Off the Cuff

by Carson Kressley

  What Color Shoes with Suits?

  I wouldn’t be so worried about rules. It’s case by case and you just have to see what looks good. I love a navy suit with a brown shoe. It’s very rich and very, very English. I like black shoes with navy as well. Brown goes with pretty much everything but black. If someone tells you brown is the new black, I have news for you, people: They’re lying.

  For those who are firmly in touch with their masculine side, most men’s fashion books will tell you that the dark velvet slipper is appropriate with a tuxedo. I personally love the formal slipper embroidered with your monogram (or Gucci’s or Ralph Lauren’s,) a family crest, or a sartorial nod to a favorite hobby—perhaps martini glasses or a skull and crossbones. (Corporate logos do not count.) Just keep the vamp high so as not to look like an out-of-work ballet dancer.

  A word of caution: The velvet slipper is for real pros. In all honesty, I think velvet slippers can be far too gay sometimes, even for me. That’s saying a lot, people. Let’s just leave it there and move on.

  10a. I know, I know, I said ten, but if you live someplace where inclement weather is a factor, you might want some snow boots. Unless you live in Alaska, you’re not going to wear them every day, so you can invest in a pair that will last for a number of years. Make sure they look good and they do their job.

  All About Suede Shoes

  Whilst I was a student at Ralph Lauren “University,” many of my fellow “classmates” seemed to feel that suede shoes were only for fall and winter. I disagree. Many designers are making shoes out of fine, beautiful suede these days. It’s so soft, luxurious, and rich that suede has become the cashmere of leathers. And just as cashmere is seasonless, I believe suede—which is inside-out calfskin, in case you were wondering—is, too.

  There’s also a misconception out there that if suede gets dirty, you have to get rid of it. Caring for your suede is actually really, really easy. All you have to do is get a suede brush, which you can find at any shoe repair store, and give the shoes a good brushing—just like that great My Little Pony you had as a child. Or maybe it was the one you coveted from your little sister. Or was it Pound Puppies? But I digress. Anyway, brush your suede shoes just once or twice a season, and it will extend their life considerably.

  Snow boots are necessary because there is no better way to ruin your leather shoes than to walk around in the snow. The salt on the sidewalk will migrate up to the sole of your shoe and cause it to detach. Salt also causes white crystallization on your shoes that you’ll have to work hard to get out. (Should you find yourself in that unfortunate situation, try a soft cloth and a shoe cream with mink oil.) If it’s snowy out, wear boots kind when you get to the office or wherever you’re going, then change into your dress shoes. Mind you, this is the one and only time I will allow you to change your shoes for your commute. Otherwise, it’s ridiculous.

  Taking Care of Your Friends, Your Shoes

  So now that you’ve amassed this great library of shoes, how are you going to take care of them? It really doesn’t take much. You can just literally spit shine them with a soft cloth every once and a while, in between occasional polishings, which need to be done with real, live shoe polish. You don’t want to be a slave to your shoes and feel like you have to spit shine and polish them every day. This isn’t the Army, people or An Officer and a Gentleman. Oh, don’t get me started on Richard Gere. Dreamsville! Sigh.

  Your shoes should be kept clean and dry. It’s also a good idea not to wear the same pair of shoes every day. Just give them a day to breathe in between wearings and they’ll stay with you a long, long time. I’m also a big fan of the shoe tree. Shoe trees are good; plastic ficus trees are bad. If you buy an expensive pair of shoes, I’m going to be very upset if you don’t also invest in a pair of $8 shoe trees. When you’re not wearing your shoes, trees help them keep their shape and stay fresh and dry.

  Keeping shoes in the boxes is always the wrong answer. Your shoes are like trophies. Keep them out so you can see them. I know it’s fun to hold on to the memory of that glorious day of shoe shopping, when they all came in their fresh little boxes, but keeping them cooped up doesn’t allow circulation, which is really important. Everything in your closet should be able to get some air, as all natural fibers and materials need. I recommend you invest in a canvas shoe holder that just slips over your closet door. That way you can keep all of your shoes out where you can see them. If they are in the boxes, you wind up forgetting what you have and not wearing some. And that would make us both sad clowns.

  Shoes

  Thick chunky sandals, also known as “mandals.” They look good on no one. Never worn with socks, by the way. It’s way too lesbian hootenanny.

  Wearing socks with flip-flops. Ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” He wouldn’t wear socks.

  Anything orthopedic-looking. If your shoe makes it seem that you have polio, it’s probably not the right look, unless you do have polio, in which case you should be getting better medical care, as polio has gone the way of the gaucho, people. It’s virtually nonexistent.

  Backless shoes, otherwise known as the man mule. Always the wrong answer. If you wear mules, you’ll look like a jackass. Mules = jackass.

  Clogs. One letter away from “clod.” Need I say more?

  Anything in patent leather unless it’s black tie. Or you’re a cop. In that case, it’s hot. But don’t get me started.

  Doc Martens. Sorry, all you hipsters, but they’re just not polished-looking or classic. They’re big and clunky and look like they’re meant for working in a coal mine. Attention all ravers: Put down the glow sticks and step away from the Doc Martens. Repeat. Step away from the Doc Martens.

  Shoes in bright, crazy hues. You’ll look like an ass. Or an elf.

  Save it for Vegas or the Christmas pageant.

  CHAPTER 2

  Underthings UNERWEAR, T SHIRTS, AND NAUGHTY SILK TEDDIES. JUST KIDDING

  THERE’S AN OLD ADAGE THAT WOMEN WHO WEAR SEXY UNDERWEAR FEEL SEXY ALL DAY LONG. THE SAME IDEA HOLDS TRUE FOR MEN, as long as you’re not actually wearing women’s underwear, that is. That’s a whole other after school special. But it’s true that everything you put on your body in the morning is going to affect how you feel throughout the day, and if you don’t feel good about what you’re wearing, it will show. So why not start out by making sure you feel good about the very first thing you’ll probably put on in the morning? I mean, it’s going to be up in your Kool-Aid all day, for God’s sake.

  Your underwear is just like my teacup Yorkie or your right hand—it’s man’s best friend. You want to make sure it’s comfortable and it’s high-quality. Pulling on those old tattered boxers with the skidmarks or an undershirt with spaghetti sauce on it from a dinner you had during your nanny years will only remind you of that crazy homeless person you saw on your way into work. I want you to aim higher.

  The great thing about undergarments is that they’re so very inexpensive. So unless you’re on welfare, there’s really no reason not to get rid of your ratty old ones and treat yourself to a fresh new set once a year—and you can still squander your wealth on other things! And if you are on welfare, pull yourself up by your shirttails, people.

  Let’s start off by dispelling the myth that it’s okay not to wear any underwear at all. Freeballing is never the right answer, except maybe for models. I have one word for you: Chafe. And that’s about as much fun as pulling off a fingernail with a pair of pliers. Not a good time.

  No matter what kind of underwear you choose to wrap the family jewels in, it should always be 100 percent cotton. There’s a reason they call it the fabric of our lives. It breathes better. It’s more comfortable. It’s easier to wash. Some underwear might have a little bit of Lycra or spandex to give it stretch, which is fine. Keep it to a minimum, though, because that stuff doesn’t breathe as well. You might think that silk underwear is the height of cool, but it so very rarely looks hot on anyone. It usually inspires a giggle, which is not a good thing in t
he bedroom. So let’s leave the silk undies for the ladies and for our friends in the transgendered community, shall we?

  The style of underwear you choose to wear is a very personal decision. Only a few people will see you in this state of undress—your significant other, your doctor, your mom, and perhaps a few bar patrons now and then. (Well, hopefully not your mom, especially if you’re over forty.) So will it be boxers or briefs? Well, I believe that boxers are best left to the young and sexy. (Think of the Abercrombie and Fitch catalog. Hold on, let me take a moment to clean myself off.) But a man in boxers who is even slightly overweight or older tends to give off a granddad, nursing home vibe. Save that look for your assisted living years.

  Many of you might think that tighty-whitie briefs are the answer. I hate to burst your happy little bubble, but there’s nothing like a grown man walking around in tightywhities to deflate your libido. The ladies know this, and so do I. Now, depending on how lucky you are, you may need extra support while you’re working out or playing sports, and that might be the only time it’s appropriate to don them. Don’t even get me started on jockstraps. They’re not underwear, so just let go of your Vision Quest fantasies. And as for all the so-called sexy underwear for men—thongs, the banana hammock, anything of that variety—news flash, people! They’re not sexy—they’re truly frightening.

  What I like to recommend is a nice little hybrid number—the boxer brief. They provide excellent coverage, they keep everything nicely in place, and they look sexy on almost everyone except the morbidly obese and the manorexic.

  In general, your underwear should be in solid, subdued colors. Underwear’s not the place to get creative in your wardrobe. I like plain old white or heather gray, because those won’t show up under lighter colored pants during the summer months and will be useful throughout the year. You might want a couple of pairs of black underwear for your sexier moments. I’m not going to get involved there.

  At Christmas or Valentine’s Day, you might be tempted to wear boxers adorned with reindeers, cupids, or cutesy sayings. Resist that temptation. You’ll only look like a lunatic or a loser. God forbid you have an accident—try explaining those leprechauns on your boxers to the nice male nurse named Terry in the emergency room.

  And by the way, theme underwear is out. Was it ever really in? Sure, Underoos had their moment, but you were eight. If SpongeBob SquarePants or anyone affiliated with Marvel comics appears anywhere on your underwear, please get rid of them before some unsuspecting person calls the authorities. If I find them in your underwear drawer, I might have to dial 1-800-ALARM-ME.

  UNDERSHIRTS

  Think of your undershirt as your dress shirt’s little helper. When you have really beautiful quality, super luxurious cotton dress shirts (or even if you don’t), you don’t want to over launder them. If you wear a T-shirt underneath your dress shirt, it runs interference for you by absorbing the sweat, dirt and body oils that we all inevitably secrete. Yes, even me. By putting a nice little tee under your dress shirt, you might be able to get away with not having to launder the shirt every time you wear it, and your shirt will be your trusty friend for even longer. And it’s all about friendships, you know.

  If you want to be really chic and you don’t have a lot of body hair (or pierced nipples), you don’t have to wear a T-shirt, but you’re going to have to launder that shirt every time.

  I don’t care what brand of undershirt you wear or whether you get them at Saks Fifth Avenue or at a store that also sells auto parts and cat litter. The only thing that matters is that they should be 100 percent cotton and should have a certain amount of heft to them. Put your hand underneath the shirt. If you can’t see your hand through the fabric, that’s a good gauge of quality. There are ridiculously super luxurious undershirts made of silk, but there’s just no reason for that. No one is going to see them, and you’re not going to know the difference. Just good old, high-quality 100 percent cotton will be soft and cuddly and you’ll love me for them.

  You probably already know that undershirts come with different necklines: crew neck, V-neck, and the wife beater, or the domestic partner beater as I like to call it. (You might also know it as the guinea tee. Pause for Sylvester-Stallone in-Rocky fantasy. Okay, then.) If you’re going to be wearing a dress shirt with an open neck, I don’t like to see the white ring of a crew neck T-shirt peeking out from underneath. I think it’s always sexier and better looking to see bare chest. Our European friends know that, and look how they do with the ladies. So invest in some V-neck tees for under your dress shirts. They’re perfect: You show a nice bit of clavicle, and they still protect your shirts from sweat and undo wear and tear.

  By the way, when I say I like to see a little bare chest, I mean bare chest. I don’t want to see your Viagra falls of chest hair spilling out and ruining my day. In that case, you need to become friendly with your local neighborhood waxing professional. (See chapter nine on grooming for more on what I like to call manscaping.) And just please promise me you won’t ever wear a V-neck without the shirt on top of it. If you go out in a V-neck T-shirt alone, you will remain that way—alone—for the rest of the night. Perhaps for the rest of your life. Ah, loneliness. Strong medicine.

  Though I don’t like to see a crewneck T-shirt under an open woven shirt, crewnecks do lend a certain J.Crew, collegiate feel to any outfit. But if you must, crewneck tees should always be white. Gray and oatmeal are a no. They just look dirty. Crewneck tees are great for wearing under a sweater or a sport shirt. But notice I said under. The kind of white T-shirt you can wear with jeans and nothing else is not the same kind you find in the underwear aisle at Target for $10 a pack of three. (See chapter four for more on T-shirts.) Just wait till I get my Hanes on you if I see you wearing underwear in lieu of real clothing.

  TIP

  Fairy Godstylist

  Socks are sized one and a half times larger than your shoes. If you wear a shoe size eight, you’re a nine and a half in socks. Irritating but true.

  As for the domestic partner beater, these have become obsolete, and they might as well be eradicated. They fulfill no purpose as they don’t cover the areas where you sweat the most, your armpits. They just make you look like a refugee from The Sopranos, which is a great show, but not where you should be getting your fashion inspiration. But if you absolutely must wear a domestic partner beater, please don’t wear them by themselves with jeans. Not unless you’re Antonio Sabato, Jr. For him I’ll make an exception. While we’re at it, I don’t think there’s a place in this world for tank tops except at the gym, where I kind of like them. In fact I encourage them. There’s nothing nicer than seeing a meaty delt out on display with a darling gym ensemble.

  SOCKS

  Men seem to be eternally bewildered about what color their socks are supposed to be. It’s okay. I’m here for you. First of all, it’s always better to stray on the side of darker socks, meaning your socks can be darker than your suit. Promise me you will never, ever—ever—buy flesh-toned socks. You’ll look like you’re wearing nude pantyhose and just those three words—nude panty hose—give me the heebiejeebies. When in doubt, match your sock color to that of your shoes; it will create a seamless line. You don’t want to match socks to pants, because you could wind up looking like you’re wearing stirrup pants. Basically, if you buy yourself an army of black and brown cotton or silk dress socks, you’ll be just fine. If you want to try some patterned socks, remember to keep it simple. There’s nothing worse than a bold patterned suit with a patterned sock.

  Socks can really invigorate your wardrobe. If you’re wearing casual clothes, you can mix it up with argyles, herringbone, dots, whatever. Go ahead and have yourself a little party in your shoes. It can also be really festive to wear brightly colored socks—purple, red, yellow, etc.—for occasions like holiday parties, but I say that with extreme caution because this can easily backfire. And just like underwear, any kind of novelty socks (sports figures, superheroes, Valentine’s cupids, Christmas trees, socks t
hat play music, light up, etc.) are to be avoided at all costs. You should also steer clear of any sock that’s provided free of charge, especially airline socks.

  Some people like wool socks for when it’s nippy out, but I think most wool socks are scratchy, hot, and tend to trap moisture. They’ve gone the way of the milkman. They’re outdated. For the ultimate in sock luxury, you can invest in a pair of soft and cuddly cashmere socks. They’ll probably run you around $150, but you didn’t really need to eat much this month, did you? If you can’t afford cashmere socks, you can try a merino wool sock, which is a very high-quality wool, or a wool/cashmere blend. It’s almost like the real thing. Just like that nice “lady” Suzy you met at the Vince Lombardi service area on the New Jersey Turnpike! You remember her!

  And now we come to one of the pressing questions of our times: How high should your socks be? A good quality dress sock should always be long. They shouldn’t be as long as control-top panty hose, of course, but they should always be long enough to go well up to your calf. I do not want to see the gap between your sock and your pants when you cross your legs. First of all, your pants will hopefully not be that short to start with. (Clam diggers are always the wrong answer.) Your socks should also be able to stay up without Levitra. If your socks are falling down around your ankles, making you look like you have elephantiasis, or you’re wondering where you can find yourself a good pair of sock garters like your great-grandfather Ebenezer wore, it’s time to get new socks. High-quality socks of the proper length should come up to your calf and stay there.