne’s momma’s address?” I asked.
He was silent a beat. “What you needin’ Desiree’s address for, boy?”
“I’m in Peace River and was hopin’ to stop by.” I was lyin’, or at least kinda lyin’, but I was bettin’ he knew that.
“This somethin’ Rayne’s gonna tan my hide for givin’ you?” he asked.
I thought about it for a minute. I decided I oughta be at least honest about that. “Possibly.”
“Aw, hell.” He blew out a breath of air and rattled off an address.
“Thanks, Ray,” I said.
“Yah, yah. Just don’t you go tellin’ anyone who supplied you with that information, son.”
He didn’t say nothin’ else before the line went dead. Clearly disruptin’ an old mans sleep at nearly three in the mornin’ didn’t get you the friendliest demeanour.
I typed the address into the GPS on my phone and turned the truck in the direction it told me too. After Rayne asked me to leave, I didn’t know what I was supposed to be doin’ with myself. For awhile I just sat in the waitin’ room of that place and started at the dirt on my boots. Truth was after seein’ her walls break down and getting’ to know her like that, I was feelin’ a bit like an asshole over the way I’d approached it.
Not that I was sayin’ she was free and clear on how she handled things, but comin’ in hot and accusin’ her of the shit I did, wasn’t sittin’ real well with me, not at all.
After awhile, I moved to the truck, just thinkin’ and waitin’ before makin’ the decision to call Ray. ‘Course it was too early to show up at the house of a woman I’d never met and who had possibly never heard of me, but there wasn’t a chance in hell I was leaving Rayne here in this town. She needed space, fine but I only planned on givin’ her so much of it.
One way or the other, we were drivin’ outta these city limits together.
I wanted to be there at her momma’s house when she got there. Knowin’ she’d be raw from everythin’ she’d been sharin’ and seein’ him, I was willin’ to let her have the night, but we needed to talk ‘bout this thing goin’ on between us.
There would be no more of her keepin’ me in the dark. If this was gonna work, she was needin’ to tell me exactly where that pretty head of hers was at. That was for damn sure.
It didn’t take more than fifteen minutes or so before I was pullin’ into the driveway of a small house on the other side of town. Checkin’ the clock on the dash, it wasn’t even four in the morning. Liftin’ my cowboy hat up, I placed it over my face and leaned that seat back.
Figured it couldn’t hurt catchin’ a few minutes of sleep either waitin’ on her momma to wake up or Rayne to get here.
Hardly took a minute or two before I was out cold.
Knock.
Knock.
Knock.
My hat fell into my lap because I jolted awake so quickly. Lookin’ out the window, I came eye to eye with a petite woman with wild brown hair that had started greyin’.
Easy to tell who she was without even knowin’ her name.
“Are you looking to get shot?” She was archin’ an eyebrow at me.
Adjusting the back of the seat, I pulled it up and cracked open the door. “Pardon me, ma’am?”
“You can’t go around sleeping in your truck in people’s driveways,” she scolded.
I climbed outta the truck, half tryin’ to smile but yawin’ instead and puttin’ my hat back on my head. “My apologies, ma’am.”
She huffed. “Do you plan on telling me who you are and what your doing in my driveway at seven o’clock in the morning or are you waiting for me to guess?”
There was a fire in her I’d seen more than once in Rayne.
Tippin’ my hat her way, I smiled. “I ain’t sure if you know ‘bout me, but I’m Owen Daniels. I’m Rayne’s boyfriend.”
The scowl on her face became invisible and her smile got real big. “Well, hell, handsome. Why didn’t you say so?”
It seemed a real good guess that she had heard of me I gathered.
“Sorry ma’am. It was real early when I got here,” I said. “Didn’t want to wake you.”
She slipped her arm into mine and started pullin’ me toward the house. “Oh hush. I don’t sleep all that well anymore.”
“Sorry to hear that,” I said as she led me through the front door.
“And don’t call me ma’am. It makes me feel old.” She laughed. “You can call me Desiree or Desi, whichever you like.”
I liked Desi Brookes, she was a warm woman with a steel spine and that wasn’t hard to miss.
“Okay, Desi.” I grinned, lettin’ her set me up on a chair in the kitchen. “Rayne tell you she was comin’ out this way?”
Desi nodded and busied herself around the coffee pot. “She left a voicemail during the night, got it first thing this morning before finding you loitering outside.” She held up a cup and looked at me. “How do you take it, honey?”
“Just black, thank you,” I said, takin’ the cup from her. If it hadn’t have been pipin’ hot, I’d have drained the whole thing in one sip.
I was tired as hell and drainin’ fast from all the emotions I’d been feelin’.
“Before you ask, she told me why you were coming out this way,” she answered the question I was ‘bout to ask. “She didn’t tell you about him, did she?”
Settin’ my cup down on the counter, I shook my head. “No. Found out yesterday from Ray.”
“Oh, Ray.” She laughed but it was fond. “Never could mind his own damn business that one.”
I didn’t say nothin’, didn’t seem like my place.
“You gotta know, Rayne ain’t really ever had a chance to deal with what happened to Todd. And with that father of his keeping him alive on those machines all this time, she’s never gotten closure either.” She sighed sadly, pouring what looked like a cup of sugar into her coffee. “My poor girl’s just been living a nightmare that’s on pause.”
Hearin’ her say that made my soul hurt. I hated thinkin’ ‘bout Rayne bein’ in so much pain all these years, just tryin’ to find a way to live with it.
“Was he a good man?” I was askin’ simply because curiosity was getting’ the better of me.
She took the chair next to mine, stirrin’ all that sugar in real good. “Todd was a boy, honey. He never really got the chance to be a man, but he was a good boy.” She smiled. “He was wild and as crazy as it came with those horses, but he had a good heart, and he loved Rayne very much.”
It was hard thinkin’ ‘bout the woman I was in love with lovin’ someone else first, but it was even harder thinkin’ ‘bout her losin’ that love and what it had done to her.
“I’m in love with her.” I wasn’t sure why I shared it, but the words just fell out.
Desi squeezed my forearm before tappin’ it lightly once. “I don’t think you’d be here if you weren’t.” Her voice was a bit hesitant. “It takes a lot more than loving someone to make a relationship work, though, honey. Just look at me and Ray.” She laughed. “I’ve been loving that man my whole life and only stayed married to him five years.”
I didn’t get the chance to ask her what she meant because just then I heard a car door slam shut.
Gettin’ up quick, I watched as Desi looked out the window. “Looks like our girls here,” she said, and I got so nervous my palms started to sweat.
There wasn’t a whole lot that made me nervous, but wonderin’ what Rayne was thinkin’ right now was sure as shit one of ‘em.
I stood behind her and saw her moving away from a yellow taxi as it backed out to the road. She looked tired, and I wished I could give her the sleep I knew she was needin’, but it wasn’t the time for that.
Now was the time for helluva lot more important things then sleepin’ and talkin’ was one of ‘em.
Walkin’ through the front door, Rayne took one look at me and I seen those shoulders of hers sag just a little more. She’d known I was there, ain’t figured she was so tired as to miss the pick up sittin’ in the driveway, but she didn’t ask how or why I’d gotten to be there.
“Hey, Mom.” She half smiled, droppin’ that backpack on the floor beside her.
“Hey, honey.” Her momma’s voice was tellin’ and knowin’ in the way that only mommas’ voices were. Just watchin’ ‘em made me miss mine.
“We need to talk, darlin’.” I tipped my hat her way. No use beatin’ around the bush, we’d been doin’ enough of that this last month or so.
She leaned in, kissed her momma on the cheek and nodded toward the stairs. “Yah.”
I followed her up the carpeted stairs into a little bedroom toward the back of the house.
“This used to be your room?” I asked, lookin’ around.