Critically Acclaimed

by J. Ryan Stradal

  As you might expect, I watched The Middle Man while seated. But I wasn’t sitting in a straight-backed chair or on a rough-hewn bench, I can tell you that! No, here’s where The Middle Man really delivered, with plush, oversize seats that actually reclined. Fear not, penny-pinchers: the fold-down armrests are included in the price of the ticket!

  A word of warning: the theater is quite dark. It’s much darker than the average person keeps their living room, even when viewing films at home, and it’s certainly much darker than pretty much any other commonly frequented public space. Be advised to move safely around the theater and to keep aisles clear at all times.

  Now I know what you’re thinking—she’s raved about the screens, the curtains, the seats (and did I mention they have snacks?!) but what about the film itself? Readers, I’m glad you asked. The Middle Man was simply astounding. The sparkling dialogue alone was more than worth the price of admission. I don’t know about you, but whenever I have conversations with my friends, there are plenty of “likes” and “ums” and awkward pauses, and most of the time even when we do get the words out right, all we’re really saying is boring stuff about our jobs and our insurance premiums and what is or is not affecting our seasonal allergies. But pretty much every word that was said by any character in The Middle Man was clever and important, and delivered so clearly, too, just incredibly sharp and witty and well-enunciated. Whenever anyone insulted someone else, or made a sexual innuendo or a veiled threat, the other person would immediately respond with something just completely apropos and off-the-cuff. I wish my friends were like that!

  And, while it may be unprofessional to say so, may I add that the actors delivering the lines were all very good-looking? Sure, sometimes they might have appeared disheveled or drunken or bloodied or dead, but even then, they were somehow still quite good-looking. I know it sounds unrealistic, but somehow, when it’s on that giant screen, you totally buy it.

  But trust me, The Middle Man is not all talk—it’s also nonstop action! Do you know how in your daily life, a lot of things just sort of happen but don’t really lead anywhere? Like, maybe you meet your future wife, and you fall in love, and you get married, but in between you also buy a bird and get your oil changed and have strep throat and watch Hoarders? The Middle Man is nothing like that. Every single scene is a meaningful part of the main character’s life, from graduating law school to finding his fiancée mysteriously poisoned to hijacking a chartered plane. Even things that seem sort of trivial and meaningless at first, like the main character stopping to give a dollar to a panhandler on the subway platform—spoiler alert!—turns out to have an important meaning in the end. There’s also music playing all the time, which sounds distracting but it isn’t—in fact, the mood of the music perfectly complements the mood of the scene.

  And the sound! It’s very loud, but also very clear, like sitting inside a giant silver bell.

  In conclusion, The Middle Man is a can’t-miss film. The only thing that could possibly have made it better would be if it were somehow possible to view it with an additional dimension, but of course, that would be absurd.

  Directed by Michael Bay. Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, Channing Tatum, Jessica Alba, and Tyrese Gibson.

  Let me just start this review by saying WOW. I mean WOW!!! I had heard a lot of hype about this movie, mostly from Gavin, my sister’s husband, who’s rad to the max and drives a Porsche his work gave him, so I was pretty worried there was no way for this movie to live up to all these expectations! But guess what?? If you’re talking the recipe for a perfect blockbuster, amigo, you’ve found it! There’s hot chicks, cars, explosions, hot chicks, bad guys, and did I mention the hot chicks??? I had no idea it was going to be so good, and now I am kicking myself for not splurging on the Blu-ray right away, but honestly I don’t mind having two copies of this movie because you can never have too much awesome. I literally got on Amazon the minute it was over to try and preorder the 3-D version—it is that good. And it’s like, you would think that you can’t make eight movies about the same thing and have them be cool as hell the whole time, but you would be WRONG, muchacho.

  I gotta admit, at first I was a little bit confused between all the male characters, The Rock, Willis, Vin Diesel, and Channing Tatum, because they are all real swole kickass dudes who are bald. But I rewound a bunch of times and I think I get it now. Basically, they are a crew of badass guys who are super-close like brothers even though they all have their own thing, like Bruce Willis is like an old Army guy, and Vin Diesel loves grapes, and The Rock is like secretly a painter and he’s super good, and Channing has a huge dick. And they are all just living their lives until crime boss Tyrese does something to one of their cars, or Jessica Alba, I don’t remember exactly because like RIGHT AWAY The Rock or Vin Diesel drives this sweet cherried-out Lambo INTO ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING LAMBO, BOOM!!! I know. I literally couldn’t believe how pumped I was after that stunt!! And that’s just the beginning.

  Because Tyrese hires a bunch of Chinese gangsters, one of whom is Harold or Kumar, whichever the Chinese one is, to kidnap Jessica Alba, who is married to The Rock or Bruce Willis or she is one of their daughters or something, I think maybe like one is her dad, but the other one is her husband, anyway. The next thing you know we’re in Mexico and I guess Tyrese has like a cocaine farm there, and so BOOM all the bros jump out of a helicopter to land in Tyrese’s cocaine field even though Channing or The Rock is real skeptical his wife/daughter is there and thinks it’s a setup, but Vin Diesel is all like cracking super tough jokes and eating grapes so you feel like it’s gonna be okay, then as they jump out, THE HELICOPTER CRASHES INTO THREE OTHER HELICOPTERS that Tyrese has circling the island of Mexico and shooting at the bros. Then, those helicopters explode, AND THE BLADE FROM ONE CUTS KUMAR OR HAROLD’S HEAD OFF and the second helicopter CRASHES INTO A MEXICAN VOLCANO which totally explodes lava and you see it DESTROY A WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING VILLAGE. At this point I switched to Diet Mountain Dew because for serious, my heart could not take the action!!

  So even though the bros are like crazy tight, they still have disagreements, especially The Rock and Vin Diesel. The Rock is maybe the toughest of all the dudes, like if you’re going bicep circumference or just overall swoleness or best tats, so he keeps how kickass he is at painting on the DL, and Vin Diesel starts accusing him of keeping secrets, and challenges him for leadership of the bros. Right away you can feel The Rock is mad ferosh in his role. Oooh man, I almost wanted to shout to Vin Diesel, don’t do it, dude!! Don’t get him mad!!!! But at the same time I’m like DO IT, THIS SHOWDOWN IS GONNA BE SO EPIC!!

  Dudes, I don’t wanna ruin anything for you, but guess what, THE FIGHT WAS SOOO BRUTAL!! It was like, FISTS, MOUTH, HEADLOCK, GUT PUNCHES, GETTING THROWN OFF A TOWER INTO THE MEXICAN OCEAN, UNDERWATER FIGHT WITH KNIVES, LEG SWEEPS, HEAD BUTTS, GETTING THROWN OFF A TALLER TOWER, GRENADE FIGHT, INSULTS ABOUT EACH OTHER’S BALLS, SCRATCHING, LASER FIGHT, USING HEAD AS BONGO DRUM, BLEEDING, COMING TO A REASONABLE RESOLUTION THROUGH THE WISE WORDS OF ARMY DUDE BRUCE WILLIS AND SEXY DANCING OF CHANNING TATUM. I mean, CLASSIC!! The bros make up and The Rock finally tells Vin about his painting and Vin of course doesn’t make fun of him, how could The Rock ever think that, they are super-tight bros.

  Oh so the thing I forgot was, Tyrese has Jessica Alba all pretending to be his girlfriend in this crazy awesome silver bikini and her boobs look HUUGE, like way bigger than in Fantastic Four, maybe cause she had a baby since then, whatever, the point is she looks crazy hot, I almost licked my TV lol sue me I’m a guy ;). So anyway Tyrese is basically screwing with the heads of the bros by like making Jessica Alba act like his girlfriend and like serve them drinks and wings and shit in that dope bikini while Tyrese is all kissing on her, to get The Dees and The Rock all heated and lose focus on their mission because COME ON it’s their wife/daughter, and that shit is NOT cool. I was pretty surprised by Tyrese’s performance, I thought he was just another
bald ripped dude who looked great but he was legit creepy in this role and made me mad and Jessica Alba isn’t even my wife/daughter, that’s REAL acting, for all those haters out there. So the two bros are getting pretty pissed at Tyrese, and BAM they fall into his trap and suddenly there’s SYLVESTER MOTHERFUCKING STALLONE!!!

  At this point in the review if you shit yourself, it’s totally understandable and no one would even blame you because WHAT A RAD SURPRISE. And he is just beating the bejesus out of the bros and it honestly seems like they aren’t fighting back that much because HE IS A GODDAMN LEGEND LET HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS. They are definitely gonna lose with that kind of attitude because Stallone is a BEAST and he’s aged really good like wine and Jessica Alba looks pretty worried because obviously who wants to screw Tyrese with his rapey eyes in this movie. BUT THEN out of nowhere, Bruce Willis and The Tate BURST THROUGH THE CEILING ON PARACHUTES and just surprise take down Tyrese and Stallone, who barely loses because he is awesome.

  And Jessica Alba is so psyched she’s not gonna get raped she totally frenches Diesel or Rock, whichever one is not her dad and then everyone drives Hummers into the sunset and they play Kid Rock AND I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS THRILL RIDE IS OVER.

  The bottom line is I’m gonna miss all of the bros, Vin, B-Willy, Rocktacular, The Chan-Chan Man, the whole crew, but I will be forever thankful for the powerful memories, and also I have this movie in regular and Blu-ray and soon 3-D and I hear they’re making BB 9 soon!!! Obviously, I highly recommend it, unless you’re a total moron who read this and still doesn’t want to see it, YOU ARE NOT WORTHY, IDIOT. Hope the rest of you guys love it like me, peace.

  Directed by Martin Scorsese. Written by Aaron Sorkin. Starring: Johnny Depp, Bradley Cooper, Amy Adams, Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Mark Wahlberg, Jeremy Renner, Ryan Gosling, Alec Baldwin, Matthew McConaughey, Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, Ryan Reynolds, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, etc., Mike Tyson, Ted. Executive Producers: All of the above.

  So, is Martin Scorsese’s follow-up to The Wolf of Wall Street another indictment of the culture of excess or is it just another glorification of it? Well, that probably depends on whom you ask.

  Walt Disney’s 101 One-Percenters, a darkly humorous, often sophomoric take-off of the classic animated feature Walt Disney’s 101 Dalmatians, stars every actor you’ve seen in every movie every year for the last twenty years. All the actors in this film, with few exceptions, are white, male, and in the guise of the lovable black-and-white spotted puppies. Yes, even roles usually reserved for animated canines are now physically being taken up by the wealthiest one percent of Hollywood heavyweights.

  Johnny Depp lends his androgynously attractive features to yet another character role, this time the evil kidnapress Cruella de Vil. Once again, Depp infuses his character with the physical spasms of not a Rolling Stone but another rock legend: David Bowie. While this source of inspiration seems to work in certain scenes, in others, Depp comes off more like Rocky Horror’s Dr. Frank N. Furter than Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust.

  Roger and Anita, the human father and mother figures to all the puppies, are played by Bradley Cooper and Amy Adams. Mr. Cooper continues to demonstrate his dramatic as well as comedic range despite certain distractions: namely, Robert De Niro. While it is on one level a real treat to see De Niro finally reunited with his longtime collaborator Mr. Scorsese, it is, at the same time, disturbing to see him involved in yet another Bradley Cooper vehicle. This troublesome sign is reinforced in several of their scenes together, as De Niro’s canine character seems unable to control his urge to hump Cooper’s leg whenever they’re in the same shot. With this film under his belt, De Niro may have finally taken the crown from Michael Caine for never seeing a script he did not like. (Note: Perhaps in fear of his reputation being threatened, Mr. Caine has reportedly signed on as the butler for this movie’s sequel, Lee Daniels’ 101 One-Percenters and Their Butler.)

  In another f-you to struggling actors everywhere who can never find enough roles to support an adequate living, Cruella’s two henchmen are played by Ted (of Ted fame) and former heavyweight boxing champ turned stage thespian Mike Tyson. While this casting decision of pairing a stuffed animal with a convicted rapist might seem silly, and even repugnant to some audiences, it is hard to deny the dramatic intensity Tyson brings to the table whenever he chews off a hunk of Ted’s ear or shoves him into the front of his trousers for firing insults at him regarding his genitalia. In fact, by the time all the puppies are rescued from the two thugs, Ted, no longer seen on screen, is only heard muttering “fuck,” “shit,” and “asshole,” underneath Tyson’s underpants.

  For a reason never fully explained, the puppy played by Matthew McConaughey sits in the corner of the room for the whole film, pounding his chest awkwardly, refusing to eat, and wondering why the other puppies in the room find him utterly annoying.

  Speaking of annoying, Adam Sandler, who also plays one of the puppies, strums the folk guitar and makes weird and irritating noises with his mouth in every scene until Mark Wahlberg’s tough-guy enforcer puppy, already bitter that he didn’t get to keep the talking stuffed animal who had kidnapped him and his siblings, grabs his guitar from him and bashes him over the head with it, causing Sandler’s character (further?) severe brain damage. Wahlberg’s puppy gets sent to a canine juvenile detention center for this, but then is offered probation in exchange for promising to no longer wear oversize pants that droop below his buttocks or wear a baseball cap turned to the side of his head. As the judge enforcing these conditions reminds him: “After all, your last name is Wahlberg.”

  Morgan Freeman shines as narrator of yet another film. However, there have been reports that he was cast in this role only after Samuel L. Jackson turned it down, thus altering the film’s title to Walt Disney’s 101 One-Percenters from the original Walt Disney’s Where the F**k Are My Dalmatians?

  Another aspect of the film that may help or hurt its prospects is its graphic depictions of behavioral decadence. While some audiences might enjoy the vicarious indulgence of sex, drugs, and ripping people off, others might wonder how many Kibbles ’n Bits a dog has to snort off another dog’s butt crack until enough is enough already.

  Also noteworthy about this project is Scorsese’s decision to move the London setting of the film’s predecessor to Lower Manhattan, consistent with his and Hollywood’s own history of only shooting in New York City or Los Angeles even when it is entirely unnecessary and exorbitantly expensive to do so.

  With a star-studded cast so large, one would probably wonder how the sequence of actor credits would be determined. Lucky for everyone’s ego in this film, this endeavor was successfully avoided: instead of being put in order of fame or celebrity, the names of the actors appear at the beginning and end of the film in a word cloud, with no one’s name appearing larger than that of another. That said, there have been unconfirmed reports that George Clooney (who plays Pong, the father of the Dalmatian litter) snuck into Thelma Schoonmaker’s editing bay when she was not present and saw to it that his name appeared a half-millimeter larger than all the other names, in order to assure himself that he is, after all, the top dog.

  Despite the humungous cast, each one of the one hundred and one A-name stars was still paid their usual $5 to $25 million in compensation before any residuals. This will ensure that the Disney studio will have a justifiable excuse to not pay any crew members, production assistants, or no-name actors a reasonable compensation in the months and years ahead. Disney executives and all the actor-executive producers involved in this film are said to believe their spending on the next private jet or residential compound will eventually trickle down to all the wannabe Hollywood stars and filmmakers who are right now waiting tables—or at least enough so that it will pay for the gas or the subway fare to make it to their next audition, anywa
y.

  In a perhaps revealing grand finale, as the closing word clouds rumble in, the entire cast gets in the faces of all the aspiring actors at the Actors Studio who are overwhelmed with student loans, and flips them the bird—everyone in the cast except Alec Baldwin, that is, who almost indiscernibly mutters “cock-sucking maggots” under his breath while inexplicably moving his arms like John McCain.

  Then Scorsese hurls a Golden Globe off screen, and all those top dogs go chasing after it.

  Directed by Kevin Nealon. Produced by Rob Reiner. Written by W. P. Kinsella. Starring: Zach Galifianakis, Andy Samberg, Keanu Reeves, Jason Biggs, Dwayne Johnson, and Ashton Kutcher.

  “We know we’re better than this, but we can’t prove it.”—Tony Gwynn

  The 1899 Cleveland Spiders were terrible. They lost 101 games—on the road. (Considering that current major league baseball teams play 81 games at home and 81 games on the road, this is a record that will likely never be threatened.) They played in a 9,000-seat stadium, yet drew only 6,088 fans—the entire season. Their 20-134 record remains the worst record in major league baseball history. They were so bad, in fact, that they were relegated to the minor leagues the following season. They were not, however, the 1989 New York Cleetz.