I didn’t have a clue.
“Because I hope that you’ll stick around and have a good time. Believe me, I can get a ride home from someone else. I only do it for you. And if I didn’t call you, you would never leave this fucking house.” He walked over to my easel and knocked it over. “Sitting in the dark with your paint brushes isn’t living, Livia. It’s barely existing. Now go talk to Scotty before it’s too late. In case you haven’t noticed, he’s a catch. Don’t let some other girl end up with him.”
My brother never blew up at me like that.
He stared me down. “I hate seeing you like this. Just tell me what the hell happened to you. Tell me.”
I averted my gaze.
He gripped the chair tightly then released it. “Fine. Throw your life away. Whatever.” He marched to the door but stopped and turned around. “Mom and Dad are right. Your life is a series of bad decisions.” He gave me a venomous glare. “And choosing not to live is the biggest one.” He walked out and slammed the door behind him, making the walls shake.
As the week passed, I felt myself fall apart. Now I didn’t even feel safe in my own home. My thoughts suffocated me. My longing for Scotty ripped me apart. All of this was my fault.
I deserved this agony.
But Scotty didn’t.
I couldn’t count the number of times I woke up in the morning and vowed my life would be different. Starting today, it would be different. I would talk to my old friends and apologize for disappearing. I would get my old life back. I would smile again, go for a jog around the block, have a beer at a party, and just fuck up like a normal college student.
But it never happened.
I reverted to my old ways, keeping all the curtains and blinds closed. When people spoke to me on campus, I ignored them and walked away. I avoided group work because I hated people.
They were all disgusting.
I considered taking my own life…more than once.
Ash was right. I wasn’t living. I was a waste of space. But I was too much of a coward to claim my life. Any time I thought about it, it made me sick.
When Scotty came around, those thoughts dulled. I was happy. I laughed. I actually laughed.
But now he was gone.
Scotty ignored me like he usually did in psychology. That wasn’t surprising, but it hurt anyway. I spent most of my time in the library, sitting in the corner, hiding from the world like always. In the back of my mind, I hoped Scotty would talk to me again. He never did.
When I was walking to my car, I saw two people I recognized.
Liam and Keira were standing near the driver’s door. Liam seemed indifferent, but his fiancé seemed pissed. She stared at me like she might rip me in half. She was my height and my size, but I had a feeling she could kick my ass. I wasn’t as weak as I made myself out to be, but she clearly had the rage going for her.
Liam put his hand on her arm. “Keira…”
She twisted her arm out of his grasp then marched to me. “Nobody fucks with my cousin and gets away with it.” She was so angry split flew out of her mouth. “Do you get off playing with him?”
Was that a serious question?
“How dare you hurt him like this, constantly playing games with him? Are you an idiot? I promise you’ll never find a better guy than him.” She gave me an angry look. “And you definitely won’t find someone to put up with your bullshit. He’s done everything for you, giving you everything he’s had, and you just walk away?”
I was speechless.
“Do me a favor. If you don’t want him, don’t you dare call him for anything. If some lunatic comes after you, that’s a job for the police, not my cousin. Don’t ask to stay at his place, you insensitive bitch.”
“Keira.” Liam grabbed her shoulder.
“No.” She moved out of his hold. “And for the record, he was drunk when he ran into Amanda at the bar. She picked up on him, and depressed as hell over you, he agreed. But when they got to his place, nothing happened. She went down on him for a second then he kicked her out—because of you. And how dare you accuse him of being a liar. That’s you, not him.” She finally turned around and walked back to Liam. “Let’s get out of here. I never want to see this girl again.”
Liam stayed behind while she walked away. Then he looked at me. “Just leave him alone, okay?” His voice was gentle, not threatening like Keira’s was. “I hoped you would tell him the real reason why you left him, but I guess you never will.” He had a knowing look in his eyes. “Take care.” He walked away, leaving me alone.
Somehow, I felt a million times worse.
Another week without Scotty was killing me. Memories of our time together came back to me. I remembered the smell of the breeze on our date at the zoo. My sheets still had his faint scent. No matter how many times I washed it the smell wouldn’t disappear. I saw his face everywhere. The clouds of the sky somehow formed his face. Whenever I had a paintbrush in my hand, I drew his face. My artistic inspiration was ruined by his absence.
I couldn’t take this anymore.
Maybe I should just tell him the truth….
But he would be disgusted with me.
He would despise me.
He wouldn’t look at me the same way.
But at least he wouldn’t be in pain anymore. He wouldn’t want me anymore. The problem would be fixed. His heart wouldn’t ache like mine did. He would be able to walk away without any regrets. I could take all the pain, sparing him. Since he was such an incredible guy, he deserved it.
But now I had to tell him…and I really didn’t want to.
I tried to brainstorm what I should say. How should I say it? I hadn’t told anyone what happened on that night six months ago. Not a single soul. Scotty would be the first.
What if he told everyone? What if rumors went around? I would be the poor girl that no one wanted. Everyone would look at me like something was wrong with me. They would judge me. They would think I was weak. They would think I was gross.
But he didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would do that, even after everything I did to him.
With a heavy heart, I left my cave and headed to his place.
His truck was in the driveway so I knew he was home. It took me a half an hour to walk from my car to his doorstep. Then I stood there, shifting my weight back and forth, not sure what to do with myself. My hands shook. My heart worked in overdrive. When I felt lightheaded, I closed my eyes and tried to stay calm.
I stood there for twenty minutes before I finally raised my fist to his door. I took a deep breath then knocked.
Oh god. This was really happening.
I heard his footsteps against the hardwood floor.
He was coming.
Shit, he was coming.
He opened the door then stared at me. His face was unreadable. His jaw was tense, and his eyes were darker than I’d ever seen them. I felt like he loathed me, hated looking at me. He kept one hand on the door while he looked at me. He didn’t speak. His chin was darker than it used to be, like he hadn’t shaved in several days. His normally green eyes were almost brown.
“Hi…”
He clenched his jaw.
“I…I wanted to talk to you.”
Nothing. He didn’t say a damn word.
God, he really did hate me.
He was as still as a statue. He didn’t even blink.
Just do it. Just get it over with. “I wanted to tell you the real reason why I ended…us.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You were nothing but wonderful to me and you earned the right to know.”
His body tensed visibly.
“I…” I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t force it out of my mouth. The acid burned in my throat just thinking about it. I remembered the way I was held down, the way I was bruised. It made me want to cry, to fall apart and never pick myself up again. How could anyone want me after what happened? I was disgusted with myself. Tears seeped from my eyes and started to fall.
Scotty didn’t comf
ort me. He just waited, staring me down like I was an opponent in the ring.
“I knew you wouldn’t want me anymore…so I just ended the relationship instead of putting you in an awkward situation. I thought I was doing the right thing, putting you first. I’m just sorry I let it drag on for so long.”
“That didn’t explain anything.” His voice was harsh. The anger seeped through.
I was avoiding the actual words as long as I could. When I said it out loud, it would make it real. It would make it permanent. I couldn’t just put it in the back of my mind and pretend it never happened. Someone else would know, making it immortal. I lost sight of why I was doing this, but I knew he deserved the truth. “I….I was raped.”
I took a deep breath, feeling my warm tears fall down my face. I closed my eyes, not wanting to see him look at me. Any love he had for me would disappear, fading so much that it was never there to begin with. Our relationship was already done, but now the memory was ruined. Everything changed.
I wanted to fall to my knees and disappear, becoming part of the trees and the grass. What I wanted more than anything was to disappear, to stop living, to stop thinking. I just wanted peace in my heart. But that’s something I would never have.
Two hands grabbed my wrists then gently pulled them down, making me expose my face. I kept my eyes closed, using my last line of defense against his piercing gaze.
“Livia.” His voice was gentle.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted. “I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you. I wasn’t thinking. You were just so wonderful to me and I felt safe…I didn’t want to lose you. I was so selfish. This is all my fault. I never meant to hurt you.”
“Livia.”
I still didn’t open my eyes.
“Look at me.”
“I can’t…you see me differently now. I don’t want to see the disgust on your face. I’m already ashamed.”
The firmness was in his voice. “Look at me.”
I took a deep breath then opened my eyes. My tears blurred my vision but I could still see. His eyes were green, vibrant and strong. The sadness was in the lines of his face. His lips were pressed together tightly. He moved his hands to my cheeks, cradling my face. “I love you, Livia.”
My lung gasped for air. “What…?”
“I love you,” he repeated. “Together or apart, that will never change.”
I remembered the words he texted me weeks ago.
“You know what I see when I look at you? I see the most amazing girl in the world. She has a heart of gold, the fingertips of a master painter, the lips of an angel, and the soul of an exceptional woman. She’s strong even if she doesn’t realize it. She’s beautiful, funny, and wonderful. She’s my best friend, the person I tell everything to. She hates gorillas but loves every other deadly creature in the world. She’s an enigma, a paradox. I can never tell what she’s thinking but I like to guess. She’s the only woman I love, the only person I’ve ever shared my soul with. And that’s exactly what I thought before.”
More tears fell down my face. My lungs burned from the lack of air.
“This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. Nothing could.”
“But you don’t understand…”
“Livia.” His voice was serious. “I’ve known the entire time we’ve been together.”
My heart raced. “What…?”
“Liam and I figured it out. You never take open drinks from anybody. Coupled with your obvious fear of men and hesitance of physical intimacy…I put it together.” He continued to stare at me, the depression heavy in his eyes.
I felt stupid. He knew the whole time? “Why didn’t you say something?”
“I know you, Livia. You would have pushed me away. I wanted you to tell me on your own terms, when you were ready. But I didn’t know it was the reason you didn’t want to be with me…I’m a little hurt you would think something like that would change my love for you.”
“But I’m disgusting—”
“Don’t say that again.” The anger sliced through the air, making me flinch. “Ever.” The threat was in his eyes. “You were the victim of a crime, Livia. That doesn’t make you lose value. It doesn’t change you. It doesn’t make me any less attracted to you.”
“But you don’t know the whole story…”
He didn’t lose his patience. “Some guy took something that didn’t belong to him—something that belongs to me, the man who loves you. That isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself. I knew this from the beginning, and it never stopped me from falling head-over-heels in love with you.”
“It wasn’t just one guy…” I hated thinking about it. I hated it.
His face reddened slightly. “What do you mean?” The life left his eyes. His hands left my face, lowering to his sides.
I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling small. “Roofies was put in my drink. I started to get confused…disoriented. I was pulled into a bedroom by one of them. He…held me down and did what he did. But then his friends did it too. I was tied up and gagged. I was too weak to fight—”
“Stop.” He raised his hand, silencing me. His eyes were closed.
My heart ached, knowing this would be too much for him.
A tear emerged from one eye then fell down his cheek. He took a deep breath then steadied his emotions. When he opened his eyes again, they were red and wet. “How many?”
“Five…”
He took another deep breath, like he was stabbed.
Seeing the pain on his face made more tears fall. “I’m sorry…”
He ran his hand through his hair, clearly flustered. Then he turned around, hiding his face from me. His chest rose and expanded with his heavy breathing. I’d never seen him lose his control like this.
I knew he wouldn’t be able to look past this. Who would? I was practically a communicable ashtray to a bunch of college students. Whenever I thought about it, I shook with pain.
Scotty turned back around, a little calmer. “Livia…”
Here it is. He’s going to walk away.
“I’m so sorry.” The sincerity was in his eyes. “That never should have happened.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat.
He wrapped his arm around my waist then pulled me to his chest, nuzzling his face into my neck. He breathed hard, just holding me. “I’m sorry.”
“I know…”
He squeezed me a little harder. “Now everything makes sense…”
I closed my eyes while he held me.
He pulled away then pressed his lips to my forehead. I inhaled deeply, loving the intimate touch we used to share. “Thank you for telling me.”
“Please don’t tell anyone else,” I begged.
“I won’t.”
I loosened my arms around his waist then stepped back. “I should go…”
Confusion spread across his face then he grabbed my hip, squeezing me. “This changes nothing, Livia.” The love burned in his eyes. “You are mine. And I am yours.”
“You…still want me?”
“Of course.” He pulled me back to his chest. “And not just now. But forever.”
I didn’t know what I did to get the love of one of the greatest guys I’ve ever met. He made me feel safe. He loved me even though I was broken. He didn’t judge me for what happened. He saw me as untarnished, unbroken. He brought me back to life every time he touched me.
Scotty scooped me into his arms and carried me into his house. Without asking, I knew where we were going. I wrapped my arms around his neck while he took me into his bedroom. Once he put me on the bed, he took off his shirt and his jeans, not bothering to put on sweatpants. He grabbed a shirt and handed it to me. “Put this on.” He walked out and shut the door.
Slowly, I took off my clothes, feeling numb. Scotty still wanted to be with me. He still loved me. He wasn’t turning his back on me. When he looked at me, he didn’t see them.
I got his shirt on then lay in his bed, letting the stress leave my body.
Scotty returned then moved under the sheets. He wrapped his body around mine, caging me like a bird. He pulled me closer even though I was as close as I could get. His hand massaged my back through my shirt.
Nothing was said. Scotty stared at me, the sadness heavy in his eyes.
I stared back at him, memorizing the face I missed so much.
“Livia, you’re going to be okay.”
No one had ever said that to me. Everyone always asked what was wrong with me. They said I was a freak, a loser. They said I made bad decisions, that I deserved every bad thing that ever happened to me. “You think so?”
He gave me a firm look. “I know so.”
CHAPTER FIVE
Scotty
Livia dropped a bomb on me—a nuclear one.
I was devastated thinking one guy took advantage of her, but five? My head was about to explode. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this angry. I wanted to demolish the house. Shit, I wanted to destroy the whole fucking neighborhood.
I hid my anger from her. She only saw my sadness, which was just as prominent as the fury. My attraction to her never changed. I wanted to be inside her, I wanted to make love to her. That was something that couldn’t be denied. But now I understood how long it would take us to ever get there. And I didn’t blame her for that. I couldn’t even imagine how horrific that experience was. I didn’t want to.
I had a lot of questions about that night. But she was too emotional and I was too upset to ask. I just needed to hold her. I couldn’t understand how a guy would take advantage of something beautiful in that way. If they couldn’t get laid, they should just use their hand to get their fix. I never, ever wanted to have a daughter. It was already painful enough with Livia, but I couldn’t imagine how bad it would feel if it were my little girl.
“I’m sorry about everything,” she whispered.
“It’s okay. Water under the bridge, babe.”
“But I know I hurt you…”
“It’s irrelevant now.” My hand moved to her neck and touched the strands of her soft hair. “Livia, I want you to know you’re safe with me. No one will ever hurt you again—I’ll see to it.”
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