Chances Aren't

by Young, Luke

  He lets out a low moan. "Shit."

  "What the hell am I doing?" I turn my head to look at him. "Everything I do is wrong. My whole life has been one big fucking mistake."

  "What the hell are you talking about?"

  "My job… the houses I've bought… investments, marriage, all of it."

  "I told you I don't want to hear about it."

  "You need to hear this."

  He looks at me with disgust. "Has it really been that bad or are you just a pathetic, never satisfied, asshole?"

  "Well, yeah, sure there's that," I admit. "I make so many mistakes. Let me help you fix them. Let me."

  "Emily is not a mistake."

  "She is." Sighing, I give him a sincere look. "Can't you do this one thing for me?"

  Young Ben shakes his head. "No, I'm falling for her."

  "Geez..." I give him a tired look. "What is it, the sauce?"

  His eyes light up and he smiles. "Oh my God."

  "I know, I know, it's fucking amazing." I rub my forehead. "It really is." Groaning, I sit upright, clutching my arms around my knees.

  "And her family, it's like they actually have a home."

  I nod. "You've seen her ass in those little satin panties, right?"

  He narrows his eyes, like he's looking at her amazing curves right at that moment. "Adorable."

  "Yeah, I get it." Exhaling, I give him a tired look. "It's the, uh… perfect sauce, perfect family and perfect ass."

  "I know, right." He struggles to a sitting position, tugging at his balls with his hand.

  "You're going to be miserable and make her miserable. There are so many other girls, just find another."

  "I haven't even had a chance with her. I can make it work."

  "Look, I didn't want to tell you this, but you, you can't get her pregnant."

  "What? Why not?" He cringes. "Do we have like an exorcist baby or something?"

  "No, no, I don't mean you shouldn't get her pregnant, I mean you can't… it's your boys…" Pointing to his crotch, I frown. "I mean, our boys, they can't swim."

  "I don't believe you."

  "Why would I lie about that?" I raise my hands up.

  "Um, I don't know, you've pretty much lied to me about everything else."

  "She really wants kids and you can't give them to her."

  "Then we'll adopt or something."

  I scoff. "It's not that simple."

  "Whatever dude."

  "You're going to go through all these fertility tests and waste a lot of money and time. Eventually you'll stop doing things together. You'll stop talking and… and you'll never have sex. She'll resent you. She'll tell you she threw away her life by being with you."

  "Why the hell didn’t you tell me about this?"

  "You told me you didn't want me to tell you about your future."

  "Yeah, but this is pretty fucking important."

  "I don't know. I, I, thought about it, but a lot of STDs are just starting up, like AIDS and, and… I didn't want you having sex with a lot of women, you know, without wearing a condom. Shit might start falling off of you and I didn't want it falling off of me, if you know what I mean."

  He gives me a look. "Do you really think a lot of women would sleep with me?"

  "You're right. I haven't been thinking all that clearly lately."

  He sighs. "Having a baby can't be that important to her."

  "It is."

  "That's bullshit."

  "I'm not lying."

  Folding his arms, he looks down to the grass, frowning. "I'm seeing her tonight and you can't stop me."

  "That's a mistake."

  "Yeah, right." Rising to his feet, he dismisses me with a wave of his hand. "I don't want to see you again. Why don't you return to… you know… Just call your angel friend."

  He turns and walks away.

  "Ben, wait," I call after him, but he keeps going and I close my eyes and sigh.

  "So it's not going well?" I hear a male voice say from behind me.

  Turning, I discover William sitting on a bench giving me a sarcastic smile.

  "Great, now you're back." I plop down next to him and shake my head. "This whole thing has been a nightmare."

  "Really?"

  "Yeah..." I roll my eyes. "I thought this was going to be a lot more fun. He's going off to claim the love of his life and I can't stop him and even worse, Laura is a lesbian."

  "I know."

  "You knew?"

  "Sure."

  "Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

  "Now what fun wound that have been?" He gives me a chuckle.

  "Screw you." I frown. "Note to self… two decades from now don't save William's wife and child from a burning van."

  He looks at me, insulted. "Hey, I was just kidding."

  Rubbing my chin, I look skyward and sigh. "I wonder if it works that way. Do I just go tell, you know, the other me to not do that in twenty five years, or is that not going to happen now?" I narrow my eyes, turn toward William and discover him wearing an equally perplexed look. "I'm so confused."

  He shrugs.

  "You know..." I scowl. "For some reason I thought you'd have more answers."

  "Look, this is all new to me too." Leaning back with his arm around the top of the bench, he takes a deep breath. "This is a nice campus. Being here is a lot better than being dead, that's for sure."

  "That's easy for you to say." I shoot him a tired look.

  "You've got me there." He smiles.

  After a few moments of silence, I ask sarcastically, "So what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

  "Oh, sorry... I came to tell you that you don't have much time left. This is your last night."

  "What? I'm, I'm leaving for California as soon as I save enough money. Probably next week."

  "You're what?" He laughs in my face.

  "Yeah, I figured since I'm completely failing at breaking these two up and I'm finding that life at this age when I can manufacture at least a touch of personality is a lot of freaking fun. I mean, I think I've really found out who I am, what I can be and although it took me almost half a century to figure it out, I think I could do really well on the west coast. I'm executing plan B."

  "Plan B?"

  "Yeah."

  "Well, you better get your ass on a plane in the next hour and then maybe you could at least enjoy one meal out there before—"

  "Shit." Sighing, I close my eyes and slump back on the bench.

  William says, "If you ask me, I think you'd better focus on plan A. You really don't have any choice."

  "I need more time. He's still crazy about her and she thinks I'm amazing in bed, so—"

  "Okay, right." He scoffs.

  "What?" I raise my hands up in my defense.

  "Amazing?"

  "Uh, yeah, I've brought all my experience back into this young man's body." I point to myself in a douche kinda way. "I'd say the combo is pretty powerful. I mean, Emily really seemed to enjoy herself today."

  "I don't think so." Sighing, he shakes his head. "I was there and she's a young girl. She doesn't know what good sex is yet."

  "You were there?"

  "I've been watching you this whole time."

  "You perv. Don't you have anything better to do?"

  "Uh, no, I'm dead! Remember."

  "Oh, right." I sigh. "Let's recap this... so Laura, the girl I've been pining away for... oh, off and on for twenty five years likes to go down on chicks and thinks I'm pretty lame in bed. She has no interest in me."

  "Uh-huh."

  "And Emily - who I came back here to not fall in love with - my idiot twin adores and she's now even crazier about me than she was originally."

  "Well, maybe just slightly." Holding his fingers an inch apart, he looks at me unconvinced.

  "I'll give you that." I nod.

  "You are the one that slept with her." He sneers. "Maybe you should have had more self-control."

  "Hey, I had just woken up and I was all disoriented. I m
ean, she does have a spectacular ass."

  "That she does."

  "Okay." Running my hand down my face, I take a moment to think. "So I guess this is over. I'm going back and young Ben here is just going to make all the same mistakes I made all over again, well except for maybe the roof thing." I add sarcastically, "Well, that should be fun for the both of them."

  I glance to him and he doesn't say a word. "Really, you have nothing to say, no advice, nothing?"

  He simply shrugs.

  "Unbelievable." I let out a grunt. "You know, instead of putting me through all this shit, you should have let me kill myself. That would have been easier on everyone."

  "Ugggg." He shoots me a sickened look. "Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself you big pussy. I've been listening to your whining since I had the misfortune to meet you. I've seen the report on you too."

  "Report?"

  "There's a report on everyone. How the hell else do you think he…' William looks skyward "…keeps track of everyone. He's just one guy struggling to watch over billions of idiots like you."

  "I didn't realize." My mouth falls open a bit.

  "All your life you've been doing everything half assed and then you wonder why nothing has really worked out— your marriage, your job, friendships... family— have you ever given anything your all?"

  "Well, I mean, uh—" I move uncomfortably on the bench.

  "Grow a set will ya? And while you're at it knock off your shit— Always saying things like 'kill me' or 'why does this have to happen to me.' You make your own destiny, you know. If you would just actually put in the effort and not be this glass is completely empty fuckhead, you'll find you can do anything you want to do."

  "Okay, okay... geez."

  "Big pussy." He flaps both his hands down on the bench in disgust and sneers.

  I take a deep breath.

  "Pussy."

  "Okay, all right, geez." I widen my eyes.

  He gives me a hesitant look. "Am I overdoing it a little?"

  "Maybe."

  "I'm new at this angel stuff."

  "You're not bad."

  "Really?"

  "Yeah." I shrug. "So what do I do now? How do I break them up? I really think she'll be happier with someone else."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Yeah, I really think she would be."

  "He's meeting Emily tonight at nine at the Turtle. You get there early and have her walk in and see you kissing another girl. It's that simple."

  "How do I keep, you know, the other me from showing up and freaking her out?"

  "You're just going to have to figure that part out on your own." He gets up and starts walking away.

  "Hey, wait," I call out. "When am I going back, exactly? What time?"

  He never turns back, leaving me there running my fingers through my hair and sighing.

  Chapter 31

  After staking out the frat house for a few minutes, I spot Ben moving around our room. I call Laura from a pay phone outside the 7-11 and somehow I'm actually able to reach her and I lay out my plan. After a few minutes of begging and my threatening to camp outside her house holding a boom box over my head which is blasting In Your Eyes just like John Cusack did in Say Anything, she agrees even though that movie hasn't even come out yet.

  I hang up the phone and move to a tree across from the house to continue my surveillance. When I spot Ben again in the window, I rush toward the house, make my way up to Elliot's room and stop in for a chat completing step two of my plan.

  I return outside and wait. Ten minutes later I see Alan's car turn onto the street and sigh. "Shit." My old male gymnast friend makes me think of my new cute female gymnast friend. Shit, I forgot about Carrie and tonight. I close my eyes and let out a string of expletives. I don’t have any way to contact her. Damn, I should have asked for her phone number.

  As the gears turn in my brain, a smile spreads across my face. Running toward the parking lot, I meet Alan at his car popping up out of nowhere.

  He looks at me startled. "Geez, you scared me."

  "Dude, I need a favor."

  "What?" He gives me a hesitant look.

  "You doing anything tonight?"

  "No, not really."

  "How'd you like to meet a girl at the Vous for me tonight?"

  "What's wrong with her?"

  "Nothing. She's a gymnast, just like you. She's hot and she's nice and we're supposed to meet at eight."

  "Why can't you meet her?"

  "I, um, I've got to meet Laura."

  "No way, you dog." He smiles. "Now you're juggling the chicks."

  "Something like that."

  "Look." Reaching into my wallet, I pull out a few bills. "There's like eighty dollars here. Take her to dinner or do whatever."

  "Seriously?"

  "Just tell her I'm sorry. Will you do that for me?"

  "I don't know."

  "She sorta knows you."

  "How?"

  "From seeing you at the gym. She actually mentioned your blue leotard thing."

  "No way?"

  "Yes, she thinks you're hot."

  "You're fucking with me." He frowns.

  "Okay." I sigh. "She didn't say you were hot, but she did remember you. Come on, help me out, please."

  "All right." He looks to his watch. "I'd better take a shower."

  "No!"

  "What do you mean no?" He looks at me like I'm nuts.

  "You can't go inside."

  "Why not?"

  "Um, Ben's up there."

  "Yeah?" He closes the door to his car and steps around me. "We do share the room, you know."

  Rushing after him, I grab him by the shoulder. "Look, he's got Emily up there and they're, you know, it’s their first time. That's a special deal. They don't need you walking in mid…" I frown, shrugging. "… mid thrusting or whatever and ruining it."

  "Oh, shit. I guess I'll wait then. It's only six thirty."

  "No, no you can't wait."

  "What now?" He gives me a tired look.

  "It, um, they just started and it takes him like two hours at least."

  "Come on, two hours?"

  "Have you heard of Tantric sex, Sting and all that?" Giving him a wide-eyed look, I wait for his answer.

  "What? No, I haven't."

  "Well, ask him about it next time you see him."

  "Shit, so what—"

  "Your parents live only thirty minutes from here, right?"

  "Well, yeah, but, shit." He looks again to his watch. "I don't have a lot of time."

  "Look." I open my wallet again and pull out every bill, quickly counting it then showing it in his hand. "Here's another forty something. That's everything I have."

  "Wait a second." He gives me a suspicious look. "I thought you didn't want him to hook up with Emily and now you're paying me so he can bang her for two hours. What the hell?"

  "I changed my mind."

  "I'm so confused." He shakes him head.

  Turning, I pull him toward his car. "You need to get moving now if you’re going to make it back in time."

  "Yeah, okay."

  When we reach his car, I open the door and deposit him inside.

  "How do I find her?"

  "Oh she's short with dark hair and she, well, she looks like a gymnast. They all look alike, right?" I shrug. "I'm sure she'll recognize you anyway so..."

  "Okay."

  As the slightly confused Alan is pulling out of the parking lot, I spot Laura parking her Toyota across the street. She gets out of the car with a backpack full of supplies. I wave her over and we set up behind a tree about fifty feet from the house. I point out the window to her and we watch for a few minutes until we spot Ben up there. We share a nod and after another few minutes of surveillance we see Ben pull off his shirt. That's our cue. After waiting two minutes, we enter the house and climb the steps to the second floor.

  I sneak over to the bathroom door, open it a few inches and spot young Ben in the shower stall then rush to the
room with Laura following close behind. Once we're inside, she tosses me the backpack and pulls off her shirt and her little pair of shorts as I take the two sets of handcuffs out of her bag. She climbs on the bed wearing a bra and panties and sits against the headboard.

  Studying the scene, I frown. "I really think you should be naked for this."

  "What? You didn't say anything about—"

  "I just think it works better that way." I frown and nod my head, expectantly.

  She looks at me, insulted. "You don’t think I look good enough this way?"

  "No, no, you look great, but we only get one shot at this and I think our best chance is with all your..." I wave my finger around pointing to her body. "...beautiful lady parts showing."

  "All right." Giving me a tired look, she sighs before removing her bra.

  I ready one set of handcuffs as she slips the panties down her legs. I smile. "Now, that's it. He may faint when he sees you like this, because wow, just wow. Is it hot in here or is it just me?"

  She tries to suppress a smile, but fails. "You're cute. A pain in the ass, but cute."

  "I knew you liked me." I attach one end of the pink furry handcuff to the headboard and the other around her wrist. Leaning over Laura, I take the other hard steel handcuff and secure it to the headboard and hand her the other end. Pausing, I gaze down at her naked body and take a deep breath. "God, you smell good. I wish we had a few more minutes. I kinda like having you strapped down."

  "I'll bet, you perv. Now hurry up." Laura holds the other open handcuff in her hand in the ready position, but hidden on the side of her body.

  "Ready?"

  "Yeah."

  I head over to the backpack and pull out a ball gag and make a face. "Where'd you get all this stuff?"

  "My sister is a freak."

  "Yeah, sure." I give her a suspicious look.

  "I'm serious."

  After taking a few steps back and tilting my head, I study the scene, grimacing. "You look cute, but..."

  "What is it?" She sighs.

  "You know... maybe you should spread your legs a little."

  "Get the hell out of here."

  "We could totally do that threesome now." I flash her a naughty grin.

  "Go."

  "Okay." I walk backwards, never taking my eyes off of her.

  "Wait the key," she says, her eyes wide.

  "Which is it?"

  "The one on the pink rabbit's foot thingy."