Spring, The Twosies

by Josie Brown

  She’s manipulating me.

  She’s figured out a way that this will blow up in my face and make Bettina hate me even more.

  Oh…shit!

  Kimberley bent down. She wrenched her neck in order to see through the mail slot, but yes, she could see the envelope on the mahogany herringbone floor. But, try as she might to stick her hand back through the slot, she couldn’t reach it. The slot was too narrow for her arm above her elbow.

  Then she heard the growl:

  No, no, no—not Bettina’s damned dog—

  She pulled her hand back, but Prince Vsevolod Ivanovich was too quick for her. Kimberley squealed as his teeth dug into her middle finger. Still, she was able to whip her hand through the slot before he took a second bite.

  A trickle of blood delineated the teeth marks that circled the finger right above the top joint.

  Panicking, she practically ran down the walkway.

  Her heart was racing as she leapt into her car. When, finally, she could breathe again, she told herself, hosting Bettina’s baby shower is a good thing. Despite any curveball Kelly throws my way, I’ll make sure it’s a success. Besides, I need something that gets me out from under her thumb…

  Kimberley knew just what would do it: any photos Andy might have of Kelly in flagrante delicto.

  He’d taken pictures of Kimberley, and of Bettina too. Kimberley knew this because she’d transferred those photos into her missing cell phone before deleting them from Andy’s cell phone, along with others he’d taken.

  If Kimberley could get her cell phone back from Jade, who had stolen it from her, she could turn the tables on Bettina.

  And if she could get ahold of Andy’s cell phone again, she’d have the goods on Kelly too. No doubt, he’d taken some.

  In fact, if Bettina’s baby shower was a success, Kimberley would certainly consider an alliance with her against Kelly. It was certainly the lesser of two evils.

  First things first: she had to get into Jade’s house and find her old cell phone.

  Then she’d figure out how to run into Andy again.

  She’d make it worth his while.

  Chapter Three

  The same day, earlier that morning…

  Worse than baths, two-year-old Dante Connaught hated to have his diaper changed.

  This made life difficult for his mother, Lorna, who was a month away from delivering twins.

  He showed his displeasure by kicking and moaning when she caught him in the hope of lifting him into his crib in order to pull the dirty diaper away, wipe his little bottom quickly, and slip him into a clean diaper before he bit or kicked her, as he was prone to do.

  If Matthew Connaught’s cell phone hadn’t just rung, in deference to Lorna’s condition, he’d have grabbed Dante first. Lorna appreciated this but hearing him exclaim, “Ah, Mother—,” she knew it would be useless to wait for him.

  She realized this was a mistake when Dante snatched the diaper out of her hand and tossed it away.

  It fell between the wall and the crib. Had it not been the last diaper in the box, Lorna would not have sunk to her knees in order to retrieve it. Ironically, not only was the diaper flat up against the wall, it had fallen dead center between both legs of the crib. No matter which side of the crib she crawled to, Lorna’s arm wasn’t long enough to reach it. Her swollen belly made it impossible to crawl under the crib.

  Resigning herself to the notion that Matthew would have to grab it wasn’t half as annoying as realizing she was too big to pull herself up off her knees. Perhaps she could do it if she held onto the crib, but she was worried of tipping it over with Dante still inside. As her son’s moans grew louder, she wondered: What is taking Matthew so long?

  “Matthew! Hello? Matthew!” Lorna called out frantically.

  Matthew didn’t want to be rude to his mother and rush her off the phone, but it worried him that Dante’s moans were loud and insistent. He’d assured his mother that the last he’d seen Bettina, she’d been well looked after—by the man who was charged with the indictment of her husband for fraud and embezzlement.

  “Daniel Warwick? Ah!” she was saying. “Then, I guess I shouldn’t be so worried.”

  He grimaced when he heard Lorna’s frantic call from upstairs.

  He felt guilty for having to rush her off the phone.

  He ran up the stairs. First, he looked in his bedroom.

  No Lorna or Dante.

  He ran into Dante’s nursery. “Lorna, hon! Where…?” He popped into the nursery doorway. At first, he didn’t see her on the floor. When he did, he exclaimed, “Jesus! What are you doing down there?”

  She rolled over to face him. “Dante’s diaper fell behind the crib. Think you can give me a hand?”

  In three steps he was at her side. He reached down in order to scoop her up in his arms. Sensitive about her bulk, she protested, “Matthew, please—”

  He hushed her with a firm kiss.

  For a moment, she forgot she was annoyed and that she was embarrassed about her awkward body—

  And that their toddler lay naked in his crib, still covered in his own poop.

  The fog of bliss dissipated as Matthew placed her gently in the nursery’s rocking chair. Lorna sighed. “Please, can you reach the darned diaper? It’s the last one in the house.”

  Matthew nodded, but rolled his eyes. Reaching under the crib for it, he muttered, “I guess there will be no more cocooning for me today. Neither rain nor sleet nor hail nor snow can keep a good father from a run to the store for diapers.”

  “While you’re at it, get more milk. And bread. And eggs. Oh, and ice cream!”

  “We’re out of practically everything?” He laughed. “Well, I guess I can believe you’ve tunneled through the ice cream. So much for the old wives’ tale that the cravings end after the fourth month.” He grabbed his squirming son with one hand and a handful of baby wipes with the other.

  Lorna rolled her eyes—not at his jibe, but at his technique. “I’m not ‘craving.’ I’m eating out of frustration.” She rubbed her belly. “I want these kids to drop, like, yesterday.” She sighed, resigned to her fate that it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. “That was Eleanor, wasn’t it? When is she due home?”

  “In fact, she’s home now.” Matthew kicked the release on the diaper pail. Dante’s dirty diaper landed in it with a resounding thud. “She’s upset because no one is home.”

  “I thought Bettina was feeling under the weather,” Lorna murmured.

  “So did I, but Lily and Hera told me they had everything under control. Still, Mother was worried enough to drive home early. Bettina isn’t answering her phone, so now Mother wanted me to go out and find her.”

  “Lily is gone too?” Lorna sat up.

  “Yes. And Hera.” To stop Dante from his attempt to wiggle out of the clean diaper, Matthew blew on his son’s belly. “I told her that if something was wrong, someone would have called.”

  “I…I guess you’re right. Unless it was an emergency. She may be at the hospital and Hera doesn’t have a phone.”

  “Now, don’t you get paranoid. Bettina is perfectly fine! Knowing her, she’s punishing Mother for leaving her with Hera.” He frowned. “You’re the one Mother should be worried about. You’re at the point you can’t move. And after that fever scare—”

  “Don’t be so dramatic. The doctor gave me a clean bill of health.” She tried to raise herself out of the chair, but couldn’t. Instead, she eased herself back down into it. “I’ll watch Dante while you’re at the store. But when you get home, I’ll need an hour in order to get ready for Monday’s PHM&T meet-up.”

  “Wasn’t your new year’s resolution to force some of the other Top Moms to pick up the slack?” Matthew lifted Dante up. Wiped clean and diapered, he’d finally calmed down. “Start with Bettina. From what you’ve said, she’s been missing a lot of meetings.”

  “She has a good excuse,” Lorna insisted. “Lily is now in a new school and Bettina is volunteering
there.”

  Matthew laughed. “Is that what she’s told you?”

  “Why do you ask? Do you know something different?”

  Matthew opened his mouth, but apparently thought better than to speak. “No! I mean, she’s certainly preoccupied. Frankly, I think she’s depressed. A couple of times I’ve seen her feeding the ducks at the Palace of Fine Arts.” It was a ridiculous lie, but it was the only thing he could think of.

  “You’re right. If she’s feeding the ducks instead of shooing them away from her Louboutins, she must be despondent,” Lorna reasoned. “All the more reason to give the other moms a chance to step up and take on more responsibilities. But how do I convince Bettina to do this? She’s such a control freak!”

  He shrugged. “She’s already given you the opportunity to fail. Might as well make it a party. The more the merrier, right?”

  She frowned. “Is that what you think—that I’m failing the club?”

  Matthew shook his head adamantly. “I was being facetious.” He tweaked her nose. “You’re absolutely right. Listen honey, the sooner I leave, the sooner I’ll be home. Until I get back, you can take the whole afternoon to make up one of your spreadsheets.”

  Lorna sighed. “Will do. Remember, Dante and I will be waiting for you—and the ice cream.”

  He hoped it wouldn’t melt before he found Bettina.

  “Excuse me, sir?” Bettina prodded what looked like a dead body with her foot. The fact that it was snoring gave her reason to believe otherwise.

  He was sleeping in a doorway on Polk Street, just a block away from Lily’s favorite sandwich shop, Cheese Plus.

  Bettina was relieved the man was down for the count. Every other time she attempted to photograph one of the many bums on the street, he or she would curse at her, and then threaten to beat her up. If Lily hadn’t been with her, Bettina would have smacked them with her umbrella. Instead, she’d gently nudge the little girl further down the block.

  Thank goodness, Hera had wandered into a gift shop that showcased crystals and incense burners in its window. Bettina could now take his picture without her mother’s friend seeing and asking why. Otherwise, the little hobo expedition would be a complete bust.

  The fact that this one wasn’t moving didn’t stop her from pulling out her iPhone, clicking onto the Bum Free Zone app, and positioning herself a few feet from his face.

  But before she had a chance to take the man’s picture, he sat up so quickly that she leapt backward in shock. Even sitting, he was almost her height. His plaid coat was caked in grime, as was his face. His hair—at least, what was left of it—was long and stringy. It was hard for Bettina to tell his age: Fifty? Sixty?

  “Who the hell are you, and what do you want?” he growled.

  “I’d…I’d just like to take a photo of you, if you don’t mind,” Bettina stammered.

  “Get the hell away from me,” the man muttered.

  Lily peeked out from behind her mother. “If you let us, you may have a chance to win a house,” she declared.

  Bettina covered her daughter’s mouth with a hand. “Well, not a house, exactly. But perhaps a room somewhere—”

  “Are you from the city’s welfare agency?” The man moved closer, menacingly. “I’ve already told you people that I don’t want to get cleaned up. Ergo, I don’t want to stay in one of your welfare hotels. Capisce?”

  Confused, Lily tilted her head to one side. “Does ‘ergo’ mean the same as ‘therefore’?”

  The man went nose to nose with the little girl. “It means leave me the hell alone!”

  Bettina pulled Lily behind her. “There’s absolutely no reason to be rude,” she sniffed.

  She then took his picture.

  At that point, all hell broke loose. The homeless man lunged at Bettina. As her mother and the man wrestled for the phone, Lily’s shrill scream pierced the air.

  Hera appeared, seemingly out of thin air. As she wedged herself between the man and Bettina, she shouted, “Calm down, please! This woman is pregnant!”

  The man stared at Bettina. “Oh! I—I thought she was just fat.”

  Bettina glared back. “How dare you!”

  He pointed to the iPhone in her hand. “You dare you? I’m not some animal in the zoo, you know!”

  “My goodness, I’m just taking a photo!” Bettina declared. “I’d think you’d be flattered. You’re not exactly Ryan Gosling.”

  Hera glanced down at the cell, then up at Bettina. “Why should he? This poor man deserves his dignity and his privacy.”

  Bettina shrugged. “It’s not as if he’s some indigenous species who believes a photo will steal his soul.”

  “Oh, yeah? What if I told you I was part Cherokee?” the man countered.

  “You can tell me anything, but that doesn’t mean I’ll believe you. Now, shoo! Go away!”

  Hera grabbed Bettina’s arm and moved her down the street. “Why do you feel the need to take their pictures, anyway?” she asked.

  “My only task is to identify likely prospects and take their pictures so that the…er, ‘agency’ can make further contact.”

  Hera frowned. “Agency? What agency?”

  “I’ve already told you,” Bettina muttered. “It’s one of my charities.”

  Hera’s eyes narrowed. “Which one?”

  Bettina sighed angrily. “You wouldn’t know it because it’s fairly new.”

  Hera crossed her arms under her ample breasts. “Try me.”

  “It’s called…the, er, BFZ Foundation.”’

  Despite Hera’s stare, Bettina didn’t blink.

  Finally, Hera huffed, “You know, these poor souls might be a little nicer to you if you engaged with them in some way. They’re human beings, too, you know.”

  “I feel it’s best to leave the ‘engagement’ to the pros,” Bettina insisted.

  “The very least you can do is leave them with something for indulging your uncharacteristic charitable instincts. Say, a bottle of water.”

  Bettina pointed to Cheese Plus. “You have my permission to play Mother Teresa.”

  Hera stomped into the shop, dragging Lily with her.

  Good. Well, one photo down. Two to go. If I work fast, I can get done with this foolishness, and we can go home.

  She spotted her prey across the street, slumped against a brick wall: a man and a woman in a drunken stupor. Whereas she could have zoomed in for the photo, she also knew she had to get close enough for the app to read their GPS coordinates, which meant crossing the street.

  She waited until the light changed and then sprinted across.

  She pulled out two five-dollar bills from her wallet. This time, she was prepared to make it worth their while.

  At first, they didn’t realize she was there. They must not have been used to people stopping in front of them and staring, as opposed to rolling their eyes and walking quickly away. The couple eyed her curiously.

  “What do you want?” the woman’s question was fuzzy with booze.

  Bettina was thankful she wasn’t close enough to smell her breath. Instead, she held up the two bills in one hand. “I’d like to photograph you both. How about it?”

  The man smirked. “Sure. We’ll put on a show.”

  Bettina shuddered. “All I need is a straight-on smile,” she assured them.

  “Oh, we’ll smile alright.” The woman winked at Bettina. “Snap away.”

  Bettina lifted her camera. “Think pleasant thoughts!”

  The woman’s smile was almost too wide. Still, Bettina zoomed onto her face and snapped her cell’s camera.

  She was just about to take a second picture when the woman closed her eyes and started moaning.

  Bettina snapped her fingers to get the woman’s attention. “Eyes open, please! …Hello? I said…”

  That’s when she realized that the man had lifted the woman’s top and was suckling her breasts.

  “Wait—wait… No!” Bettina shouted.

  “Now, watch me put a smil
e on his face,” the woman declared. Even before she dropped to her knees, the man had his stretch pants pulled down to his ankles.

  By now, other bystanders had pulled out their cell phones and were taking pictures too.

  Oh, what the heck, Bettina thought. At least he has a big smile on his face. When she snapped the BFZ app, she made sure to zoom in chest-high.

  A police car siren blared behind her. She turned just as it screeched to a stop. Two cops jumped out. “You two! Break it up—now!”

  The crowd tittered, but didn’t lower their cell phones.

  As one of the policemen lifted the woman off her knees, she grumbled, “Hey, lay off us!”

  “It would be our pleasure,” the policeman assured her as he shoved her, face first, against the wall. “Unfortunately, that’s not happening. You’re being arrested for engaging in lewd conduct in public.”

  His partner did the same to her boyfriend. “Hey, it wasn’t our idea!” The boyfriend pointed his five-dollar bill at Bettina. “That one there paid us to put on a show.”

  The cop scrutinized Bettina. “Is that true? Did you pay these folks?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yes—for the privilege of taking their picture— not to put on this disgusting display!”

  “Lady, if money changed hands, you’ll be charged with ‘soliciting lewd conduct.’”

  “Me—charged? Why…that’s crazy! It’s reprehensible!” She shook her finger at his nose. “And to think of how many tickets I’ve bought to your ridiculous policemen’s ball—”

  The policeman grabbed her by the shoulders in order to turn her around so that she too faced the wall. He’d just pulled out his handcuffs when a voice said, “Officer, I saw the whole thing. All this poor lady did was offer a charitable donation if they’d allow her to take their pictures. She didn’t in any way suggest that they put on a show.”

  Bettina had never been so happy to hear Matthew’s voice.

  The policeman eased his grip on her. She turned to face her brother. She blushed when she saw the wide grin on his face. Still, she muttered, “Thank you for speaking up.”