Amaranth

by Rachael Wade

  Which question to answer first? Which was safest? “He turned out to treat me ... badly. I didn’t really love him. It was more of an unhealthy attachment. An addictive relationship, I guess you could say.”

  That was the truth. But what was I supposed to do next? Rip my sleeve up my arm and just show her? She knew I went through this with the last guy in Seattle, but this time I’d let it go on for over a year.

  “Well I can understand that, Cam. I mean, you’ve been through a lot. Moving out here all by yourself, after going through everything with your mom and dad, and him ... you needed a friend, someone you could hang out with. Trying to fill a void, you know.”

  Thank you, Dr. Audrey. “Yeah, but I screwed up. I’ve never needed anyone to feel adequate. Not like this. Not until I met him. I wasn’t thinking clearly, I guess. So when he came along, if I wasn’t with him, I felt so empty. But I made a big mistake. One that’s going to take a while to forgive myself for.”

  She reached out, squeezed my shoulder. “Sometimes you get into a relationship, and the person turns out to be no good. It happens. You make it sound like you committed a crime. I can’t imagine anything worse than what you left in Seattle.”

  Dread filled my mind and overwhelmed me. “Seriously, did you change your major to Psych and forget to tell me? You need to go be a counselor, not a cook.” Sarcasm wasn’t working. “I’m just angry with myself. That’s the best I can explain it. When I moved out here, I really believed things were going to be good. That I really would make a new life out here.”

  “Camille,” she began gently. “You dated someone. You thought he was a good guy, but his true colors came through. It just took a little while to see it this time. Happens all the time. You can still start over. It hasn’t even been two years since you’ve moved out here.” She grew quiet, her eyes on something in the distance. For a second it looked as if she was marveling over the beautiful sunset. Then I caught the suspicion in her eyes.

  “We should start heading back,” I said. “It’s almost dark. And I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted. I have to work in the morning.” I stopped walking and turned around to head back to the house.

  “How did he treat you badly, as you put it?”

  The dreaded question. I sighed but kept walking, to force her to follow. “He cut me down all the time, said mean things. He’s really manipulative....”

  She wasn’t following. I turned my head so I could see her, saw the corners of her lips pulled down into a frown. She was still staring off toward the sky, contemplating, but she hadn’t moved. Until she looked toward me without looking me in the eyes, wrapped her arms around her body and hugged herself. I stood there, waiting for her to catch up, but she clearly wasn’t ready to leave. Or finished with me.

  “He must’ve treated you really badly for you to not say a word to me for a whole year.” She took a deep breath and glanced at my arms. “You’re afraid to tell me something. And whatever it is, it is a big deal.”

  I didn’t answer.

  She flailed her arms out to the side, frustrated. “Who is he, Camille? What did he do to you? And please, remember who you’re talking to. I’m your best friend. Don’t insult me.”

  She wrapped her arms around her body again, this time looked directly at me, probably just as reluctant to hear the truth as I was to tell it. Still, I tried to spare us both.

  “Well ... his name’s Andrew. And you’re right. It is bad. The truth is, he’s been very” -- a lump rose in my throat -- “verbally abusive.” I compulsively looked down, blowing my cover, completely committing a liar’s suicide. “I didn’t want to tell you about it because I’m embarrassed, okay? I can’t believe I even put up with it again. But I had a good reason for not telling you. I knew you’d try to talk sense into me. At the time, I wasn’t ready for that. I just wanted to be with him, jerk or not.”

  I looked up as she nodded again, then cocked her head to the side as she looked down at her feet, kicked a pebble to the side of the road. “Awfully hot to be wearing a long-sleeved shirt today, isn’t it? A one-hundred-degree heat index, and you wear a flannel shirt to pick me up this morning?”

  One hot tear slid down my cheek and I nodded, knowing I didn’t need words to confirm her suspicions.

  She stepped closer. “How bad is it? What did he do to you? How long has this been going on?”

  “A while,” I murmured, another tear rolling down my face. I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

  She grabbed my shoulders and shook me like a rag doll, then moved her hands down to my elbows and yanked one sleeve all the way up my arm. I winced.

  “We need to call the police,” she babbled, “they need to see....” She grabbed the other sleeve and yanked it up. “What did that monster do to you? I’ll kill him, I swear I will! We need to go to the police, right now. You can’t let him get away with this.”

  She began to shake me again, as if trying to wake me from a deep sleep, but I pulled away. “Look Audrey, I know. That’s what I need to tell you. You have to listen to me. I know I let him do this, and I need to go to the police. But I just realized it yesterday. That I’m strong enough now. He had me brainwashed for a little while there, but I’ve snapped out of it, I promise.”

  “But how do you know--?”

  “He came to my job yesterday. I completely lost it. I know I have to end this now.” I swallowed, rushing to catch my breath so I could continue. To my surprise, she waited for me. “I was afraid of what he’d do if he ever came after me. Once I broke up with him, let alone if I went to the police. Not to mention what I would even tell the police. It doesn’t look good when you let someone do this to you for a year and not say anything about it. I enabled him. It takes two, that’s what they’ll think. I have a lot of odds against me.” I threw my hands up in the air, exasperated, yet it felt so liberating to let the truth pour out.

  She shook her head. “I get that, Camille. But this happens to plenty of people, and there are ways out, ways to handle this. Fortunately, it’s not like you’re married to the guy.”

  I breathed out a sigh, wiped my face on my sleeve. “Yeah, I know. The thing is ... I’ve tried to break up with him before, and until yesterday, when he came to my job, I hadn’t seen him in over a week.”

  “He came to your job? You said you lost it. What made you change your mind to finally do something about it?”

  “I don’t know, really. I was just so disappointed. I guess I thought he really let me break up with him this time. Then here he shows up at my job, telling me he’s picking me up next weekend, and I just cracked.” The humid heat was smothering me; I shrugged off the flannel shirt and rubbed my upper arms, examining the black and blue marks sprawled across them. “Him showing his face yesterday was some kind of wakeup call. I just hate that it happened the day before you came.”

  Her eyes sparked with hope. “You weren’t lying when you said you’ve snapped out of it. Thank God, the real Camille is still in there, I can tell.” Her eyes appraised me. She gently rubbed one of the bruises. “Do they hurt badly?”

  “They’re okay.”

  Her nostrils flared and she closed her eyes, pressed her fingers against her temples. “We have to turn him in now. Before he shows his face at the house. I can’t be held responsible for what I’d do to him.”

  I put up my hand to stop her from saying anything more. “He’s more of a threat to you than you’d be to him, Audrey.” I gestured to my arm. “He’s dangerous when he wants to be.”

  And then I explained my plan, the one I rehearsed in my head on the way to pick her up this morning.

  Horror washed over her face. “Absolutely not, I--”

  “He won’t come around while you’re here,” I said quickly. “I don’t think, anyway. We can enjoy these two weeks together, and you can trust me to call the police after you leave.”

  “There is no way in hell I’m going to get on that plane and leave you here with him, are you crazy...?”

  My hope
that she would remain calm ended. She started yelling like she was talking to an inanimate object who couldn’t understand her. From there, we went around in circles while full darkness fell around us. With us both exhausted, we came to a compromise: To keep from ruining the next two weeks, she would let me wait until she left to go to the police.

  “But I cannot sit here while you go out with him,” she added. “You cancel the date. If he shows up anyway, I’ll be here.”

  I feared saying no to him would put Audrey in danger, especially since I had no guarantee the protection spell would work. I said, “He’s so unpredictable, I doubt the date will even happen. But if I can’t cancel it, if he shows up--”

  “Nope. That’s part of my compromise. Tell him you won’t go out with him and stick with it, and I won’t bother you the rest of the time I’m here about going to the police. If he shows up angry, then I’ll call the cops. I’ll be a witness that way. He’ll be turned in, and you’ll have no date to worry about.”

  And that was that. She refused to let me go on the date, if it happened, to protect her. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “Agreed.”

  “Okay. Let’s get back to the house. It’s so dark out here I can barely see a thing,” she locked arms with me to walk toward the house, “and I’m creeped out now, talking about this guy. It’s going to be all right, Cam. Admitting you have a problem is the first step, remember?” With a tight smile, she nudged me into a walk.

  “I think I’m past the first step, aren’t I?” I said. “I’m about to kick him to the curb and ban him from my life.”

  Her face grew serious again. “He’s never going to put his hands on you again. We’ll make sure of that. You’ll pick up right where you left off when you moved here. A little banged up, some wounds to heal. No pun intended. Although I still can’t believe I’m agreeing to wait.”

  “It’s not your burden to bear, Audrey,” I said. “It’s my problem. I got myself into it and I’d like to get myself out of it. Preferably not while you’re here on vacation.”

  “Please. My vacation is hardly priority at the moment. I’m just glad I came when I did. I can’t imagine if ...” She glanced at me and I nodded to show her I understood.

  Another good part of living in the country is being able to really see the night sky. I looked up to a panorama of winking crystal stars against the inky-black backdrop. Despite her worries about me, Audrey’s words encouraged me, confirming that yesterday’s epiphany still applied today. Talking about it with her after making the decision to rid myself of this toxic relationship for good was the beginning.

  I gave her arm a squeeze as we approached my front door. “Seriously, thank you for doing this. For your help.” I unlocked the door and held it open, to let her in first. But she didn’t go inside.

  “I know you’re completely blind to it,” she said, “but believe me when I say you don’t need anyone to help you. You don’t know your own strength, Cam. Truth is, you would’ve made it out of this mess with or without me here, or anyone else. And that absolutely astounds me.” She winked. “I admire you, Camille Hart. I always have.”

  For what I’d done to deserve an angel like this, I hadn’t the faintest idea. Tonight, the stars could surely feel my heart radiating in gratitude. But I also knew that her faith in me alone might not be enough to protect us both. We headed inside and I excused myself to the bathroom, where my stash of Hoodoo supplies waited.

  CHAPTER 4

  Birth

  I’m sure I looked like a madwoman, speeding into the bookstore parking lot twenty minutes late, slamming on my brakes while I did a check in the rearview mirror to make sure I’d brushed my hair well enough. Audrey and I ended up talking and intermittently watching chick flicks until almost three this morning. I dashed inside, expecting Carol to sing her typical morning lecture to me, throwing in a disciplinary tirade as well. Fortunately the store was pretty empty, with the exception of two teen girls hanging out in the teenybopper magazine section, pining over the latest celebrity heartthrob, some Pattinson guy. I couldn’t keep up with all of the new actors. The only one I ever paid any attention to was Johnny Depp. But apparently, this Pattinson guy was all the rage.

  I flew behind the counter to clock in, and to my delight, Carol looked at me sweetly and said, “How are you feeling this morning, Camille? Don’t worry about being late this morning, you’re normally very punctual. Please just try and stay a little late today to pick up the slack, all right?”

  “Um ... sure, okay, no problem,” I replied. Maybe the spell I tried last night protected me in more ways than one. “I’m doing okay, thanks for asking. Sorry I’m late.”

  “And oh, make sure the new release table is replenished. You saw how fast they were selling yesterday, my goodness. After that, just work on organizing the fiction sections, as usual.”

  She started to head toward the self-help section, but stopped, swung around and headed back to the counter. She grabbed a stack of books and shuffled them across the counter toward me. “Ooops, almost forgot. Here are a few returns you can put back.” Smiling, she adjusted her obnoxious glasses and moseyed on over to the self-help section, humming some Mary Poppins song along the way. It was way too early for that.

  I glanced at my watch while I walked from aisle to aisle, placing books in their proper places. Each time I placed one on a shelf, I found myself longing for the workday to be over. I didn’t regret the late night, but my mind and body were. But as long as there was no sign of Andrew, that was all that mattered today. Holding the last returned book, I went onto tiptoe for the tallest row on the shelf. My short stature wasn’t cooperating. I wandered around the rows of books, peeking through them, looking for our stepladder, but didn’t see it. I did see Gina at the counter. “Gina, seen our ladder this morning?” I called out.

  “Nope, try the back,” she answered, sounding as tired as I felt.

  I headed toward the back of the store, feeling my feet grow heavier on the way to the last aisle before the stockroom entrance. The lack of customers and soft elevator music weren’t helping my effort to stay awake. While I’m in the back, maybe I’ll throw some coffee on. Yes. Caffeine is goooood--

  The black flash came into my side vision, moving swiftly toward the aisle before it. I watched the blur blow past the next few shelves, on its way toward the front of the store. I spun around, scanned the trail the blur had left behind while goosebumps sprang up on the back of my neck. In confusion, I wandered past the next three aisles, peering down each one, searching for the figure in black. I saw nothing.

  Biting my lip, I gently pressed one of my bruises, winced. Definitely awake, absolutely not hallucinating.

  A surge of panic hit me as the realization did. Was he here again? Didn’t the spell have any effect at all? Considering his narcissistic persona, it wouldn’t surprise me if he dropped in for another visit. Anything to make himself feel more powerful.

  Feeling paranoia deepen, I stormed past each aisle, investigating each one again. If he were here, I’d confront him. As much as I wanted to avoid any conflict with him until Audrey left, I couldn’t allow him to just come to my job and spy on me. Plus, if this round of Hoodoo didn’t work, Vivienne and I were going to have a chat.

  I found no one in the rows. The terror started to subside, my newfound strength replacing it. I figured if he was here, maybe Carol saw him come in and would have checked on me, remaining loyal to her intrusive nature.

  At the front of the store, the pining teenagers were ready to purchase their gossip magazines. Whispering and smiling giddily to one another, they peeked at the shelf next to me, near the front counter where I now stood. I slowly ducked my head around the corner of the shelf in question to see they’d been staring at a man in black. He sported a vintage Led Zeppelin t-shirt over gray-washed jeans, worn combat-style boots on his feet. He stood quietly, flipping through a paperback. I pulled my head back a little, standing parallel to the side of the shelf wall to stay out
of sight, but kept my gaze on him. Tall, dark and handsome. No wonder the teenyboppers can’t stop gawking. But it was more than his appearance. There was some sort of unearthly aura around him, a physical glow that the fluorescent lights above the row couldn’t explain.

  It wasn’t Andrew though, and I felt my pulse resume a normal beat at the realization. I stared at him another minute, trying to make sense of my fascination with him aside from his obvious good looks. While he scanned the shelf in front of him, he stopped to skim through a few more pages of his book. There was something engaging about his sharp, inquisitive movements, so quiet, so ... ethereal. Sleep deprivation making me more sensitive, possibly. But the dark figure somehow lit up the old shabby bookstore, illuminating the worn cherry wood bookshelves and the grotesque green carpet that looked even more pathetic under the delicate glow. There was also something oddly familiar about him, but I was certain I’d never forget someone as stunning as he was. He didn’t look like everyone else.

  He shifted his body’s weight toward the end of the aisle where I stood, peeking slyly off to the side. His wandering eyes told me I was busted. Thinking, Might as well ease the awkwardness, I stepped out of hibernation. “Can I help you find anything, sir?”

  He tilted his head toward me, looking surprised that I spoke to him. “Do I look old enough to be called sir?”

  “Um, guess not, sorry. Just figured I’d ask.”

  “Just messing with you,” he said, relaxing his stance. “I don’t need help. Thank you, though.” He lifted the paperback in his hand, showing me his new find, but looked down as soon as our eyes made contact, smirking as if he’d heard some funny inside joke. Apparently, I missed it.

  “Okay, then,” I said. “If you need help with something, just let me know.” I turned to walk away, but felt him lift his eyes to my back, freezing me in place.

  He was too familiar. It was beginning to annoy me. I turned around and said, “Hey, do I know you?” at the same instant he said, “Is there a reason you’ve been watching me?”