The Tortured Rake

by Sarah Morgan

  ‘I could help with the costumes.’ Katie curled herself around him, trailing her fingers down his body. ‘I have all those ribbons and pieces of fabric I bought in the market yesterday. Who makes their costumes at the moment?’

  ‘Don’t you ever give up?’ Nathaniel rolled her onto her back and looked at her, his blue eyes blazing in exasperation. ‘I was going to get this meeting over with and then take you sightseeing.’

  ‘I’d much rather help out at your acting project. Please, Nathaniel. You’ll make their day. Their whole year.’ The thought of what it would mean to the children excited her almost as much as what it could mean to him. She’d seen the compassion behind the tough exterior. She knew how much of himself he kept locked up. Maybe working with children would help unlock that part of himself.

  Nathaniel swore fluently and sprang to his feet. His eyes menacing, he threw her a warning glance. ‘Cry once, just once, and we’re leaving. Understood?’

  Nathaniel stood outside the building that housed his youth drama project, stomach churning. Any minute now he was going to be on his knees in the gutter, throwing up.

  Why had he agreed to this?

  Above them a chaotic maze of tin-roofed, wooden and unpainted brick shacks hung precariously from a steep hillside and wide-eyed, curious children watched them as they kicked a football in the dusty street.

  The air was hot and sticky but Nathaniel had never felt colder.

  He took a step backwards and then felt Katie’s hand close over his.

  ‘Let’s go inside and meet some of them.’

  Nathaniel wanted to pull away. He wanted to go inside about as much as he wanted to shoot himself in the head. He didn’t want to get to know these people. He didn’t want to find himself back there but Katie was pulling him and he couldn’t find a reason to stay outside.

  Inside the building a crowd of children of various heights and ages were milling around. The moment Nathaniel walked across the threshold the atmosphere changed. Everybody stopped talking and just stared. He was used to that, of course. It happened everywhere. But this was different. The eyes looking at him were different.

  The silence lasted only seconds and then the room erupted into excited squeals and non-stop chatter as a crowd of children of various ages surged towards them.

  Erecting the usual barriers between himself and the rest of the world, Nathaniel switched into actor mode and tried to distance himself.

  But he wasn’t able to distance himself. Unlike adults, the children didn’t respect boundaries and soon several of the younger ones were climbing all over him, talking simultaneously, touching him to see if he was real.

  He saw scuffed shoes and unwashed hair. He saw bruises and eyes that held stories no one wanted to hear. But most of all he saw enthusiasm and excitement. Yes, there was trauma there, but it came a poor second to hope.

  The sickness inside him faded. His hands relaxed.

  He signed a few autographs before remembering that he never signed autographs.

  ‘Oi, tudo bem?’ He spoke in Portuguese and Gabriela, a slim dark-haired woman who ran the centre, clapped her hands and commanded silence.

  ‘We’re overwhelmed that you have chosen to visit us in person.’ There were tears in her eyes and Nathaniel tried to think of a slick, movie-star response but his tongue had tied itself in a knot and his acting cloak failed him, just as it had that night onstage.

  ‘Show me what you’re doing,’ he said roughly. ‘Maybe I—I can try and help.’ Great. Now he couldn’t even string a sentence together.

  At first it felt awkward. Taking him to one side, Gabriela told him a little about each child and they acted scenes for him, proud to show off what they’d been doing. Some of them were wooden; others were better, and one or two had real talent. But it was the one boy who refused to join in who drew his attention. Watchful and tense, he stood close to the door.

  ‘That kid over there—’ Nathaniel wiped his forearm over his brow. ‘What’s his story?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ Gabriela handed him water. ‘He comes and watches sometimes. If you try and speak to him, he runs. I suspect he’s just hiding out here. Best to leave him and hope that one day he’ll have the confidence to join in. It happens sometimes. He isn’t the first.’

  Nathaniel looked at the boy and felt an immediate flash of recognition. In those eyes he saw defiance, anger, curiosity—and fear.

  It was the fear that made Nathaniel stroll towards him.

  The boy edged closer to the door and Nathaniel almost stopped walking. What was he doing? He didn’t know anything about counselling kids. He didn’t even know how old this one was. Ten? Older?

  The boy turned his head, torn between the lure of the escape route and the lure of the world’s most famous movie star. The movement revealed the livid bruise darkening one side of his jaw. His mouth tightening, Nathaniel kept walking. He didn’t know anything about kids in general, but he knew about damaged kids. Knew he was looking at one.

  Anger shot through him but he checked it as the boy glared at him, fists clenched. ‘It’s all right—I’m going. You don’t have to throw me out.’

  ‘Actually, I was hoping you could help me out ….’ Keeping what he hoped was a non-threatening distance, Nathaniel squatted down so that he was eye level with the boy. ‘You’re exactly right for this part—you ever act?’

  The boy’s fists relaxed slightly. ‘I don’t know anything about acting.’

  ‘Good. It’s easier that way than if you think you already know all there is to know.’ Nathaniel held his gaze. ‘So this is what you do—you forget all about being you, and pretend you’re someone else. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Easy.’

  He was willing to bet the boy dreamed about being someone else almost every day of his life….

  When a sheen of tears glazed the boy’s eyes, Nathaniel didn’t know which of them was more alarmed.

  Out of his depth, he was about to call time and summon reinforcements in the form of Gabriela and Katie, when the boy grabbed his arm.

  ‘I’ve seen your movies.’

  Nathaniel felt a pressure behind his chest. ‘Right. Good.’

  ‘I—You’ve got plenty of actors here.’ His voice was rough. Desperate. ‘You don’t need me.’

  ‘Well, that shows how little you know.’ Nathaniel saw the bruises on the boy’s arms and the anger was a hard knot in his stomach. ‘I need you really badly. So get your skinny butt on that stage and let’s get to work.’

  ‘No one has been able to persuade the boy to speak.’ Gabriela was huddled with Katie, sewing costumes out of scraps of material. ‘But now he’s having an acting lesson with Nathaniel Wolfe. Katie, I just saw him laugh.’

  ‘Don’t. You’ll set me off.’ Katie blinked rapidly. ‘I can’t sew and cry.’

  But Nathaniel’s dogged determination to persuade the child to open up and participate had moved her. He’d refused to give up. Every time the boy had backed off, he’d been there, lowering his own barriers in order to help the child.

  ‘Do you know how many times I’ve tried to get that boy to speak?’ Gabriela threaded a needle. ‘And now he has a part in the play. I have his name now—we can help him.’

  Katie lifted her head and watched Nathaniel. He was demonstrating a movement to the children and they were watching, enraptured.

  He would make a fantastic father.

  The thought came out of nowhere and she froze, shocked by her own thoughts.

  Oh, no, she wasn’t going to do that, was she? She wasn’t going to start thinking, even for a moment, that their relationship was more than a quick flash of fire.

  Feeling a sharp pain, she looked down and realised she’d pierced her finger with the needle.

  Katie grabbed a tissue and did a swift reality check.

  Children? After his own scarred childhood?

  Trying to distract herself, she sewed and produced costumes and made sure she was completely steady before she took a quic
k break and walked over to Nathaniel. ‘You’re doing well. I had no idea you spoke the language.’

  ‘Rafael is Brazilian. We hung out together when we were younger.’ He was watching two boys staging a fight scene, occasionally passing comment.

  ‘Gabriela told me how much money you’ve ploughed into the project. She told me that you’re the reason lots of those children are even alive today. How did you meet her?’

  ‘Rafael sponsors education programmes—puts computers in schools, that sort of thing. He introduced me to Gabriela.’ As the fight became rather too realistic, Nathaniel stepped forward and intervened. ‘You’re not actually supposed to beat each other. Do it like this—’ He showed them how to make it look convincing without actually causing damage and then turned back to Katie. ‘The whole thing snowballed. Sometimes our projects overlap. Two years ago Rafael sent me a script written by one of the kids he’d helped—it was good. We’ve turned it into a film.’

  She was astonished. ‘You found a studio to put up the money?’

  ‘No.’ His hand shot out and he steadied the boy before he fell and hit the floor. ‘Rafael and I put up the money ourselves. It’s a low-budget film, premiering at one of the film festivals in May. Carnival. Gritty urban thriller. It’s about a boy from a violent family.’ He turned his head, his eyes on Carlos, the boy he’d persuaded to join them. ‘It’s the life story of many of the kids here. Except in Carnival, acting gives the hero a chance at a new life.’

  And he couldn’t see the parallels? Acting had helped him escape from a difficult childhood and now he was offering the same escape to other children.

  Katie swallowed. ‘Who gave you that chance? Did you go to drama school?’

  ‘Boarding school. My father couldn’t wait to get rid of us all. I was happier at school than I was at home.’ A frown touched his brows, as if that thought had only just occurred to him. ‘The school had a fantastic drama department. When I was sixteen

  I was playing Romeo in a summer production. A Hollywood casting agent happened to be in the audience looking for an English teenager to play the lead in his coming-of-age blockbuster, Summer Semester. I was a complete unknown.’

  ‘But talented.’

  ‘I thought I was.’ His smile was loaded with self-mockery. ‘I just wanted to get the hell out of England. It was the ultimate teenage rebellion.’

  He’d wanted to escape from the horrors of home.

  ‘So you were swept off to Hollywood where you wowed everyone. What then?’

  ‘I married my co-star.’

  It felt as though something heavy had dropped on her chest. The noise around her faded and the only sound was her heart pounding in her ears. ‘You … married?’

  ‘You didn’t know?’

  ‘Why would I?’

  ‘Because people generally like to study my life in minute detail and it isn’t a secret. I thought you read celebrity magazines.’

  ‘I just look at the pictures—to see what people are wearing.’ It didn’t matter, she told herself. It was in the past. It didn’t have an impact on now. But it was just another example of why he was completely wrong for her. Information that she would have considered vital was locked away in the vault with restricted access. ‘I—I didn’t know you were married.’

  He glanced at her. ‘Now I see dark clouds in Katie-land. Why should the fact I’ve been married upset you?’

  Because she’d stupidly fooled herself that he’d never been this close to a woman before. But he’d cared enough to marry someone. ‘It doesn’t upset me. I’m just a bit … surprised, that’s all.’

  ‘It was a publicity stunt. We were manipulated by the studio and the media—it was all about the movie.’ There was a cynical edge to his voice. ‘I never told her a thing about myself. In fact, I’ve never told any woman anything about myself, until I met you. You know more about me than anyone. If you’re counting points, you’re winning.’

  ‘I’m not counting.’ Katie’s heart pounded. Or at least, she didn’t want to be counting. All she knew was that something inside her had changed. That day on the boat when he’d saved the child—that night …

  Her heart flipped.

  It wasn’t love. Oh, no, no. It couldn’t be love. She wasn’t going to let it be love. Not with this man.

  Her stomach churned and she felt slightly sick. How had it happened? Less than two weeks ago she’d been going speed dating with Claire. She’d eaten cereal for every meal. She’d worn brown.

  Nathaniel Wolfe had been someone she’d fantasised about from a distance. And now …

  She’d never considered herself to be reckless, but suddenly she was in love with a man who lived his life in the spotlight. A complicated man, all hard edges and armour plating.

  A man who found it hard to talk about anything, least of all his emotions.

  If that wasn’t reckless, she didn’t know what was.

  They spent three days working with the kids on the acting project. Three days in which Nathaniel felt himself getting sucked deeper and deeper into the emotional issues he’d always made a point of avoiding. Part of him wanted to walk out and go back to the anonymity of writing big cheques. Instead he found himself talking to Gabriela, discussing ways in which the project could extend the support it offered for children. When a young boy revealed that his father beat him regularly Nathaniel ignored the cold slime that crawled over his skin and listened.

  The older ones were harder to connect with. They’d learned to lock it away, as he had.

  Any attempt to touch on the subject was met with resistance. ‘So I’ve got secrets.’ The shrug was years older than the boy. ‘Don’t you have secrets?’

  Yes, he had secrets. He had secrets he carried with him every day of his life. The past churning inside him, Nathaniel turned his head to look at Katie.

  Sensing his gaze, she looked up at him and smiled and the smile cut him like the blade of a razor because he knew there was still so much about him she didn’t know.

  What had she said to him? I want to know the real Nathaniel.

  She’d barely scratched the surface.

  As if to taunt him, he felt the phone in his pocket buzz with another message.

  Even without checking, he knew who it was and knowing was enough to shake his mood from light to dark.

  Normally when the black clouds descended he chose to do something reckless. A motorbike on a slick road. Free climbing a vertical cliff. Any raw physical challenge that required such concentration that nothing else could intrude.

  Anything that helped him to forget …

  Riding the anger and the stress, he strode across the room and grabbed Katie, pulling her into his arms. ‘We’re going.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘Don’t argue.’ Nathaniel spoke briefly to Gabriela, said goodbye to the children and surprised himself by promising to come back again really soon. Then he propelled Katie into the waiting car and drove straight to the airport.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Breathless, laughing, she moaned as his lips found hers.

  Nathaniel was rough. Hungry. Take me away from this. Make me forget. ‘I don’t have a motorbike here and I don’t feel like climbing a vertical cliff ….’

  Her eyes were smoky and soft. ‘Is that supposed to mean something?’

  ‘We’re going back to Wolfe Island. I’ve had enough of sharing you.’ He savoured her mouth, felt the punch of desire slam through his body, sought oblivion in the warm sweetness. ‘I want you to myself.’

  For the first time in his life he wasn’t thinking of ways to end a relationship with a woman. In fact, he was looking for excuses to keep her with him.

  He didn’t want to share her with a bunch of children, however deserving.

  Katie snuggled against him. ‘And you think I’m going to argue with you? I love the island. And when it’s just the two of us, you don’t act. I get to see the real Nathaniel. No hiding. No secrets.’

  No secrets.

  Nathaniel fe
lt cold fingers of guilt stroke his spine and the guilt angered him.

  There was no reason why he had to tell her everything about himself. All right, so Katie had told him pretty much everything about herself, but that was her choice, wasn’t it? Women were different like that. They liked to spill every thought and every feeling. Living like that would drive him mad. Most of his thoughts and feelings didn’t bear thinking about, let alone repeating.

  ‘So how long are we staying on the island?’ She was smiling at him, unaware of the conflict of emotions at war inside him.

  ‘Two days. Then I have to go back to LA for the Sapphire Award ceremony.’

  She didn’t say a word but he saw the brightness dim.

  ‘And you’re coming with me.’ He didn’t know he was going to say the words until they left his mouth. ‘I want you to come with me.’

  ‘To the Sapphires?’ Her jaw dropped. ‘You can’t be serious.’

  ‘I’m deadly serious.’ Being with her felt good, he reasoned. She was easy company. Unselfish. Cheerful. And sexy.

  Why wouldn’t he want her with him?

  It didn’t mean anything.

  Chapter Eight

  It was all very well having good intentions. Harder to stick to them when the man you were determined not to fall for was Nathaniel Wolfe.

  Katie curled up on the sofa in his private jet, trying to hold hope in check. It wasn’t just the thought of attending the Sapphire ceremony that excited her, it was the knowledge that Nathaniel wanted her with him.

  He could have flown her home or left her on the island.

  But he’d chosen to invite her. Not a skinny A-list actress with visible hip bones. Her. Katie Field. Costume Designer.

  And he was no longer acting when he was with her. He was the real Nathaniel.

  ‘We’ve extended the acting project—’ he was reading an email from Gabriela ‘—and she says Carlos has been back every day.’

  ‘That’s great.’ And it was. But what really warmed her was how involved he’d become. Far from shutting himself off, he’d opened himself up.

  ‘He’s emailed me. Gabriela let him use the connection from her office.’ His smile was tinged with self-mockery. ‘I’m going to regret that one. Never given my private email to a snotty kid before. Next thing, he’s going to want to come and stay with me in LA.’ But there was satisfaction in his voice and a smile on his lips as he tapped a reply.