Courage Is the Price

by Lynn E. O'Connacht

  But Priti says ‘yes’ and that helps a little and they exchange contact details. Rue has to admit she rarely uses hers for anything, has never had a need to use them, and she’ll be slow and forgetful about it. Probably. Priti is the one to suggest that maybe they should meet up some time over the long holiday if Rue can find some less expensive clothes to go wandering in. It’s only her tracksuit, though. The suggestion of better shoes Rue accepts, though the reminder makes her feel utterly cold. She should give the shoes back the next time they meet. She isn’t convinced the boots have helped against any blisters forming and she’s still going to take a very long shower, but… Well, a great excuse to visit a potential friend is a great excuse. Mrs Krombel is going to be delighted.

  After she’s found Ghost. That’s what Rue plans to spend tomorrow doing. Find her actual friend. She’s awkward in her goodbyes to Priti because she’s never said any before. Not in any way that wasn’t scripted by society, at least. Rue shuffles with her feet and twiddles her thumbs and mumbles and she has no idea why Priti agreed to share their details or wants anything at all to do with her. Priti waves at her from the street and vanishes from view. Rue stands on the path beside the daffodils for a long time, trying to no avail to will Ghost beside her and discuss what just happened, before she manages to convince herself to move and start on the way home. She can find it from here.

  15

  IT IS NOT often that Rue finds herself the centre of attention. It is, indeed, one of her goals in life to be out of it as much as is humanly possible. But when she arrives in the hallway, intent on sneaking into her room and prepare for supper, she is met by three angry faces.

  At least she has hidden the boots outside where no gardener is scheduled to come for a while and she’s put on her torn slippers before coming back inside. Her mother’s face is bright red and she looks like an angry teakettle about to explode. Mrs Krombel is wringing her hands. Her father… Rue cannot read him, but presumably he’s just as angry as the women in her life. His hands are held behind his back and he stands stiffly straight, like a pillar. Ghost would be trying to see if she could knock him over, non-corporeal ghostliness or not.

  Rue almost giggles nervously. Her friend isn’t there and she’s being stared at by three pairs of eyes without anyone saying a word. Rue squirms a little, but she stays where she is. She doesn’t want to know what might happen if she bolts and, certainly, Ghost would have advised her to stay and deal with the issue now instead of putting it off until later and making it worse.

  If only her friend were here. The waiting would be bearable if Rue weren’t alone, if she could explain, somehow.

  And then her mother is wailing, a high-pitched grating sound that makes everyone else wince. Rue’s father puts a hand on Amaranth’s arm, and Mrs Krombel clenches her fists. Rue tries to block the crying out by focusing on how very still she is standing. It takes surprisingly little time for her father to soothe Amaranth with little touches and murmured words. Just another way to show Rue what a disappointment she is, undoubtedly. It still hurts.

  Her father keeps hold of her mother’s hand as he turns to face Rue again. “What were you thinking?” he asks, and Rue wonders whether that tremor in his voice is anger, relief or fear. Apart from the quaver, his voice is freezing. Rue does her best to listen as he talks about the duty she has to her family, the cost of buying new clothes. She makes herself as small as possible, to fade into the shadows entirely.

  Bolting entirely is so tempting. Her throat is dry and she dares not wipe her hands on her tracksuit, nor ball them into a fist. Rue imagines that Ghost is standing behind her father, mimicking him, imagines her friend right there and everything normal so she could at least manage to look at her father. But it only makes matters worse because she’s reminded of the lack.

  With a jolt, Rue realises that her father is grounding her. Her head jerks up when she registers the words, but she quickly drops it back down again when her father falls silent. Amaranth doesn’t say a word and Mrs Krombel is quick to start scolding. In some ways, those words are easier to take. They’re softer, less harsh. Rue knows that Mrs Krombel worries for her and not, as her father is, for the girl he’s never wanted. In other ways, the words are harder because while Rue has never wished to hurt Mrs Krombel she clearly has. And she’ll have to do it again because she must, she must, go out to find her friend. No matter how many rules she breaks.

  For a moment, Rue considers making a scene, throwing a tantrum like her mother. But that would not be like her, and it would undoubtedly make matters worse. So she meekly answers ‘yes’ when she’s supposed to and slinks to her room when she is dismissed, her mind already trying to figure out how to sneak out of the house tomorrow. It sends nervous jitters through her stomach, but she will find a way.

  Ghost needs her.

  16

  LATER THAT EVENING, after the lonely supper she has been sentenced to in her room, Rue decides to call Priti. Though Rue has been grounded and banned from much of the network (no entertainment for her), she is still allowed to make calls if they are short. No one told her how short, which worries her. What if she gets cut off in the middle of a sentence? She really, really wants to call Priti, though. Rue isn’t sure what she wants to say, but she wants to say something.

  Priti doesn’t have a vid-phone of her own, and she doesn’t like using the house’s. She’d explained that to Rue before they parted. It sounded similar to the way sun storms scare Rue, so she thinks she can understand. Rue doesn’t mind, anyway. She thinks she’d prefer a voice-only call as well. Ghost would no doubt prod her in the side and call her a silly goose for it, but Rue hopes that, if she can’t see someone’s reaction, it’ll make talking to them easier. It is worth trying, anyway. She’d actually opt for the truly old-fashioned texting, but that would undoubtedly run afoul the security protocols designed to keep her stuck in her room.

  If it had been any other day and any other reason, Rue would not have minded in the least. She – She could have avoided quite a few parties this way, she realises. If only she’d had the idea sooner… But she didn’t and Priti’s mother has answered and Rue’s throat goes entirely dry. She doesn’t even know when she dialled.

  “H-hello,” she tries. She’s used to vid-phones. More used to them than this at least. “I’d like… like to… s-speak to Priti. Please.”

  Priti’s mother sounds delighted. She even remembers Rue, which surprises her. Rue is not at all used to being remembered. Though, of course, she did not make the best of impressions. That stands out to people. If Ghost had been home, fine, Rue wouldn’t have needed to call. But Priti’s mother has made no comment, only called for her daughter. Rue tells her heart to stop beating its way out of her chest. She has not been forbidden to call, but how long does she have? Nothing to fear, nothing to fear. Nothing.

  When she hears Priti’s voice on the phone, it sounds sleepy and Rue barely manages to say ‘hi’ again. Did she disturb a nap? Surely Priti’s mother would not have woken her for Rue’s sake… She licks her lips, but it doesn’t help. Her mouth is just too dry.

  “What are you calling about?” Priti asks. “Did you get home all right?”

  Rue nods, remembers that Priti can’t see, and croaks ‘yes’. And then, before she can stop herself, before she can even think, she is telling Priti about being grounded and how she’d wanted to go out the next day. See the world. Find people. (Find who? But Rue lets that one slide like she didn’t hear it because by now she’s babbling about her day, looking around and getting lost and never never never wanted to be in such a situation even again. Ever.)

  Rue talks and talks until her whole voice feels gone. Her throat is so parched it hurts and she doesn’t know what Priti has said because she was, still is, scared and her only friend is gone and she has no one to talk to, though now she has no voice to tell Priti that.

  To Rue’s relief, she has not been cut off and Priti has not hung up. She hadn’t even know she was afraid of that until s
he realises it has not happened, but she’s clinging to the arms of her chair so tightly she’s amazed she hasn’t snapped the wood in two yet.

  “I’m visiting tomorrow,” Priti says. Rue is stunned. “We’ll say it’s school work we’re supposed to do in our vacation.”

  Rue nods, mute, though she knows Priti cannot see her. It doesn’t seem to matter. Priti is filling the air with plans and suggestions on how they’ll convince Rue’s parents — Mrs Krombel, Rue interjects — that Priti is visiting on a school assignment. Priti even has an idea that she claims will get Rue out of being grounded, but she won’t tell Rue what it is right now. There is laughter in Priti’s voice, however, and something squeezing Rue’s throat tight. How long can the call last?

  She’s afraid to get up to get a glass of water, but she has to. She has to see if it’ll coax words out of her throat again. Letting Priti’s babbling wash over her, Rue gets up to fetch something to drink. The carpet is oddly ticklish under her feet. The water, icy cold, helps enough for her to be able to give Priti directions to her house from the park as well as the proper visitors’ codes to enter into the panel. That is good. Very good. Rue manages to get all the information to Priti and to settle on a time before the network cuts the call short.

  Rue hasn’t even been able to wish Priti goodnight. She’s always wished Ghost goodnight, always had someone to say goodnight to. Rue tries not to think about why Priti is visiting or how she’s going to look for Ghost when she has company. She’s never had a visitor before! And she can’t even share what’s bothering her. She barely knows Priti.

  She’ll have to find a way to distract Amaranth. Her mother would wrinkle her perfectly-shaped, pink nose and lock the gate forever, no doubt, fearing Priti little more than a thief. Rue feels guilty for wondering, even just for a moment, whether Amaranth might have a point. Ghost would throw a pillow at her and tell her to stop being a fool and the thought makes Rue cry. Her friend isn’t there. Her friend is outside, somewhere, and she’s stuck.

  If she dared, she’d call Priti back and cancel. Figure out a way to leave the grounds on her own. She could do it once. She can do it again, surely. But no one has ever come to visit Rue. Not like this, like Rue matters.

  No matter what, Ghost would encourage her to do this. Right? It feels like betrayal. How can she consider planning to spend time with anyone when her friend is lonely and lost and perhaps in danger? Probably in danger. But Priti said she has a plan to get Rue’s parents to let her leave. Priti is smart. Rue already knew this, abstractly, since no working class child could get into the Academy without a scholarship.

  Though she’s heard people tell her so all her life, Rue has never felt smart before. Ghost wouldn’t ever comment one way or the other, which has always annoyed Rue. She’d never say this, would be too scared to, but she trusts Ghost. The only person she’d trust to be truthful about whether or not she’s smart and Ghost has always avoided the topic, averted it. Perhaps that should have been answer enough.

  Rue takes a shower. A real one. Flowing water has always been a good way for her to hide the tears from herself. Besides she feels grimy and those boots...

  Perhaps if she can find the courage she can try to call Priti again and change the date, change the time. Cancel. Avoid trying to see if they can be friends. No. No, she’ll let it go for Ghost’s sake. Because Ghost might never forgive her if she does not.

  There is no way to know whether the sting in her eyes is lather from the shampoo or more tears. The headache, even under the water, is the tears. When she is done, has dried herself and wrapped herself up in fluffy pyjamas, her room is silent. Rue can just hear herself breathe in the quiet. She pads to the bed and sits on the edge. There’s no laughter. No jokes, no silly voices. Nothing. Only her, all alone. Rue has never been alone like this before. Or, if she has, she no longer remembers. It feels strange and… unwelcome. She’s never thought that being alone would be unwelcome. She’s always wanted this, but now it does not seem all that wonderful anymore.

  Priti will be visiting tomorrow. Perhaps… Perhaps Priti will help her. If she asks. Dares to ask. Rue doesn’t know if she can risk it and there is no one around whom she can ask. Her decision. Hers alone. Ghost would… Ghost would not know either, Rue realises with a jolt. Her friend would not know, but guess. Take a chance. Ghost does not actually know everything. Rue has just never realised it because she has always believed her friend to be capable of anything and everything. Some kind of disembodied superheroine hanging out with Rue for… no particular reason at all. Why? There is nothing special about Rue. She can’t even rescue her friend. In stories, people always do.

  In stories, the heroes always win. In stories, it only takes days, hours, moments before the great evil is defeated. Rue doesn’t even make a good story. Rolling onto her side, she clutches one of the pillows to her chest and curls up. She’s a failure. A tired failure and her friend is going to die, or worse, because she couldn’t do anything. She’s grounded. Her clothes are utterly ruined and she’s too tired to do anything other than soak her pillow.

  It has been a long, long time since Rue has cried so hard she doesn’t know how to stop.

  17

  THE NEXT DAY, Rue is surprised to be called down by Mrs Krombel. She has not forgotten about Priti’s words, exactly, but she still has not expected the other girl to come. So she’s dishevelled and red-eyed and wearing comfortable clothes Amaranth would undoubtedly hate to see outside of a bedroom. Probably inside one too.

  When Rue spots Priti beside Mrs Krombel, she can feel her face flushing. Of course Rue looks a mess. Of course she does. She digs her nails into her palms to keep from fleeing, but she truly does want to bolt. She doesn’t want to talk to people. Wants to hide. Escape the house. Find her friend. Not deal with Priti come calling for reasons Rue doesn’t understand.

  She is mortified. Her mother’s words have never mattered so much as they have this morning. What if Priti will hate her now? What if Rue is going to make a fool of herself? When it felt so good to think that, maybe, she could have another friend. With time. Rue is so used to people talking about her, gossiping, though… She’s sweating with nervousness because telling herself that Priti wouldn’t do that, isn’t like that, isn’t helping.

  “Hi!” Priti calls out and she even stands on her toes and waves. Rue can’t go back now. Can’t hide. Has to go forward. She doesn’t know Priti. Why is she here? Why didn’t she stay in her room and pretend to be ill? Rue’s heart races as she makes her way down the staircase. The hall isn’t actually large enough to require shouting, but Rue waits until she is at the bottom to greet Priti anyway. She has to. It’s given her the time she needs to scramble her brain into forming coherent words her mouth can produce. She’s not good with people. At least she manages to say ‘hi’ rather than gibberish like she did the first time Amaranth introduced her to someone. Priti shouldn’t be there, be here. Right beside Mrs Krombel, talking about a school project that they’re not even doing like it’s the most vital thing in all the world.

  Rue can’t believe Priti is actually doing that, lying. She can’t believe that Mrs Krombel is falling for it either. Rue isn’t sure if her mouth has fallen open at any point, but she grits her teeth and clenches her jaws to make sure it won’t.

  Rue manages interjections when Mrs Krombel asks her questions, but ‘Ask Priti’ might be the longest answer she gives. She’s not sure. The inside of her head is spinning rapidly and she only just understands that the project has something to do with woodwork. So she lets Priti take over the conversation and come up with all the ideas and just tries to follow.

  Her brain is hurting, but here is Priti talking her way past Mrs Krombel, who would never let a working class person in the house if that person wasn’t a member of staff. Amaranth would fire her on the spot.

  But Rue has given Priti the entrance codes. Only the people who have business inside know those and so, working class or not, Priti has a presumed right to be there. It mi
ght have been different — would have been different — if Priti had climbed over the wall and set off the alarm because the codes had been changed. But she hasn’t and they didn’t and Rue is glad of it.

  She lets the conversation wash over her, though the mention of the drama club gets Rue’s attention more strongly. She loathes it. Not so much the club itself as the idea of getting on a stage and performing. She always has.

  Once, Amaranth had had the idea to encourage Rue to be a great actress and tried to send her off to drama school. Rue had hated it. She’s quite certain that that school was when she’d decided she wanted nothing at all to do with the outside world. (Or, failing that as she so clearly is, as little as possible.) It had been her father who’d got her sent home in the end, before he’d learned that he’d get no other heirs, and decided he despised her for being a girl. Rue has no idea why Priti is telling Mrs Krombel they’re joining the drama club.

  And she has absolutely no idea why Mrs Krombel does not notice anything amiss with the story. Instead, the woman seems delighted as she waves Priti over to Rue. Nothing, it seems, can stand in the way of drama club, except Rue’s own immense dislike of performing. As Priti walks up to her, Rue wonders if she should tell the other girl that she abhors acting, how utterly horrified she was to hear Priti use it to talk her way into Rue’s house. How is she going to avoid joining now? Mrs Krombel has never made a secret of how she believes performing will help Rue ‘climb out of her shell’, how she thinks it a shame that Rue’s father brought his daughter back home.