After the Before

by Gomez, Jessica

  “Who’s Jasmine?” She asks again.

  “I’m not telling you.” It’s too personal. She doesn’t need to know who she is, and I just want to keep her to myself.

  Angeline is tapping her bare foot in the sand. Her face is blazing with anger, but I can tell, she’s not going anywhere… even though she knows I’m thinking about someone else.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Jasmine

  As promised, Andrew picks me up at six. Lucky for me, Molly’s in the room too, and throws herself at him in front of me. In turn, he doesn’t completely reject her; he turns on his one hundred watt smile and reciprocates some of her flirtations.

  I breathe out, releasing some of my annoyance. I could care less if they like each other, but tonight, and the rest of this week, Andrew is going to help me avoid and forget about Alex, but now, I also see an opportunity to piss little Miss Molly off, too. I’m going to take care of two problems, and totally enjoy one of them.

  “Andrew, are you ready?” He turns his attention back to me. His eyes are ravenous when he answers.

  “Yes, I am.”

  The bruises on my lower legs and outer arms are mostly healed, only shadows of yellow marks remain and easily covered with foundation. Andrew’s attention to detail is almost nonexistent, so the slight blemishes will go undetected.

  Tonight, I put my new swimsuit on under my very high cut shorts, the material is not quite cloth, but the kind that makes a swishing noise when you walk. They lace up and tie like a shoelace in front. The shirt I chose has sleeves, because some of the buckle marks that litter my back also mar my shoulders. My shirt is white and red, and it reads ‘Aloha, Bitches!’ In colorful letters on the front. I have to admit, it makes me laugh every time I see it. I decided to go with flip-flops tonight, since I figured we would end up somewhere on the beach.

  “You look nice tonight.” Andrew says as we exit the hotel doors.

  “Thank you. So where are we going tonight?” Despite the fact that I’m not into Andrew in the least bit, I am excited about tonight. I’ve never been out on a real date before… this will be my first.

  “I can’t tell you that.” His smile is warm, a promise of things to come.

  We walk a few blocks before Andrew takes my hand in his, wrapping our fingers together. It feels wrong, like it doesn’t belong. His palm is sweaty and moist, nothing I want to touch. In order to salvage the night, I don’t pull away.

  The sun is on its way down, ready to warm the other side of the planet. Hawaii is magic, no matter where you find yourself. The constant smell of the salty ocean is enough to keep me outside all day. It’s more than that though, the breeze feels different here, rejuvenating and calming; helping me forget all my problems… well, most of my problems.

  Jace would have loved this. Hawaii only makes me wish he were here more, something new to experience with him. All our firsts together, reminds me this is another first without him.

  Just thinking about Jace raises my spirits, making me want to be wild and carefree. The words, ‘Think of all the trouble we could get into here, Jazzy,’ rings through my head, as if Jace whispered them directly into my head, telling me to have fun and go crazy. If only for just this week, I’m going to forget all my cares; there is nothing I can do about them here, anyway. I need this break if I want to ever feel like myself again.

  Andrew brings me to a small diner, holding approximately ten people, at max. The small building is constructed like a hut, with long palm leaves covering the top to make the roof. The walls are sealed with mud to keep the cool air in. It’s so cute and charming.

  There’s a table set up outside, covered with a white cloth, candles, and a bottle of sparkling cider. The seats are metal, but have cushions to make them comfortable.

  Andrew leads me to the table and pulls my chair out for me, guiding me with the tips of his fingers. Once I’m seated, he takes his own seat across from me.

  “This is beautiful. Thank you, Andrew.” I’m being very sincere. This must have taken some planning on his part.

  “I’m glad you like it.” He pulls out the menus from under our napkins. “What do you feel like eating tonight?”

  My heart sinks slightly, wishing there was more between us; that this could be real. I pick up my menu and suck it up. “I’m not sure yet. You?”

  He says nothing.

  He continues to study his menu, only speaking again once he’s found what he wants. “I’m going with the ribs.”

  Since we’ve arrived, my hunger has stayed dormant. I missed breakfast, and only ate a few fries for lunch. You would think I’d be starving. None of the food on the menu sounds appetizing, so I decide on something light, and I order a salad. When nothing sounds good, a salad always seems to be a safe bet.

  After we order our food and the server takes our menus, I take a long drink of water. The sun is only a sliver on the horizon, burning fire on the waters’ surface hundreds of miles in the distance, and I think of how nice it would be to swim in that warm water.

  “Here.” Andrew pours me a drink. “I also brought something to spice things up… get us started early.” When I look at him with a puzzled expression, he holds out a flask.

  “I’m not sure if that’s…” I begin to say, when Jace’s words ring through my mind again, ‘Think of all the trouble we could get into, Jazzy.’

  “Alright.” I hold out my glass eagerly. I’m going to try something different for a change.

  “That’s the right attitude.” He pours a fair amount of clear liquid in my glass, then he raises his own glass up to clank against mine, and I notice that his is only half full.

  “Cheers. To a fun and unforgettable night.”

  I can see that he’s eager for a lot tonight, but I’m sorry to disappoint. I have every intention of messing around with him, because if I’m honest, I have no experience with this… I want to feel all there is to feel when it comes to intimacy, but there is no way I’m sleeping with someone who I don’t even like that way.

  “Cheers.” I clank my glass to his and down the entire drink.

  Andrew chokes on his and laughs. “Thirsty, Jasmine?”

  I smile, trying to lighten my mood. “Very.” My voice is low and seductive, and I receive a glorious smile for my effort.

  “Want another?”

  “Yes.” He fills my glass higher than the first. I mix in the cider and take another big swig, this time only drinking half.

  “You feel alright?” Andrew asks, pulling off a partially concerned look. I ignore his question and try to keep the conversation going.

  “How was the rest of your day today? What did you do?” His daily activities are of little interest to me, if at all, but the topic is a void filler until our food arrives. He goes on to tell me, but I find keeping up with his babble isn’t easy, as I begin to feel a slight buzz from the alcohol kicking in.

  I finish off the rest of my drink, and Andrew is there to provide me with the next. Once our food arrives, I’m feeling extremely buzzed. Remembering I’ve barely eaten anything, the alcohol is probably affecting me more because of it, so I decide to eat my salad, whether I want it or not. They provide fresh bread with dinner, and I eat as much of it as I possibly can.

  By the time we finish eating, I’m so full, I feel as if I’ll burst. I’m also beginning to slur my words.

  “Someone’s already ahead in the party.” Andrew smiles as he helps me to my feet. “Did you have a good time?”

  Feeling free and numb from the liquor, I smile up at him. “I had a great time. Thank you.” I slide my arms behind his head and lean up to meet his lips.

  “Mmm. Maybe I should take you out more often if this is the thanks I get.”

  His tongue slides in my mouth. Luckily, I’m drunk enough that it doesn’t bother me. We stand next to our table kissing until the server coughs, trying to get us to move so she can clean up our mess.

  We break apart smiling and laughing. “Come on.” Andrew says, pulling m
e toward the hotel again.

  “Where are we going now?” The hotel is the last place I want to go. I want to get out and have fun.

  “Molly and a few of her friends are meeting a bunch of guys at a bonfire, down at the beach behind our hotel.” Thinking about hanging out with Molly makes my head spin, but I’m feeling very agreeable at the moment.

  “Sounds fun.” I take his hand tighter in mine as we make our way toward the beach behind our hotel.

  When we arrive, things are in full swing already. People are dancing around the fire and laughing. I know some of the seniors, not personally, but they used to hang out with Jace. They’re nice enough, waving and saying hi to us as we pass.

  Molly glares daggers at me from across the fire. She wants Andrew, and she want him bad; I can tell by the ravenous look in her eyes. Being drunk is making me bold, because I find myself wanting to piss her off and make her miserable. I really want to mess with her, so I grab Andrew’s hand tighter as I pull him to a stop. He looks at me, puzzled over the sudden halt. My smile quirks up and he understands. He pulls me close, letting go of my hand and wrapping his arms around my body, pulling me against his chest when he kisses me. His lips are warm, but rough. I get the feeling that if no one was around, he would throw me down and have his way with me, right here.

  When he pulls away, my face is flush. I scan for Molly, but she’s gone, tired of watching my show. Plenty of other people have taken her place though, watching us go at it. The guys smile and look a bit jealous, making me smile wider.

  “You want to go swimming?” Andrew asks, pulling down on my shorts, caressing the skin under my waistband.

  “Not right now, but I would love another drink.”

  “Your wish is my command.” He bows dramatically and pours more from his flask into a plastic cup.

  I chug it as fast as the other’s before it. As the night goes on, I find myself laughing and dancing around the fire with everyone else. This crowd is not as bad as I thought they were.

  “What are you doing?” Andrew laughs as he stumbles into me, almost throwing me off balance. He’s been drinking, but not enough to make him stagger. I’ve had way more than him, and I think that he’s exaggerating his inebriated state.

  “Being free!” I yell loudly, not caring what Andrew’s game is at this point.

  He laughs again and lets his hands roam over my body. Standing behind me, he pulls my back to his chest, and asks, “You want to go down by the water so we can be alone?”

  There’s no hesitation. I want to keep my mind free of worry. “Yeah.” I pull on his shirt to follow me as I lead him down to the water’s edge.

  His hands find my waist when we’re a few yards away from the water. His fingers send a tingle over me, but it’s not the tingle of lust or desire… it’s almost a warning, that small voice of reason trying to fight through the fog. His hand slides up the back of my shirt and I squeeze my eyes closed, hoping he doesn’t notice the small marks left from the belt buckle, but I needn’t worry. He only cares about pawing me and what he thinks he’s about to get from me.

  One hand dips down the back of my shorts and cups my bare ass, while the other snakes its way up the front of my shirt, and under my swim top. I suck in a breath, surprised. My inner voices are debating on whether I should continue, a sense of wrongness coming over me. I rein in the urge to flee and push against him instead, egging him on. He pulls his hand out of my shorts and pulls up on my shirt. Since I have a swim top on, I figure it’s not a big deal, and let it happen.

  Once he removes my shirt, he begins to undress himself, leaving only his boxers. “You want to go for a swim?”

  Coming down from the last drink makes getting into the water the last thing on my mind, so instead, I sit in the sand.

  “Not right now. You got any more left in that flask?”

  His smile is mischievous. “Just refilled it.” He hands it over, sitting next to me in the sand as I take a couple of big gulps. “Easy, Jasmine. You’re going to make yourself sick.” He pulls the flask from me and replaces it with his lips.

  I lean back against the cool sand, and he takes it as an invitation. He lays himself on top of me and my hands begin to trace his body. His hands roam up and down, touching everywhere but below the waist. He reaches behind my neck and unclips my top, pulling it down to expose my breasts, and I hesitate. Do I want this to go this far? My body is screaming for this, but the logical, still functioning part of my brain is telling me this is wrong. Andrew’s not the one I want here with me, touching me like this. Trying to erase what I really want with someone else is just wrong.

  Andrew’s mouth moves to my neck, then down to the top of my breast. Goosebumps rise on my skin, and I am so caught up in this feeling, that I don’t really want him to stop. A fight is raging inside my head, and the alcohol isn’t helping with my thinking. When Andrew’s mouth finds my nipple, my insides jump with anticipation. It feels so good. His hand slides in the front of my shorts, and I panic. I know where he wants this to go, and even though I’m wasted, I know I can’t do this.

  “Wait, Andrew. I can’t do this.” I give him a little shove.

  He’s way too into it. He’s moaning and running his fingers all over my private area.

  I push harder. “Andrew.” My voice is more urgent. “Get off!

  This time I know he hears me, because he looks right at me. “You want this.” He says, and starts kissing my neck.

  “No, Andrew. I don’t.” I continue to push at him, but it gets me nowhere. He’s much stronger than I am.

  He grabs my arms and pins them above my head, “You want to get rough?” He asks. “We can do that.”

  He’s strong enough to hold both wrists with one hand, and lets the other roam over my still exposed breasts. My swim top is missing, stripped from me completely somehow.

  “Andrew! I said, stop!”

  When his hearing fails him again, instinct kicks in and I knee him in the balls. He groans deeply and rolls to his side. I scramble back, grab my shirt, and pull it over my head.

  “Jesus, Jasmine! I was only messing with you. I thought you were playing around.” How could I have done this? I have officially become a tease.

  “What was it about the word ‘NO’ that you didn’t understand!”

  I take a moment to look for my swim top, but my vision is starting to blur. I already have a shirt, so I start to leave, but the hotel is not where I want to go… I’ll continue this party on my own.

  “Come on, Jasmine. Don’t be mad.” He’s still holding his crotch.

  “Fuck off, Andrew… just give me your flask.” Surprisingly, he does as I say.

  “I’m sorry, Jasmine. Please don’t tell anyone.”

  I glare at him for a moment before I say, “Oh, come on, Andrew. I know the alcohol was to loosen me up, and I shouldn’t have let it get as far as it did. I just wanted to make out, something I’ve never experienced, so I take full blame for my part, but you… you knew what you were doing. You had every intention of having sex with me, and getting me drunk would make it easier for you.” I’ve said my peace, so I begin stumbling away and down the beach.

  “Jasmine, you shouldn’t be wondering around drunk!” Andrew calls to me when he can finally stand.

  “Kiss my ass, Andrew!” I yell back and laugh as hard as I can, taking another pull from my new best friend.

  Andrew shows me his true colors when he doesn’t pursue, or call after me again. My heart constricts; a part of me is disappointed, wishing he cared enough to come after me.

  I stumble my way down the beach. I lost my left flip flop somewhere between the hotel and my current location. Annoyed with having only one, I kick the other off to the side, while making some sort of kung fu noise, “Heee-yaaa.” That’s another good thing about Hawaii, you never have to wear shoes. In fact, it should be illegal.

  I laugh at myself and take another swig. I have no idea how much I’ve had to drink on an almost empty stomach, but I’m feeli
ng great, light and happy, and definitely free. I walk back and forth from the sand to the warm ocean water; the spray kicking up in my face when it laps against my shins.

  I begin to sing to myself out loud. The song is a little demented, I have to admit, but Jace and I used to sing the Freddy Kruger song when we were little during hide and seek. It was our way of trying to spook the other one out. We loved scary movies.

  “One, Two, I’m coming for you.” I echo in a scary voice. We took out Freddy’s name for convenience.

  “Three, four, you better lock your door.” My voice changes to an upbeat kid’s song and I start to skip. “I’m coming for you, Jace.” I’m gonna play imaginary tag with my brother one last time.

  “Five, six, grab your crucifix.” I’m laughing and can actually feel him closer to me than I have in a long time.

  “Seven, eight, you better stay up late!” I twirl down the beach splashing in the water, soaking my clothes.

  “Ready or not, here I come! Nine, ten, you’ll never sleep again… because I’ll pour cold water over you while you sleep.” I say really fast. I laugh so hard that I double over, remembering the time I dumped cold water on Jace while he slept. We used to give a reason after the song of why you would never sleep again, always being a silly prank we would pull on each other.

  Jace had said one time, “Nine, ten, you’ll never sleep again… because I’m going to draw on your face.” He did, and with a permanent marker, writing the word loser on the side of my temple. Luckily, I was able to get it off before school started a couple of days later.

  “Come out, come out, wherever you are, Jace!” I yell as loud as I can.

  I’m dancing around to the music that’s playing in my mind, but then I realize that it’s actual music coming from a group of people a few yards down from me.

  I could care less. For once in the last two years, I feel free. I want to sing, dance, talk to myself… I want to live again, even if it’s just tonight.

  I hear a voice close to me ask, “Hey, baby. Out for a stroll?” He circles me as I stop, looking me up and down. When I stay silent, he takes that as his cue to continue. “You could get hurt out here drunk and all alone.” He trails a finger down my arm.