All I Want for Christmas is Big Blue Eyes

by Claire Ashgrove

  What they had shared was magical. Something so deep that no amount of reason explained why he had done the things he did. Why he chose to go away to college at the last minute, knowing full well she couldn’t go with him. Why the first time he returned was two years later for his father’s funeral, and he’d come to her first, without so much as a phone call. Why, after promising her he wouldn’t leave, he left in the middle of the night.

  Yet Amanda knew. She wasn’t foolish, and she wasn’t blind. Illogical or not, Amanda understood Josh loved her. He didn’t know it. He’d do anything to refuse to consider the possibility because doing so meant he could end up like his father. It meant he acknowledged someone had the same power over him that his mother had over his father. Somehow, he’d come to terms with her love for him, but loving her was something he would never admit. And he ran every time he thought he might not be able to ignore it any longer.

  Watching him now, as he gently settled Emma into the backseat of her car, her heart tripped. He was so good with Emma. Natural almost. The way she’d always known he would be with their children, despite his adamant protests that he didn’t want kids—another lie Amanda saw right through. No man insisted he didn’t want kids at the same time he vowed to take care of her, and their child, if she got pregnant because they didn’t use protection. Josh would have moved heaven and hell to find a condom if he really detested the idea of kids.

  He wasn’t frivolous or flighty as Lucas tried to make her believe. He was Josh. Someone utterly unique. The only man she would jump in front of a bullet for, without a second thought.

  Tonight not only reminded her of the lengths she’d go to for him, but awakened her once more to how deep they ran in each other’s blood. The way he’d made love to her. The way he’d stood right there, at her side, listening to all the comments throughout the night about how he’d up and left. How their breakup shocked everyone. Not once did he try to excuse himself. For Josh, that took guts. He didn’t like confrontation of any sort. And she’d been the only person he ever let see the real him. She knew things about him that Lucas couldn’t ever hope to learn. Things she’d take to her grave.

  She smiled up at Josh as he plucked the keys from her hand.

  “I’m driving,” he stated.

  “Why?”

  “Because I always drive.”

  Fine by her. Sitting in the passenger seat with him at the wheel was nearly as fulfilling as kissing him. Well, maybe not fulfilling, but erotic came close. There was something fantastically sexy about seeing him steer. Maybe it had something to do with control. A little part of her liked it way too much when Josh took control.

  As she slid into the passenger’s seat, and he shut the door to run around and climb in on the other side, she watched. The suit looked good on him. It highlighted his powerful frame in all the right places and hugged his arousing figure in ways no piece of clothing should. From giving his shoulders a wider look, to making his waist look even trimmer than it was, to hugging his tight buttocks just right, it set off butterflies in her stomach. Made her want him so badly she could taste it.

  He flashed her a grin as he turned the key. “I feel like I’m sneaking out.”

  She laughed. “Only because you have sinister plans about going home.”

  “Honey, you have no idea.”

  His chuckle sent ripples of pleasure down her spine. She had a damn good idea, and the mental images that came with his remark already had her damp with desire. She squirmed a little in the seat, shifting against the uncomfortable ache between her legs.

  Dropping the transmission into drive, he eased out of her spot on the side of the street and turned north toward her house. “Tell me about who you married.”

  Oh, God. Not that. She wanted to completely forget that horrifying part of her life. Wrinkling her nose, she looked out the window. “Can’t that wait till later?”

  “No.”

  Why didn’t that surprise her? When Josh wanted something, even just information, he wanted it right then. Patience wasn’t exactly his strong point.

  “Who was it?”

  “Tyler Masterson.”

  “Tyler?” He gave her an incredulous look. “That little worm? Amanda he was a nerd.”

  Her cheeks flooded with heat. “Well…yeah. He was.”

  As he rounded the corner to her block, he glanced at her. A lift of his eyebrows said he wanted more information.

  “He worked part-time at the bank as a loan officer. Lucas set us up about six years ago. Well, tried at least. Tyler was all for it. I, however, was shit-faced drunk.” She didn’t add that it was a night she’d been particularly upset about Josh and anyone would have served to take away the loneliness for just a little while.

  “You’re never shit-faced drunk.”

  Leave it to Josh to remember the damn details. His observation came too close to the reason why she ended up leaving the Fourth of July party and going home with Tyler.

  “Well, I was. And I had a bladder infection. And the medication I was on didn’t exactly mesh with my birth control.”

  As she slid her apprehensive gaze her way, she noted the way his eyebrows lifted a little, even though he kept his eyes glued on the road.

  He pulled into her driveway and shut the ignition off. Unfastening his seatbelt, he twisted in his seat to look at her fully.

  “So Emma wasn’t planned,” he murmured.

  Gnawing on her lower lip, she shook her head. “I married him so she could have a real father.”

  “He didn’t care that you weren’t in love with him?”

  Amanda pulled in a deep breath, let it out slowly, and swallowed thickly. “He loved me, or thought he did. Thought he could make me love him by giving me fancy things we couldn’t afford. I let him believe for a while, thinking it was the right thing to do.”

  She didn’t have any reason not to marry Tyler, but that wasn’t something Josh would want to hear.

  “How’d he die?”

  With another hard swallow, Amanda stared at her hands. She was partly at fault, and it was one thing she couldn’t bring herself to talk about—not even with Lucas. “Car crash. Some teens hit him on the bridge. It was icy out, and the impact knocked him over the rail into the river.”

  Josh winced. He reached across and squeezed her hand. “How old was Emma? Does she remember her dad at all?”

  “No,” Amanda whispered. Emma hadn’t been born yet. A fact that would only spark Josh’s pity, and Amanda didn’t want him to feel sorry for her. He ought to detest her, considering a small part of her had been glad Tyler’s death set her free. Not large enough to outweigh the enormous guilt but present nevertheless.

  “Can we go in? I don’t really want to spoil tonight with a trip down the memory lane I don’t like.”

  He squeezed her hand again and opened his door. Before she could even turn the handle fully, he was there to open hers. As she slid out, he caught her around the waist and drew her into a long, leisurely kiss.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you, honey.”

  “Mm.” She brushed the tip of her nose against his as she tugged at his tie. “I’m not upset. Let’s put Emma to bed and talk about that coming undone part.”

  His boyish grin, accompanied with the way his hair fell over one eye as the breeze caught it, stuttered her heart and lodged her breath in her throat. God, he was handsome.

  “I’ll get Emma.”

  Letting go, he sidestepped to the back door and reached in for her daughter.

  Amanda gave in to a wistful smile as she headed for the front door. If only this weren’t temporary. Tonight was too perfect for this to end. And yet, she knew it would. He’d make promises he couldn’t honor. She’d believe them. He’d turn her world upside down. The only difference was, this time, she couldn’t allow Emma to be part of it. She had to find a way to keep Josh from breaking Emma’s heart along with hers.

  She’d ask for Lucas’ help. Once sh
e found out how long Josh intended to stay, she’d make arrangements for Lucas to keep Emma for a little while. At least enough days out of the week that Emma could grow to like Josh, but not get attached to him. Lucas wouldn’t be happy. He would rather Amanda find the balls to stand up to Josh and push him to the side. But Lucas would do it for Emma.

  Entering her front hall, she turned on the lamp by the table then mounted the stairs. Josh’s heavy steps echoed behind her. With her mother’s death, Amanda hadn’t had the heart to leave her old room. Instead, she converted the master bedroom into Emma’s, the extra space giving her daughter plenty of room to play as well.

  As she flipped on the light switch, Josh made the connection, giving her a surprised look when he found toys spread all over and light pink paint, instead of the rich flowery prints her mother had preferred.

  When he set Emma down on the bed and dropped her shoes to the floor, Amanda kissed his cheek. “You know where my room is. I’ll change her into her nightgown and be there in a moment.”

  “Don’t take too long,” he whispered as he trailed a solitary fingertip down her throat and between her breasts.

  The fleeting touch flipped her stomach around wildly. She shivered, caught up in the searing heat that one finger held, barely managing a nod.

  Josh’s eyes glinted with a combination of mischief, amusement, and something far more dangerous that warned her in no uncertain terms he intended to make good on every small fraction of his intentions.

  He wandered out into the narrow hall, leaving her fighting for her senses and moving on weak legs to Emma’s dresser. Her hands shook as she pulled out the long cotton nightgown that sported three of Emma’s favorite Bratz dolls. As she returned to her daughter’s twin bed, Josh’s touch had such an effect on her that she tripped over a toy and smacked her leg on the corner of the footboard.

  Muttering a curse, Amanda rubbed at her shin. That’d leave a great big purple bruise come morning.

  Lord, Amanda, get a hold of yourself. It isn’t like you haven’t made love to Josh dozens of times before.

  But there was something different about tonight. She couldn’t put her finger on exactly what it was. Perhaps the overwhelming intensity of their desire. Perhaps the knowledge he was okay with hearing her feelings. Whatever it was, it was unlike anything they’d ever shared. And it sparked an anticipatory excitement Amanda couldn’t control.

  As she tugged Emma’s dress over her head and pulled her nightgown on, Emma yawned.

  “Mommy?” she asked in a quiet little voice.

  “Yes, sweetie?”

  “You didn’t tell me you were a princess.”

  Now where had she come up with that? What kind of dreams was she having? Amanda paused, hesitating before she replied, “I didn’t know I was.”

  Emma nodded as she lay back down and tucked her hands under her pillow. “Prince Josh took you in his carriage. Only princesses ride in carriages.”

  What in the…

  Prom night.

  Amanda’s heart beat a little faster as she kissed Emma’s cheek.

  “That makes you his princess, Mommy,” she murmured on another yawn.

  Oh, God.

  Amanda’s heart swelled so much she thought she’d burst into tears right there. “Go to sleep, angel,” she managed in a hoarse whisper.

  “Night, Mommy. I love you.”

  “I love you too, sweetheart.” Rising to her feet, she smoothed Emma’s hair and brushed her knuckles over her tiny cheek.

  At her door, Emma called to her again. “Mommy?”

  “Hm?”

  “I like Prince Josh.”

  Amanda smiled a soft little smile as she flipped off the light. “I like him too, sweetie. Go to sleep. We’ll talk about princesses and carriages in the morning.”

  “Okay.”

  On quiet steps, Amanda made her way to her bedroom, absorbing the fanciful way little Emma’s innocence made her dizzy. Josh’s princess. She’d felt that way once. Did every time he touched her. Had he said something to that effect? Or had Emma come up with that all on her own?

  Tonight, she’d let herself believe. Let him take her away to that castle in the clouds they’d made together years ago. The one that resembled a place they saw in Kansas City, a sweeping Colonial mansion named Warwick Manor. Where he was king and she was queen. The only difference between that existing building and the dream they’d built was that Josh had planned a greenhouse for her, where she could grow roses all day long. The carriage house behind the mansion, he intended to turn into a three-stall horse barn so they could occasionally go on a trail ride together.

  Entering her bedroom, she found him already in bed. He reclined on the pillows, his arms behind his head, his bare chest begging to her fingers. She smiled, telling him without words how much she loved him.

  She crossed to him quickly and bent over to give him a soft kiss.

  He slid one hand behind her neck, holding her in place as he deepened the kiss. His fingers curled into her hair, his mouth firm and insistent, yet at the same time conveying tenderness that made her tremble.

  “Take off that dress, hone,.” he whispered as he caught her by the wrist. “Let me look at you.” An undeniably hungry tone laced his words, and the look in his eyes, the bright vibrant sparkle in those mesmerizing greens, shot all the way through to her soul.

  With shaking hands, she pulled the dress over her head and dropped it to the floor. Bending, she wriggled out of her panties and kicked them off her ankles.

  Josh’s gaze fastened on her, inching down her body, slowly crawling back up. Where his eyes fell, her skin burned like fire. Each canvassing caress stirred her stomach into full-blown jitters, and moisture gathered between her legs as her insides turned to liquid.

  Surprising her, he sat upright. An animalistic growl rumbled in his throat. He fastened his hands at her hips and dragged her down against his gloriously hard body, capturing her in a feral kiss.

  Eleven

  The feel of Amanda’s silken skin atop him drove Josh mad. The scent of her, the hunger in her kiss awakened something buried so deep inside it took every bit of his faltering control to not flip her on her back and sink himself into her in one quick, hard, heedless thrust. Fighting down the burning need, he fastened her in place, clamping his hands at her hips and holding on so tight he knew his fingers would leave bruises. But it was the only way he could ground himself and force his body to listen to the last bits of logic left in his head.

  He dragged his mouth away from hers, trailing hot kisses down the side of her neck, across her collarbone to her shoulder, where he raked his teeth over her delicate skin. “Need all of you,” he ground out, his tight throat.

  Every last damn fiber of whatever it was about Amanda that made him feel like there was nothing in this world he couldn’t do, so long as she was there beside him. The love that radiated in her unforgettable blue eyes humbled him. He didn’t deserve that kind of emotion. Not after everything he’d done to her. Yet somehow, he hadn’t killed those feelings, and he’d spend the rest of eternity atoning for all his wrongs to insure it never died.

  She wriggled her body, bringing her damp feminine folds against his swollen cock. The heat seared through him, and Josh bucked up into her, unable to stop the burning need to feel all that soft, wet, flesh gripping tight. She ground her hips down, trapping his throbbing shaft between their bodies, and he groaned as white-hot sparks flashed behind his closed eyes.

  “Amanda,” he choked out.

  Her slender hands splayed over his chest as she sat up, those delicate little fingers working their way across his muscles, kneading, massaging, gliding with such slow tenderness it tempered the ferocious desire surging through his veins.

  He pulled in a ragged breath, held it a long moment, and looked at her.

  Eyes closed, the look of rapture etched into her pretty features sent his heart slamming into his ribs. How she could gain such simp
le pleasure from merely touching him awed him. Constricted his chest so tightly breathing felt like he sucked in air through a narrow straw.

  The soft light filtering through her window gave her an ethereal quality. It danced across her smooth skin, washed through her hair, and cast a silvery sheen over her shoulders, her arms, her breasts.

  My angel.

  Reaching up, he cupped her breast. It fit against his palm perfectly, filled his fingers with its soft weight like God had him in mind. Her nipple hardened beneath his hand, and he rubbed his thumb over that sensitive nub. Her gasp ricocheted through him and coiled his gut.

  There’d been other women in his life. But never, ever, had anyone held the power over him she did. No one possessed the ability to weaken him, to expose every vulnerable place in his heart, or bring him to his knees with such a tiny little sound.

  Just Amanda.

  Amanda who never let him doubt, never made him question, where he belonged. And that was right here. With her. Telling her in the only way he knew how, he needed her.

  A need that ran so deep it scared the hell out of him.

  As he gave the hardened nub between his fingers a little squeeze, she let out a whimper. He splayed his other hand over her back, pushing her into him as he arched forward to ease the pinch with his mouth. He circled her nipple with the tip of his tongue. Closing his lips, he suckled, fondled, caressed.

  Her hips rocked against his. Her nails bit into his chest.

  A little surge of pride leapt through his veins. There’d be marks there tomorrow. Evidence that she belonged to him. Only him. As it was supposed to be.

  He moved to her other breast, laving it with his tongue, his lips, his teeth, until he felt her tremble. Her thighs tightened around his hips, and she squirmed against his straining cock.

  Now!

  The demand pounded through his head. Yet Josh refused to give in to his body’s needs. Tonight, he wanted Amanda to know, without any lingering doubt, just where she fit into his life. Bringing his mouth back up to hers, he pressed her body down against his and rolled her over gently.