Off the Cuff

by Carson Kressley

  4. Any hats purchased while drunk at Mardi Gras. I don’t care what it looks like. Just get rid of it.

  5. Do rags and bandanna “drug helmets.” They look good on Nelly, but then again, what doesn’t? Chocolate thunder!

  6. Jester hats. They were invented to make people laugh at you. Brilliant invention. Still works!

  7. Hats that combine the art of crochet with the art of recycling. You’ve seen them at county fairs: shards of old Mountain Dew cans lovingly (or drunkenly) strewn together with neon-colored yarn to create a conversational-but-stomach-wrenching bucket hat. Your green, earth-friendly impulses are to be applauded, but not at the expense of polluting the fashion landscape with ugly headwear. I’m channeling that sad Indian again.

  CHAPTER 7

  Accessories LAST THING ON, FIRST THING NOTICED

  STYLISH ACCESSORIES ARE SO VERY IMPORTANT. JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE SMALL AND GO ON LAST DOESN’T MEAN THAT THEY should be an afterthought or that you can go without them. Think of accessories as the crowning glory of that wardrobe you’ve worked so hard to put together: You need to pay attention and not screw them up.

  JEWELRY

  The average straight man’s jewelry should be minimal. Most of the time, men and jewelry just don’t mix. Unless you’ve won a Super Bowl, there is no reason to wear a giant dome ring as an homage to your gridiron glory days. Put it in your hope chest or hock it. Chains, rings, anything like that—especially when done in gold—will always make you look like you’re in the mafia or trying out for Kiss Me, Guido. If you’re a young guy, or exceptionally cool, a simple necklace made of a piece of suede cording with a little piece of silver hanging from it—either a small cross or some sort of ethnic token—can look really hot with an open shirt, or with a T-shirt and denim. It’s very rock and roll. Very Johnny Depp. Just remember that whatever’s hanging from the cord should never be bigger than your head or a toaster. Come to think of it, your head shouldn’t be bigger than a toaster either.

  As for earrings, I’ll be honest: I don’t like them. For 99.9 percent of men, I think earrings make you look like an out-of-date rock star or a pirate, and neither is a particularly enviable look. In very rare instances, someone like Johnny Depp or Lenny Kravitz can get away with earrings. But for average Joes, I suggest you take that ear-ring out and leave your Def Leppard fantasy at the door, thank you. My motto? Studs without studs.

  The only jewelry I will unconditionally allow, of course, is a wedding band. That’s the kind of sacred ground where I could never say what’s good and what’s bad. It’s so special, and obviously, if you have one on, you’ve received it before I’ve gotten to you. Hopefully you’re wearing a simple, classic, elegant wedding band, but even if you’re not, the person who gave it to you loves you and you still have to wear it no matter what I say. I’ll deal.

  WATCHES

  Because most men don’t wear jewelry, thank God, a great watch is really important. Unless you’re a gender illusionist (or drag queen, as some people so mundanely call them), a nice watch should be the most noticeable piece of jewelry you own. Your watch doesn’t have to be a Rolex. But it shouldn’t cost $5.99 and be made of plastic or held together with Scotch tape, either. Think somewhere in the middle of those two extremes. You can get a great watch like a Swatch that’s relatively inexpensive and looks amazing. Actually, get two watches: one for work and one for the weekend. When they’re classic and sophisticated, they will last you a lifetime. I love a classic diving watch, a chronograph in stainless steel, or for a more dressy option that looks great, a tank watch.

  Another great trick is to buy a watch with a simple silver or stainless steel case and a removable band. You can have a brown leather band, a crocodile band, and even a fun multicolored grosgrain one for summer. It’s a great way to get many different looks out of one watch. Versatile. Like me!

  For the record, I don’t mind a sports watch, I just recommend you don’t overly trick them out. Your watch shouldn’t be able to land the space shuttle or locate a stolen car. It’s a watch, not a LoJack.

  The Fake Rolex Dilemma

  When it comes to designer knockoffs, men don’t fall into as many traps as women do. But the one place in the marketplace you will find designer imitations for men is in accessories—watches, shoes, belts, and luggage.

  If you’re buying a Rolex for $50 from a guy on the corner who also sells incense and windup barking dog toys, I have news for you: It’s not real. I would much rather see you buy a cool, well-engineered, great-looking Swatch for fifty bucks than have you wear a fake Rolex. It isn’t who you are, it’s pretentious, and—oh yeah—it’s illegal! If you are a Rolex kind of guy, that’s great, but buy the genuine article. Buying a fake Rolex is like having sex on the Internet. It’s not real.

  The real thing costs more because it is the real thing—you’re paying for construction, classic design, and overall quality. When you buy a fake, you’re not getting any of that. I’m not going to get all PC (politically Carson) on you, but the bottom line is you get what you pay for. Even I’ve bought fakes, I confess, but they’re never worth it.

  Guys should also think about the scale of their watch in ratio to the size of their wrists. You don’t want a big hunking piece of metal if you have a skinny little chicken-bone wrist. You know what they say: big wrists ... big watch. Once again, invoke the head rule: If the watch is bigger than your head, it’s too big. Actually, it should never be bigger than a half dollar.

  CUFF LINKS

  In the last few years, there’s been a subtle shift in men’s fashion. Because a lot of guys aren’t wearing suits—or even ties—every day, the shirt itself has now become the canvas for self-expression. Everywhere you look, you see beautiful striped woven shirts that look cool whether you wear them with dress slacks or with denim.

  With great thanks to our friends across the pond, a lot of the wonderful shirts out there, from Thomas Pink to Paul Smith to moderate American designers, now have French cuffs. And American men are baffled by them. They leave the cuffs hanging all the way down to their fingertips or they roll them up. Wrong answer. By doing that, you’re not making the most of what can be a great look—all it takes is a simple investment in a great pair of cuff links. Don’t be afraid.

  Adding a cuff links can really personalize your wardrobe. They can say a lot about your personality and add a lot of sass or class. They can act as a nod to a favorite hobby, a zodiac sign, whatever. They shouldn’t be too big and you should avoid being too whimsical: Teddy bears and bunny rabbits might not be the best choice for attracting a mate.

  For a classic look, I love a nice sterling silver oval from Tiffany’s. If you want to do something funky or fun, and you don’t want to spend a lot of money, flea markets and secondhand stores offer an amazing array of cuff links for next to nothing. Problem solved!

  SUNGLASSES

  I can’t say enough about the importance of sunglasses. They protect your eyes, keep you from squinting, and prevent the need for botox in the future. And they make you look like a movie star. What more do you want? It’s the easiest fix in the book. When I put a great pair of sunglasses on somebody, it’s always transforming.

  You’ve now heard me say this a million times, but when looking for sun-glasses, keep it simple. If you go crazy with sunglasses, you’ll look like Elton John or somebody from MTV’s House of Style or like you just got back from Ibiza. We don’t want that. No colored tints, either, or you’ll risk looking like Anastacia. I love her music, but it’s not the right look for most men. Bone structure. Go figure. You want classic sunglasses, like Ray-Ban Wayfarers, which Tom Cruise wore in Risky Business. Aviators also look hot on almost everybody. (Hello! Tom Cruise in Top Gun!) In fact, when in doubt, just try to look like Tom Cruise.

  Sunglasses are artwork that frames your face. And, um, hi?! It’s your face! Take it seriously. You want to be concerned about scale and fit, and make sure that the frames balance out your face. If you’re fair with pale hair, a black frame mig
ht be too severe. Try a tortoise in softer, warmer brown or gold tones. For dark hair, silver is an excellent choice.

  We all know that you can find really cheap sunglasses on the street or at the dollar store. And that can sometimes be appealing because a lot of us tend to lose them, sit on them, whatever, and we don’t want to make a big investment. But I think quality is very important when it comes to sunglasses, so it might be worth it to spend just a little more. Proceed with caution when purchasing sunglasses at a place that also sells hemorrhoid ointment, because we’re talking about your eyes here. Make sure that whatever you buy is UV resistant. If you doubt how important that is, let me just remind you that German shepherds are expensive. So are canes. And just imagine never being able to indulge in the visual pleasure of your next visit to Hooters.

  EYEGLASSES

  In this era of laser eye surgery and disposable contact lenses, don’t forget that glasses can be hot and very sexy. They’re not just for geeks anymore. People do make passes at guys who wear glasses. Trust me.

  When choosing a pair of glasses—or maybe while complaining about how expensive they can be—remember one thing: You should never slap just anything on your face. You’re not welding here, people. You’re going to be walking around all day and night with these glasses on. It’s the one accessory that stays with you all the time, which makes glasses probably the most important thing you have in your wardrobe.

  I trust you’re working with a top-quality optometrist who will ensure the safety of your peepers. Beyond that, glasses are a fashion item, subject to old domestic partner tales à la “Pleated pants will hide my spare tire.” People fall prey to believing things like “I’ll wear glasses with clear frames. They’ll recede from my face and will look like I’m not wearing glasses at all!” Here’s the snafu: The rest of us aren’t blind. We know you’re wearing glasses. And clear frames went out with earth shoes, okay?

  It’s always best to buy a simple frame that flatters you. Avoid any kind of fashion frames. You don’t want to look like Sally Jessy Raphael. There are some classic frames that always look great on everybody—preppy styles and simple wire frames are always good choices. A sleek but still classic option is the rimless frame. A total oxymoron, but doable nonetheless.

  Just like sunglasses, pick your glasses carefully. Do they fit your face? Do they flatter you? Do they balance your look? Are they too big? Too small? Made of good materials? Do they work with your coloring? Do they make your butt look huge?

  As with everything else in your wardrobe, you need to buy new glasses every couple of years or so. You buy new shoes and new clothes from time to time, so why would you keep wearing glasses from 1984? If you can afford it, why not get two pairs? That way you can switch up your look and always keep it fresh.

  I always say you should never shop alone, but that’s particularly true when you’re investing in something as important as eyewear. It can cost hundreds of dollars, and it’s framing your most important feature. Okay, well maybe your second most important. Faces are overrated. Nonetheless you should have someone there to give you a second opinion, because you can’t see everything accurately. Here’s my Mr. Wizard science lesson for today: When you look at something in the mirror, you’re getting a two-dimensional image. But you’re a three-dimensional person, so the way things look in a mirror is not always the way they look to other people. And voilà. That’s where your trusty second opinion comes in.

  BELTS

  I hesitated to even include belts with accessories, lest you underestimate their importance and think of them as optional. Belts are not accessories in the truest sense of that word. Belts are requirements, people. You should probably be wearing a belt about 90 percent of the time. Have at least one for every day of the week—just as long as they don’t say the names of the days of the week on them.

  Why are belts so important? Well, I always like to say that personality starts in the crotch region, and why not draw attention to it by wearing a fantastic belt? Since men wear so few accessories, a belt can say so much about you and add flair to otherwise boring looks. Even if you only have one or two great leather straps, they’re versatile. Change out the buckles, and get that much more use out of them.

  A bad belt, on the other hand, is like a bad pair of shoes—you can spot poor quality a mile a way. If your belt is vinyl or vegetarian leather with a cheap aluminum buckle, people can tell. They notice that you’re not paying attention to detail. They might not even realize it consciously, but in the back of their minds, they’ll see you and think, “Hmmmm. Something just isn’t right here. There’s big trouble in River City.”

  Heather has two mommies ... and you should have two different types of belts: dressy and casual. Generally speaking, skinnier belts are dressier, meant for suits and dressed-up sportswear, while chunkier, thicker belts are for wearing with casual pants—denim, cargo, roughwear, corduroys.

  The belts that you wear with a suit should be sleek and simple. The whole point of wearing a suit is having a sophisticated, luxurious uniform that’s about understatement and elegance. The belt you wear should add to that feeling. This is where you should invest in a couple of great pieces like a crocodile strap and an engine-turned buckle. Diminutive hardware in nickel, sterling, or unpolished brass on a simple leather or alligator strap is always best. These really are investments, so don’t balk at spending a little more for quality. The classic styles don’t change too much with the times, so if you invest in a couple of good ones now, you’ll have them for the rest of your life.

  Is Your Belt Buckle too Big?

  If you look like an Oklahoma state team roping champion, like you’ve won a major prizefight, or if you risk injury when sitting, your buckle is too big.

  TIP

  Fairy Godstylist Carson

  Is your belt always supposed to match your shoes? Well, yes, your belt should match your shoes, but I hate to use absolutes. I don’t think it always has to match exactly. Ideally, they should complement each other. It’s really simple. If you wear a brownish belt, you should wear brownish shoes. Black shoes and a brown belt would obviously be all wrong. You may want to wear a cotton belt or a grosgrain belt. In that case, it’s impossible to match your shoes, unless you’re Imelda Marcos.

  Casual belts are where you can really have fun. There’s a great selection of cool casual belts available in leather, nylon, grosgrain, etc. I love old western belts and buckles or those with cool logos or your name on them. They look fantastic with denim. And you can throw in some whimsical ribbon belts for summer. You can also find cool military-inspired vintage belts at thrift stores, vintage shops, or army surplus stores.

  Just for the record, you may have seen me wear a belt with a pair of pants that did-n’t actually have belt loops—say, sweatpants. That is definitely not for amateurs. Do as I say, not as I do. There are some things Mother just can’t explain.

  SUSPENDERS aka BRACES

  This will be admittedly brief. Who really wears suspenders anymore? The Amish, yes. Really weird people with no lives who attend Mork and Mindy conventions, yes. Most sane people, no.

  I do think suspenders are so cool, though. They look really sophisticated with a suit or a tuxedo. (And by the way—you’re buying that tuxedo, not renting, right? See chapter Nine.) Suspenders should be made of silk, grosgrain, or fine cotton webbing, but they can also be made of braided leather. With a finely tailored suit where the pants are constructed with side tabs and no belt loops, they add a certain Wall Street panache. I think of Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko. Since you don’t see them too often, I think they make for a really special look.

  Suspenders should never be worn with anything else but a suit or a tuxedo. Otherwise it’s way too What’s Happening!! Never wear a belt when you wear suspenders, and for God’s sake, don’t clip them on to jeans.

  BAGS

  Just like all of your other accessories, the bags you use to haul your stuff around in can add a lot of flair and personality to your look
. Here are a few basic bags you shouldn’t be without.

  1. The “man bag” or “murse.” Most guys carry a lot of stuff to and from work, including a laptop and files. You don’t want to carry it around in ShopRite bags or you’ll look like a homeless person. You need a good-looking carryall. Not Kitty Carryall, doll.

  My favorite everyday bag is a suede or leather messenger bag. It has enough room for your laptop, your files, and some other day-to-day necessities. (You probably already have a desk and an office, or cargo pants, so it shouldn’t be too huge. Carrying it shouldn’t give you a herniated disk.) There are also some cool nylon varieties out there by companies like Jack Spade. You just have to be careful with nylon because it can look like it’s from the IBM collection. They make great computers, but they’re not so great with fashion.