That Was Then...

by Melody Carlson

  “I hope so.” But even as I say this, I doubt it.

  “Nat?” I hear Ben’s voice.

  “You better go,” she says in a hushed tone.

  And I don’t argue with her. Feeling like I just stepped out of the twilight zone, I walk away from the apartment complex just as it starts to rain. And now as I sit here finishing today’s entry in my diary, I think that as much as I love Nat, I am getting so tired of her life. God forgive me, but I am.

  Dear Jamie,

  My best friend’s parents are really cool. And I love being at their house. It’s like they’re more like friends than parents. They just hang out with us and watch movies and stuff, and it’s fun being with them. The only problem is that they think it’s okay to drink alcohol, and they don’t have a problem letting us kids drink with them. They say that it’s better than doing it out on the street where someone could get hurt. And the only reason this is a problem is because my parents would kill me if they found out. I guess I’m starting to feel guilty about the whole thing. What should I do?

  Confused

  Dear Confused,

  No wonder you’re confused. This is not how responsible parents act. And I’m sure you know this or you wouldn’t have written. Giving alcohol to minors isn’t just reckless; it’s illegal. And these “cool” parents could wind up in some real hot water. There are several things you could do. 1) You could confront the “cool” parents and tell them about your concern over this habit and that you won’t be able to come to their house if it continues. Then stick to it. 2) You could tell your parents what’s up and be ready for the fireworks and some restrictions. 3) You could anonymously report what’s going on and just sit back and watch what happens. Or last of all, and your very worst option, 4) do nothing and wait until it all hits the fan and everyone gets in big trouble. Hopefully you won’t do that.

  Just Jamie

  Seven

  Saturday, November 11

  I’ve talked to Nat twice this week. But only on the phone. Both times she just glossed over what happened last weekend. She told me everything was “fine.” But without any details. It was the kind of reassurance that isn’t reassuring at all. I know she’s covering something up.

  “Do you want me to stop by this morning?” I asked when I called to check on her. “I’m going over to the Paradiso anyway.”

  “No,” she said sleepily. “I didn’t sleep very well last night. I want to sleep in this morning.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Everything’s fine,” she said in a somewhat snippy tone. “It’s just the baby. I’m getting bigger, and I have to get up to use the bathroom all the time.” She let out a moan. “Being pregnant is not fun, Kim.”

  “I didn’t think it would be.”

  “I can’t believe I still have almost two months before the baby is due. Getting up all night to use the bathroom, watching your body getting stretched out of shape… Well, it’s not for the faint of heart.”

  “Maybe the getting-up-all-night thing is good,” I said, looking for the positive side.

  “What on earth for?”

  “Maybe it’s God’s way of preparing you for when the baby is born. You’ll have to get up all night to take care of it.”

  She let out another moan. “Ugh, I don’t want to think about that.”

  “It’s a fact of life, Nat.”

  “Did you just call me to torture me?”

  “No, I just wanted to check on you.”

  “Well, you did, thank you very much.”

  “So what are you doing today?” I asked. And I was actually curious. I mean, I can’t imagine what I would do if I was stuck in that little hole-in-the-wall apartment. It would be like being in prison.

  “I don’t know…”

  “Why don’t you come by the Paradiso,” I said. “I’ll spot you for a mocha—a decaf, of course.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “You haven’t even been there since Redemption bought the place. They’ve made some pretty cool changes.”

  “I might come by…”

  “Good. I’ll be there until three.”

  “Okay, see ya later then.”

  Even as I hung up, I had my doubts as to whether I’d really see her there. And as it turned out, I didn’t. And I didn’t see her or Ben at youth group tonight. But that wasn’t as surprising. I did, however, ask Cesar if he’d seen Ben.

  “I’ve called him a lot,” Cesar told me. “But it seems like he’s always working. And so far he hasn’t returned my calls.”

  I frowned.

  “Is everything okay with them?”

  I gave him my can’t-talk-about-that look, remembering my promise to Nat.

  Cesar sighed. “It wouldn’t be surprising if they were having some problems. That’s a lot to adjust to. I can’t even imagine what I’d do if I was in Ben’s shoes.”

  I laughed. “Well, that’s something you’ll never have to worry about.”

  He grinned. “See, there is an upside to kissing dating good-bye.” Then he pointed at me. “I haven’t seen you going out with anyone since your breakup with Matt.”

  I kind of shrugged. “It’s not that I’ve kissed dating good-bye. It’s more like I decided to take a break.”

  “Good for you.”

  “Yeah…I guess.”

  Now I’m back home and feeling worried about Nat. My theory is that she’s avoiding everyone. I think she’s embarrassed about the way she looks. She’s getting really big now, and none of her clothes fit right, and for whatever reason (maybe money) she hasn’t really gotten any maternity clothes. But besides that, I think she’s depressed. She just doesn’t seem like herself anymore. And if I had to bet, I’d say that it’s probably because of Ben. Not that I’m blaming him completely. I mean, he’s probably depressed too. He’s just dealing with it differently.

  It’s too late to call Nat tonight, but I think maybe I’ll call her tomorrow. I have an idea. Maybe I can take her to look for some maternity clothes. I just got a check for the syndication of my column, and it was a lot better than I expected it to be. I guess my dad’s newspaper has sold it to some more papers. Anyway, Natalie has always loved going to the mall. Maybe I can cheer her up by helping her to get into some clothes that fit.

  Thursday, November 16

  Nat and I actually went shopping tonight. I’d been calling her all week, but she kept blowing me off with some really pathetic excuses until I finally pinned her down and she agreed to go. But as soon as I picked her up, I noticed that something seemed wrong. For one thing she was wearing a lot of eye makeup, which isn’t really like her. But besides that, she kept giving me these odd little sideways glances. Pretty weird.

  When we got inside the well-lit mall, I noticed that her left eye looked kind of strange. “What happened to your eye?” I asked as we walked to a store that specializes in both maternity and baby things.

  She reached her hand up to touch it. “Oh, that…it was just really stupid. I was sweeping the kitchen last weekend, and I’d forgotten to close this cupboard door, and you know how cramped it is in there. Well, the next thing I knew, I smacked right into the door. Really hurt too.”

  “Yeah, I bet.”

  We went into the maternity shop and were pleased to find some things that looked like real clothes. “You could probably even wear this after the baby is born,” I told her as I held up a T-shirt.

  “That’s the whole point,” a saleswoman said with a smile. “Maternity clothes aren’t just for being pregnant anymore. And it usually takes the little mother a few months to get her figure back.”

  “A few months?” Natalie looked shocked.

  “Oh, about six usually. Some women snap back sooner.”

  “Well, that’s what I plan to do.” Nat held up a pair of low-waisted flared jeans. “These are pretty cute.”

  “Yes,” said the woman, “and that panel at the waist is adjustable. It gets bigger and smaller to accommodate your ever-changing body.
When is the baby due?”

  “Early January.”

  “Oh, maybe it’ll be a New Year’s baby,” the saleswoman said. “Did you know that the first baby born in a new year gets all kinds of special gifts?”

  “I’ve never heard that,” Nat said as she picked out another pair of jeans.

  “Oh, yes.” The woman nodded. “We even donate some things from our baby department. It’s a pretty big deal.”

  “Guess I better have my baby on New Year’s then.” Nat winked at me. “I think I’ll try these on.”

  I waited while Nat tried on several things, going back to find her different sizes until she finally picked out a pair of jeans and three tops.

  “Are you sure, Kim?” she asked as we walked back to the saleswoman.

  “I’m positive, Nat. I want to do this for you, okay?”

  She smiled and I noticed that black eye again. And I’m sorry, but it didn’t really look like something you could get from a cupboard door. But I didn’t say anything.

  “Want to look at baby things?” I asked after the woman handed Nat her bag.

  Nat just shook her head. “Not really.”

  “Are you registered yet?” the woman asked.

  “Registered?”

  “For baby gifts.” The woman smiled at me now. “For the baby shower, dear. Surely some of your friends will be giving you a baby shower.”

  Nat giggled. “Well, I don’t know…”

  “Why not register anyway?” said the woman. “Just in case.”

  So I walked through the store with Natalie, watching as she checked boxes on the long registry form. I could only imagine what all that stuff would cost, especially since this store isn’t exactly cheap. “Maybe you should register at places like Target too,” I suggested.

  She frowned. “Are you saying my baby’s not worth the good stuff?”

  “Not at all. But I happen to like Target.”

  “I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”

  Of course, as we left the mall, I was plagued with guilt. I do not want to have another shower for Nat. It seems like I barely recovered from the last one. Maybe someone from church will do it. Or someone from Ben’s family. Maybe even Caitlin!

  Tuesday, November 21

  I’ve been working part time at the Paradiso, and I really like it. For one thing, it gets me out of the house, but besides that, it’s a great way to meet new people. And I’m finding out I actually like that.

  “Want to jam with us on Saturday?” Chloe asked me tonight as I was wiping down the espresso machine just before closing.

  “But I work.”

  “Not until the afternoon.” She points to the schedule. “We can quit by noon.”

  “Sounds great!”

  “And if we work something out, maybe you’ll want to play with us during open mike too.”

  “That’d be awesome,” I told her.

  “Can I ask you something?” she said after the last couple left the coffeehouse.

  “Sure.” I rinsed the dishrag out in the sink and turned to look at her. I could tell by the tone of her voice that this was something serious. I hoped I hadn’t done something wrong. I was usually very careful, but you never know.

  “You and Nat are best friends,” she began in a hesitant voice. “And I don’t want to be nosy, but Caitlin’s been really worried about Ben. It’s like he’s dropped off the face of the planet. And I realize he’s working and they’re newlyweds and stuff, but do you know how they’re doing? Is everything okay?”

  I took a deep breath and considered my answer.

  “I wouldn’t ask,” she said quickly, “but Caitlin is such a good friend to me. And she’s too nice to ask anyone herself. She keeps saying they probably need to give Ben space. But he hasn’t talked to Josh or Cesar or anyone. And that just doesn’t seem right to me.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I can understand the concern.”

  “But if you can’t tell me, I’ll understand.”

  I pressed my lips together, trying to decide what to do. “Nat has told me not to tell anyone…But I will say this—there are some problems.”

  Chloe nodded. “That’s understandable. I mean, seriously, what a hard way to start a marriage.”

  “It’s been hard. On both of them, Chloe. And the truth is—I’m really worried about both of them. And without revealing too much, I think that Josh should go have a talk with Ben.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. But I didn’t tell you anything, did I?”

  “No. Not really. But I’ll tell Josh to give Ben a call.”

  “Not just a call,” I said suddenly. “I mean Josh should make a point to actually see Ben. Even if he has to pop in at work, or at the apartment, or whatever.” Okay, I knew I was starting to sound urgent then. But I really wanted someone else—someone besides me—to know what was going on.

  And as I sit here writing this, I’m thinking that Nat’s black eye wasn’t from the cupboard. Ben had probably been drinking, gotten angry like Nat said he does sometimes, and hit her. And that just makes me sick. In fact, if Josh doesn’t follow up on this, I think I will. I will ask Nat to tell me what’s going on, and I will tell someone. Maybe not their parents. But I could tell Caitlin and Josh or Pastor Tony. They should know what to do.

  Making this decision feels like a heavy load’s been lifted from me. And before I go to bed tonight, I will really be praying for Nat and Ben. I’ll be asking God to get them some real help.

  Friday, November 24

  This was our first Thanksgiving without Mom. And it was weird how it hit both Dad and me pretty hard. Earlier this week, Dad found out that ski season would open on Thanksgiving Day, and he suggested we go on up there. At the time it sounded great. And maybe it was, but it was tough too.

  The snow was fairly good, and it was awesome being on my snowboard again, but the slopes were conspicuously empty, and my guess was that everyone else was home having turkey with their families. I’m sure Dad felt this too. So instead of being a good distraction from what—rather who—we were missing, it felt as if our grief was in the spotlight. But we never mentioned this as we took advantage of the short lift lines, until the place finally started to dose at four.

  “I thought we could grab a bite to eat on our way home,” Dad said as he stuck our equipment in the back of my Jeep. I’d offered to drive today, hoping this would be good practice for me and maybe Dad wouldn’t worry so much if I came back up here again for snowboarding.

  “Sounds good.” I climbed in and started the ignition. We didn’t talk much as I drove to the nearest town. And we quickly discovered that the only place open was a very nice restaurant, where they were serving a special Thanksgiving menu.

  “Hey, we’ll get our turkey, after all,” I told Dad as we went inside.

  But I could tell that he wasn’t too happy with this. And finally, after the waiter brought our food, I had to ask him what was wrong.

  “I’m sorry, Kimmy,” he said sadly. “I was just remembering…”

  “Mom?”

  He nodded.

  “I’ve been missing her too.”

  He nodded again.

  “But we’ll get through this.” I tried to sound more hopeful than I felt at the moment.

  “Yes. I know.” But I could see his eyes glistening.

  “I’ve heard that holidays are the worst,” I said, a lump growing in my throat.

  “Yes.” Now he looked around the restaurant, as if taking it all in—the wood beams, the pine-paneled walls. Finally his gaze fixed on the large stone fireplace that was burning cheerfully. “This is where I brought your mother last New Year’s Eve.”

  I stared at the fireplace. “Oh.”

  “She loved this place.”

  Now I looked back at his untouched food. “We can go, Dad,” I said quickly. “I’m really not that hungry.”

  “No…” He shook his head and reached for his fork.

  Then we both picked at our food in silence. And before I kn
ew what hit me, tears were slipping down my cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, Kim,” he said when he noticed me blotting my eyes with my napkin. “I didn’t mean to upset you too.”

  “No…” I waved my napkin at him. “It’s not your fault, Dad. I just, you know, miss her—a lot. I mean, I was thinking about her pumpkin pie today. I don’t like anyone else’s pumpkin pie. And now we’ll never have it again.”

  “Maybe you could make it,” he suggested with a hopeful expression. “Use her recipe.”

  I nodded. “Yeah. Maybe.”

  “She’d like that, Kim.”

  “I know.” I looked around the restaurant again. No wonder Mom loved this place. It was really pretty cool with the softly burning oil lamps and old pieces of art on the wall. “I think she’s glad that we’re eating here, Dad.”

  His eyes lit up a little. “I think you’re right.”

  Finally, we’d eaten as much as we wanted, and the waiter came over. “We’ve got a really good pumpkin pie to go with the special,” he told us with a bright smile.

  But we both declined. My dad asked for the check, and I carefully drove us home. Happy Thanksgiving. Okay, I guess it could’ve been worse. The good thing is that it’s over. One less holiday to get through this year.

  Sunday. November 26

  Yesterday was so cool. I jammed with Redemption. They’re trying some new things, some quieter, mellower songs, and I actually worked pretty well with them. And so later that night, I joined them for an open mike performance, and it was so awesome. Okay, I know they won’t be inviting me to join their band anytime soon, but it was pretty cool just the same.

  Chloe didn’t mention anything about Ben today. And I was sort of glad. I’m sure she passed along to her brother what I said by now. And hopefully he’s on it. But to my disappointment, Ben and Nat weren’t at church today. And when I called their apartment this afternoon, Nat sounded pretty gloomy. I really wanted to mention my conversation with Chloe to her but knew that would be a dead giveaway that I’d said something. Even if I didn’t give any specifics. Instead, I just kept the conversation light and finally told Nat to call me if she needed to talk or anything.