All I Want for Christmas is Big Blue Eyes

by Claire Ashgrove

  He couldn’t speak. Could only stare at the large diamond on her hand.

  She offered him a tiny smile, and he could have sworn, before she turned around, her eyes glimmered with unshed tears.

  As she made her way inside the house, he gazed after her. Behind the lightweight curtains in her front window, her silhouette moved across the room toward the blinking lights on a Christmas tree. A tall, broad-shouldered, masculine figure rose to join her. They embraced, and Josh’s heart twisted.

  She could have been his. Should have been. And now, when he hadn’t realized just how much Amanda Henders meant to him until he watched another man hold her, he was too late.

  Four

  Amanda fell into Lucas’ arms, clinging to him as tears rolled down her cheeks.

  “What is it, ‘Manda?”

  She shook her head, held on a little tighter, and inhaled deeply. “I don’t want Emma to know,” she whispered against his shoulder.

  “Darlin’, I put Emma to bed. She’s sound asleep. What happened?”

  “I saw…” She couldn’t finish the sentence. Her words died off in a soft sob.

  Lucas tensed. “Josh.”

  Nodding, she ordered the foolish tears to stop. She’d cried enough for him over the years. This was insane. There had to be a way to make it stop. To move on.

  “Where?”

  “In the drive.”

  With a mutter, Lucas pushed away from her and went to the door. He yanked it open, stepped out on the porch, and stared down the street.

  “What are you doing, Luc?”

  “I don’t know who he thinks he is, ‘Manda. Eight years, an’ he waltzes back in town like everything’s the same as the last time. After what happened—where does he get off?”

  Lucas’ voice held restrained anger. The hands he held at his sides clenched into tight fists.

  Amanda joined him at the door. “Don’t, Luc.”

  Pulling on his arm, she urged him back inside. She wasn’t the only one Josh had abandoned. When he’d left Lexington, he’d destroyed Lucas’ dreams of the business they’d planned for as long as she’d known both of them. Lucas had a right to his anger. At the same time, she understood a great deal of it had to do with her. But this wasn’t his fight. It was hers.

  “He’s just Josh,” she explained in a quiet voice. “He sails on the wind. Always has. He never means to hurt anyone.”

  Scowling, Lucas twisted free and stalked back to the couch. “Quit makin’ excuses for him. He took off to K-State, left you here, and walked out on your dreams. Two years later, when his dad dies, he spends the night with you and walks out again before you even wake up. When’s it enough, ‘Manda? When do you see what he really is?”

  Hearing the cold, hard reality of what Josh had done was like Lucas thrust a knife into her heart. She’d gone through it a hundred times mentally, but never once had Lucas said it so bluntly. She squeezed her eyes shut against the stabbing pain and dropped down into the seat beside him.

  With a sigh, he tossed his arm around her shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

  “No. You’re right,” she conceded in a whisper. “I’ve told myself the same things over and over. I’d like to hate him, Luc. In fact, some days, I’d give up my hands to be able to hate Josh McDaniels.”

  Lucas chuckled softly. His fingers tightened on her upper arm. “I wish I could too.”

  He understood.

  Deep down, they both understood Josh. What hurt was that no matter how close Josh let them get, he refused to accept their friendship, their love. Refused to trust the two people who would lay down their lives for him. Put up a wall holding them at bay.

  Amanda sighed. “I can’t though. As sure as I know my name, I know he’ll blow through here again. I’ll get caught up in that whirlwind. He’ll leave like he always does. I just have to find a boundary somehow. A way to accept that I’ll die loving him, but refuse to let him in any farther.”

  With another low chuckle, Lucas rubbed her shoulder. “Don’t sleep with him. That’s a great place to start.”

  It was a great place to start. A very sound idea.

  If she could get past the fact that after standing so close to him tonight, everything inside her already screamed for the feel of his mouth against hers.

  Maybe with Lucas’ help…

  “You’ll sidetrack me if you think I’m getting all soft around him?”

  He flashed her a grin. “An invitation to stop Josh in his tracks? Oh, darlin’, you don’t have to ask that twice. That’d be almost as nice as flattenin’ his nose.”

  Amanda gave in to a giggle. Twisting sideways, she punched him playfully in the bicep.

  With a laugh, Lucas sat forward and reached for a piece of pizza. He turned, pushing it at her, forcing her to take a bite. “Have some pizza. I’m not kiddin’ about his nose.”

  Through her mouthful of food, she asked, “Why do you want to punch him?”

  “In case you forgot, I’m sittin’ behind a desk, overseein’ the bank. I was supposed to be workin’ with my best friend, buildin’ the damn things he drew. I’m gettin’ fat in my father’s shoes, while Dad is sunnin’ his wrinkly ass in Florida, and Mom’s havin’ Christmas parties with more sweets that’ll only add to my pounds.”

  “You aren’t fat, Luc.”

  She turned a pleading look on him. “Don’t fight with him, Lucas. It’s not Josh’s fault he doesn’t know how to let anyone close to him. You and I are the only ones who know the truth about his mom. What she did to his dad. It all comes from that.”

  He let out a sigh and tossed the cold pizza back into the open box. Falling back into the cushions, he raked a hand through his hair. “How many people have to pay for her mistakes, ‘Manda? He’s off doin’ the things he wanted to do. We’re here. Josh has never once apologized for cuttin’ out the other two people that were part of the same plans.”

  Amanda gave him a sad smile. “We could have left. We chose to stay here.”

  Lucas shook his head. “I could’ve left, I s’pose. But what were you s’posed to do? Bail on your mom? And frankly, if you try to tell me you could have handled your mom’s illness without help, I’ll have to walk out that door and never speak to you again. You gave up school because you couldn’t keep on top of it and her chemo.”

  The memories were still raw, and Amanda looked away, staring out the window. Inadvertently, her mother caused all this. Her health was the trigger for the way Amanda’s life unraveled. Why she eventually let Tyler Masterson into her life. How she accidentally ended up pregnant. The reason for staying with Tyler when she never loved him. Why she now was on the verge of losing everything, including her daughter’s inheritance, because the flower shop barely brought in enough to cover the second mortgage on her mother’s house.

  “I was thinking the other night, maybe I could take some online classes. Work on that degree. There’s got to be a way out of this mess. I just…oh, this sounds so terrible…”

  He cocked his head, his brow furrowed. “What’s terrible?”

  Heat crawled into Amanda’s cheeks. “All I ever wanted was to be a wife and raise my kids.” With Josh. “I’ve never thought beyond that box.”

  “You never had to until Tyler died and left you with a mountain of debt you never planned for.”

  The way Lucas was always so quick to defend her stirred affection deep inside. He was such a decent man. If she’d been smart, she’d have figured out a way to love him a long time ago and never let him go. She’d tried. Lord knew she’d given it her best shot. It just wasn’t meant to be. Deep down, she didn’t believe Lucas really loved her anyway. He just was too good of a friend to sit back and do nothing. She’d have done the same things for him, as he did for her, were their roles reversed.

  “Hey,” he said suddenly. “Why don’t you let me take Emma home with me tonight? That’ll keep her out of your hair tomorrow mornin’. I can take her out to the farm with me, bund
le her up, let her play in the snow while I fix that fence.”

  “Oh, she’d love to go out there. She loves the cows.”

  “If I can manage it, do you want me to try an’ find her that pony for Christmas?”

  Amanda shook her head. “She doesn’t need a pony. Sure, she’s got room for it on that land out there, but there’s no money for lessons, no money for the vet if it should get sick.”

  “I can help.”

  Absolutely not. She’d die before she let Lucas help her out any more than he already was. But telling him that wouldn’t amount to anything. He’d laugh, insist she was being silly, and do it anyway. She needed a better excuse.

  “No. If she’s going to get a pony, I want to get it for her. That’s one of those special gifts Mommy should be responsible for. Until I can do it, she goes without. Besides, if I don’t come up with six thousand dollars in twelve days, Emma won’t have her father’s land. Sandra sent me another certified letter today. She’s going to force the sale January second.”

  “That bitch has a one-way ticket to hell in her hands,” Lucas growled. “I don’t give a rat’s ass whether she likes you or not. Tyler wanted Emma to have that land. Sandra’s the trustee. She should make sure the taxes get paid for her niece’s sake. Not try and yank it away to punish you.”

  Amanda stood and picked up the pizza box. With Emma upstairs, now wasn’t the time to discuss her biological aunt. Emma didn’t need any more reason not to like the woman who never even sent a birthday card. “Okay, enough of this. It’s getting late.”

  “Do you want me to take Emma?”

  “Are you sure you don’t mind? I really could use the time alone in the shop tomorrow. Since we close on the twenty-third, I’m going to be working right down to the wire.”

  “I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mind. Go get your dress too. I’ll take it to Mom’s in the morning so you won’t have to come back here if you’re runnin’ short on time.”

  With a mystified shake of her head, she bent down and kissed Lucas’ cheek. “You need a wife. Someone who at least sleeps with you for all the sweet things you do.”

  A slow smirk curled the corner of his mouth. “Well, darlin’ if you’re offerin’…”

  With a false sound of offense, she picked up the couch pillow and whacked him over the head. “I’m going to find you a wife, Lucas. Mark my words.”

  Laughter twitched his mouth. “Uh huh. Sure. Let me know when ya do. I’ll take a redheaded variety. I need a little more fight in my life, don’t ya think?”

  “Go get Emma. I’ll fetch my things.”

  ****

  Josh flopped over in his bed to stare at the ceiling. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t force the ache to go away or keep his mind from running in circles. Amanda belonged to someone else. Someone who parked his white, 4x4 truck where Josh’s run-down old Pontiac had spent more time than in his parents’ driveway. Someone else was in her Mom’s house with her. Sitting on the couch he’d spent way too many afternoons on, studying side-by-side, so he didn’t have to watch his father drink himself to sleep. Probably making love to her on the same living room floor where she’d given him her virginity. Or in her bed, where her mother had turned a blind eye, wholly aware and wholly accepting Josh as her would-be son.

  God damn it.

  No one was supposed to touch her. Except him.

  Only…He’d left that damn door wide open. If he’d picked up the fucking phone once in a while, answered one of her calls after his dad’s funeral, instead of trying to hide his sorrow from her, things could have been so different.

  Fuck!

  If he hadn’t been struck dumb with terror when she told him she loved him, and run away to K-State, he’d be there right now. Holding her. Kissing her. Feeling her soft body next to his. Watching her sleep, as he loved to do.

  And damned if she didn’t still have feelings for him. He’d read it in her expression, witnessed the soft light in her eyes that haunted him. Unmistakable words only someone who’d heard the spoken variation would recognize. That made it even worse. To know in her heart she still cared for him, and he was solely responsible for his present misery.

  He rolled onto his stomach and pummeled his fist into his pillow. Dropping his face into the feathery softness, he let out a frustrated groan. If he’d ever needed any more reason to hate his mother, tonight gave it to him. There wasn’t a damn thing he could do about his sudden awareness of what lengths he’d go to, to have Amanda back in his arms, in his bed.

  Unless…

  Lifting his head, he gazed out the window.

  If he could get her to admit she still cared for him, maybe there was something he could do. He could let her know he needed her. That he’d only just realized this. Maybe, she’d come back.

  A pang of guilt twisted his gut. He couldn’t do that to another man, even if the bastard did have something that didn’t belong to him. His mom did that and broke his father.

  Then again, Josh didn’t know the man. He had no reason to feel obligated to honor vows that were meaningless if Amanda admitted she still loved him. Everyone else in this goddamn world didn’t hesitate to take what they wanted. Why should he?

  Amanda was supposed to be his. Warwick Manor was supposed to belong to them. And he’d been the damn fool who was too afraid of losing her to hold on to her.

  He dropped his head back into his pillow with a soul-deep sigh. Who was he kidding? He couldn’t do that to anyone. Couldn’t ask Amanda to put herself in that position. He’d screwed up. It wasn’t her fault it took him too long to figure it out.

  Closing his eyes to the wrenching of his gut, the image of her silhouette embracing her husband flashed in his mind.

  “Oh, Amanda. I was so wrong,” he murmured.

  The hot rush of tears sprung behind his closed eyelids. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, ordering the tears away. He hadn’t cried over anything since his mother walked out the door, chasing down some musician she’d met on the Internet. He couldn’t let go that far. That would mean there wasn’t any coming back.

  Besides, he couldn’t stay here. He might want Amanda fiercely, but Lexington—he couldn’t stay in this town. She meant the world to him. Made him happier than he had a right to be. But he couldn’t let her in that far. Couldn’t consider love as part of the equation. Love only hurt people and destroyed lives.

  What was it he’d said tonight to James? Let it go quietly.

  He didn’t have a choice. The only option he could consider was to do the job Sandra was going to pay him for, sell the last ties he had to this godforsaken town, and never look back. Like Olivia. Devote himself to his work as he’d been doing. Enjoy the pretty women he brought home once in a blue moon.

  He would not destroy Amanda’s life by considering the possibility she might mean more to him than just a wonderful, all-consuming memory.

  One tear managed to weasel free and rolled quietly down his cheek.

  He could feel the warmth of her body snuggled into his as he hugged her. Smell that summertime scent like she was right here beside him.

  Amanda.

  On the heels of the solitary thought, another salty drop worked its way free. He curled the pillow into his arms, buried his face, and for the first time in thirteen years, wept.

  Five

  Amanda drew her hand back from the prickly evergreens with a fierce hiss. “Damn,” she swore under her breath.

  She’d lost count of how many times she’d stabbed her fingers on the pines. They were so sore she didn’t want to touch another branch. Yet Mae’s arrangements had to be finished. She couldn’t let Mae down after everything Lucas and his family had done for her.

  If she hadn’t been so concerned about the quality the secondary supplier sent, she’d have put the sprays together earlier in the week. Worked at them a little at a time instead of this crunch at the last minute. But she’d had to order from a lower-cost company and wasn’t yet conv
inced she hadn’t paid for what she got. The sprigs were more brittle than they should be.

  Worried they’d die, she left the chore to this morning in case she needed to swap out something else and create something different for Mae.

  There were also the paying customers, and her present financial mess dictated she fill all profitable orders first. Her arrangements for Mae were a donation. The only way she had to say thank-you for everything. Unfortunately, she had to put them on the back burner, hoping the little bit of income for holiday planters and poinsettia arrangements would help carry her through what was left of this month.

  She shook her hand out and sighed. Two more wreaths and the large centerpiece for the serving table remained. At least with the centerpiece she could work some smooth-stemmed flowers into the arrangement and finish on a less troublesome note for her hands.

  Thank God, Lucas had Emma. By now, after six hours of arranging, Emma would be climbing the walls, into everything, and driving Amanda nuts. Emma had only so much patience for the flower shop and even less when she had very little to do. Though she had toys in the back room, they weren’t her favorites, and within an hour, Amanda could predict Emma’s complaints: Mommy, I want my Bratz doll. Mom, Miss Kitty misses me. Mo-om, I’m hun-gry.

  Emma was probably having the time of her life helping Mae set out food, put the last finishing touches on her elaborate hors d’oeuvres. If Mae took her in to the Christmas store, as Lucas mentioned she might when he phoned to say it was too cold to take Emma to the farm, Emma would go hog wild with delight. She’d ooh and ahh over every Santa sleigh and reindeer combination that Matilda Murrow had in stock. And somehow she’d convince Mae to buy her one too.

  Picturing her daughter, Amanda smiled as she twined wire around another small branch and fit it into the arrangement. Although she’d never planned Emma, she was the one bright spot in Amanda’s life. She made the mountain of debt, the estranged relations between Tyler’s family, and the ongoing conflict over Josh easier to bear. Emma always made Amanda smile, even when she felt at her worst.