My Babysitter is a Robot

by Dave Cousins

  I could hear Jess moving around in the cubicle next door.

  “Hey! Have you got the bag with the stuff in?”

  “I’ve got MY bag with MY things. You gave yours to Robin to carry.”

  I cursed my laziness. Now I was going to have to find him. Unfortunately locating the robot was all too easy. I simply followed the sound of laughter drifting from the pool.

  The noise grew louder as I approached. I could see Olivia’s parents and Mr Burton in the spectator seats, and Ali with some of the other kids from my class already in the water. They were all staring and pointing at something. I took a deep breath and stepped out.

  The robot was by the steps at the shallow end – he couldn’t have looked more out of place in his coat, hat and skates! But that wasn’t why people were gawking.

  Digby stood shivering at the water’s edge, his hairy back legs poking out from the bottom of my blue swim shorts with the sharks on. The dog’s tail poked up through the waistband at the top and it wasn’t wagging.

  Robin was blowing air into a bright orange water wing. The other one was already in place round Digby’s front leg.

  “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I shouted, forgetting I was supposed to be keeping a low profile.

  “Ah, there you are, Master Just Jake!” Robin’s beard quivered as he smiled. “I’m getting the little one ready for swimming.”

  “But he’s a DOG! And those are MY trunks!”

  The robot’s eyebrows shot upwards in surprise. He looked down at Digby as though seeing him for the first time. “A dog!” he said. “How interesting. I will update my database accordingly.”

  Suddenly I was aware that the swimming pool had gone very quiet. I could feel a million pairs of eyes staring at us. Of course the Birthday Girl was loving my moment of public humiliation. I doubt Olivia would have looked more delighted if Carly-G herself had arrived at that moment to personally sign a pair of trainers for her!

  “Jake?” I turned round. Jess and Ivana were standing behind me.

  My sister’s eyes widened as she took in the scene. “Why’s Digby wearing your swimming trunks?”

  Which was when the laughter started up again.

  Dogs know when they’re being laughed at. Digby hates it. He gets embarrassed. And when Digby gets embarrassed, his first instinct is to run and hide. Sure enough, the dog shot off round the pool, still wearing my trunks and the single water wing.

  “Don’t worry, Master Just Jake,” said the robot. “I’ll get him!”

  The thing is, roller-skates aren’t designed for use on slippery tiles, and the moment Robin tried to follow Digby his skates went in two different directions.

  He skidded…

  Slipped…

  Spun round a couple of times … then started skating BACKWARDS towards the deep end, flapping his arms like he was trying to take off.

  I could hear Robin apologizing as people screamed and dived into the water to get out of the way.

  “I’m terribly sorry!”

  “Do excuse me!”

  “Marvellous dive, by the way – exquisite technique!”

  Digby was also in trouble. As he ran, my trunks slipped and wrapped themselves round his legs. The dog tried to stop, but he couldn’t grip the tiled floor and shot towards the water like a hairy torpedo.

  If Robin hadn’t skated past and grabbed him, the dog would have ended up in the pool. And with my trunks binding his legs together Digby wouldn’t have been able to swim.

  For a moment it looked like the robot had saved the day, until I realized that he too was unable to stop. I suddenly saw that there was only one way this was going to end.

  The diving pit was next to the main pool. With a low springboard for training purposes.

  “Oh, no…” said Jess.

  The robot shot on to the board and sprang into the air. He did a perfect somersault … then the BEST WATER BOMB I’VE EVER SEEN!

  The splash almost emptied the pool of water. It created a tidal wave that swept over the balcony, nearly drowning a dozen pensioners who had gathered for a scone-eating contest in the café.

  First there was an open-mouthed, jaw-dropped silence. Then Ali started to applaud.

  Soon everyone at the pool (except the soggy pensioners) was clapping and cheering as Robin and Digby were dragged, dripping, from the water by Mr Burton and the lifeguards. Even some of Olivia’s friends joined in until she silenced them with a glare.

  “That was incredible,” said Ivana. “He’s so brave to rescue the dog!”

  I was stunned.

  “What’s happening?” said Jess.

  “I’m not sure,” I said. “But it looks like everyone thinks Robin is actually … kind of cool.”

  “But … he went into the water,” said Jess. “How is he still working?”

  I couldn’t answer that, but I realized I was glad the robot was OK. Which didn’t make any sense at all. But then it was turning out to be that sort of a day.

  Mechanical laughter boomed round the room as the robot loomed over me, its red eyes burning like lasers. This was it – the end. I knew I shouldn’t have tried to attack it… All I’d done was make the robot angry.

  “Now!” said Robin. “Hold down L2, press X and roll!”

  “But that—”

  The robot reared up and raised its razor-sharp pincers.

  “Master, I highly recommend that you do as I suggest quite soon – preferably before that rather large mechanical spider bites your head off!”

  I frantically stabbed the controls as instructed, then watched as my on-screen avatar ducked and rolled between the giant robot’s legs and out the other side.

  “Now turn and aim at its weak spot,” said Robin.

  This time I followed his advice without hesitation.

  The massive metal spider howled with rage as my arrows pierced its soft underbelly. Its lethal steel pincers snapped at the air for a few seconds, then its body exploded into a trillion pieces of molten metal.

  Finally the screen flashed up the message I’d been waiting weeks to see:

  “Yes!” I jumped up from my bed and punched the air. On-screen, Ali’s avatar joined me in a victory dance. “Congratulations, Master Just Jake,” said Robin, his voice bubbling slightly as though he was talking underwater.

  “We couldn’t have done it without your help!”

  Robin had spent the last HOUR guiding me and Ali through the final level of Revenge of the Robots.

  “Those mechanical insects were very badly behaved,” he said. “It made me rather ashamed to be a robot!”

  “You’re different,” I told him. “You’re nothing like the robots in the game.”

  “Thank you, Master Just Jake!” Robin did that twitchy-beard smile of his. “If I can be of no more service, I should go and check on Miss Jess.”

  When he stood up, a trickle of water ran down from the robot’s ear. Robin had leaked all the way home from the party, but other than that he seemed none the worse for his accidental swim.

  It was me and Jess who felt different. When we’d got back from the sports centre, we’d expected Robin to start dishing out chores or insisting we did some fun yet educational activity with him. Instead he’d said we could do whatever we wanted. We liked this ‘new’ relaxed version of Robin.

  It should have been a clue, a warning – but we ignored it.

  “NOOOOOOO!”

  At first I thought the scream was part of my game, then I realized it had come from outside.

  The second cry – “JAAAKE!” – confirmed it.

  Jess and Robin were playing football in the garden. Having been banned for two matches, my sister was desperate for any chance to play, even if it was only a kick-about.

  Normally I would have ignored her, but there was something in that shriek that made me think I should at least check.

  When I opened the back door, Digby shot past me into the house like he’d been fired from a cannon. For some reason he was dripping wet. It took a few
seconds for my eyes to make sense of what I was seeing.

  Dad’s greenhouse was missing half its glass and the tomato plants inside looked like they’d exploded. I could see my sister’s football lying in the middle of the mess, so it didn’t take a genius to work out what had happened.

  But that didn’t explain why Robin and Jess appeared to be playing tug-of-war with the hosepipe. I ducked as a snake of high-pressure water swept over my head and drummed against the kitchen window.

  “HELP ME!” shouted Jess. “He’s gone crazy!”

  I ran towards her, but my sister screamed at me to “TURN OFF THE TAP!”

  “Oh, yeah! Good idea!”

  Robin got very upset when the water stopped. He started going on about how the tomatoes needed watering. His voice was all jerky, and he kept repeating the same words over and over.

  “What’s wrong with him?!” I said. “What did you do?”

  “ME? Nothing! One minute he was fine – then he just booted the football into the greenhouse!” My sister wiped strands of wet hair away from her face. “He said the plants needed watering and turned on the hose! But then he started to water Mum’s PAINTINGS of Dad’s tomatoes, rather than THE ACTUAL TOMATOES themselves!”

  “Mum’s PAINTINGS!”

  Our mum spent her days cleaning offices, answering phones and serving drinks in a pub, but in her heart she was an artist. When Mum wasn’t working, she spent as much time as she could in her shed at the bottom of the garden, painting.

  In all the excitement I hadn’t noticed that the door to Mum’s shed was open. A newly formed river was flowing out across the lawn, with Mum’s pictures floating on the surface like brightly decorated rafts.

  The robot was pointing at them. “Tomatoes need a regular – regular supply of water – water,” he said in his soggy, stuttering voice. “Irregular supply – will cause – cause problems. Water problems. Must water – the tomatoes. Tomatoes. Water. Water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink…”

  “Water must have got into his circuits when he fell in the swimming pool!” I said.

  “Duh!” said Jess, fighting to keep Robin away from the tap. “But what are we going to DO about it, genius? What if he decides the rest of the house needs watering, too? I don’t know how much longer I can hold him!”

  Grandma picked up on the second ring. “Hello?”

  “Hi, Grandma, it’s Jake.”

  “Oh, hello, Jake. I’m in Milton Keynes. They have concrete cows! Did you know that?”

  “Um, no, but … the thing is … your robot – I think there’s something wrong with him.”

  A loud snort tickled my ear. “User error! You can’t blame the robot. They’re only as good as the person who programmed them.”

  “That would be you then, Grandma.”

  “Ah, good point! Which robot are we talking about here?”

  “Robin. Our new babysitter.”

  “Ooh, yes! Good, isn’t he? Rather handsome too!”

  “Yeah … he’s great. I mean, he was, only now he’s gone a bit funny. I think he might be malfunctioning.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! It’s probably just teething problems. There are still a few kinks in the software that need ironing out. I’m away at InventorCon at the moment, but when I’m back I’ll write you an update patch.”

  “He’s just trashed Dad’s greenhouse and watered Mum’s paintings.”

  “Oh,” said Grandma. “That sounds like a malfunction to me. What have you done to him?”

  “Nothing! Except … there was an incident at the swimming pool this morning…”

  “That was you, was it?” said Grandma. “My friend Eileen called earlier. Furious she was. Said her scone-eating contest got washed away when some clown started showing off in the pool!” She chuckled. “If you got him wet, that could have caused a short circuit, which would explain the unexpected behaviour… Have you tried switching him off and on again?”

  “How do we do that?”

  “You might want to write this down,” said Grandma.

  “You need to put your finger up his nose.”

  Jess stared at me. “WHAT?”

  “Grandma says there’s a reset button up there. You need to ‘press and hold for three seconds to initiate a full shutdown’.” I checked my notes. “Then we need to give him an hour to dry out before rebooting.”

  “And this button … it’s UP HIS NOSE?”

  “Grandma said she didn’t want to put it anywhere it could get nudged accidentally. If you think about it though, it could be worse. She could have hidden it up his—”

  “JAKE!”

  “I’m just saying – it could be worse.”

  “Why do I have to do it?”

  “You’re closest.”

  Jess glared at me. All the time I’d been on the phone, my sister had been fighting to keep Robin away from the tap, using Digby to herd the robot like a sheepdog. “You’ll have to hold him then.”

  I sneaked up and grabbed the robot from behind, doing my best to pin his arms to his sides. Robin was surprisingly strong – it felt like wrestling an angry vacuum cleaner.

  “HURRY UP!”

  “Which nostril?” said Jess, her finger poised over the robot’s face.

  “I don’t know! JUST TRY ONE!”

  There was a loud squelch. “I think I’m going to be sick,” said Jess.

  “PRESS AND HOLD FOR THREE SECONDS!” I shouted.

  “I’M TRYING!”

  Suddenly the robot stopped squirming and went limp in my arms. We both dropped to the ground. When I looked up, my sister was standing over us, staring at her finger. “Ugh – it’s covered in robot goo!”

  “It’s probably just swimming-pool water.”

  “That’s even WORSE!” said Jess.

  We dragged Robin to the spare bedroom and got him into bed, then went back downstairs.

  “Now we just have to fix this before Mum sees it,” said Jess, staring at the remains of our garden.

  We’d barely started when Mum burst through the back door.

  “Thank goodness you’re both OK! I came as soon as I heard.”

  It took a moment for her words to sink in. “Did Grandma call you?”

  “No,” said Mum. “Mr Burton saw the whole thing and phoned me at work.”

  Our neighbour materialized behind Mum like a pantomime baddie (minus the puff of smoke).

  “I was about to offer some assistance,” he said, “but then I saw you overpower it.” His eyes had that greedy gleam in them again, like he was enjoying this.

  “I can’t thank you enough!” said Mum. “To think I left my children with that murderous thing!”

  The old man’s face darkened. “That’s what happens when people start messing with things they don’t understand … building ROBOTS!”

  I knew he’d worked it out.

  “Mr Burton’s offered to take Robin away,” said Mum.

  “WHAT?!”

  “That thing needs dismantling before someone gets hurt,” said Mr Burton, heading inside with Mum.

  “NO! WAIT!” I followed them, and the trail of muddy footprints, up the stairs. “Robin didn’t mean any harm. He’s just got some water in his circuits. He’ll be fine once he’s dried out – Grandma said!”

  The old man snorted. “Your grandma! I should’ve guessed she was responsible for this!”

  I was too busy pleading with Mum to wonder what Mr Burton meant by that.

  But Mum had made her decision. “I feel bad enough leaving you with a babysitter as it is,” she said. “I never liked the idea of a robot. I shouldn’t have let Grandma talk me into it.”

  There was nothing we could do except watch Mr Burton heave Robin over his shoulder and carry him next door.

  “Well, we did want to get rid of him,” said Jess.

  I nodded. She was right. We’d been plotting for days and now we’d got exactly what we wanted.

  We should have been celebrating. But for some reason we weren�
�t.

  “This is Rosalyn,” said Mum, “your new babysitter.”

  “S’up?” The girl almost managed a smile. She had blue hair and a nose ring and looked kind of bored.

  “Sorry to dash off,” said Mum, “but I’m already late. You all have fun getting to know each other!”

  The moment the front door closed, Rosalyn slumped on to the sofa and scowled at us. “Right, listen up. These are the rules. Number one: you don’t bother me and I won’t bother you.”

  Me and Jess exchanged a look. Our new babysitter sneezed and pointed at Digby. “Rule number two: keep that dog away from me. I’m allergic!”

  I took Digby upstairs to my room. We had a test on Wednesday and Mrs Badoe had given us a whole sheet of stuff to learn. I sat down and stared at it for at least five minutes, but the words just buzzed around like flies and refused to settle anywhere near my brain. Part of the problem was that Ali had lent me a new game. I really wanted to try it out. Maybe once I’d had a go on that, I’d be able to concentrate.

  But there was a rule: no gaming until our homework was done. Except Rosalyn had said there were only two rules now and that hadn’t been on the list!

  The disc for Revenge of the Robots was still in the console. It made me think about Robin, which brought a weird heavy feeling to my chest.

  I shook my head and waited for the new game to load. If Robin was still looking after us, there was no way I’d be allowed to do this. He would have been standing over me, insisting I learn the stuff for the test. This was a much better arrangement. Definitely.

  The next day at school, Brett cornered me and Ali in the playground. He looked worryingly alert, which was never a good sign.

  “Hey, loser! You know that weird old bloke you were hanging around with? Guess what? IT WAS A ROBOT!”