If renting is really your only option, you should rent only what I’m about to prescribe: a very classic tuxedo in simple black and white. Don’t let them talk you into the matching lavender cummerbund and bow tie. Before you know you’ll be into show tunes.
So here’s what a classic tux looks like from top to bottom. It’s very, very, very simple. We start with that classic peaked lapel jacket in black, right?
THE TUXEDO SHIRT should be a white shirt with a simple point collar, not a wing tip or you’ll look like a bartender on the Love Boat. Do I even need to say it doesn’t have ruffles?
I also hear that there is a vast conspiracy in the wedding industry to force grooms to wear ivory tux shirts if their brides are wearing ivory dresses, in order to keep those ivory gowns from appearing “dirty” by contrast. And while our friends in the rental tuxedo industry might really have your best interests in mind, this is ridiculous. Black tie is about black and white and no other colors. Period. You are never going to see enough of the shirt to cause a clash, and besides, you’re a bride and groom, not Raggedy Ann and Andy. You’re marrying each other, which is great, but that doesn’t mean you’re in for a lifetime of color coordinating your clothes. [Matching was good for the prom, but for your wedding,] it’s time to move on.
THE STUDS should coordinate with your cuff links. They can be sterling silver, onyx, lapis, or inexpensive silk knots. Studs really finish the whole look off. You don’t want to go too crazy with studs or you’ll look like Liberace. Think simple, demure, understated. No one should be able to see your studs from across the room.
THE TIE: Lately you’ve probably seen lots of celebrities pairing tuxedos with long ties, and that can look very handsome. But for the average guy, keeping it as simple and classic as possible is always the right answer, so I recommend a bow tie with a tux. You’ll just never be wrong.
I’m talking about a black grosgrain bow tie that you’ve tied yourself. A premade bow tie only tells the world of your secret desire to be a catering waiter. It just screams rented. You can wear the most expensive, glorious, custom-made tuxedo, but if you slap on a clip-on bow tie, you might as well tape a sign on your head that says “loser.” Oh, and the tie is black, folks. Colored ties might have worked for your prom, but so did that Flock of Seagulls haircut. Would Cary Grant wear a dusty rose or burgundy bow tie? I think, um, knot.
THE VEST: Personally, I think a vest is unnecessary. It’s not improper, but when we think about tuxedos, we should think about those role models who’ve worn them so well: men like Cary Grant and the cast of Ocean’s Eleven. And that means just a clean, sophisticated tuxedo with white shirt, black tie, and black cummerbund. Any time it gets tricky with vests or whatever, you could very easily look like you’re going to the prom on Beverly Hills, 90210. And we don’t want Shannen Doherty on our bad side, now do we?
THE POCKET SQUARE is white silk. Simple enough.
THE CUMMERBUND, like the tie, is also made of grosgrain, and the pleats go facing up. That’s because they were originally meant to catch crumbs or hold opera tickets. Oh, and by the way? There’s only one b in “cummerbund” people. It’s Cum. Mer. Bund. Now is that so hard to remember? (Isn’t that naughty?)
BRACES: I really like braces with a tux. (And I prefer the British term—braces—which seems more elegant and formal, and refers to something that buttons on the back of your pants.) Since you’re not wearing a belt, if your tuxedo pants don’t fit perfectly, you may want to wear braces. It’s the one part of a tuxedo that you can actually have a little fun with, because braces will often have patterns woven into them, much like a novelty tie. Like wedding food, let’s just hope it’s tasteful.
THE CUFF LINKS should coordinate with the studs. Understated is fine, or you could get nutty and choose larger, more conspicuous cuff links. They could even be a little whimsical: hot and cold water faucets, horseshoes, whatever. Anything but a cartoon character, really.
THE PANTS are flat-front with a stripe down the side made of satin or grosgrain that matches the trim on the lapels. That stripe is known as a satin braid, but it’s not actually a braid. Go figure. It’s one of life’s great mysteries. That and Stonehenge.
THE SOCKS are black silk dress socks. They will feel like women’s panty hose. I know you’ll pretend not to like it. But secretly, inside, you do!
THE SHOES are patent leather lace-up dress shoes. Velvet slippers if you absolutely must. (See chapter one.)
If you go to more than three or four formal events a year, you can have a little fun and switch things up. Maybe you throw in a fun scarf, or different cuff links or sophisticated braces, but this is not for amateurs.
If you have more than one tux, you can throw a white dinner jacket into the mix. They’re stylish and chic, in that very Rock Hudson/Cary Grant/James Dean kind of way. If you really want to be daring, try a colored dinner jacket. I have a beautiful pink tropical-weight wool dinner jacket I wore to the Golden Globes. But for the one-tuxedo guy, black and classic it is. I’m queer, are you clear?
When You Wear Tux
Tuxedos are worn to formal events held after six o’clock in the evening. If you get an invitation for a black tie event before six, send me the names of the hosts. I’ll “shoot ’em an e-mail.” Or I’ll just shoot ’em.
If the invitation says “black tie optional,” you can wear a dark suit with a tie, but you run the risk of looking like somebody’s security detail. Sure, it’s technically proper to wear a suit, but everyone might look at you and wonder, “Who’s the loser who doesn’t own a tuxedo?”
I don’t get “black tie preferred,” either. It’s either black tie or it’s not. Give people some direction, for God’s sake. If black tie is “preferred” and you show up in a dark suit, does that mean you won’t get the best hors d’oeuvres or something?
And if the invitation says “creative black tie,” ugh! Those are three words that need to be eradicated. Black tie is just not a place to get creative. Let’s leave that to Fantasy Thursdays in the privacy of your own bedroom.
Holiday Dressing
My rule on this is simple: Turkeys and hams should dress for the holidays. People shouldn’t.
At holiday time, it’s all about rich colors and rich fabrics like velvets and cashmere. It’s not about blinking reindeer noses and Be-Dazzled candy canes. When in doubt, dress like a normal person at the holidays and not someone on their break from Trudee’s Kraft Korrall.
DRESSING FOR THE SEASON
When it comes to dressing appropriately for the season, there are certain hard and fast (giggle) rules you need to follow. I’ve covered these already, but it can’t hurt to reiterate them. No wearing white after Labor Day. Linen is for spring and summer unless you live in southern California or Florida. You only wear flannel in fall and winter, and I’m talking about gray flannel trousers, not Paul Bunyan flannel work-shirts, which you shouldn’t be wearing ever. Open-toed shoes like sandals and flip-flops are only worn from Memorial Day through Labor Day, please. Seersucker is strictly summer only. And white Cadillacs? Never.
For anything beyond that, it’s simply a question of “are you comfortable?” You shouldn’t be wearing a cashmere turtleneck in August, unless you’re in the southern hemisphere. Global warming notwithstanding, you shouldn’t be wearing Bermuda shorts in Manhattan in the middle of January. That’s just basic common sense, kids.
WHAT COLOR IS YOUR DREAMCATCHER? FINDING YOUR COLORS
I always thought people just “got” it when it came to knowing what colors looked good on them. Until I started dressing clueless straight men for a living. I would say, “Why wouldn’t you wear this color?” And they’d say, “Oh, I don’t know.”
Color is so personal and there is so much out there—just experiment with it. I’m not going to force you to go have your color analysis done. (I’m a summer, by the way.) But it’s really true that there are basic concepts to guide you. Avoid colors of 1970s appliances given away on The Price Is Right—you know, ha
rvest gold and avocado. That should keep you out of trouble. And be especially careful about the colors you put around your face. If you have fair skin and you wear very bright colors, the clothes are going to suck the color right out of you. Looking like you have jaundice is so rarely the right answer.
Here’s a handy guide to get you started on color basics. People with fair skin, light hair, blue eyes, and soft features (You know, cute like me!) look great in soft pastels: pale pink, pale blue, ivory, lavender. We don’t always look good in black. Don’t be afraid of pastels. Remember, wearing pink doesn’t make you gay. And if you have blue eyes, wearing bright blues just intensifies them. It’s the next best thing to getting laid.
If you’re one of our dark and swarthy friends—mmmm my favorite!—and have strong features, you generally look great in strong colors: black, chocolate brown, warm orange, aubergine (That’s French for eggplant!) The darker your skin, the more you can get away with wearing those bright reds and yellows and oranges.
What if you’re stuck in the middle, with mousy brown hair and medium-tone skin? Life’s not so bad, my friend! Put those pills down. You can wear any color under the sun, including those yummy muted earth tones like English khaki, taupe, and my favorite, loden green.
DRESSING FOR YOUR BODY TYPE
Just like finding your colors, dressing for your body type is so very personal. God made you unique, just like everybody else! You have to experiment to see what works best for your body’s proportions and shapes. If you’re shaped like a pear, you’ve got bigger problems than knowing what to wear.
All this mumbo jumbo about what you should do for a round face, square face, etc. is preposterous. Everybody’s shaped differently—like snowflakes! You’re really going to have to experiment. Contrary to what most people say, unless you’re rocking a body like Jabba the Hutt, loose-fitting clothes are rarely the right answer. But you don’t want to look like a human hot dog, either. You just want clothes that fit your body.
One good general rule, though, is that if you’re on the large side, you should wear more subdued colors and patterns. Because when viewing them, your eye doesn’t have a reference point as to scale. If I see a large man wearing a rose print, and I can count at least a hundred roses on his shirt, I know enough to hide my Twinkies. If he’s just wearing black, my eye doesn’t have anything to compare it to, so he’ll look more proportionate and less overwhelming.
“Twisted”
Here are some fun alternatives to old standbys:
Instead of a pocket square, use a faded blue bandanna.
Instead of a sweater under a blazer, try a denim jacket.
Instead of dress shoes with a suit, try a Chelsea boot.
Instead of penny loafers with khakis and a blue blazer, try flip-flops.
CHAPTER 10
Let’s Make Fashion Happen, People! FINDING INSPIRATION . . . AND FINDING GREAT CLOTHES
Attitude—Be Like Winona and Carry It Off
When you’ve finally found your personal style, having the right attitude and confidence will be the cherry on top of the proverbial sundae.
So how do you get there? Well, it helps to be inspired. And that doesn’t mean you have to watch the Style Network twenty-four hours a day or jet off to Milan twice a year for fashion week. (See sidebar, below.) It could mean going to museums, where you might see a painting that has certain colors that appeal to you. You might see the interior of a high-end car—and the leather and piping might inspire you to buy a cool leather jacket. It could mean buying the Italian fashion magazine L’Uomo Vogue once a year, which is the Sports Illustrated of clothing. It could be looking through a book about motorcycles and seeing pictures of authentic motorcycle gear. All those things are inspiring. I’m not saying you’re going to put on a whole head-to-toe motorcycle getup, because you’ll look like some jackass NASCAR mascot. But something you see might inspire you to take your style to the next level, to put it in a new light and really have fun. That, and not the Hokey Pokey, is what it’s all about. It also helps to have a fashion role model who already has it altogether. You know, like me! Start looking around. The world is filled with great sources of fashion inspiration . One great resource is your local Blockbuster. No, not the uniform, silly. Movies are full of men whose style is worth emulating—Cary Grant, James Dean, Steve McQueen, Pierce Brosnan. Rent the original Thomas Crown Affair and see what Steve McQueen could do with a blue blazer. Rent Ocean’s Eleven and see how a tuxedo should be worn. Rent On the Waterfront or Rebel Without a Cause (or Grease !) and see why a classic motorcycle jacket is always the right answer. Rent The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, just for giggles!
A Word of Caution About Fashion Shows
Fashion shows are put on by designers as the height of fantasy and high concept. Just like art shows, they’re meant to showcase signature pieces that make a statement and show a designer’s point of view for that particular season. They’re meant to generate buzz and excitement, not to show you clothes you would actually go to the mall in Peoria to buy.
Here’s a comparison I know you’ll understand: Fashion shows are like auto shows. You don’t go to the auto show expecting that the next week you’re going to buy the $300,000 prototype Bentley Azure you saw. You go there to see what’s out there, to have fun, to be entertained, and most importantly to be inspired. You may not drive off with the Bentley, but you might go and buy the new Toyota Celica, which has some of those elements and features to which you reacted.
So when you see that $3500 cashmere-and-goat-suede jacket in a fashion show or high-end fashion magazine—you know, the one that can only be cleaned with Alaskan Malamute dog urine—it’s not that you’re supposed to buy that exact jacket. But six months later, in H&M, you might find a more palatable, watered-down version of it in faux shearling for $150. The touch, the color, the feel of it might be similarly styled. That, my straight friends, is what we call being inspired. It’s not about fashion. It’s about personal style and about looking good.
Or just go to the record store. Look at Lenny Kravitz or Tim McGraw and see how they pull together a look that works for them. Think about what they’re wearing, why it looks cool, and what about it might inspire you. Once again, I’m not talking about copying an outfit down to the exact number of wrinkles in the socks; I’m talking about using that outfit to spark something, to stir something deep within you. A fashion chubby, if you will.
Some Magazines You Should Check Out . . .
GQ • Details • Esquire • Rolling Stone • Men’s Journal • Cargo • L’Uomo Vogue
News flash: Buying fashion magazines doesn’t make you gay. Wallpapering your bedroom with the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog makes you gay. If you were looking to invest in a new car, you’d go out and buy Motor Trend to get some ideas, wouldn’t you? If you’re going to invest in a suit or a new fall wardrobe, you should do the same thing: Buy yourself a copy of GQ, Esquire, or Cargo. Pay attention to details. Tear out pages with looks that you like. If you’re not confident enough to go out and get them on your own, build a relationship with a salesperson you trust at a store with a good reputation. Bring the salesperson the tear sheets and say, “Do you have something like this?” or “Where can I find this?” and he or she will be happy to help you. That person will want your repeat business and won’t steer you in the wrong direction.
Shopping: Hunting and Fishing for Fashion
The road to fabulosity can be a long and arduous—but ultimately satisfying—journey. It might, however, involve some shopping. And a lot of straight men—egads!—just don’t like to shop.
Why not? In our culture, it’s women, not men, who are taught to do the shopping. They go grocery shopping, they go clothes shopping, and they learn how to navigate the retail landscape of this great land of ours. So they are just more comfortable with it and efficient at it. If you had no idea how to operate a car and were asked to get on I-95, you would be petrified, too.
Shopping is uncharted territ
ory for a lot of men, a place where they feel uneducated. And we all know men don’t like being out of control. It’s straight out of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Men like things to be organized and in order. And nowadays shopping is not organized and well ordered. Department stores are crazy and the Internet is huge. It seems very chaotic, and men don’t like that. They don’t have the vocabulary and the training to articulate what they’re looking for and find it efficiently.
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