by Julia Goda
Weak, I know.
And yes, I know, I needed to find a better way of dealing with things. I just had no fucking clue what to deal with first. I was overwhelmed and out of my emotional depth. So I focused my thoughts on something I knew I was good at in the hopes I could turn this day around: helping runaways, Ashley in particular. It didn’t seem like that was going to happen today.
I went to check the common room. A handful of kids were hanging out, lounging on the sofas, chatting, passing the time. I looked around, trying to see if Ashley was with them. She wasn’t here. It was now half an hour after we were supposed to meet.
“Shit,” I mumbled under my breath as I tried to decide what to do about her no-show. Ashley didn’t strike me as someone who would renege on her word. Yes, she was gun shy and had a do-not-approach attitude, not the bitchy kind, the quiet kind. But she had promised to meet with me today to talk. I assumed she was scared as a jackrabbit to get close to anyone, to trust. God knew I could relate to that, even though our reasons behind it were different. I knew we had a connection. Whenever she was here at the shelter, she gravitated toward me. Not in a loud way. In fact, she hadn’t said more than ten words to me since I’d met her, but she was always around when I was out in the common room or outside. In her quiet way she would sit somewhere close to me, close enough so she could hear what I was saying when I was shooting the shit with the other kids or tried to impart my wisdom on various things. She never participated in any of the discussions or conversations, just sat quietly and watched everyone. I could tell she was storing all the information away, stashing it in her mind as she read each and every one of us, like she needed it to survive. Her face was always unreadable, and since she never talked to anyone, no one knew what to make of her. I’d heard some of the other kids talk about her, wondering who she was, where she came from. But nobody approached her, at least not that I knew of.
So when she’d had agreed yesterday to sit with me and talk, I had thought I had finally made some progress as to figuring her out, to finding out what situation she was in and help her get out of it and support her in moving toward a better life. I hadn’t thought she would be a no-show, had been certain she would follow through. It never even crossed my mind.
So now that she wasn’t here, I was worried.
She had been here every day for the past month, some days just for an hour, some days for longer, usually in the afternoons. I had a feeling she wouldn’t today.
Yes, I was worried.
“Damn it,” I swore.
“What’s the matter?” Lizzy was walking up toward me and handed me a steaming cup of coffee.
“Thanks.” I sighed then took a sip. “I had a meeting scheduled with Ashley. She was supposed to be here half an hour ago. No-show.”
Lizzy’s eyebrows scrunched in worry. She knew what that meant. We had talked about Ashley several times. Lizzy was known for being the queen of the hard cases. Every kid who came to the shelter liked her, but the hard cases adored her, trusted her, and were loyal to her. Like Jesse and Chloe had been when they were runaways. Though those two weren’t the only ones or even the hardest cases she had worked. But for whatever reason and to my and everyone else’s complete astonishment, she couldn’t find an in with Ashley. Complete no-go. She’d shut her down almost the minute Lizzy had made her careful approach, just like she’d done with everyone else who had tried to get her to come out of her shell. But she had agreed to talk to me; tentatively and hesitantly, but she’d agreed with a quiet “Okay.” She wouldn’t have done that if she’d planned to blow me off.
“Shit. What are you gonna do?”
I shook my head. I didn’t have a good feeling about this. “I’m gonna go out and look for her.”
“Do you have any idea where she could be?”
I didn’t have the slightest clue. But that wouldn’t keep me from trying to find her. I would go out and see if I could round her up, make her talk to me.
“I’m heading out right away. Hit the popular spots, see if I can find out anything, if someone’s seen her, maybe drive around and try to spot her.” It wasn’t a good plan since like I said, she didn’t talk to anyone and nobody knew who she was and where she came from, but it was all I could do. I had a heavy feeling in my gut that something had happened, a feeling I didn’t dare ignore since it was usually right.
“All right. Good luck. Call me if you need me.”
“Will do.” I headed back to my office to get my car keys and phone and headed out.
I hit the spots most of our kids frequented first, talked to the kids I knew and some kids I didn’t, with no luck whatsoever. What I got were headshakes and shoulder shrugs. The kids who knew and trusted me said they would keep their eyes open and let me know if they saw her, but I wasn’t optimistic that would happen. Then I started to drive around randomly, searching the streets in a five-mile radius around the shelter. I came up with zilch. Two hours had passed and Ashley was nowhere to be found. It’s like she was a ghost, smoke.
I pulled out my cell phone and called Lizzy.
“Any sign of her?” Lizzy asked the moment she picked up.
“Nothing. I suppose she hasn’t shown up at the shelter?” Lizzy wouldn’t be asking me if I had found a sign of her if she had shown up, but I had to ask.
Lizzy sighed. “No. Shit, Rainey. I know she mostly shows in the afternoons, but I don’t have a good feeling about this.” That made two of us. That knot in my stomach had gotten bigger with every minute that passed and I didn’t find her. I rubbed my forehead and squeezed my eyes shut.
“I’m gonna try for another hour then come back if I can’t find her.”
“All right.”
We hung up.
This was the part I didn’t like about being a social worker. Trying to work within the limits the system provided us with to help these kids was often frustrating, but this was the worst part. The part when they didn’t accept our help, when we lost someone. Our shelter had one of the highest success rates in the city, not just in pulling kids off the streets and finding them a new home, but in reunions with their families as well. We were a great team, passionate about our job. Each and every one of us did whatever was in our power to help these kids. It was our calling. And it showed. But we knew there was also a small percentage of kids we couldn’t help, who either didn’t want our help, thought we couldn’t help them, or kids who disappeared on us. It was hard, and try as I might, it always took a piece of me whenever that happened. I didn’t want Ashley to be one of our lost causes.
After another hour of keeping my eyes peeled while I drove around and stopped to walk through a couple of parks but coming up empty handed, I steered my car back to the shelter.
By now it was after two o’clock. The only hope I had left today was Ashley showing her face in the afternoon. I got to work, my mind never far from Ashley, and passed the time by talking to our tutor about some of the kids’ progress, making phone calls, scheduling our volunteers for the upcoming week, talking to Martha about the meal plan, and updating Taryn on the self-defense class situation. It was when I sat in her office to report to her, I realized Logan had never introduced me to the trainers who would be involved. The only person he had introduced me to was his trainer, and I doubted Pete had enough time to dedicate himself to be hands on with a rather big undertaking like that. But since the gym was named after him, I should have sat down with him to discuss the room availability and such. See if we were on the same page. Thanked him for letting us use his space. Be professional. Instead of focusing on my job, I had been selfish and had made a spectacle of myself.
I shook my head as I apologized to Taryn. “I’m sorry, Taryn. I wasn’t very focused and missed my opportunity to talk to the owner when he was introduced to me. I’ll see if I can arrange another meeting tomorrow.”
Taryn eyed me, not as my reproachful supervisor, but as a concerned friend. “You okay, Rainey? I can see something is bothering you. You know my door is always open
.”
“I know.”
“Is it Logan? You can’t work with him?”
I sighed. “It’s not that. I just…I’ve got a lot going on right now.” I wasn’t lying. I did have a lot happening. Logan was one of those things, but I wasn’t going to discuss any of that with my boss.
“Anything I can help with?”
There was, actually. Taryn always reminded us about trying to keep an emotional distance. The emphasis being on trying. She knew how it was, had worked in the field for over two decades, meaning she had tons of experience and could more than relate. So she knew it was practically impossible to stay distanced. Getting close and being empathetic was part of why we were so good at our job. Still, she liked to remind us to at least try, so we wouldn’t lose too many pieces of ourselves and didn’t burn out before we hit thirty.
So I told her about Ashley’s disappearing act and how worried I was for her. There wasn’t much Taryn could do. It’s not like we could file a missing person’s case. She was a runaway. We didn’t even know if her name really was Ashley. More often than not, runaway kids gave a fake name or the name they assumed after they left their homes so they wouldn’t be found or couldn’t be reunited with their families. It was a common occurrence.
“I’ll make a few phone calls. See if she turns up anywhere else.”
“Thanks, Taryn. I know it hasn’t even been a day yet, but I just know something must have happened for her to stand me up like this.”
“I agree with you, Rainey. She’s one of the girls who break your heart, who you know is going through something awful. It’s written all over her face.” See, Taryn understood. She shared the same intuition, the same gut feeling we all used to guide our actions as social workers in difficult and sometimes hopeless situations.
“I made a few calls earlier this afternoon, but your reach goes farther.”
Taryn nodded. “I’ll make some calls.”
I nodded again, grateful, the weight on my shoulders lifting slightly in the hopes that with more people on the lookout we could locate her.
“Anything else you need to get off your chest?”
I shook my head and bit my lip. “I don’t want to burden you with my personal problems. But I appreciate your concern. I promise I’ll get my head together and do a better job tomorrow.”
Taryn narrowed her eyes on me and leaned across the table, her expression serious and a little annoyed.
“Rainey, I’m not offering to lend my ear because your job performance has been subpar. It hasn’t. You always give more than a hundred percent, more than is expected of you. I value that and am grateful for it. We all have bad days where we get distracted and can’t focus. It’s normal. We’re human. And it’s understandable especially in this kind of field. We deal with heavy emotional shit day in and day out. It takes a toll.”
“That’s not it. I love my job. I don’t see it as a burden to try everything possible to help these kids.”
“That’s not what I meant. I meant that because what we deal with every minute of every day is draining and affects our lives outside of work. People say to leave your job at work, but it’s impossible when you do what we do. That means if something big happens in our personal lives, we have a harder time dealing with it. It can become too much and can get overwhelming. So if there is ever something you need to get off your chest, or need any help, know my door is always open.
I stared at her for a moment. I knew I had an amazing boss, but she’d never spoken to me like that. We got along great, but she’d never asked me to share anything personal.
“Thank you,” I whispered. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Please do,” Taryn returned, her eyes soft and understanding, almost motherly on me. “I know you’re a hard nut to crack, Rainey, but you don’t have to do everything on your own. You’ve got friends, people who care.”
All I could do was nod.
What the hell was going on? Less than a year ago, I had been perfectly content without sharing deep, emotional secrets with people. Now I had Lizzy, who knew pretty much all about me, Bobby was pushing her way in, Logan had figured me out, and my boss was reaching out. And of top of that, my own mother was emotionally blackmailing me to give someone a chance I wouldn’t have given the time of day otherwise.
This was getting out of control.
Getting? Who was I kidding? It was out of control.
Not knowing what else to say, I was relieved when my phone rang and I could excuse myself. I answered without checking the screen, hoping someone had spotted Ashley.
“Hello?”
“Rainey.” It was Logan. I rolled my eyes as I walked into my office and sat down heavily. I was done with this day. Too bad I had more than twelve hours to go before I could head home and forget a big portion of it.
“How many pizzas do I need to bring?”
Shit. I had forgotten about him coming down and bringing dinner for the kids. Well, not forgotten exactly. Conveniently repressed was more like it.
“Logan, I can’t—”
“We’ve had this discussion, Rainey. I’m coming over and we’re spending some time together. I promised not to make a move on you while you’re at work, but that’s all the reprieve I’m gonna give you.”
I growled in frustration. Yes, growled.
Logan chuckled. “You’re adorable.”
“And you’re a condescending ass.”
“How many pizzas, Rainey?”
I sighed. Shit. He wasn’t gonna let me talk him out of this. Goddamn it!
“Let me check who’s gonna be here,” I snapped before I hung up on him. Then I stomped down the hall to the bedrooms to see who was gonna stay the night and checked in the common room to see if I had missed anyone.
I called him back five minutes later.
“We have a full house tonight,” I told him without a greeting when he picked up. “That’s ten kids who are staying the night.”
“All right. I’ll bring enough for everyone.”
I was silent, too aggravated, worried, exhausted, too everything to say anything. This lasted a while. Don’t ask me why I didn’t hang up. I have no clue. I just sat at my desk, waiting for Logan to say something, my mind all over the place.
“How did your meeting with Ashley go?” That stopped the whirlwind in my head.
“What?”
“Your meeting with Ashley. How did it go?”
“How do you know about that?”
“You mentioned it this morning.” I did. I had mentioned it.
“You remember that?”
“Of course, I do. I knew it was important to you.” He made a point to remember and ask me about it because he knew it was important to me.
Shit.
I felt that somewhere deep.
Shit.
I was in trouble.
I dropped my head until my forehead met the desk with a thunk and closed my eyes while I whispered, “She didn’t show.”
“At all?”
I shook my head even though I knew he couldn’t see me, then verbalized that with, “She hasn’t come in today.”
“Shit, baby. I’m sorry.” I nodded against the desk, knowing he meant it. “Anything I can do?”
Shit again.
He needed to stop being so nice and considerate.
I sighed. “I went out and looked for her but came up empty.”
“She’ll turn up, Rainey. It’ll be okay.”
“I hope so,” I whispered.
There was a short pause. “I’ll be there in forty-five minutes. An hour tops.”
“Okay,” I answered.
Another pause. Then, “It’ll be okay, Rainey. We’ll find her and make it okay.” He knew I was worried and was trying to reassure me.
Shit.
Again, I felt that somewhere deep.
Somewhere I hadn’t felt anything in a long time.
Maybe never.
I was so totally screwed.
***
An hour later, I was gaping open-mouthed as Logan and Jesse walked through the front doors, not only loaded with a stack of pizzas each but both of them carrying two plastic bags.
Holy smokes. He was crazy.
Cheers of “Pizza!” and “Awesome!” sounded through the room when the kids saw them.
I smiled.
It wasn’t often that these kids got spoiled with food. We provided a simple hot lunch every day as well as snacks in the mornings and afternoons, but dinner was a rare commodity at the shelter. So it made me happy to see them excited about it.
Logan caught my eyes and winked at me. Then he dropped the boxes on the table and went back outside, Jesse following suit, while everyone else descended onto the boxes of cheesy goodness. Before I could say anything or tell them to wait, the doors opened again and Logan and Jesse brought in two cases of soda.
Man, he thought of everything.
The emotional rollercoaster I had been on today took another loop, making my head spin even more.
“I see he’s making progress,” I heard someone murmur in my ear, startling me. I jumped.
“Jesus, Jimmy. You scared the snot out of me.”
Jimmy was our night-time supervisor. He had his own room here, spent five to six nights a week at the shelter, depending on who was on rotation. Policy demanded that two workers be present at all times, one of them male—at least at night—for safety reasons. Since our team was somewhat short on male staff—apart from Jimmy we currently only had male volunteers plus our tutor—he was working more hours than he should have to.
He chuckled. “Usually not that easy to rattle you.”
“Yeah, well, I was distracted.”
Jimmy’s eyes swung to Logan then came back to me, amused. “I just bet you were.”
I made a harrumph sound in the back of my throat, but for once had no comeback. I wasn’t the only one who was shocked by that.
Jimmy’s eyebrows shot up in shock. “What? No quick-witted comeback? Now, that’s a first.”
I narrowed my eyes on him. “Watch it, old man. I’ve had a rough day. Don’t push your luck.”
“Now that’s the Rainey I know and love.” He grinned. I shook my head at him as a smile played around my lips. Then Jimmy leaned closer to my ear, where he said gently, “And there’s that smile a lot of men would move mountains for to have it directed at them.” He leaned back far enough to catch my eyes. “Mountains as big as the Rockies, honey.” Then before I could say anything, he winked at me and headed in the direction of the pizza, passing Logan on the way and giving him a chin lift.