“Deal.”
He shook my hand and smiled and for that brief moment, I knew that was probably the only smile that I was going to get from him all weekend.
***
The Rice Bowl was busy and Ryan explained that if there were a whole load of Chinese people eating in the restaurant, it meant that the food was good. We did a quick head count as we laughed at our findings, then argued about the number that we had counted as he mistook a Korean guy for a Chinese guy.
It was so busy, part of it was filled with students and there were groups of friends and probably family in this family-run restaurant. It was one of the oldest restaurants in Manchester, which I found to be impressive. In the recession a lot of businesses had to close down, even restaurants that I’d been to as a kid with my parents.
It had an authentic feel to it with the wooden doors that had different Chinese symbols on them. The red puffed cushions on top of the wooden chairs were matched with the wooden tables. The smell of the chow mein and jumbo prawns from the table next to us made me feel like ordering the whole menu.
“It smells soo gooodd…”
“Wow, you really have an appetite. Okay, we’d better order separate portions. I don’t want you eating all of my food again.”
I laughed, “I thought we were meant to be together forever?”
It was a trick to see his reaction to my statement.
He smiled, “It doesn’t mean that I want to starve whenever we’re together.”
“You know it’s going to be okay?”
My reassurances didn’t work. “Babes, I know you want me to feel better. But I just need to deal with it and you need to get those A levels and be a bad ass doctor. Okay?”
“Ryan, once you get your contract, then your brothers and sister can live with you. Sure, they’re in foster care for now. But maybe they’re better off.”
I could see that he was thinking about it. His aunt had stupidly emotionally blackmailed his mum and dumped his sister at her place. Unfortunately, the boyfriend that his mum had said that she had got rid of, was still around. She had lied.
She’d done it so that Ryan would give her the money, and she had been seeing him behind everyone's back.
“If the neighbours had never called the police tonight, then my little sister would have been raped today. I just feel so damn guilty.”
I held his hand across the table. It was hard to have a private conversation, I kind of felt bad knowing that he’d wanted us to go out because I was around. I knew that was the only reason he’d wanted us out.
“My Mum’s such a fucking bitch. How could she let her be in danger like that?”
I wished I knew the answer to that question.
“Since my Mum’s left, she hasn’t really called me.”
He shook his head confused, and the waitress came and I basically ordered as much as possible.
“What do you mean?” He didn’t hesitate to continue the conversation when she left.
“She called twice to see if I was with Dad and that’s about it. So it’s not like she’s called to see how I’m doing or talk to me. It was funny; as my aunt put me on the train she said that she wouldn’t want to lie to my parents and I thought, which one? It’s not like either of them are interested any more.”
“That’s not fair, Nicola. He does take you to school each day.”
I shook my head, “Not anymore.”
I wanted him to know that my world wasn’t perfect and, even though his was really shit, mine wasn't that much further from it. But I couldn’t compare. My mum had never put me in danger. Even when she was intoxicated and knew that she couldn’t drive, she wouldn’t get behind the wheel and take me anywhere. His mum would if it had benefited her. She’d done all this to get money. His little sister had nearly got raped and his brothers were in foster care. The thing that he’d fought so hard not to happen had happened anyway.
I loved Ryan so much and couldn’t tell him the truth, that we were having a baby, because seeing him in so much pain, made it such an easy decision. I would need to call the GP and make an appointment. He had been through enough and so had I. He had only been gone just over a couple of weeks and I was around eight weeks’ pregnant. That was still within the legal limits to have an abortion so I had to book it, no matter what, as soon as I got home.
Chapter 24
Ryan
We went back to the flat and just watched a movie. I couldn’t even think about what it was about, my mind kept wandering to the phone call. The one from my Nan telling me about my brothers and my sister being taken into care. Even my aunt had gone back on her promise.
What a family!
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to have a normal family, but then I think that they just don’t exist. Until I met Nicola, I thought that all the people who lived in those big, fancy houses didn’t have a clue about my struggles, but Nicola showed me that they have a different type of struggle.
I was sitting trying to think of one family.
Just one.
That wasn’t fucked up and my mind drew a complete blank. I wondered if Nicola was watching the film too. It was kind of boring. ‘Snakes on a Plane’, who would have thought that all the movie was about was snakes on the fucking plane.
“Do you know one family that’s normal?” I said out of the blue as she had her arms wrapped around me while we sat on the sofa.
“Michelle, my supposed best friend,” she sighed.
“Oh, the one who doesn’t have a clue what you’re doing with the likes of me?”
She nodded, “That one.”
“I thought you guys weren’t friends anymore since you don’t fit into her ‘perfect world’?”
“True.”
She wasn’t being much of a conversationalist. I was the one trying to break the ice and she wasn’t even trying.
“What about Sharon?”
“Watch out, there’s a fucking snake!” she shouted to the TV.
Oops, she was into it. I kind of felt that the whole movie was predictable and I had the punishment of watching it before, but I didn’t tell her that when she selected it off the Sky-box.
She sat up, “You’re not enjoying it, are you?”
I shook my head, “Not really.”
“Do you mind if I watch it? It’s kind of got me going.”
“Whatever tickles your fancy. I’ll go and read a book or something in bed.”
She choked, “You read?”
I laughed, “Yeah, sometimes.”
Luckily, she never asked what I was reading. I was going to say something about she’s not the only smart one when I realized that she was thinking that I had a book or something. Then again, it was the special edition of The Walking Dead comic, they made it into a book, so technically it was a book and not a comic.
I kissed her on the forehead and said, “Make sure you don’t fall asleep in front of the tele.”
She ignored me and shouted, “The snake’s behind you!”
I laughed, watching her trying to warn people on the opposite side of the screen about the snakes. It was really comical seeing her do that and then I went into my room and grabbed my book in the bedside table drawer. I dropped my clothes on the floor. Housekeeping had never been my thing, but I felt embarrassed about being a slob when my girl was in the flat. So I tried to fold them and put them at the other side of the wardrobe and then went to bed with my boxers on. I was reading the Michonne Special, when her character first got introduced.
It was interesting, but I was whacked. Normally after I'd played football, I would have a little nap. Maybe an hour or two, I never did that today as much as I tried to focus on the comic. My mind kept wandering and then for some crazy reason it settled. I fell asleep and instead of having the usual nightmare about my mum's boyfriend terrorizing the kids, another dream entered my head as I started to sleep. One that involved my brothers and sister being happy in their foster home. Something I had never thought about. I had been
too worried about them being apart and all the problems that could be caused in their new home. My dream focused on them being in a safe environment and being well-looked after. Something they never had in our flat. It made me think that maybe, just maybe them being taken away was for the best and I was the one being selfish, thinking otherwise.
***
The next morning I woke up to an empty bed. I got up halfway through the night to wake up Nicola, but I felt so weak. I slowly crept out and saw her sprawled out on the sofa. I felt guilty for not waking her or even coming to join her on the sofa.
She looked so innocent as she laid on the sofa and then she saw me watching her and woke up.
“What happened in the end?”
She looked so frightened, as if not catching the end of the film was a matter of life and death.
“They caught the snakes and the stars of the show made it through.”
I didn’t know if that was what had happened, like the first time I had watched it, I gave up fifteen minutes after. This time I lasted a whole half-hour.
She nodded, “Which stars?”
Hmm, does it matter?
I swiftly changed the conversation, because as I looked up at the clock, she had exactly three hours to leave until she was catching her train back home. I had to make breakfast for her, which was going to be my little treat, but yesterday I forget about it.
“Why don’t you go in to bed and then I’ll make you breakfast in bed?”
She smiled, “I need to get going soon.”
“I know, which is why I want to make it.”
“If you want to do it. Then who am I to stop you? I’ll be in bed waiting.”
I bowed, “At your service my lady.”
As she left the open-plan living room and kitchen, I thought about all the Sunday breakfasts I had made in the flat, the one I used to call home. Sometimes I would make my brothers and sister pancakes for breakfast. And when they were really good, I would make a full English. Judging by the way Nicola was eating my dinner last night, I thought it would be best to make her a full English. She had put on a few pounds, but I didn’t mind.
I grabbed the bacon and put it under the grill. I did the full works by frying the eggs, then I got the sausages and put them under the grill, too. I didn’t bother with the Yorkshire pudding. I just needed some baked beans and it was done.
After I poured some orange juice and stacked everything on the tray, I went into the bedroom with my apron on and she laughed, “I could get used to this.”
She sat up and I put some of the crispy bacon in her mouth. I knew that her was favorite. She was always going on about eating or the need to eat bacon. Sometimes I wondered if that was the only thing she did eat.
“You’re welcome, my lady,” I smiled, thinking about how beautiful she looked when she woke up. She ate and just like last night, she practically ate my plate too. I asked if she wanted more and she said, “Yes, please.”
I laughed as I headed back to the kitchen, wondering if Nicola was going to be double the size when I saw her next. I sighed, thinking that it would be a while before I did see her again. So, I should really give her something to remember me by before she leaves.
Chapter 25
Nicola
I was so full that walking to the bus stop quickly wasn’t really an option. Ryan called a taxi and I thought about telling him there and then about my new eating habits. I was surprised that he never picked up on the fact that I was eating so much and had put on a few pounds. Then I realized that he was just a gentleman, he wouldn’t say it even if he was thinking it.
He called a taxi and we left the flat with plenty of time for me to catch my train. The taxi ride was quiet. We just held each other’s hand. The pair of us looking out of the window from time-to-time, not saying a word.
He fussed over me as he paid the taxi, then took me to the platform, trying to be a gentleman and hold on to my bag until the last minute.
I should have said something.
Just spat it out!
I kept it in for so long and it pissed me off even more. Why was I so damn good at keeping secrets? We hugged in silence and then he kissed me on the lips and said, “Bye.” I didn’t say a word, every emotion drained out of me as I kept repeating inside my head.
Tell him.
Just fucking tell him.
I was scared that if I did, then this would be the last time I ever saw him. Or that he would give up his dreams and I would do the same and we would both end up working in a chippy and being miserable. Everything about how I expected it to go just always ended up with the same conclusion, that our lives would be fucked up. I didn’t even look out of the window to see if he was still standing there, I was completely lost in my thoughts. That was when I heard my phone beeping to say that I had a message.
I read it and it said, I love you so much Nicola XXX.
I should have responded with the same message, but all I did was look up to see him standing there like a lost boy, waving to me and trying to get my attention. As they announced that the train was leaving, I waved. I tried, to smile, but it was so fucking hard.
I waved and then as soon as he was out of sight, I responded with the same message, saying that I loved him. Because, I did, I just had a funny way of showing it.
***
As soon as I got off the train, aunt was waiting for me. I told her that I just needed to pop into the supermarket for a second. I knew that they would be open today. I didn’t hesitate in getting the pregnancy test that I should have got weeks ago. I saw that they had these ones that could tell you exactly how far you’d gone, so I picked up one of those. It was twenty quid and it said that it was 99% accurate, so the chances of me falling into that 1% were pretty slim.
I got back in the car, stuffing the test in my bag. She never asked what I had bought, instead she smiled, “You ready to go?”
I nodded, thinking that as soon as I got upstairs, I would go to the bathroom and confirm part of what I knew. I just needed to know how far gone I was, because I knew that I was pregnant.
As we got to the house, it seemed so quiet without mum there. I remembered how it used to be when I was young. She used to love me. Take care of me, before I started school, but somewhere along the way she lost not only her maternal instincts but her love for me.
I wondered if she would ever get it back.
I knew dad threw her out, but I didn’t.
So how come since she had left, she hadn’t tried to contact me? Not even once. Sadness was clearly over my face. I hated the idea that she felt that way about me. I didn’t hear dad shouting my name as I reached the top of the stairs.
Aunt called me, “Nicola!”
And that was when my nightmare began. Dad wasn’t calling me because I was home. He had followed me and silly me had dropped the damn test. It fell out of my bag. I was so confused thinking about mum when I was searching for my key, I didn't realize that it was sticking out and as I headed up the stairs, it dropped. The one thing that I had put off for so long had dropped and now he was holding it in his hand.
“You whore!” he shouted and then aunt tried to calm him down.
“Dan, look, take a deep breath. I’ll talk to her. Nicola!”
She shouted once again and I knew what she wanted me to do. “Get in the car now!”
I rushed, as I could see fire in her eyes. Once again, we had the attention of our neighbours. Some of them came out and asked if everything was alright, like Mrs. Betty, who lived next door. She was so sweet and I remember as a kid going next door to sit and listen to her stories about her husband and when they first moved in the street. She always managed to bribe me with her chocolate cookies, she was always promising to tell me the recipe so I didn’t have to go to her house again. I knew that she never would, she enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed hers.
In the madness, between dad throwing my clothes out of the window and shouting out, “I’m not fucking paying for her to go to uni with hi
s baby!”
Through all the screams and the tears that were flooding out of my eyes, Mrs Betty said, “Would you like to come over and have some of my famous chocolate cookies? It’s been a while.”
I smiled like I did as a kid whenever my parents had a fight.
I smiled, when I used to be left in the house alone and neither of them had remembered that I was there.
I nodded and said, “Yes please. It looks like I’m moving and won’t be able to come back for anymore.”
She said, “You can come back any time. You’re welcome. My door’s alway open to you, my child.”
As I held her hand, I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Hearing her call me her child. She never had children, she had always wanted them. My parents had a daughter and they treated her like shit. Sometimes, life wasn’t fair. Not one little bit.
Chapter 26
Ryan
It was so weird after she left, I just didn’t hear from her. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. She sent me the odd message saying that she was okay and that she was busy with her studies. But that had been three weeks ago.
I knew that she had only four weeks of exams and would be finished in May, or was it the beginning of June?
Either way, it felt like the perfect opportunity to visit London. The season had come to an end and summertime was approaching. I hadn’t been there for nearly three months, but it felt like a lifetime when I had lived in London my whole life and had never been anywhere outside of it. I knew one thing for sure; I wasn’t going back home. I’d found out that my brothers and sister were in different foster homes in Croydon, and I just hoped that they were safe.
Only Nan had visited them, Mum couldn’t be bothered, until she’d learned that her benefits were being cut. I wasn`t at home any more, and neither were the kids. She had been going round the benefit office, screaming bloody murder because she had such a big reduction. It had hit home that we were good for more than one thing, and it didn’t help that she had found out that she was pregnant too, by the bloody bastard.
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