The emotion burned in her eyes. “I already knew that, Scotty.”
“Just making sure.” I stroked her hair until her eyes fell heavy. I watched her face as sleep took over. When her lips parted slightly and her breathing became even, I knew she was gone. I stared at her, organizing all my thoughts and emotions.
Now I had five people to murder. I couldn’t tell Liam the truth so how would this work? I guess I’d have to chase down the remaining five guys on my own. And murder them in cold blood.
Livia finally confessed the truth, so this made my life a little easier. Now I could just ask her for the names. I could kill them off like flies. They would search for the bodies but never find them.
My hands started to shake from thinking about it.
I couldn’t sleep. I knew nightmares would take me. Instead, I stayed awake, watching Livia sleep.
“Come over tonight and I’ll cook dinner,” I said as I walked her to her car.
“You can cook more than breakfast?” she teased.
“A lot more.” I gave her a smile even though I was dying inside.
“Then count me in.”
I opened the door for her. “Sounds good.”
She put her purse down then turned back to me. “Can I…spend the night too?”
Did she really need to ask? “Livia, you’re welcome here anytime. If you wanted to move in, I wouldn’t mind.” I really wouldn’t. Then I could keep an eye on her at all times. No psychos would come after her because they would know she lived with a damn grizzly.
She smiled slightly. “Okay.”
I kissed her cheek. “I’ll see you later, babe.”
“Bye.” She got inside her car then drove away.
I wasn’t going to school today. No. Fuck no.
Liam opened the door with a confused look on his face. “Don’t you have class right now?”
“Forget school.” I came in uninvited.
“Please come in,” he said sarcastically.
I gripped my skull while I paced across his living room.
“What’s on your mind?” Liam asked.
“Livia came to my house last night.”
“And?” Hope was in his eyes.
“She told me the real reason why she ended it.”
He crossed his arms over his chest.
“Since she was raped she assumed I would be disgusted with her and want nothing to do with her.”
He sighed. “I was wondering if that was it.”
“She thought she was doing the right thing.”
“Then why are you upset?”
“Because…she told me what really happened.”
Silence stretched while Liam watched me.
“It’s a lot worse than I initially thought.”
“Meaning…?”
“I can’t tell you…but it’s bad, Liam.”
He nodded. “I understand. How can I help?”
“I still need to rip that guy’s head off. You need to hold his shoulders while I snap his spine.” The hatred spewed out of my mouth.
“Are you going to ask her for a name?”
“Yeah. I didn’t want to do it yesterday because she was too upset. I’ll need to wait a while.”
“Good idea.”
“But when I get that name, we’re going to war.” I gave him a firm look. “I’m not letting up on this. I will kill him. So you shouldn’t get yourself involved if you aren’t ready for this.”
“What will killing him do?” He remained calm.
“He would get what he deserves.” Was that a serious question?
“If you’re intending to actually murder him, there will be consequences. If you get caught, it could end your life.”
“So be it.” I was too angry to think straight.
“And how will that help Livia?” Liam asked. “She needs you to help her get through this, to be okay again. Her confidence is shaken and her trust is broken. Work on that, not this asshole.”
“What if it were Keira?” That was a cheap shot but whatever.
He was silent for a long time. “I spent a year cultivating a relationship with her. In that time, I taught her to trust me. I taught her self-defense. And I repaired all that damage that fucker did. With me, she became whole. And when he came after her, she didn’t cower away and become the victim again. She killed him. And that was the greatest peace she would ever find. Honestly, I’m glad it turned out that way. It wouldn’t have helped her if I killed him. It made all the difference in the world.”
For a fighter, he was strangely peaceful. I expected his aggression to come out but he held it in check. “You used to be angry all the time. What happened?”
He gave me a serious look. “Keira happened.”
I was jealous he and Keira had survived all the turmoil and found pure happiness. Livia and I had just begun our journey. I wanted the trust they had, the implicit understanding of one another’s thoughts and feelings. I wanted to be happy. But how could I be when the woman I loved was suffering?
Liam watched me. “You’ll get through it. I know you will.”
“I still want to kill him.”
He was quiet for a long time. “You know I’ll do anything for you, and not just because I’m going to be related to you. You’re a good friend, the best one I got, actually. But think it through first.”
“I don’t want to think,” I said darkly.
“Just put Livia first. That will steer you in the right direction.”
She arrived at my house just when I finished cooking dinner. “Why weren’t you in class today?”
“I had to take care of something.” I wrapped my arms around her waist and gave her a quick kiss.
“What?” she asked.
Stop asking questions. “I needed to talk to Liam.”
“Oh.” She placed her bag on the couch. “Everything okay?”
In so many words… “Yeah.”
She glanced at the kitchen. “Something smells good.”
“I made pretzel chicken and rice.”
“Pretzel chicken?” She raised an eyebrow. “I’ve never heard of that.”
“It’s my secret recipe.”
“Are you a fighter or a chef?” she teased.
“Neither.” I gave her a kiss on the forehead. “I’m a lover.”
She melted right before my eyes.
“Sit down and let’s eat. I’m starving.”
“Okay.” Her cheeks had a rosy color to them.
I pulled the chair out for her then sat across from her. “How was your day?”
“It was fine. I was bummed when I didn’t see you in class.”
“I just would have distracted you anyway.” I winked at her. It was important to make her comfortable again, to show her that nothing had changed between us. What happened to her wouldn’t affect my love for her. She was still the girl of my dreams, the only woman I wanted. Her image wasn’t tarnished, and my obsession remained the same.
“You have a point.” She took a bite of her food. “Wow, this is really good.”
“Why are you surprised?”
“You just continue to amaze me.”
“I’m an amazing guy.” I winked again.
“Here comes that cockiness again…” A smile was on her lips and she was on the verge of laughing.
I’m glad I was making her loosen up again. “I’m surprised you aren’t cocky too. Join the fun.”
“I have nothing to be cocky about.”
I laughed. “You’re just the most beautiful girl in the world…no big deal.”
“No, I’m not,” she said seriously.
“Then you don’t see what I see.” I drank my water then returned it to the table.
“I don’t know what you see in me…you are way hotter.”
I cocked an eyebrow. I’d never heard her compliment my appearance in a vulgar way. I caught her staring at me a few times, but that was the most of it. “You think I’m hot?”
The redness that appea
red on her face told me she realized her mistake. “I just meant you have a really nice body…I mean…you’re really cute.” She panicked and tried to rectify the statement.
I smirked. “I like knowing you think I’m hot…and have a nice body.”
She wouldn’t look at me because she was so embarrassed.
I let her crawl into her hole and gather herself again. Honestly, it was kinda fun. I always wondered if she thought of me in that way. Every other girl did, but I thought Livia was immune. But I guess not.
I don’t think she’s always felt that way. In the beginning, I think she wasn’t affected by it, at least not like the other girls. She didn’t start to notice my physical attributes until she noticed my soul. And that’s how I wanted it. I was over cheap and superficial sex. I wanted to be loved for who I was, not my appearance. She and I had that in common. “Want to watch Gone with the Wind?”
Her eyes moved back to me, surprised by the subject change. “Sorry?”
“It was my mom’s favorite movie. She used to force me to watch it with her. By the fifth time I saw it, I didn’t hate it so much.”
“Sure…I love that movie.”
I cleared the plates and put them in the sink.
“Let me wash them. You always do all the work.”
My hand moved to her arm. “No, you’re my guest.”
“Just let me—”
I silenced her with the threat in my eyes.
“Nevermind…”
Good choice.
We cuddled on the couch and watched the movie. Certain things reminded me of my parents. Music, TV, paintings…they were everywhere. While it pained me, I didn’t want to forget their memory. I kept them alive by doing things just like I used to, like watching this movie.
“I’m sorry about your parents,” she whispered. Her head was on my chest and her arm was around my stomach.
“I know.” My hand glided through her hair.
“I won’t leave you again…as long as you want me.”
That reassurance was what my heart desired most. “I’ll always want you. So it looks like you’re stuck with me.”
“I like being stuck with you.”
When the movie was over, it was bedtime.
“Such a classic,” she said.
“Yeah. My mom watched it about a hundred times.” I scooped her up and carried her into my room, just like tradition. When I set her on my bed, she glanced at my bare walls. “Did you…throw away my painting?”
It was still in Keira’s room. I hadn’t returned it to the living room. It was too painful. “No. I still have it.”
“Oh.”
“It was just too hard to look at. I already missed you like crazy and it just made me depressed.”
“I understand…”
I got ready for bed then got under the covers. She changed in the bathroom then joined me under the sheets. Her slight form barely made a dip in the bed. Her smell dispersed everywhere, filling my nostrils and making me relax. She only wore one of my shirts, no bottoms.
Her hand rested on my chest, right over my heart. “Can I ask you something?”
“What I said still stands; you can ask me anything.”
“What happened with that girl…?”
“The one at the party?” I knew this would come up eventually. When she was running from me, I didn’t have a chance to explain anything.
“Yeah.” Her voice was weak, barely audible.
“I was drinking at the bar with the guys. Then they left and she moved in. I wasn’t thinking clearly and she wanted to hook up. It was clear we would never get back together so I thought it would make me feel better.” I didn’t sugarcoat it for her. I didn’t believe in lying. “When we got back to my place, we got naked. She kneeled at the bed and gave me head. It felt good for a second and then I thought about you. I couldn’t go through with it so I asked her to leave.”
She kept her silence, her hand suddenly feeling cold on my chest.
“She meant nothing to me.”
“Did you kiss her?”
“No. I don’t kiss when I fuck.”
“Have you…had sex with her before?”
“Several times.”
Her breathing increased. I felt her chest rise and fall and her warm breath fall on my skin. I did nothing wrong. She dumped me and broke my heart. Nothing really happened anyway. “Livia?”
“Yeah?”
“Does this change anything?”
“I hate picturing you with her…it hurts. But no, it doesn’t change anything.”
“For what its worth, I regret it.”
“I know.”
I would ask if she was with anyone, but I already knew the answer. “Am I your first serious boyfriend? Or have there been others?”
“I’ve never had a boyfriend before.”
What? How was that possible? She was drop-dead gorgeous. And she was twenty-two. “Is there a reason why?”
“I just never met the right guy. Everyone notices my beauty but never pays attention to anything else. They don’t listen to me talk. They don’t care about my opinion. They just want to sleep with me…use me.”
“I’m honored,” I whispered.
“So am I.” She kissed my shoulder then snuggled into me.
If what she said was true then…when did she lose her virginity? Was her first time a superficial fuck? Did she just sleep around? That didn’t sound like her. “Livia?”
“Yeah?”
I didn’t want to ask the question. I feared the answer. “When did you lose your virginity…?”
Silence stretched. She remained still. Her breathing hadn’t changed. Her fingers lightly touched my skin, not giving anything away. The darkness enveloped us, making me feel scared. I hoped for a different answer than the one I knew she would give.
She took a deep breath, her body moving closer to mine. “When I was raped.”
Fuck.
I tried not to let it get to me, but it did. I was so fucking pissed.
Why did this have to happen to the girl I loved? She was sweet and kind. She was passionate and beautiful. Why did demons have to demoralize her, rip her apart until there was nothing left?
I needed space.
I loved her with my whole heart. Nothing would ever change that. But I was afraid to show my anger around her, to let her see just how much it ripped me apart. The last thing I wanted was for her to think my feelings had changed. They hadn’t.
And they never would.
Tate aimed a punch at my throat but I sidestepped him then slammed my fist into his nose. I hit him hard, making blood seep. When he was off balance, I twisted his arm back, tripped him, and then kicked him to the ground.
I wasn’t done.
I grabbed his ankle when he turned onto his back.
“Enough!”
I dropped him then walked to the end of the mat, wanting to rip someone’s face off.
“What’s gotten into you?”
I placed my arms on the wall and leaned into it, resting my face against the white paint.
“Your performance has never been better but you’re acting like a lunatic.”
I breathed through the anger, wanting it to go away. I needed it to go away.
“Look at me.”
I stayed still.
“I’m talking to you, Strately.”
I finally faced him, feeling my arms shake.
He studied me before he lowered his voice. “Want to tell me what’s going on?”
“No.” I took off my gloves then threw them on the ground.
“When it affects my time with you, I need to know.”
“It’s none of your damn business,” I snapped.
“It is my business.” He marched to me, getting in my face. He wiped the blood from his face and continued to stare. “Now tell me. If you can’t concentrate then something needs to change.”
I kept my silence.
“Is it this girl you’re hung up on?”
I didn’t want to talk about Livia. “I’m done for today.”
“You were done the moment you walked in that door.”
“Fuck you.” My anger couldn’t be controlled.
He grabbed my arm and forced me to face him head on. “I’m not only your trainer. I’m your friend and I care about you. When you came in here, I wasn’t impressed. I figured this would be a waste of time. But you’ve come so far, have pushed yourself to the limits, and you’re one of the best fighters I’ve ever had the pleasure of training. Now talk to me, son.”
I was cracking, falling apart. I’d take my own life just to spare Livia the pain. She didn’t deserve to be assaulted like that.
“Strately?”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “Someone very close to me was raped.” I hated saying it. I kept picturing what they did to her, how they held her down while she sobbed. How much it must have hurt her… “And…I’m not handling it very well.”
Tate backed off slightly. “It’s your girl, isn’t it?”
I didn’t answer. I told Livia I wouldn’t tell anyone.
“I’m sorry, man. If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”
“There’s nothing,” I said bitterly.
“I’m here for you anyway.” He gave me a sad look. “Take the rest of the week off.”
“No,” I snapped. “I need this. I can’t function without violence.”
“Then you definitely need to take a break.”
“No. Why do you think Liam is such a great fighter? You think it’s because he’s happy and dandy all the time? No. He’s got his shit too. This is the only thing that helps me. This is the only way I can release my anger.” I moved back to the center of the mat. “So no, I will not be taking a break.”
I avoided Livia as much as possible. I needed to be alone right now. I couldn’t hide the anguish I felt. I couldn’t bottle the pain. It destroyed me, ripped me in half. Someone hurt my girl. How could I just pretend everything was okay? They took her fucking virginity.
God, I needed to kill someone.
Every time she called, I answered but made an excuse why I couldn’t see her. When she wanted to get lunch after class, I lied and said I wasn’t hungry. I made excuses over and over, choosing to stay in my house and listen to the echo of my own thoughts. I went through beers like they were water. I slept alone and my nightmares made me wake up in tears.
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