She stepped away, holding her hand up to ward him off.
Tanner’s world seemed to shrink and go darker in that moment. He knew that hurting Jake would hurt her, too, but until now, he hadn’t realized how much.
She bent down to Jake and took his hand in hers. Tears pooled in her eyes. “He’ll need to be restrained. He’s not . . . himself.”
Clay stared at Jake, his expression grim. “I understand.”
Chapter Thirty
Payton made arrangements to have them taken to a private hospital. They were separated, and none of the staff would answer Roxanne’s questions about either Tanner or Jake. They cited privacy laws, but she didn’t give a shit about that. She needed to know they were safe and that they were being taken care of.
Wearing only her flimsy hospital gown, she removed her IV and went out to search for some answers. Payton was standing outside her door. For the first time in her life, he looked slightly rumpled. His tie was loose, and his shirt had lost some of its starch. His face was pale, and there were lines around his eyes and mouth that she couldn’t remember being there before.
“How are they?” she asked.
“Tanner will recover. He’s got a hell of a concussion, but they’re monitoring him. The bullet wounds were patched up, and he’ll be as good as new in no time.”
Relief stole her breath, and she had to grab the wall to steady herself.
Tanner was going to be okay. The words ran through her head, chiming like bells. He was going to be okay.
She had to swallow twice before she could speak. “And Jake?”
“He’s alive.”
“That’s it? That doesn’t sound good. Where is he?”
He regarded her with a steady stare. “You can’t see him.”
“He’s my best friend. I’m the only family he has. Of course I’m going to see him. Pull whatever strings you need to, but you get me into his room.”
“I’m sorry. That’s not possible.”
“Why not?”
He looked up and down the hall, then stepped forward, took her arm, and guided her back into her room. His voice was low, his tone solemn. “The things that were done to him—the doctors don’t know if they can undo them.”
“What do you mean?”
“They removed the device that was surgically implanted. There’s no risk he’ll die of poison like the others.”
“That’s good, right?”
“Of course, but it’s not enough. They gave him drugs we can’t identify. They subjected him to psychological conditioning.”
“What does that mean?”
“They fucked with his head. They brainwashed him. That’s not the kind of thing that is easily reversed, and when it is, there are no guarantees that he’ll ever be the same man he was before. We can’t trust him, Razor. We can’t let him free.”
The implications of what he said sank in, leaving a cold chill in their wake. “You’re going to lock him up? I just risked my life to free him. You can’t do that to him.”
“We have to. He’s a danger to himself and others. He’s a danger to you.”
“No, he’s not.”
“We were able to learn that the last order he was given was to kill you and Tanner. Do you really want to risk your life like that? Will you risk Tanner’s?”
The thought made her sick. If it involved just her, she’d take the risk, but she couldn’t do that to Tanner. Even if he could take care of himself, he had a family to think about. “What can we do?”
“I know people—powerful people—who may be able to help him, but he’ll have to go away.”
The idea of locking him up, of keeping him prisoner, made her sick. He’d hardly been able to stand sitting in a classroom at school. She couldn’t even imagine what it would be like for him to be locked away. “I want to see him.”
Payton’s voice was hard. “No. It’s out of the question.”
Roxanne leaned forward, going up on her toes. “Either you let me see him, or I’ll find a way to see him without your help.”
“You’ll never find him.”
“Do you really want to bet on that? You know me. You know what I can do. I have money, resources. I’ll spend every waking hour working to free my friend. You know I will.”
He closed his eyes and let out a searing curse under his breath. “Fine. I’ll let you see him, but you can’t get close. He’s hard to restrain, and they just finished sewing up the wounds on his wrists from where he tried to free himself before.”
She nodded. “I don’t want him to hurt himself. I just want to talk to him. I’ll be careful.”
Payton sighed and led her to a room with two armed guards posted at the door. She didn’t recognize the men. They were dressed in civilian clothing, but they had the look of servicemen. He showed them his ID, and one of the guards opened the door.
The room was dark. A bit of light streamed out from the bathroom where the door had been left ajar. Several monitors sat around the bed, casting a bit of blue light onto the pristine sheets. She could just make out Jake’s shape on the bed.
“Jake?” she whispered, not wanting to startle him. “It’s Roxanne.”
He shifted on the bed, letting out a low moan.
“He’s sedated,” said Payton.
“I don’t care. I want to talk to him.”
She pushed the bathroom door wider to let in more light. It was enough to see his gaunt features and the bandages covering his skin. He was held to the bed with wide leather straps around his upper arms, legs, and torso. An IV ran into the backs of both his hands.
“Jake?” She stepped forward.
“That’s far enough,” said Payton. “He’s awake.”
“No, he’s not. He’s—”
Payton grabbed her arm and held her back.
Jake’s eyes opened. “Come closer, sweetheart. Give me a kiss.”
Payton’s grip tightened. “She stays here.”
Jake thrashed against his bonds, his body arching off the bed. His face turned bright red and sweat began to bead on his forehead. His voice was rough with fury. “Let me go. Now!”
That wasn’t her friend—it wasn’t the Jake she knew. “What have they done to you?”
Payton said, “They drugged him. He can’t control himself right now. It’s not his fault.”
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” seethed Jake.
“I’m sick of doctors. I’m sick of drugs. Just let me go.”
Her heart broke as she witnessed his pain and frustration. “I’m sorry, Jake. We have to get you better first.”
His body went limp, and he closed his eyes. “You should have let me die, Rox. At least Tanner stopped me before I hurt you.”
“I’m going to get you through this,” she promised.
He tensed, his limbs jerking against the bonds. “You should kill me now.”
Roxanne choked back a sob of grief. She didn’t want him to see her cry. She needed to be strong for him. “No one is going to kill you. We’re going to help you.”
His dark eyes went frigid, and he sneered at her. “Either you kill me, or I’m going to fucking kill you, bitch.”
Roxanne flinched and stepped back in shock, unable to control herself. She barely recognized him. He was cold. Angry. A sinister gleam filled his eyes, and a wicked smile twisted his mouth.
“Jake,” she breathed out, anguish crushing her.
“Stay here,” ordered Payton. He went to a machine controlling the IV and entered a code. The medicine began to drip faster.
Jake thrashed the whole time, struggling to reach Payton. His teeth were bared, and the tendons in his neck stood out as he stretched as if he might be able to bite the man.
Payton came back to her. “We should go. He needs to rest.”
“I can’t leave him like this. He doesn’t have anyone else.”
“We’ll take care of him. I promise.”
Jake’s body sagged on the bed, and he panted. His voice slurr
ed, as if he were falling asleep. “I’m sorry, Rox. I can’t . . . control myself. Please go. I want to hurt you so much. I want to feel your blood run over my fingers. I want to feel your heart stop beating as I choke you.” He let out a low moan of agony. Tears slid down his cheeks. “Oh God, Rox. Please go.”
Grief pounded at her as she turned and fled the room. She couldn’t stand to make him suffer anymore. She’d already caused him so much pain by failing to find him sooner.
Her bare feet slapped against the floor. Payton was right behind her. “Razor, stop.”
She couldn’t. She had to get out of there.
Reid stood up from the chair where he’d been waiting and blocked her path. She ran into him, and he held her arms so she couldn’t get free. She was too tired to fight him, too crushed to care about her pride. “Please,” she begged him, “get me out of here. I can’t stay and make him suffer. I want to leave.” She wanted Tanner. She wanted to fall into his arms and have him hold her until this was all just a distant nightmare.
But that wasn’t going to happen. Tanner had been hurt by all of this, too. He’d been beaten, shot. All because he had the bad luck of being assigned to babysit her. Every ounce of pain he’d suffered—every cut and scrape and bullet wound—was her fault.
Tanner had his family to think about. They needed him. She couldn’t go running to him anymore. If she did, she could cost him his job on top of everything else. Their time together was over. She had to let him go the same way she had to let Jake go. She couldn’t stand to hurt either one of them any longer.
Reid looked over her head, then nodded. She didn’t care that he was talking about her to Payton like she wasn’t there. “I want to leave.”
“Okay, Razor. Whatever you want.”
Chapter Thirty-one
Tanner had to get out of here. His body was on the mend, but after five days of no contact from Roxanne, he knew where he stood. He’d tried to call her, but she never answered. Reid said she’d gone to some mountain cabin to recover.
Alone.
She hadn’t come to see him while he recovered. She hadn’t called. She hadn’t even said good-bye. If he needed any more proof that she couldn’t forgive him for hurting Jake, he didn’t know what it was.
At least she was going to be okay. He kept reminding himself of that, trying to put as much positive spin on the shitty situation as he could.
He rolled up a T-shirt and shoved it in the duffel bag with the rest. As soon as he was packed up, he’d hit the road. A buddy of his up north had a construction job waiting for him. The pay wasn’t as good as at the Edge, but he’d find a cheap hole to live in and send most of it back home. His family needed the cash, but they’d be better off without him hanging around to disappoint them.
Especially Reid. His brother hadn’t been able to look him in the eye since he got out of the hospital. That didn’t bode well for their already-strained relationship.
Mom came in with a basket of laundry. She’d lost weight since the accident. Her clothes hung on her frame, making her appear more fragile. Her eyes were red from crying, though there wasn’t a single sign of tears. Since Dad and Brody had died, she’d become a master of hiding her sorrow.
She set the basket down on his bed. “I wish you’d change your mind. It was so nice having you home again.”
“I’m sure Reid would disagree.”
Reid appeared in the bedroom doorway. “I’d disagree about what?”
Tanner sighed. He didn’t want to get into this. Losing Roxanne was eating at his guts, twisting his insides until he knew he’d never feel right again. He just wanted to get out of here and go somewhere he could lick his wounds in peace. It might not be possible to get over a woman like her, but he was going to give it his best effort.
Mom hugged Reid. “Tell your brother you don’t want him to go.”
“Of course I don’t. I was the one who nagged him to come back here in the first—”
“I’ll send you money,” said Tanner.
Mom waved her hand in annoyance. “I don’t care about the money. We’ll make do. I don’t need you boys taking care of me.”
Tanner sighed. He was tired of this argument, especially now that it was keeping him from moving on with his life. “Dad would have skinned us alive if we left you and Karen to deal with the bills on your own.”
“Well, Dad isn’t here,” she said. “It’s time the two of you started listening to me.”
“We’ve always listened to you,” said Reid.
“No, you’re both too busy being jealous of each other to listen to anyone.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Tanner.
She turned to Tanner and poked a finger at his chest. “You were always jealous that Reid got all of your father’s attention.”
Mom was right there. Dad had always spent more time with Reid than with him. Tanner had just never stacked up with Dad, so he quit trying.
Next she jabbed her finger in Reid’s chest. “You were always jealous of Tanner for being free to do what he wanted while your father had very specific expectations for you as his firstborn.”
Tanner stood there in shock. He’d never thought about it like that, but Mom was right. Reid had never been allowed to do the things that Tanner had. Dad had always had plans for him. Tanner had always been jealous that he wasn’t included, but he’d never once thought that Reid would have envied Tanner’s freedom.
Reid rubbed the spot she’d poked and looked over Mom’s head at Tanner. “Is that true?”
Tanner nodded. “You?”
Reid nodded.
Mom let out a loud sigh. “Oh, for heaven’s sake. The two of you are really that boneheaded? You’re grown men, and you never stopped to talk about it?”
“Not until just now,” answered Tanner.
She shook her head and stalked out of the room, muttering about how she was cursed to always be surrounded by stubborn men.
Reid eyed the duffel bag. “So, you’re leaving?”
“It’s not working out, Reid. I couldn’t even make it to one simple birthday party.”
“Razor told me why. You were being followed.”
He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter why. I let Karen down. Millie’s too young to know I missed it, but that won’t last long. I don’t want to do that to—”
“You did the right thing.”
Tanner’s hands stilled in shock as he rolled another shirt. “That’s not what you thought at the time.”
“I didn’t know all the facts. Now I do.”
Tanner shoved the shirt in with the rest and turned to face his brother. “This just isn’t going to work. I’d rather leave now before Mom gets too used to the idea of having me—”
“Too late for that. And what about me? I kinda like the idea of having you around.”
“How can you say that? You told me you’d wished I’d been the one to die instead of Brody.
Reid looked at the floor. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s not true. When you went missing, I thought . . .” He cleared his throat and pulled in a deep breath. “I thought you were dead, too. I realized that losing you would have been just as devastating as losing Brody. I never should have thought otherwise.”
Tanner wanted to believe it. He wanted to think that Reid’s anger and grief had made him wish Tanner had died in Brody’s place. But words were easy, and the only way to know for sure was to stick around. Maybe believing there was a chance Reid loved him was better than knowing for sure he didn’t. If he walked away now, that hope could live on and sustain Tanner. Things would never be the same between them again, but at least they wouldn’t be worse. “We’re different men. We’re never going to see things eye—”
“We both love our family. We both give a shit what happens to Brody’s babies. We both care about Razor. I think that’s common ground enough.”
“I’ll always be your little brother,” said Tanner. “You’ll never respect me enough for us to work together.”
/> “Respect takes time, but you’re racking up points faster than any man I’ve worked with. The last time we spent any real time together, you were a scrawny teenager. I guess it took me a while to see that you’ve changed.”
“But have you? I saw the way you looked at me after you found out about me and Roxanne. You were ashamed.”
He pushed his hands into his jeans pockets and gave Tanner a sheepish look. “I was jealous.”
“Jealous?”
Reid shrugged. “She’s a hell of a woman, and you had the guts to break the rules and grab what you wanted with both hands. I never will.”
“Yeah, well a lot of good it did me. She won’t take my calls or return any messages.”
“I was there when she found out that it was too late for Jake. She was crushed. Give her some time.”
Tanner zipped up the bag. He didn’t want to go, but he still wasn’t convinced it wasn’t for the best. Indecision weighed on him, making him drag his feet.
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” asked Reid.
He couldn’t meet his brother’s gaze. He couldn’t even open his mouth to answer. That would make his feeling too real—too frightening.
Tanner nodded. “Not that it matters. I nearly killed her best friend. That’s not the kind of thing a woman gets over.”
“You’re wrong. I think she loves you, too.”
“There’s no way. She left the hospital without even saying good-bye.”
“Because she loves you.”
“Even you can’t be stupid enough to believe that.”
“I know what I saw. She loves you. And she’s terrified.”
“She’s far too tough to be terrified.”
“Except for Jake. She was scared as hell for him, right?”
Tanner nodded.
“And she loves him, right?”
She did.
“See a pattern?” asked Reid.
Tanner couldn’t let himself believe it. His feelings for her were too raw, but at the same time, he couldn’t walk away without knowing—without fighting. If there was even a chance . . .
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