491 Days
Page 4
(e) The blackouts which I have now had for the whole year of my detention grew worse and lasted longer. If I stood up suddenly I fell down. When I recovered I felt the blood rushing to the upper part of my body especially the head. I would then put my head between my knees.
(f) I filled the long and empty endless hours by reconstructing the story of my life in my mind. I was nine years old when I lost my mother, I can hardly remember her but I longed for her and cried bitterly when I thought of her. I remembered my hard childhood years without her, how poor my family was although my father was the school principal. I recalled how I had to wash his khaki shirt and iron it overnight, his baggy trousers often full of holes and I ironed them so badly because I was too young. The secret childhood tears I shed when the school children teased me about my shabbily dressed father. Mother’s illness had drained his pockets and we were nine children. Mother was ill for years and every penny was spent on doctor’s fees all over the district. When she died I had to nurse my three-month-old baby brother. All this came to my mind as though it had happened yesterday. I cried when I remembered how I cried as I was forced to leave school, put my baby brother on my back and go to look after cattle. Father could not afford even to hire a herd boy which was common practice those days.
(g) I could feel the blood pressure was dropping again. My pulse was raised and I had the attacks of breathlessness even during the day, this I never had before. I often had these at night if I lay flat.
(h) I worried a great deal about how I felt and worried more about the ‘boys’ in our group. I thought endlessly about how I could save my colleagues from this mental agony. I felt it was my duty to do something to save them no matter how drastic it would be as long as Nelson and my people would understand.
Chapter 5
The Decision
APRIL 1970
MY DECISION
During the second week of April I just could not take solitary confinement any more. I realised it might go on for another year before we were charged. There was no sign that we were going to be interrogated again. It suddenly dawned on me that if I took my life there would be no trial and my colleagues would be saved from the tortuous mental agony of solitary confinement. The long and empty hours tore through the inner core of my soul. There were moments when I got so fed up I banged my head against the cell wall. Physical pain was more tolerable.
I decided I would commit suicide but would do so gradually so that I should die of natural causes to spare Nelson and the children the pains of knowing I had taken my life. I thought there would be no better method of focusing the world attention on the terror of the Terrorism Act than this. I wanted also to avoid my death being interpreted as an act of cowardice hence the decision to make it look a natural death. I made up my mind I would first find out what was happening outside, try and establish contact with my attorney and my family so that I could leave a farewell note for my husband and my children which I would smuggle during the last few days of my life. I decided to take the following steps in preparation for my suicide:
(a) I remembered that it was possible for F.B.34 to communicate with one from the prison hospital, so if I landed myself in prison hospital, I might find a way of communicating with my attorney. I stopped taking my treatment. If the wardress stood in the cell to see that I took my tablets I put them under my tongue and spat them into the sanitary bucket as soon as the door was locked.
(b) I stopped eating. I drank my black cup of coffee in the morning. It is not sugared at all and it acted as a stimulant to my weak heart so the pulse was raised daily. I did not even attempt to sleep, I sat up through the night thinking of the step I had decided to take. I convinced myself that my own contribution to the struggle of my people was too infinitesimal and that at the moment there were too many odds against us in my country for any positive action and that my death would be a major contribution which would stir up world opinion and touch the conscience of those fellow South Africans who still have some conscience, especially the church and student groups. But I later decided I would say in my farewell note that I had taken my life in protest to the Terrorism Act. I wondered how many of my people had died in prison without anyone knowing, especially those who were arrested during the border clashes between SA’s security forces and our men.
(c) I stopped asking for permission to see the doctor. I lost weight rapidly. When I had my attacks they lasted longer each time. Towards the last week of April I noticed that during the attack certain parts of the body would jerk and twitch (almost epileptic like). Strangely enough I felt very happy within myself. I enjoyed the bitter sweetness of unjust suffering and was quite excited when I thought how dramatic my death would be. I was so happy at times I fell asleep and hoped I would not get up the following day even if I had not gone as far as the hospital, I did not care anymore.
ACC. 4 24.6.70
MY DECISION CONTINUED
I continued with my plans until the 1st of May when I was taken to Compol Building35 for interrogation. The rest of the information as to what took place thereafter is contained in my first notes already submitted. The following however was omitted for fear that the notes may be perused as before by the wardresses before they are handed to my attorney.
Brig Aucamp visited me on my return from the Compol Building. He had not seen me for quite a long time. This is the day I screamed at him about our suitcases and the conditions of our detention. He expressed his alarm about my loss of weight. It is him who arranged for me to be examined on the 6th of May. That was the day the doctor recommended urgent hospitalisation.
On the evening of the 1st of May Rita36 spoke to me at night. She said she had never heard me scream before the way I did when I spoke to Brig Aucamp. I think they were all generally concerned that I might make things worse for them. I explained that I personally thought that was the only way to deal with Brig as he completely misunderstands respect, he mistakes it for submission. They all expressed their gratitude when they got the suitcases, and realised that the screaming had achieved results after all.
During the exercise time on the 6th of May I managed to whisper through the peep hole of my cell door to No. 7 and told her I was going to hospital. I told her to tell the others not to worry because I had aggravated my condition deliberately to force the Aucamp group into taking some sort of decision concerning us even if it was re-interrogation for that matter. I told her I hoped to bring back some news from the hospital.
AFTER THE MEDICAL EXAMINATION OF THE 6TH OF MAY
I think the doctor became suspicious that I had not been taking treatment or that something else had developed other than the heart condition. He withdrew all the treatment and told matron Zeelie that he would not risk giving me any treatment until I was seen by the specialist. He said my condition was too bad. The very first night I spent in hospital I managed to speak to the prisoner who was ordered by Brig to sleep with me in hospital. Brig Aucamp gave me strict orders that I was not to speak to the said prisoner at all. There had to be someone with me because the doctor said I was very ill.
The hospital was cleared of very sick patients and I was locked up alone in hospital. When food was brought the wardress sat in hospital to see that I ate. Because I had not eaten for so long the stomach was immediately upset. I brought up all the food. The hospital orderly was called and he gave me tablets to stop the vomiting but I got worse.
By the 7th I had all the latest information about what was going on outside. I was checked daily by the hospital orderly. I continued vomiting and getting weaker. The appointment for the specialist was for the 20th of May. In the meantime the prison doctor prescribed something else I had not taken before (some red tablets).
I learned of new developments outside, the students’ protests,37 the press uproar etc. I then realised those concerned would soon be forced to issue a statement which might reveal our fate. I saw the statement issued by the Minister of Justice to the effect that we would be charged or released soon and the various st
atements issued by the Bar Council, Mr Wentzel, our attorney, Mr Mncube, Maponya,38 Dr Nkomo, Bishop Stranling39 etc. I could not wait to be back with my colleagues. All my plans were now changed. I was thrilled at the prospect of facing a trial at last. After seeing all the specialists as fully described in the notes already submitted I begged the matron to have me discharged back to the cell.
On the 13th or 14th of May I managed to smuggle a note to my family and attorney. That was when I still had the original plans in mind. I was very ill at the time. I was discharged on the 10th of June upon my request. That night I told my colleagues all the latest developments. But I was still too weak to have returned to the cell hence my re-admission on 15th June.40
34. Unknown.
35. Security police headquarters.
36. Rita Ndzanga, fellow detainee and co-accused.
37. Students from the University of the Witwatersrand had protested against the continued detention of Mrs Mandela and her group.
38. Richard Maponya.
39. Anglican bishop of Johannesburg.
40. Mrs Mandela was not at the next court appearance on 18 June 1970 because of her hospitalisation.
Chapter 6
Health
MY PRESENT STATE OF HEALTH
My monthly periods have just been continuous this month since the new complication of bronchitis and anaemia and something else I do not know. I saw the long medical term in my file when the Pretoria District Surgeon examined me on the 18th. I am feeling very weak possibly due to too much loss of weight and the poor appetite has not improved at all although Dr Morgan had said the anti-depressant would also improve my appetite but she did say we should not expect miracles, it would be a long process and it will be slow.
THE PRESENT TREATMENT
The heart treatment is as it was before my re-detention. The original treatment which was originally prescribed by the specialist last year and subsequently withdrawn and substituted with something else (yellow capsules and three other drugs) by the prison doctor is what I am getting at the moment since my admission to hospital. It is four drops which I take three times a day. The ones I know are Inderal, Roche [sic], Mondex and the fourth one is the psychiatrist’s prescription.
For the bleeding I get two injections every other day. I usually stop bleeding the day I get the injections and start bleeding again the second day before I get the next injections. I have not had those awful attacks since I have been taking the psychiatrist’s treatment. So perhaps I needed psychiatrist’s treatment after all! My defence once said after reading a portion of the Saga, ‘You have really suffered brain damage.’ ‘Are you in touch with reality?’
I also remember that I just could not remember what day of the week it was when Dr Morgan wanted to know. I get so shocked when the mind just gets completely blank and I can’t remember the simplest things no matter how hard I try to remember sometimes.
EVENTS FROM THE 6TH OF MAY
On the 6th of May I was seen by the doctor. I was at that stage taking eight different drugs three times a day. The black-outs had developed into bouts of semi-unconsciousness which would last for about 15 minutes. I was also suffering from the retention of urine, an unbearable condition which kept me awake the whole night no matter how heavily drugged I was.
After examining me the doctor was very shocked. He said my condition was very bad. He ordered that I should be hospitalised urgently. He said all treatment should be stopped until I am seen by the cardiac specialised Dr Weiss. I was taken back to the cell. Within half an hour Brig Aucamp arrived – I was taken to the matron’s office. He told me he had decided that I should be admitted to the prison hospital and that the specialist would come and see me in prison. (The prison doctor had said I should be admitted to the General Hospital.) I know the problem was security in a public hospital.
In the afternoon of the 6th I was admitted to the prison hospital which was cleaned and I was solitary confined in it. The poor patients were returned to their cells. I got worse in hospital, I could not retain any solids, I brought up all the food except porridge. The senior hospital orderly gave me treatment until the 13th of May when I refused to take anymore treatment because I continued bringing up the food. I demanded to see the doctor who came the following day.
He prescribed the original treatment I took on my arrival in prison, a double dose of Inderal, Roche and two other drugs. He told me my appointment to see the specialist was for the 20th of May.
20TH OF MAY
The Security Branch took me to Dr Weiss’ consulting rooms. I was examined for two hours by another specialist. Dr Weiss was also present. He told me they had held a conference and decided I should be seen by this other specialist as two opinions are better than one. After the exhaustive examination, taking of blood specimens, ECG test, X-rays and the usual heart tests the doctor told me his diagnosis was Hyperventilation. That the heart is working against unimaginable odds. It triggers off certain electrons which result in my breathing abnormally fast to such an extent that the required amount of carbon dioxide to maintain the blood is consumed.
That there were very many causes for the condition e.g. lack of calcium, iron, sugar, proteins but the commonest is acute tension, anxiety and mental strain. He said only a series of blood tests would reveal the cause, there was no point in treating the symptoms. He said he would arrange for a gynaecologist to see me as anaemia had also set in and that was possibly due to the fact that I get my monthly periods twice a month since my detention. He also said arrangements would be made with the prison doctor for me to have a ‘sleeping bag’ into which I would breathe in the same carbon dioxide I exhaled at night.
26TH OF MAY
On the 26th I was taken by the SBs to the 7th floor of the Pretoria Medical Centre. I have forgotten the name of the doctor, but it is a laboratory. Several blood specimens were taken and urine specimens.
27TH OF MAY
The prison doctor saw me again in hospital. He told me he had received the cardiac specialist’s report, it was obvious that my condition was deteriorating due to acute tension and mental strain. He told me they have arranged for a psychiatrist to see me, that I should not worry as they did not think I am mad, they merely wanted his opinion. That my treatment would be changed only when he had received all the reports. It was also noted that I had lost 18 lbs41 of weight on the 20th.
28TH OF MAY
On the 28th of May I was taken from the hospital to the matron’s office where I found two doctors (psychiatrists) from Weskoppies. One was a woman doctor, Dr Morgan, and she is the one who carried out the interview. (I have always had trouble distinguishing between the psychiatrist and the mental patient.) On this date I was however more convinced than ever that psychiatrists are really mentally sick people. The absurd questions I was asked were as follows; to mention a few –
(a) ‘My assistant and I have come to find out how we can help you solve your problems – would you like to tell us the nature of the additional problems that seem to have disturbed you so much lately.’
Reply – ‘yes certainly – my problems are solitary confinement and the political ones do not belong to a psychiatrist’s diary. In fact the person who needs your interview is the one who subjects human beings to solitary confinement for over a year.’
(b) ‘Please bear with us Mrs Mandela we are merely here to help you, we understand how you feel. How old are your children, where are they and who looks after them now that you are here?’
Reply – I gave the ages – told them I do not know the rest of the information as I am cut off from the outside world. I do not communicate with my family and therefore do not know where the children are.
(c) ‘Do you sometimes feel [hallucinatory] and have you ever had any doubts about your mind or thought of consulting a psychiatrist in your private life?’
I laughed and did not bother myself by replying to this. I just said I was feeling very amused. I told her however that I have a schizophrenic brother and I happen to kno
w that he suffered from this as a result of our unhappy childhood – that was however a family matter I did not wish to discuss any further – I was interrogated enough on why I went to visit him in Sterkfontein without permission. I knew this Dr Morgan was driving to this point – possibly to find out if there were more mentally ill members of the family.
(d) The most pathetic of all questions was, ‘Do you feel you are chosen by God for the role you are playing amongst your people – the leadership role? Do you hear God’s voice sometimes telling you to lead your people?’
Reply: ‘Dr Morgan, I would like to co-operate with you, I would not like to display my temper before you as you have nothing to do with my being here unless of course you are one of those who voted for the people who locked me up. If you have no more questions to ask I suggest we put an end to the interview. I deeply resent the indirect insult on my national pride and my husband’s. Would you ask Vorster’s42 wife the same question if the situation was reversed?’
‘You are quite right Mrs Mandela in feeling the way you do, I’m very sorry I have no intention of upsetting you. It’s just that you look so depressed and strained my desire is simply to try and assist you.’
‘Of course I am depressed and tense naturally – how else can I be when I am subjected to the brutal conditions we have been subjected to for a whole year?’