All of You

by Gina Sorelle

  Kat’s throat was raw and tight and she wasn’t sure what she would have said had her vocal cords worked, anyway. Her entire body began trembling and Kat knew, if her nervous system didn’t calm down or she didn’t sit down soon she would wind up crumpled up on Danny’s porch.

  She opened her mouth, but, once again, nothing came out.

  “What do you want, Kat?” he finally asked, looking as bored and put-out as a person could. When she still didn’t speak, Danny scoffed. “As much as I’m enjoying this little visit, I’m sort of in the middle of something. So, if you could kindly spit out whatever the hell it is you came to say and then get the fuck off my porch, I’d really appreciate it.”

  When Kat still didn’t speak, but did continue to shake like a leaf – her teeth now chattering loudly, too – Danny grabbed her arm and pulled her inside with a disgusted sigh.

  “Oh, for Christ’s sake…come in already, then. ‘Cause the last thing I need is you getting fucking hypothermia.”

  While he reached around her to slam the door shut, Kat wrapped her arms around her midsection – already knowing her trembling and teeth chattering had nothing to do with the freezing temperature outside and everything to do with what being this close to Danny again was doing to her nerves.

  As he walked back around to face her, Kat caught a hint of his scent. Without forethought, she stepped closer and inhaled deeply.

  Danny took a few steps backwards, eyeing her coldly. Suspiciously.

  Arms crossed back over his chest, he lifted his brows. When she still didn’t speak, he exhaled another scoff. “The fuck, Kat? What, do you have laryngitis or something? Spit it out.”

  She cleared her throat again. “Danny…”

  When she didn’t continue, he gestured for her to continue. “Uh, yeah?”

  Kat stared at him blankly, her mind going crazy with feelings and things she wanted to say, but her body not allowing her to verbalize any of them.

  I miss you so much it hurts to breathe.

  I haven’t slept since the last time I slept in your arms.

  I haven’t felt safe the last time you held me.

  I love you more than I thought I had the capacity to love someone.

  I am so sorry I hurt you.

  Please forgive me.

  Danny dropped his arms with another hard sigh and a disgusted eye roll that cut Kat to the bone. “Fine. Suit yourself. Stand there like a deaf, dumb, blind mute for as long as you want.” He started walking to the kitchen. “Just shut the front door behind you when you go. Oh, and I’d appreciate if you could make it sooner rather than later, Kat, ‘cause, to be real honest, the sight of you makes me fucking sick.”

  The minute Danny turned into the kitchen and was sure Kat couldn’t see him, he gripped the edge of the countertop with both hands and exhaled a long shaky breath.

  Get a hold of yourself!

  Do not fall apart in front of her!

  He hadn’t been mentally or physically prepared to see her, but no amount of preparation would have done jack-shit, anyway, because the minute he’d opened the door and seen her standing there…

  It had been like coming back to life. It had been like his world made sense again. It had been like the intolerable nightmare of the past few days hadn’t happened.

  Because, apparently, no matter what she did to him or what lies she told him, he would always still want her.

  Love her.

  You shouldn’t be happy to see her.

  You shouldn’t even have let her come in.

  You should walk back in there and force her to leave.

  Before she destroys whatever is left of you.

  With a hard head shake, Danny let go of the counter and walked over to the fridge. Grabbing another Heineken out of the fridge, he popped the cap and guzzled down half of it in a few gulps.

  As he slowly lowered the beer bottle, Danny listened very hard, but couldn’t detect any movement. He walked back to the entrance of the kitchen, tilted his head, and glanced into the front room.

  Kat was still standing where he’d left her, hugging herself and shaking.

  Do not feel sorry for her.

  Do not hug her.

  Do not ask her why she looks so tired and pale.

  Do not give her an inch.

  Because you will not survive another rejection from her intact.

  Danny affixed his cold mask and cleared his throat. When she looked over with those big, hazel eyes – the dark, deep circles under them gutting him like a fish – Danny’s resolve waivered.

  Something is obviously eating her alive.

  Maybe she realizes she made a mistake.

  Maybe she realizes she does love you, after all.

  Maybe she came here to tell you she does want you.

  And you’re enough of a weak, desperate fool to take her back.

  “Come here, Kat,” Danny commanded quietly.

  And he’d be damned if she didn’t immediately start walking toward him. Kat stopped right inside the entrance of the kitchen, still holding herself and still visibly shaking.

  And still staring up at him with those eyes.

  Danny met them head-on. “What do you want, Kat?”

  Say you were wrong.

  Say you need me.

  Say you love me.

  Say you’ll never hurt me like that again.

  Say it and end this hell I’ve been living in.

  Kat cleared her throat. “I was, uh, worried. About you.” She averted her eyes to the floor. “You know, since it’s Christmas. And I knew you’d be alone.” Kat lifted her eyes to his again. “I wanted to make sure you were …I don’t know…okay, I guess.”

  Bitter disappointment and fresh anger flooded his body.

  “Ah, a holiday pity visit. My absolute favorite.” Danny plastered on the fakest smile he could manage. “Well, thank you so much for stopping by, Kat. As always, it’s been a total fucking pleasure. But now I’d really appreciate it if you could get the fuck out of my life. And stay out. Starting now.”

  Tears welled in her eyes as she continued staring up at him with those damned eyes.

  Danny pushed a scoff out. “Spare me the fake crying, would you? It’s insulting to us both.”

  “It’s not fake,” she replied softly.

  “Then it’s stemming from pity and I have even less fucking patience for that bullshit.”

  When she just stood there, whole body shaking and her eyes still welling and spilling over, Danny’s gut twisted.

  Don’t you dare feel sorry for her.

  She lied to you.

  She used you.

  She dumped you.

  She’s already moved on with someone else.

  And that thought…those images…the unbearably painful images of Kat and Ben together…Kat with anyone else…

  They’d been tormenting Danny’s soul for days. They’d haunted his nightmares and made his days seem like living ones. Because it was one thing to lose her…to find out she didn’t love him and never had and that she thought he wasn’t good enough for her, but it was a whole different thing to know she was with someone else.

  And that’s why Danny had spent every waking minute he hadn’t been working completely shit-faced.

  That’s why he’d been well on his way to buzzed, despite having to work in a few hours, when she’d knocked on his door.

  “Does your new boyfriend know you’re here checking on me? I’m guessing not, because I can’t imagine he’d be very understanding about this little mercy visit,” Danny said. He tilted his head, eyeing her. “Does he know you’re here, Kat?” When she didn’t answer, Danny shook his head slowly, lips curling. “More lies, huh? Funny, I never took you for a stone-cold liar and I’m usually pretty good at spotting them. You are good. You really had me fooled.”

  “Ben and I are not together,” Kat whispered. So softly Danny almost couldn’t make out what she said.

  Almost.

  He leaned in dramatically. “What�
�s that?”

  She cleared her throat again. “Ben and I are not together.”

  His heart wanted to believe her, but his self-defenses shot that shit right down.

  Danny shrugged. “I couldn’t give less of a shit who you’re fucking, Kat. Ben, your guys at the lab…hell, for all I know and care, you could be screwing the entire office building.”

  Kat stepped forward, eyes flashing. “How dare you…”

  “Actually, that’s the good thing about getting your cherry popped – now you can fuck as many people as you want without having to care about it meaning something. ‘Cause any time after the first time doesn’t mean shit anyway, right? It’s all just about getting off at that point, right, Kat?”

  Danny was thrilled to see the fire back in her eyes, because the dull, lifeless look she’d been sporting a minute ago had pushed him dangerously close to grabbing her and holding her – self-preservation, be damned.

  “I never said the sex didn’t mean anything to me, Danny. You said that.”

  “Well, if you don’t love the person you’re fucking, then what meaning does the sex have, exactly?” When she didn’t answer, Danny reared back, brows up. “Well? I’m waiting. I’m dying to hear what all that loveless sex meant to you, Kat. When she still didn’t respond, Danny huffed, setting his beer bottle down and crossing his arms over his chest. “Here, let me help you out…loveless sex doesn’t mean shit. It’s just two body parts getting shoved together until someone comes. That’s it.”

  Kat winced. “That’s not what happened between us, Danny.”

  “I’m sure you don’t like acknowledging it in your pretty little head, but it’s the cold, hard truth. The minute you realized you didn’t love me, but continued to screw me, you were using me for a fuck-stick, Kat, plain and simple.” Danny lifted a shoulder. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of…millions of people have sex every day without being in love. Hell, I did it for twenty-one years. The difference is you knew I was in love with you and you lied to me. To keep getting what you wanted, without caring what it was going to do to me. And that’s what hurts the most, Kat…that you didn’t even think enough of me to be honest with me.”

  “You’re right, Danny,” she whispered hoarsely, tears now streaming down her face. “I took what I wanted from you, even though I knew I shouldn’t have…that it was wrong to accept it, knowing we could never be together. And I was too much of a selfish coward to be honest with you.” Kat squeezed her eyes shut, sending more tears falling, before she opened them again, the raw emotion in them like a knife to Danny’s heart. “But I just wanted you so badly…too badly to make myself walk away from you. So badly I couldn’t think of anything other than having you, Danny. Even knowing it would hurt you, knowing it would destroy me…” Her voice hitched on a soft sob, more tears falling. “Knowing it could never last forever.”

  Kat’s gaze suddenly dropped, landing on something Danny had tried containing, but couldn’t. Something he’d managed to keep somewhat under control until Kat had started talking about how much she’d wanted him.

  Danny looked down at his unruly, traitorous erection. With a scoff, he grabbed at it and looked up, her widened eyes now glued to his.

  Smiling tightly, he said, “Well, look who doesn’t give a shit whether you love me or not.” Danny stroked himself twice, more turned on by the way Kat’s lips parted and her eyes widened than by the friction he was creating. “And I guess he doesn’t care that you’re a liar or a user, either…” He squeezed himself hard, reflexively biting his lower lip at the pleasure it produced. “’Cause I am hard as a fucking rock for you, Kat. Just like always.”

  Kat’s gaze once again firmly affixed to his dick, Danny stroked himself a few more times, nearly coming undone by the way she grabbed a kitchen chair for support as she watched him.

  “Maybe this is the real reason you came here, hmmm, Kat?” he asked huskily, grabbing himself and squeezing again. “Maybe you were missing this…needing this…so badly again you just couldn’t stay away? Maybe, even though Ben is the better man, he just can’t give it to you like I can, huh, baby?”

  Kat shook her head, weakly, eyes still on his hand manipulating his dick. “No…”

  Danny scoffed. “No?” He shook his head. “Tsk, tsk, tsk…I think you’re lying again, Kat.”

  She continued shaking her head no, but kept her eyes glued to his dick like she was starved for it.

  Which had him pushing every hurt, fear, concern, and what was left his pride aside in a frantic need to touch her again.

  “Kat, look at me,” he said evenly, causing her to lift her hooded eyes to his. “I’m going to ask you this one time…” Danny leveled a hard, direct gaze on her. “Do you want me to fuck you right now?”

  After a brief, shocked pause, she opened her mouth, but Danny lifted a hand, silencing her. “Before you answer, I want you to think good and hard, because I won’t be asking again either way. If you say no, I’m going to tell you to leave. Immediately. If you say yes, I’m not going say another word; I’m just gonna fuck you. So make sure whatever you say is what you really want, Kat, because I am not playing any more of your games or listening to any more of your lies.”

  Kat’s brain wasn’t working anywhere near optimum ability, but she still attempted to apply some logic to the situation.

  And failed miserably.

  Because she needed him so badly she was going to take him anyway she could get him.

  Fickle Bitch Brain: And maybe, after we make love, Danny will thaw out. Maybe we can talk and laugh and just be together for a little while. Maybe I’ll end up telling him everything, he’ll forgive me, and maybe…

  Better Judgment: Yeah, maybe, what? All of your reasons for ending things are still valid. And you’ve done the hard part! Don’t revert now! Don’t cause the both of you even more pain! What the hell are you thinking? You’re about to do the exact thing you just apologized to him for! You know he loved you…that he still loves you…and yet you are about to selfishly, cruelly hurt him again! What kind of horrible, evil bitch are you?

  Kat steeled her resolve and opened her mouth to reject him, once again, for his own good. And to preserve what was left of her self-esteem and sanity.

  “Danny, I-”

  But he was already coming toward her, lips set in a grim line and eyes on fire. “You took too fucking long,” he growled before grabbing the front of her jacket and yanking her closer.

  Oh, God, yes…

  Kat stared up into his hard, determined face, her entire body trembling with need and excitement, as he yanked down her jacket zipper. Two seconds later the jacket was off and Kat stepped closer to him, hands coming up to grab his biceps.

  But Danny grabbed her wrists before she could make contact, holding them still as his eyes bore into hers. “None of that today, Kat, ‘cause that’s not what this is about.” Answering her questioning gaze, Danny said, “You never loved me and I don’t love you anymore, so that makes this fucking for sport.” His lips curled slightly. “And, let me tell you from vast experience, fucking for sport is a whole different ballgame, honey. No better, no worse. Just a way different set of rules.”

  He grabbed her by her hips, turned her around, picked her up, and walked them over a few feet to his kitchen counter. Danny set her back down, pressed his palm into her mid-back, and pushed her forward until her entire torso was flat against the counter.

  “What…”

  When she tried to bend at the waist and rise up, he pushed her back down. “Don’t move.”

  Kat squeezed her eyes shut tight, mind racing, breathing ragged, and her heart aching like nothing she’d ever felt before.

  But her body was aching, too. Kat wanted to feel Danny inside of her again so much she couldn’t imagine not allowing this to happen.

  I didn’t want it this way. I wanted to hold him. Touch him. Kiss him. Whisper things to him. And I was dying for him to do the same.

  But beggars couldn’t be choosers. And Ka
t wanted him – wanted this – more than she cared about how Danny chose to give it to her.

  “We never did it this way, did we, Kat?” he asked evenly, in a tone that would have been more fitting for a question about the weather. “Not quite ‘doggy-style,’ as that would imply you were on all fours. And not ‘spooning,’ since that would imply we were lying down.” Kat could almost hear him shrug. “I guess we’ll just call this ‘girl getting bent over a kitchen counter’ and call it a day, huh? No need for fancy titles with fuck-buddies, right, Kat?”

  The tears formed again. She’d known they were going to and, yet, when they did, Kat still chastised herself.

  You did this. You hurt him. You turned him cold.

  And now you’ll take him any way you can get him.

  Kat gasped softly when Danny’s fingers slid beneath the back waistband of her pants. She waited, nervous and excited, for him to do whatever it was he was about to do to her.

  But he didn’t pull them down.

  Or do anything else.

  Or say anything else.

  For a long, nerve-wracking, heart-wrenching time.

  She heard his hard, labored breathing and felt his fingers trembling against the skin of her lower back…sensed and internalized his intense emotions as if he’d spoken them aloud.

  He was hurting.

  And conflicted.

  And, just as she’d already known, he still loved her so very much.

  As much as she still, and always would, love him.

  “Danny…” Kat whispered, her entire chest cavity aching so badly she could hardly speak.

  “I can’t do it, Kat,” he finally choked out, removing his fingers from her waistband and his palm from her back. “I just…”

  Kat pressed her palms to the counter, pushed herself up, and turned around to face him. Danny met her eyes, his anguished expression nearly buckling her knees beneath her.

  “I just can’t…” Danny slowly shook his head. “I don’t know how to do it to you that way, I guess…because I…” He searched her face for a few long moments before whispering, “Because I love you too much, Kat. And I guess, no matter what you’ve done and how you’ve hurt me, I always will.”