The Girl Worth Fighting for (The Girl #2)

by Julia Goda

  Logan watched as Jay shook his head. “I didn’t want you to know what a fuckup I am. I needed you to look up to me, needed you to believe in me, so I could believe in myself again. You’re right. I treated the only two people in the world who meant everything to me like shit. I threw them away. I lost them. But it wasn’t because of the reason you think.”

  “So you didn’t lose it when you lost your title, you didn’t drown in alcohol, yell at your wife, treat her like scum while your daughter could hear it while she was sitting on the floor in her closet? You didn’t cut all contact with them after the divorce and sign away your parental rights, effectively abandoning your daughter and making her feel unworthy of love?”

  Logan saw the tears brimming in Jay’s eyes, but he didn’t give a shit. Jay didn’t deserve his understanding, his pity. “No, I did all that. I hit rock bottom when Sarah asked for a divorce. I gave it to her and broke all contact, because I wanted to give them a clean break. They deserved it. I fucked up, hurt both of them, my precious girls. I couldn’t forgive myself for what I had done and knew that neither would they. So I ripped out my own heart and walked away.”

  “How unbelievably self-less of you,” Logan spat.

  “Cut him some slack, Logan. Jay made mistakes, but he regrets every single one of them. He had good intentions when he gave them up. You can’t deny that, son, no matter if you agree with his choice or not. You didn’t see him when he lost them. I did. Believe me, he was a broken man. He still is. He just hides it better.”

  Logan had nothing to say to that. There had always been a hint of sadness around Jay, sadness he would cover up with either grumpiness or mocking and taunting. He’d never asked him about it, had given him his privacy, had respected it. So Logan couldn’t deny that Jay wasn’t a whole man, that he’d always been somewhat broken.

  “Fuck!” he burst out. “What do you expect me to do now, huh?”

  “I need your help. I want to talk to Rainey.”

  Logan laughed an unamused and disbelieving laugh. “You have got to be shitting me.”

  Jay held his eyes while he shook his head. “I’m not. I want to talk to her. I need to explain. And I need to apologize. I don’t expect either one of them to ever forgive me, but the least I can do is apologize.”

  “I don’t think you’d be welcome. And I’m not sure I’d disagree. Let me be very clear about this, Jay. Rainey is my priority. If I have to choose, I will not choose you. Hell, it won’t even be a choice. It’s a given.”

  “I respect that. I even love you for it. For loving my daughter like that. For wanting to protect her.”

  Fuck. There was the man Logan had admired and respected for so many years. “I can’t be on your side on this. I don’t even want to be.”

  “I don’t expect you to. I know where you stand and I’m grateful you do.”

  “Then you know I won’t make her talk to you.”

  “I know.” He nodded.

  “Then what do you want from me?”

  “Try to ease the way for me. Tell her I want to talk to her. That’s all.”

  “That’s a fucking big favor you’re asking, man.”

  “I promise if she doesn’t want to talk to me, if she sends me away and never wants to see me again, I’ll be out of your lives.”

  Logan thought about it, really thought about it, about what was best for Rainey. She had been living under the cloud of her father not loving her for so long, had suffered from it without even really knowing it was impacting her life. She deserved to know her father hadn’t done what he did because he stopped loving her and her mother. It was himself he had stopped loving, and as a result, he had made a misguided decision that had changed all their lives dramatically. Logan wanted her to heal, wanted her to deal and let that feeling of unworthiness go. And he wasn’t sure she ever could if she didn’t let Jay explain. That was the only reason why he was going to give in and agree to try and help. Because he thought Rainey needed it, if she was aware of it or not. He truly believed that.

  “Let me ask you one thing.” He waited for Jay’s nod before he continued. “Do you love your daughter?”

  “More than anything in the world.” His voice was just above a whisper and broke on the last word. Logan believed him. Emotion like that couldn’t be faked.

  “One more thing. I’m doing this for her, not for you.”

  Jay nodded his understanding. “Thank you, Logan.”

  Logan returned the nod. “We’re not dragging this out. If you want to make your move, you need to do it now. Don’t let her think too much about it, don’t let her put up her fucking walls. Once she does, you’ll have a hell of a time breaking through.”

  Logan caught Jay’s smirk. “What?”

  “Nothing.” He shrugged. “Just sounds like my girl. She was always stubborn as shit. Made up for it with her cuteness and wit though.”

  Logan chuckled. “She hasn’t changed much then. We’re having dinner at her mom’s tonight.”

  Jay’s eyes went wide. “Are you suggesting I talk to her at Sarah’s house? With Sarah there?”

  “Son, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Pete chimed in.

  “Pete, he needs to be a man. Rainey isn’t the only person he owes an apology to. I’m looking at this with my woman’s best interests at heart. And if Jay were my dad, I wouldn’t even think of hearing him out unless he owned up to his mistakes and apologized to my mother first. Rainey and Sarah have a close bond. You think she’s even going to agree to see him before he talks to Sarah?”

  “Fuck,” Jay swore. “He’s right, Pete. She won’t even look at me, least of all talk to me.”

  “It’s a plan then.”

  “It’s a plan.”

  “And remember. This goes the way Rainey wants it to go. You will let her say what she needs to say how she needs to say it. I will not try to hold her back. I will not side with you on anything. I will not feel for you. If she decides to forgive you, I will support her in that. If she thinks she can’t, then I’ll support her in that too. I’m with her all the way no matter what she decides to do with you. Got me?”

  “I got you, Logan.”

  “Then let’s do this.”

  Rainey

  “Yo, Rainey! You stopping by the gym again soon?” I lifted my head to find Matt sitting on the couch across from me. I gave him a small smile and a shrug. I liked the kid. He was the happy-go-lucky type, if a little cocky from time to time. Always a smile on his face, always a joke on his lips, he was one of the most popular kids hanging out at the shelter. He was smart as hell but refused to go to school or even see our tutor. Maybe I should have a chat with Logan about his training, see if we could make it a condition for him to agree to a few sessions.

  “I’m not sure. Why?”

  “I enjoyed watching you kick Jesse’s ass the other day.”

  “You did, didn’t you?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  My smile grew bigger at seeing his grin. “Huh. Wasn’t that you who said he would be looking forward to teaching me a few things as payback for, what was that? Oh, right. I remember now. For always being on your ass?”

  His grin faltered a little, but the glint in his eyes remained.

  “And wasn’t that you who looked really relieved when Coach Pete interfered and you didn’t get your shot at me?” I lifted my hands to make air quotation marks around the word ‘shot’.

  His grin slipped a little more. “Oh, come on, Rainey. Don’t be such a spoil sport.”

  “All right, Matt. I’ll make you a deal. Next time I’m at the gym, it’s you and me in the ring, sparring. I win, you schedule a session with the tutor. You win, I’ll stop bugging you about wasting your intelligence. What do you say?”

  He narrowed his eyes and studied me. He knew what I was doing. I, a girl, was challenging him, a guy, in the common room, where everyone could hear, to a quasi fight in the ring. He couldn’t say no. If he did, the ribbing and teasing would never stop. He knew I knew
he couldn’t say no, and he didn’t like that. But I also knew he liked me enough to not get too pissed about it.

  “Sneaky. I normally don’t like being outsmarted.” Then he burst out laughing. “I suppose I deserved walking right into that one, didn’t I?”

  “I suppose you did,” I said through my now cocky smile.

  “You’re on. How about tonight?”

  “I can’t tonight. Dinner plans.”

  “With the new boyfriend? A certain boxer, maybe, who hangs out here from time to time? Who’s had his eye on you for a while now? Those kind of dinner plans?” He wiggled his eyebrows at me. Unbelievable, that kid.

  I crossed my arms on top of the guitar I was holding in my lap and studied him for a few moments. Then I decided, what the heck, they were going to find out sooner or later anyway.

  “As a matter of fact, yes, Matt, exactly those type of dinner plans.” I’d shocked him. I never discussed anything personal with the kids, and if they asked about or commented on my love life, which, believe it or not, happened almost on a daily basis, I always gave them a level stare until they gave up. He hadn’t expected me to admit to a dinner date with Logan, had probably seen an opportunity to get back at me for tricking him into a tutor session. I’d stumped him, and I was really enjoying it.

  “Well, I’ll be damned,” was all he said.

  I uncrossed my arms and went back to softly strumming my guitar. I had brought it out earlier to center myself. Logan and I had gotten up too late this morning to go on a run, and with all the emotional ups and downs I had endured today, I had needed something to settle myself. Strumming my guitar always worked wonders. As soon as I had gripped the neck and had played a melody, my mind had gone back to Logan and the waterfall, and what he had said about me singing that song. I was still in awe over how well he had been able to read me this whole time.

  “That’s all the information you’re going to get. So you can stop trying to come up with another clever comment.”

  “And if I don’t.”

  I kept my eyes on the strings when I shrugged. “Then I won’t go easy on you, and you can use that smart head of yours to come up with excuses why a girl like me made you cry like a baby.”

  “Damn, woman,” he mumbled under his breath. I smiled to myself. After a few minutes of nothing from him, I thought he had left, but then he asked, “How about tomorrow?”

  I wondered why he was so eager to get me in the ring. He knew from watching me sparring with Jesse that he would be the one who would get taught a few things, and now with the extra embarrassment of having to see the tutor after he lost, I was curious as to why he kept pushing.

  “What’s the rush? You like to get beat on by a girl?” I was teasing him, of course, but I could sense a weird vibe coming from him all of a sudden.

  He shrugged but said nothing. Even after I stropped my fingers and made eye contact again, he didn’t say another word, just stared back at me. His easy-go-lucky attitude was nowhere to be found now. The expression on his face was dead serious and guarded, as if I had hit a sore spot. I thought back over our conversation and realized what I had said and what his reaction could mean. I could push, try to make him talk, but I sensed it would get me nowhere and might even make him retreat from me. I didn’t want that, so I switched our conversation back to teasing.

  “Sorry, Matt. I’m taken. You’re gonna have to take it up with my boyfriend if you want to take me on a date. And he’s a scary-ass dude. I would think twice if I were you.”

  “Dude?” Matt asked through a chuckle.

  “Dude,” I answered, glad I had successfully jumped that hurdle. “I’ll let you know when I’ll stop by the gym again, okay?”

  “Sure,” he said. “See ya.” Then he got up and left the room.

  I started moving my fingers again as I thought about Matt, about what I knew about him. As with most kids who came here, it wasn’t much. I made a mental note to ask Lizzy about him, then Phil and Taryn. I was pretty certain now he came from a family of abuse. Most street kids did, that’s why they ran away, so it wasn’t a far stretch, but the circumstances and degrees varied. Matt, I was sure, had been abused by a female member of his family. A mother, an older sister, an aunt, or a grandmother. It would be hard to get through to him. His easy-going attitude was most likely a defence mechanism to divert people from looking deeper, from asking questions. People who didn’t care enough wouldn’t expend the effort, would take his demeanour at face value. Well, looking deeper was my job. His mask now had a crack, a crack I intended to carefully turn into a hole, which I could then use to get a foot in. I smiled and shook my head to myself. It was almost funny how I had used this same strategy over and over on our kids, how passionate I was about helping them overcome their obstacles and have a better outlook on life, yet I had been more guarded and clamped up than any of them. I was twenty-five years old, and most of these kids were braver than me when it came to facing their demons. Look at Ashley. The things that girl had gone through and the things she still had in front of her: years of therapy, years of trying to figure out how to move on, and the worst, possibly having to face her abuser again in court. My daddy issues were nothing compared to that. I’d been such a hypocrite all these years. Here I’d sat, nudging these kids to open up, when I’d been the most closed up person myself.

  My mind went back to seeing my father this morning. It was time to face it, to stop being such a coward. Because that’s exactly what I had been. I had been afraid of getting hurt, of not being loved, so I’d declared myself unworthy. It was easier to deal with being unloved when you knew you weren’t good enough, when you were undeserving. It sounded completely whacko, but it made total sense in my head. It was kind of like a self-fulfilled prophecy: I wasn’t worthy, hence nobody could love me for that reason alone, therefore I didn’t have to let anyone close enough and didn’t risk falling in love and getting hurt when I remembered they couldn’t love me back. Easy. Stupid. And I couldn’t even blame my father for it. Taking my self-preservation to that level was all on me. But that was done now. I was going to stop blaming myself for other people’s choices, for not liking or loving me. Instead, I was going to put myself out there, open myself up, and hold on to the people who were close to me, who loved me, and whom I loved back. Everyone else could go piss against a tree.

  And there was one other thing I was going to do: I was going to face my father. It wouldn’t be pretty, it would probably hurt like a bitch, but I had to do it. I had a few things to say to him, things I needed to get out, things whose weight had been sitting on my chest, suffocating me, preventing me from breathing, from living my life. It was time I faced him and took on my demons head-on, to stop being the snivelling, sobbing mess I was this morning when I saw him for the first time in ten years.

  “Hey,” I heard said from right in front of me. I startled and stopped playing. Logan was crouching in front of me. “You okay?”

  I tilted my head. “I am, actually. You?” I lowered my eyebrows. “You didn’t call me after you talked to Pete.”

  “I know. I had some things to deal with and some calls to make. And I wanted to talk to you face-to-face, not explain everything on the phone. I haven’t made a final decision yet. I wanted to talk to you first.”

  “Okay. But why are you here? Weren’t we meeting at my house anyway?”

  “I wanted to pick you up.”

  “Lizzy drove my car here.”

  He sighed.

  “What?”

  “I wanted to tell you in the car, but since you’re being stubborn, I’ll tell you now. Not here though. Let’s go to your office.” He took my hand and stood up, pulling me up with him, then walked us to my office and closed the door behind me.

  “What’s happened now?” I didn’t think I could deal with any more drama today. Tomorrow, I’d be in fit fighting form again, but tonight, I needed a break. I needed some normalcy, and dinner at my mom’s house was one of the most normal things in my life. I didn’t wa
nt anything to spoil that. Not tonight.

  Logan leaned against my desk and pulled me in between his legs, holding me close.

  “I talked to Pete. Jay was there too. We talked, after I stopped shouting and threatening him, that is.”

  “Oh.”

  He hesitated, as if he had expected a different reaction from me. “I’m not going to fall apart every time you mention his name, Logan. Actually, I’ve had somewhat of an epiphany just five minutes ago.”

  His eyebrows went up in surprise and question. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And what was that epiphany about?”

  “About needing to face him. I have a few things I want to say to him, things I’m gonna make him listen to. Not that I expect anything from him or want anything from him. I need to do this for purely selfish reasons. I need to tell him what he did to me so I can let it go. I want to let it go. I want to move on.”

  I saw pride shine from his eyes as he watched me. “That’s good, baby, excellent, actually, because he’s coming to your mother’s house tonight. He wants to talk to you and practically begged me to ask you.”

  “He’s coming to my mom’s house?”

  Logan nodded.

  “Tonight?”

  Logan nodded again. “In half an hour.”

  “With my mother there?”

  Another nod, this time accompanied by a small smirk I didn’t have the focus to interpret or ask about.

  “And Ben?”

  “And Ben.”

  “Does he know about Ben?” Not that I cared about my father’s feelings or anything. I couldn’t care less if he was upset about Mom having moved on from him, but I was curious.

  Logan tilted his head in thought. “I’m not sure, actually. I didn’t ask.”

  “Huh.” I wasn’t sure what to think of that. I hadn’t expected to make good on my resolve that quickly. And I didn’t know how I felt about him being in the same house as my mother. The last time I had seen them together, he was shouting at her and treating her like shit. But Ben would be there, so I knew she’d be all right. He’d kick my father’s ass and throw him out if he so much as dropped one disrespectful comment. That thought made me smile a little. This was good, great, actually. I could confront him with my whole family there. We had backup, my mom and I, backup from our men, our very protective men. That gave me another thought.