All of You

by Gina Sorelle

  Kat didn’t wait for a response, because this was not a conversation, so whatever they had to say back really didn’t matter.

  And because she was officially done.

  Kat turned around, stalked to her bedroom – numb, fatigued limbs, be damned – and slammed her bedroom so hard it bounced back without catching. So Kat got the satisfaction of slamming it a second time before kicking the back of it and locking it. She turned the fan she used to sleep on high, kicked off her shoes, and crawled into bed. Covers pulled over her head and her face buried in a mound of pillows, Kat finally felt safe enough let go completely.

  But the tears never came. And her brain sort of shut down. Because, suddenly, Kat was too mentally and physically exhausted to do anything more than just lie there.

  Completely numb.

  She squeezed her eyes shut tight and willed herself to sleep.

  Chapter Forty-One

  ‡

  “Damn, I’m glad that guy didn’t want to press charges,” Nathan said as they trudged down the metal apartment complex stairs. He stepped off the bottom step, Danny right behind him, and added, “The last thing I wanted to smell in our car for the next week is fucking Honeybaked Ham.”

  Danny forced a smile and nodded as they made their way toward the cruiser. “Gotta say one thing for Stella’s family – they might be loud and scrappy, but at least they don’t get pissy drunk on Christmas and start throwing fifteen pound cured meats at each other.”

  Nathan muttered something unintelligible about candles under his breath before saying, “Well, there’s always next year.”

  Nathan unlocked the doors and both men slid into their seats. He turned over the ignition, cranked the heat, and then cleared his throat, which made Danny’s left hand ball into a fist against his thigh.

  Because any time Nathan cleared his throat like that, it could only mean two things: a lecture or a stilted attempt at being touchy-feely.

  Or, God forbid, both.

  And Danny already knew what this little particular chit-chat was going to be about. Stella had called and texted a bunch of times to ask Danny what the hell had happened and tell him that she needed to talk to him.

  “ASAP!!!” she’d denoted.

  Communication and requests Danny had totally ignored and planned to ignore for the foreseeable future.

  “Don’t feel obligated to say a word, Nathan,” Danny said, heading him off at the pass. “And I don’t want to talk about it, either, so let’s not go there.”

  “Can you at least tell me what caused the break-up?” Nathan asked, staring straight forward. “So I have something to tell Stella? Because Kat’s not talking and her sisters are going out of their minds wondering what happened.”

  “Does it really matter what caused it? Sometimes shit doesn’t work out. Happens every day between people a lot better suited than her and me.” Danny lifted a shoulder, gazing out the passenger side window at nothing at all. The same hideous reel of memories flashed through his mind, tormenting him and causing his throat to tighten up. “Fucking stupid of us to even try.”

  Stupid of you to try.

  She didn’t try shit.

  “Maybe if you guys talked…”

  Danny shook his head. “Nothing to talk about, brother, and nothing to fix. And nothing is going to change that, so, like I said, no sense in discussing it.”

  She doesn’t want me.

  She doesn’t love me.

  She never did.

  She never will.

  “Kat looks really bad, Danny.” When Danny turned to face him, Nathan did the same. “Really bad. So bad her sisters are contemplating forcing her to go to the hospital tonight.”

  Danny thought back on Kat’s paleness, the shaking, the crying, and the horrible dark circles under her eyes and felt sick to his stomach. He knew it was her guilty conscience manifesting in physical symptoms, but that didn’t make seeing it and hearing about it any easier.

  He shrugged. “Not my problem, anymore, right? If her sisters wanna take her to the hospital, then let ‘em take her. What do I give a fuck?” Danny forced a hard scoff. “Probably something with her goddamn disease. And what the hell am I supposed to do about it, anyway? We broke up! We’re not together anymore! So, I’m not really sure why you’re wasting your breath telling me about shit that has nothing to do with me!”

  Nathan eyed him, quirking his brow. “You always were the shittiest BSer I ever met, Mac. And you still are. Plus, you look damn near as banged up as she does – and you have for days. I didn’t say anything about it earlier, because I figured you guys were just having a fight. I thought that, whatever it was, it would blow over soon.”

  When Danny didn’t say anything, because there was nothing to say, Nathan asked, “That bad, huh?”

  Danny turned back to face the window, palms sweating, heart pounding, and chest tight. “We were just looking for different things, that’s all.”

  “But you guys seemed so happy and shit. All…” Nathan scoffed. “I don’t know what the fuck…in love, or whatever.”

  “Guess not,” Danny choked out.

  “Why don’t you talk to Stella about it? Maybe she can help.”

  Danny barked out a harsh laugh, turning back to face him. “Can Stella make the last two weeks of my life disappear? Because, if not, she is of absolutely no fucking value to me!”

  Nathan’s expression blanked out, which Danny knew meant he was internally trying to calm down…probably in an attempt to not break Danny’s face.

  “That wasn’t a dig at Stella, so get a fucking grip on yourself, okay, Nathan?” Danny scoffed. “Jesus…you know, you’re actually making me damn glad shit didn’t work out with Kat. Because if I had started acting as pussy-whipped as you, I might have had to kick my own ass.”

  Never mind your face is probably next to the Urban Dictionary definition for “pussy-whipped.”

  And at least the woman Nathan’s whipped over wants him. Loves him. Married him. You went full lap-dog for a woman who didn’t even like you enough to keep you around for booty calls.

  And that depressing little reminder was a perfect segue into something Danny had been dreading doing all night.

  He met Nathan’s still narrowed gaze. “Sorry. Forget it. But, now that we got that shit out of the way, there is something I need to talk to you about.” Danny took a deep breath. “You remember Sean Cavanagh? From the Academy?”

  “‘Crazy Cavanagh?’” Nathan grunted. “Yeah, I remember him. You guys played on some rec basketball league together, too, right?”

  Danny nodded. “He moved to California and joined the LAPD. Last year, he went through SWAT training and he just got a spot on their team.”

  He paused, because this next part was going to be very difficult to say.

  For a lot of reasons.

  Danny cleared his throat. “As you know I’ve been throwing around the idea of joining our SWAT for a while.” He paused, allowing Nathan to nod. Very slowly. “Well, now I’m thinking I might need an even bigger change than that. Maybe…I don’t know…maybe I need to get out of Cleveland for a while.”

  Nathan’s expression didn’t change, but, then again, it rarely did, regardless of circumstance. But Danny knew he was shocked. And probably hurt.

  They’d been allies, friends, and un-biological brothers for over twenty years. Partners for eleven years. And each other’s only family for damn near most of their lives, until Nathan met Stella.

  Danny would’ve been gutted if Nathan had been the one announcing he was moving away, so Nathan’s feelings were totally understandable.

  They weren’t going to keep Danny here, but they were understandable.

  “So, what you’re telling me is, you’re planning to move to LA and join their SWAT team?” Nathan asked evenly.

  “I called Sean last night and talked to him about it. I’d have to get hired onto their force and go through training, but he says, with my record, I have a good shot at making the team within six
months to a year.”

  Nathan paused. “Moving away isn’t going to make it hurt any less, Danny. And it’s not going to make you forget about her, either. So why don’t you stick around and try to work it out? Because let me tell you – as someone who tried to run away from painful shit – it does not work, brother. Doesn’t work and only ends up hurting the people you love even more.”

  “Like I said, there’s nothing to work out. And I do need to get away from her. Far away. Because there wasn’t a lot of me before her, but there’s even less of me now. And if I stick around here…” He swallowed hard, head shaking. “If I have to look at her and be around her…it will destroy me, Nathan. Whatever is left will disappear. So I have to go. I don’t want to leave you and Stella…and, fucking-A, I really don’t want to leave Gia, but I have to, brother. I’m sorry.”

  Nathan eyed him for a few long moments before saying, “Just tell me what happened, Danny. Because I can’t offer appropriate advice or point you in the right direction if I don’t know what your motivating factors are.” He paused. “Did you cheat on her and she found out?”

  “What?”

  “You were a single guy, free to do whatever you wanted, for your entire life, Mac. You did a lot of crazy shit with a lot of crazy women. I can see you having a hard time giving that up cold turkey.”

  If Danny hadn’t been so offended, he would have laughed right in Nathan’s face. The elimination of strange tail from his life had been not only effortless, but one of the million benefits of falling in love with Kat. Of being monogamous with her. Of planning to be monogamous with her forever.

  “I’m not gonna lie…that stings, Nathan. But, it doesn’t matter. I didn’t cheat on Kat. I had no reason to cheat on Kat and, even if I had, I still wouldn’t have, because I loved her. And because I don’t believe in that shit.” He shrugged. “Thought you knew that about me, but I guess not.”

  Nathan had the decency to look slightly ashamed, or as ashamed as Nathan ever looked.

  He shrugged. “Sorry. Just a thought. Just trying to figure out what the fuck happened since you’ve for once in your life decided to clam up on me.”

  Danny quirked a brow. “Aren’t you gonna ask me if Kat cheated on me and I found out?”

  Nathan grunted.

  “What, you don’t think that’s possible?” Danny asked.

  “No, it’s just we wouldn’t be sitting here, if that was the case. Pretty sure you’d be in the back of the cruiser, handcuffed, and we’d have a chalk-outlined guy lying somewhere to I.D.”

  Danny’s first response was to say, “You’re goddamned right,” but thinking about Kat being with another man only drove home the agony of knowing she wasn’t his anymore.

  That she never had been.

  And that she never would be.

  “Nine, do you copy?” The dispatcher cut in over the two-way.

  Danny grabbed the receiver. “Nine, here. Go ahead, dispatch.”

  “760 LaFayette St. Domestic disturbance. Thirty-two year old man reportedly punching various family members over placement of ornaments on a Christmas tree.”

  After exchanging a quick look with Danny, Nathan pulled on his seatbelt with a sigh and put the cruiser into drive.

  “Ten-four, dispatch. We’re on our way,” Danny said.

  “Copy that, Nine.”

  Danny replaced the receiver, grateful for the interruption.

  And even more grateful for Nathan’s decision to drive to the call in silence, without saying another word about Kat, the break-up, or Danny’s decision to run away from home.

  Chapter Forty-Two

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  A few days later, Kat stared at the second paragraph on page two-hundred and thirteen of The Book Thief until her eyes literally starting crossing. It was the same paragraph of the same book she’d been trying to read, without any success, since everything had started up with Danny. At the rate she was going, she’d never finish…because every time Kat sat down to read or tried to eat or took a crack at sleeping or attempted to do anything, really, all she ended up doing was thinking about Danny.

  And sobbing. Because the numbness from the other night had quickly worn off, leaving her every bit as raw and emotional as she’d been before her little meltdown.

  The events of Christmas Day played over and over again, like a haunting movie reel in her mind. The sight of him, the smell of him, the feel of his hands at the small of her back…those awful, beautiful declarations of love…

  “Because I just love you too much, Kat. And I guess, no matter what you’ve done and how you’ve hurt me, I always will.”

  Kat squeezed her eyes shut tight – against his words, against the image of his face as he’d said them, and against the newest batch of tears forming.

  “I’d be embarrassed, but I’m pretty sure you already knew it, anyway. Hell, it’s probably one of the many reasons you couldn’t love me back.”

  Kat doubled over on the couch, hands fisted in the afghan and tears rolling down her cheeks. She sobbed silently, gasping for breath, remembering how very close she’d come, in that moment, to screaming: “Nothing you could ever say or do would keep me from loving you, Danny!”

  Because it was true. And because it had been nearly unbearable to breathe – and still was – knowing how much she’d hurt him and how much irreparable damage she’d done to them both…

  Oh, God, I love him so much…

  “Kat!”

  Kat glanced up to find Fi rushing out of her bedroom, clad in her favorite Nick & Nora gnome flannel pajamas and her hair wild. “What’s wrong, cara? Did something happen?”

  Kat couldn’t have managed, “What do you mean?” or “Nothing,” or “I’m fine,” had she tried. All she had left in her was sloppy, broken-hearted girl gibberish, her face mashed into the afghan as the sobs wracked her body.

  Fi kneeled next to the couch, squinting at Kat. “Aw, honey…” Fi blindly moved her hand around the vicinity of Kat’s body. “Dammit, I forgot to grab my glasses,” she muttered, before finally managing to locate Kat’s back. “I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m here for you.” She patted it gently as Kat continued to sob like crazy, face-down into the couch. “Oh, Kat, I know, I know…I’m so sor-”

  There was a loud crash from outside and Fi paused, her hand going still on Kat’s back. “What the hell…”

  High-pitched, loud giggling and squealing barely registered, the pain of everything she’d done, everything Danny had said, and the life that she’d lost still ravaging her brain and body.

  “It’s a frickin’ Wednesday night at…” Fi paused, squinting. “1:30 in the damn morning.” She scoffed. “So I guess we’ve got some real drunken dum-dums bumping around out there.” Fi resumed rubbing Kat’s back, but halted again when there was another crash and some more peals of female laughter. “That’s it. I’m grabbing my glasses,” she said, pushing herself up. “And then I’m gonna tell Snooki and JWoww to take it down a notch or I’m gonna call the cops.”

  When the mention of cops just made Kat cry harder, Fi exhaled a hard sigh. “Sorry, cara. No cops, okay? No cops.” Fi exhaled a hard sigh. “I guess citizens arrests, it is,” she muttered, heading into the bedroom.

  Kat continued crying, not giving anywhere close to a shit about any drunken party girls stumbling around outside…at least not until she heard a male voice join in…

  Kat slowly lifted her head off the couch and cocked it, straining to hear.

  But she never got another chance to evaluate the male voice – not that it mattered, since, deep-down she already knew who it was, anyway – because a few seconds later, some heavy-handed knocks landed on their front door.

  “Aw, hell, no,” Fi said, storming toward the door.

  “Fi, wait! Don’t!” Kat croaked out, trying to stand.

  But it was too late. Kat was too slow, Fi was too pissed, and a few seconds later, their front door was swinging open.

  “Well, hi, there, Fi!” Danny’s
voice boomed, echoing through their quiet apartment and slamming into Kat’s chest like a ton of bricks. “How ya doin’ tonight?” Danny flashed Fi a shit-eating grin and winked. “Or should I say, this morning, Miss Fi?”

  “Dear God,” Fi finally breathed out, standing stock-still, hand on the door…clearly shocked at what her eyes beheld.

  But shocked didn’t come close to describing Kat’s reaction to Danny standing in their doorway, a woman under each arm.

  Her physiological reaction was nothing less than what incredibly hard sucker punches to her head and stomach would have caused – momentary inabilities to think, breathe, move, or do anything other than sit there and try to live through the pain.

  “Had my new friends bring me by…” Danny’s smile slipped a bit, as did his hold on the young, petite blonde under his left arm.

  When the woman pressed her left hand into Danny’s side to right him – and probably to keep herself upright, as well – Kat’s hands balled into fists in her lap.

  “Thanks, darlin’,” Danny said, flashing the woman a smarmy smile before turning back to Fi. “Anyway, like I was sayin’, I had my new friends…” His smile faded again, brows dropping. He turned back to petite blonde. “What was your name again, honey?”

  She giggled. “Roxi. With an ‘i.’”

  “That’s right! Roxi with an ‘i!’ So, I had Roxi and…” Danny turned to the taller, long-haired brunette on his right and gave her a hooded, expectant look.