Chances Aren't

by Young, Luke

  "That can't be a real song." Laura cringes. "That's the worst song ever."

  I push the screen and the music stops. "I mean, it sucks and I only have it on my phone as a joke, but it's like a big deal for a while anyway."

  "What is that thing?" Barbara asks.

  "It's an iPhone… It's a phone you can use anywhere."

  Laura says, "Prove it. Let's call someone."

  "Well, that part only works in the future," I admit. "But it plays music and works as a calculator or you can play videos."

  Laura holds out her hand and I give her the iPhone. She studies it for a moment then nods seemingly convinced. "Okay, I guess I believe you."

  "Good, because I really need you to believe me." I give her a genuine pleading look. "Can we... can I talk to you in private again?"

  David says, "We've got some stuff to talk about anyway." David follows Barbara out the door.

  Sitting on the bed, Laura looks over the phone another moment before asking, "So you came back here just to see if things would work out between us?"

  I sit down next to her and look into her eyes. "I've been wondering if I had actually pursued you if we would have ended up together."

  "What happened?"

  "I meet Emily and I never ask you out again. I fall for her hard and that's it."

  She gives me a sympathetic look. "That doesn't sound so bad, why not go with that?"

  "It's a long story. People change and things happen and I really think Emily would have been much better off finding someone else." She gives me an odd look and I try to repair the damage, "Not that I'm not great, I mean, some people are just not meant to be together like Emily and I. But I think we… we are perfect for each other."

  "I, um... I'm attracted to you, but..."

  Kneeling down, I look up to her face. "From the first moment I saw you working behind the counter I was crazy about you. I know I blew my first opportunity, but I'm here now. I mean, I really think we were meant to be together. I don't know how else to say it— an angel granted me one wish and I could have wished for anything. I could be hanging out with Jennifer Aniston right now, but I didn't—"

  "Who the heck is that?"

  "She's from this TV show, that hasn't even come out yet called, Friends and incredibly hot and wow..." I look away a moment wondering if I really could have wished for that, when I return my attention to Laura, she's frowning. "Sorry, I don't know where I was going with all that."

  "What the hell are you—"

  "Look..." I take her hand. "I was granted one wish... just one and I wished for you."

  For a few moments she looks past me with her expression unreadable. Sighing, she looks me in the eye. "That's sorta sweet in a kind of pathetic way." She runs her fingers through my hair and gives me a smile.

  I rise up and kiss her on the lips. She kisses me deeply, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me closer.

  "Oh, Laura."

  She grabs the bottom of my shirt and pulls it over my head. I slip back on top of her, sliding a hand up her long leg until it rests between her thighs. She moans softly as we kiss more deeply. I'm rubbing her harder now and she slips her hands down my back, into my shorts and squeezes my ass. We're pawing at each other like there's no tomorrow. I kiss her neck then slide lower, pushing her shirt up over her breasts and placing my lips on her chest carefully sucking on her skin. I move lower and place tiny kisses all over her stomach. Returning my knees to the floor, I take hold of her tiny pastel shorts and she lifts her hips off the bed so I can slide them down.

  Noticing the door is open, I close it and return to her and kiss her inner thighs; one then the other, before lifting up to take in the sexy sight of her light yellow lace panties. She slowly rests back against the mattress and pulls her legs up. I slide the panties off her hips, down her long legs and pull them off of her cute little feet.

  I take a moment to let my eyes wander over all of her, taking in all of her beauty. "There's nothing I wouldn't have done to get back to you," I whisper like an idiot possessed.

  I position my head between her legs and taste her. It's much better than yesterday after young Ben had his way with her. She moans softly as my tongue explores her. She's perfect— I could lick her for hours. And I try… I'm using all the tricks I've learned over the years. Minutes pass and I no longer hear any moans. Looking up to see her face, I find she's staring toward the ceiling, bored. I pull up from her and sigh. "Really?"

  It's as if she's forgotten I was there at all. I scoff and repeat the question then she finally acknowledges my existence. "Oh, sorry…"

  Sighing, I plop down next to her on the bed. "I suck at this. I can't fucking believe it. I still do."

  "No, no, you're fine. It's me, it… yeah, it's—"

  "No wonder Emily wasn't a big fan. All these years I thought it was her, but it's me."

  She sits up next to me on the bed. "And hey, I'm a lesbian mostly, so I wouldn't beat yourself up over this."

  Pointing at her, I ask, "Even the thing I just did with my fingers, that didn't do it?"

  She shrugs and gives me a sympathetic smile.

  All the breath leaves my body as I bend over and hold my head in my hands near my knees. I came back here for nothing. I should have killed myself when I had the chance. It's pretty devastating to put yourself out on a limb by buying a girl flowers, walking clear across campus and summoning the courage to ask her out only to have her return a 'no' along with a pathetically sad look, but it's quite another to travel twenty five fucking years back in time, pour your heart out only to have her tell you thanks, but no thanks. Sadly I've done both, but the former is a story for another time.

  "I'm such a moron. I thought we didn't happen because I didn't ask you out again… but you, you weren't really interested." Looking her in the eye, I grin. "I'm not sure how many lifetimes I'd need to figure this whole thing out, but I'm guessing two's not going to do it."

  "It really wasn't that bad." She rubs my back. "I mean, I've had worse."

  I lift my head to look at her. "Gee, thanks."

  "That didn’t come out right. Sometimes things just don’t work out. It's just that some people simply aren't meant to be together."

  "I get it. I do. It's just funny that I, you know, did all this and it's a complete disaster."

  "Are you going to be okay?"

  "Yeah." Sighing, I rise to my feet and turn to her. "Thanks for giving me another shot."

  She extends her hand to me and holds it there. Reluctantly, I take it and we share a smile.

  I pull away from her, make my way out of her room, down the hall and out of the house and start walking. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I've got to get away from there.

  Chapter 23

  After hitchhiking my way back to campus, I head to Swensen's. I could use a cookies and cream shake. On second thought, I really need to get drunk instead, but The Vous, won't be open for another hour. I only have about a dollar fifty in change to my name, plus that shake is pretty amazing and I can probably score a free one, so for now it's just going to have to do.

  I find the place is packed with people. Deciding to take a rain check on the thousand calories, I turn on my heels and back out of the door. Karen chases me down in the parking lot and asks, well, it's more like begs me to work. I agree and head across the street and change. Walking back to the store in my black pants and white shirt, I shake my head with the realization that I did all this, I mean, I came back in time simply to get my old waiter job back. Shit, I sigh, things suddenly seem much, much worse.

  It takes me a few minutes to get back up to speed on all the abbreviations I've long forgotten dealing with the ice cream business, for example flavors, whether nuts, a cherry or whipped cream is desired— not to mention the whole hot fudge versus cold fudge controversy. It is comforting in some weird way to know, however, that the spoon shortage issue still exists. I'm not sure why a place that mainly serves ice cream doesn't have thousands of spoons at its disposal, but
it's nearly impossible to find a clean one on a busy night.

  After surviving the rush, my semi-competent table waiting skills have earned me just over a hundred dollars in cash. I didn't break anything or spill something on a customer, so it was a good night. With the floor mopped and everything put away, it's only Karen and I left in the store. I head back to punch out and Karen smiles at me as I flop down in a chair in her office smelling like a waffle cone.

  "Thanks for helping out."

  "I didn't have a lot going on tonight anyway." I feel my elbow sticking to the chair and upon pulling it free, I find a large semi-dry chocolate ice cream patch on my skin. At least I hope that's ice cream.

  "That's our badge of honor," she says pulling her shirt around to show me the strawberry colored stain on her side.

  I work my hand over my elbow and sigh. "Yeah…"

  We share a smile before her attention returns to the paperwork on her desk. I study Karen for a moment and I'm not sure why it never occurred to me before, but she's a little butch-looking. I mean, she's certainly pretty and has a cute little body, but there's a strong possibility she's into women. I give her a hesitant look. "Can I ask you something?"

  "Sure."

  "Are you a, um, a, uh..."

  "A what?" She grins as if she knows what I'm going to ask.

  "A lesbian?"

  "You're screwing with me, right?"

  "Um, I don't think so, no." I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

  "I thought everyone knew."

  "So you are?"

  She nods.

  "Good, I mean, that’s cool. Um, do you think women who are not gay sometimes claim that they are, in order to let a guy down easy if she's not interested in them?"

  "Yeah it happens." She narrows her eyes. "Is this about Laura?"

  "Yeah."

  "Did she tell you she was?"

  "She did," I grumble.

  "She's definitely not lying."

  "You knew?"

  "Yep, we've actually talked about it."

  "You two aren't um… you know…"

  "I wish..." She looks past me with her lips parted for a few seconds before coming back down to earth. "Sorry. No, I'm not sure how it came up, but we discussed it. I mean, look at me... I guess she figured, you know…"

  "I've got to start paying closer attention to things." I shake my head. "If all lesbians looked like you two, the world would have a big problem on its hands. I mean, you both are too attractive to be… I mean, I've seen women's softball and— wait, I'll just shut up now."

  She breaks into a chuckle. "It's okay."

  "Yeah, there aren't too many lipstick lesbians out there," I say.

  "Lipstick lesbians, I've never heard that."

  "Oh, it's an old expression from the nineties."

  "Really? I'm sure I've... did you say nineties?"

  "What? No, I uh... Sorry, I thought I heard it somewhere."

  She shrugs and fiddles with her pen as she asks, "So you fell for her pretty hard, huh?"

  Moving to the edge of my seat, I look her in the eye. "We had this night, this one amazing night and maybe it was the beer or we somehow got caught up in the moment, but it was… whatever it was, it was incredible and unless I'm a complete idiot I'm pretty sure she felt it too. But either way it's over now." I let out a sigh and slump back in the chair.

  "I probably shouldn't tell you this..." Curling her lip, she gives me a slight smile.

  "What?" Suddenly, I'm perky again.

  "She asked me about you."

  "No way. Really?"

  "She wanted to know if I thought you were cute."

  "You?"

  "Yeah." She scoffs. "Just cause we don't want to climb aboard doesn't mean we can't appreciate the equipment."

  "What did you tell her?"

  "I told her I thought you were sexy and to go for it."

  "Thanks." Smiling, I take a moment to ponder that before my smile fades into a frown. "Well one night with me and now she's convinced she's not bi. Now she's one hundred percent into girls."

  "Wow, really?"

  "Yep, it's a gift really." I frown. "Hey, if you know any women you're trying to convert to your side, have them date me and I'm sure I can help you out."

  She laughs. "I might have to take you up on that."

  "What about you? Have you ever been with a guy?"

  "A few."

  "And?"

  "And it was..." She gives me a slight cringe. "…fine."

  "That bad huh?"

  She shakes her head yes.

  "Well girls are really cute, all the parts and all." I give her a supportive nod. "I mean, I get it. If I were a girl, I think I'd be right there with you."

  We share a wide eyed look before she rubs her chin seemingly in deep thought then says, "You know what you need?"

  "What?"

  "You need to get laid and not by a lesbian. You need to go to town with a girl who really likes dick."

  "That would…" I shrug in agreement. "Take my mind off things."

  "When I'm finished here I'm taking you across the street for a beer and I'll see if I can hook you up."

  Chapter 24

  After four beers each at The Vous, we're both feeling pretty good. The bar is mostly empty, due to it being summer break and the fact that it's July fourth and most people are watching fireworks except for the handful of us losers getting drunk.

  I top my glass off from the pitcher and look Karen in the eye. "What the hell do girls like? I've had almost twenty five years' experience and obviously I still have no idea how to do any of this well or even have a clue about what girls want."

  Karen chuckles. "Twenty five?"

  Recovering, I scoff. "I'm exaggerating, of course. I mean, I've… let's just say I've done it enough to know it's not easy figuring the whole thing out."

  "It's pretty simple really."

  I lean in close to her wide-eyed.

  "First you've got to be a good kisser."

  "Great." My face drops and I take a sip of beer.

  "What, you're not?"

  "No, I suck at that. My wife said—" I curl my lip and cringe before whispering to myself, "Jesus Christ…" I sigh. "I, um, just called her that." I roll my eyes. "She called me husband and, you know… We dated for a long, long time, so it was like a joke."

  She humors me with half a smile.

  "Anyway she told me so and so have a few others."

  "Well, you can improve, I'm sure."

  I shrug, unconvinced. "What else?"

  "You've really got to listen to what a woman's body is telling you. They will show you through body language what feels good."

  "Okay…" I'm sure I look like a deer caught in headlights.

  "You also have to mix things up. Go down on her for a while then, when, you uh… put it in, give it to her hard then softer then change it up. Vary the angles then go back down on her, use your fingers— work the nipples."

  I hold my head. "That doesn't sound simple."

  "Who am I kidding? No, it doesn't." She stares down into her glass before looking me in the eye. "If you think lesbians have it easy, you're mistaken."

  "Oh."

  "Let's face it…" She whirls an index finger in a circular motion on one hand as she points down to her lap. "With a woman, it's a whole complex thing going on there."

  Following it in my semi-drunken state, I suddenly feel sick and am forced to look away. I grab the table with both hands to stop from feeling like I'm going to fall off the stool. Moment later when I recover, I say, "Huh, that's what I thought."

  We share a look followed by an awkward pause before I add, "I would think pleasing a guy is so much easier. Not that I've ever, um, you know…"

  She nods in agreement.

  I scoff. "A girl can literally pass the point of orgasm and she can't get back, I mean, what the hell is that?"

  "I know, right." She shoots me a knowing smile.

  "I've been there... you're going along, the moaning is
getting stronger and stronger, she says — rub me harder, faster and then suddenly she's giggling and pushing you away."

  "Uh-huh," she says.

  I make a face. "A guy never..." Making quote marks with my fingers, I emphasize, "passes... his orgasm. He owns that shit, he doesn't let it slip away."

  "Wow, you do know a lot about this."

  "Tell me about it. I think no man has been closer to giving a woman more orgasms and failed more times than I have." I take a sip of beer and announce proudly, "I come in second a lot."

  She gives me a naughty smile. "Have you ever watched a woman touch herself?"

  "No."

  "You could learn a lot from that. Some couples have nights of mutual masturbation where they just watch each other— take turns and really pay attention to where and how they touch themselves— it can be a great teaching tool."

  "I'll have to remember that."

  "But put aside all the physical stuff, because sex is really more a mental act for women. Sure, you can have a mind blowing one night with someone, but unless you connect with that person on a deeper level that will fade very quickly."

  "Yeah I get what you're saying."

  "Foreplay starts long before you ever get her naked. You've got to arouse her with conversation, through non-sexual touch and you've really got to listen to her."

  "Listen, huh?"

  "Yes, you've got to make it about her, not about being horny."

  After taking a sip of beer, my jaw falls open and I stare straight ahead attempting to process all that. A few moments later I break into a chuckle.

  "What?" she asks.

  "I've been a complete idiot for all these years. I'm such an asshole."

  "No."

  "Yes, I've been a giant ass for—"

  "You've only been dating a couple years." She shakes her head and waves her hand at me. "Don't be so hard on yourself. Most guys probably don't figure it out until they're at least in their thirties."